Trying to be "just friends"...

[truly816]

The abbreviated history on this situation is as such: I met this guy, "Evan" at work 1 1/2 years ago, and felt an instant attraction to him. The feeling was mutual, apparently, as we started talking almost daily and he told some of his close friends that he was interested in me. However, when I finally worked up the nerve to ask him what was going on between us, Evan told me that he liked me, but couldn't date me because we worked together. Since then, we've had a rollercoaster friendship, sometimes talking/flirting with each other like we did at the beginning, and then going for weeks without saying a word. I never could tell what his feelings for me were - he was hot and cold. I started dating another guy at the beginning of December, and I have a feeling Evan caught wind of this, because I didn't hear from him until the middle of February...which coincidently (or not) was about the time that he found out the guy I was dating was moving away and we were breaking up.

 

Since I broke up with the other guy, Evan has been talking to me more and more. At first, it was an instant message or email here and there. But for the past few weeks, it's been a steady stream of im's, emails, text messages and even a phone call last week while he was in Vegas, on vacation with his buddies. Maybe I should be happy that he's making an attempt to be my friend again - we do have a lot in common and have a strong base for a friendship. But do you think he's just trying to be my friend, or he has other motives in mind? I'm really thrown off by the intensity of the contact, especially after it had nearly ended all together. My main concern is that I don't want to try to become friends again, only to fall for him and fall flat on my face again. Right up until I started dating the other guy, I was slightly obsessed with Evan, so I'm kind of scared that I'll fall back into that situation if he continues talking to me.

 

Any advice on how I can deal with the situation, or what he might be thinking?

[stace79]

I know it's easier said than done, but maybe since you haven't really officially dated yet you can still do it....Just don't think about the what ifs. Don't think that he wants to date you. Assume he just wants to be your friend, and act accordingly. If he really is interested in more, he will make it known. If he doesn't, who wants a pansy who won't speak up for you anyway, right?

 

On the other hand, speaking from experience, if you're falling in love with the guy, back off. I've never successfully navigated those waters...Being "friends" with someone you're in love with. It can make you a bad friend for one thing...always jealous of others he might date or whatever. Also, it just tanks your self-esteem and keeps you from being open to new potential loves.

[norajane]

when I finally worked up the nerve to ask him what was going on between us, Evan told me that he liked me, but couldn't date me because we worked together.

 

You still work together, so this still applies. The only thing that has changed is he got a little jealous that you actually started dating someone else! He probably enjoyed the ego boost and it never occurred to him you might stop caring about him enough to go out with some other guy.

 

So now, he's trying to draw your attention back to him. Don't let yourself get sucked back into an obsession. You still work together, so he's still not going to ask you out - it's been a while since February and he hasn't asked you on a date, has he? And don't you say anything to him about it because that will just feed his ego, which is what he wants right now.

 

Pay attention to the other guys out there who will actually ask you out!

[FeltonRoad]

Falling in love with a co-worker who doesn't feel the same way sucks. I spent like a year having a crush on a girl i worked with and sometimes I felt like she might feel the same way, but then other times I didn't. I focused entirely on her and stopped looking at other women for like a year. One time she offered to introduce me to one of her friends but I was so into her that I said no. The biggest reason i never told her how I felt was because she was in a relationship already and had been for a long time, and I didn't want to be inappropriate. Plus it would be awkward if i had done it and it had backfired and it messed up the friendship i had with her.