Nanachu Posted April 9, 2007 Share Posted April 9, 2007 So, here, we have been talking about second chance. Yes, the main purpose is to move on and be OK without the ex (not just acting like OK in front of the ex to gain them back). But, some of us are still at the stage hoping our actions will make changes to the ex's mind, either by NC, sincere friendship, begging, etc.. We know that one way is absolutely a worse idea than the other and kept wondering which way I should go. Although we ask advice from others here, we sometimes feel "well, they don't know him/her. I know him/her and us. I should still call her and tell her how much I love her!" I am just curious to know that we have NOT been always a dumpee. So, can you think of any time that the ex's behavior changed your mind and encouraged you to get back together? My experience... 1. A guy I lived for 5 years (begger) I dumped him. So many issues between us. He came back crying and begging. He kept telling me how much he loves me. OK, absolutely bad ways to go. I was pretty annoyed and ignored him. I saw him as a sad person. After few months later, he stopped contacting me. After few months of his NC, I bumped into him. He looked happy with his new GF and acted polite but indifferent to me. I was happy for him. No tick to my feeling.... 2. A guy I dated for 6 months (complete NC) I dumped him. He is a strong person with strong will. That was one of the main reasons that I was attracted to him. He tried to convince me to reconsider, but when he realized my decision was final, he never contacted me, nothing. I am OK with it. I have a moment that I think of him (more like the great time we had together, not really him), but I have no plans of taking him back. We have different views in our life. It is the best this way. 3. A guy I dated for 1.5 years (friends) I dumped him. He was a sweet and kind person. When I suggested to break-up, he asked for NC for a while. After that, he sent me a sincere letter saying how much I meant for him and now he wants me to be his good friends. We do not hang out every weekend or anything, but we meet once a while, talk over the phone, and emailing each other. I am happy to be like this and not planning to take him back as my BF at all. On the other hand, I had begger, NC, and Friends appoach guys who I dumped and took them back (or kind of wanted to take them back). When he begged, I thought that he cares about me very much and made me very happy. When he did NC, I missed him and called him. When he became my friends, I could see his other side and appreciated very much and suggested to get back together. I thought I was into all of them above. It was not like that love never existed for the first 3. When I decided to take my ex back, I think I was at the different emotional stage; maybe simply I was looking for a partner, I was simply happier, or bored, etc.. People change their mind, but it is completely by their situation, not by ex's actions, do you think? It is only me? Do you guys have more "pattern"? Since he did NC, I came back... Since he begged me, I did not come back... do you have the pattern? Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted April 9, 2007 Share Posted April 9, 2007 Begging doesn't create love, it creates pity. NC doesn't bring them back but it CAN cause them to miss you and wonder how you are getting along. I don't know that I see a pattern here. Everyone is different. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nanachu Posted April 9, 2007 Author Share Posted April 9, 2007 yeah, nothing we do to our ex creates love, but may wake up "confused" love, I guess (if once existed). Begging once made me realize how much he loves me. I broke up with the guy assuming that he did not really care about me, I guess. Oh, I am not promoting begging, by the way. I broke up with the guy anyway... So, second chance was there, but failed, and no thrid chance.... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 9, 2007 Share Posted April 9, 2007 Begging is no way to make someone stay or come back to you but expressing your full emotions does. If you want someone back, make sure they know how much you care. Too often, pride stands in the way and both people end up pride intact, completely miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nanachu Posted April 9, 2007 Author Share Posted April 9, 2007 Hi Trialbyfire, Thank you for opinion. What you said brings up tht topic of second benefit of NC. We act (and truely feel, I am not there yet) indifferent to our ex. Then, they tend to start to miss you. If we express our full emtions: how much we care (the opposite of indifferent), he may think that "I" will be always available for him no matter what he does to me such as dumping and he will never miss me. You know? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 9, 2007 Share Posted April 9, 2007 I understand but I know that NC holds no water with me. Yes, I will miss them but no, if I'm not certain they still care, they are cut loose. Perhaps it's because I see NC as a form of personal healing, a way for a person to break free from their addiction, instead of looking at it as another gaming tool. No offense intended Nanachu. Link to post Share on other sites
NorCalDave Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 In my situation, I was the dumpee and I have been doing LC with my ex. We've been going to church with each other and occasionally going for meals or movies or workouts. Basically our relationship is the same as when we were together, except we don't talk every day and we don't have sex. We still get along great, and I can tell she is missing me more and more. Now that I have backed off, and not calling anymore, she is calling me and wondering what I am up to and leaving messages and I am just not as available as I used to be. I think that's making her want to come back into my life more. I think if you want a dumper back, you have to do exactly what the girl said in the "Advice from a dumper" thread....it seems to be working for me... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nanachu Posted April 11, 2007 Author Share Posted April 11, 2007 Trialbyfire and NorCalDave: Thank you for your comments. No, I was not offended at all! I am happy for you, NorCalDave, your ex wanting you back. I was doing complete NC few months after he broke up with me. I missed him a lot, but you guys are right, I was healing. Each day got better and better, moving from thinking about him all day to 90% of the day, But, he started to contact me. I kept NC for a while. But, his contacts became more and more frequent, started to talk about many topics remind us, the restaurants/bars we went to, the movies we watched, my little habits, etc.. He also, for the last month, started to talk about missing me, asking to meet, asking whether or not I am seeing someone right now. Yes, I replied back to some of his emails, but never answered to any of significant questions. Now, my feeling is back to him. My day starts and ends with thinking about him. I am not crying and I at least feel my emotion is somewhat stable. But, this could be simply driven by his current attitude showing he kind of misses me. So, LC did not make me move on..... A part of me, I want to ask him what his intension is behind all of his emails; does he want me back or not. But, I am not ready to know the bad news "oh, I meant to be friendly. I don't want to get back." On the other hand, I strongly believe that he should bring this up. I should not ask, do not need to ask. In order for us to succeed in the second chance, he should make a move. I have been acting indifferent to him, but I am not being indifferent. It is an act. I have never met him after the break-up since I know my true feeling will show up all over my face.... Thank you for reading, guys. I am just confused for the next step and just wondered what is the best way for my situation. Link to post Share on other sites
thecount Posted April 11, 2007 Share Posted April 11, 2007 I understand but I know that NC holds no water with me. Yes, I will miss them but no, if I'm not certain they still care, they are cut loose. Perhaps it's because I see NC as a form of personal healing, a way for a person to break free from their addiction, instead of looking at it as another gaming tool. No offense intended Nanachu. just to add my 2 cents about NC-- whenever someone tells me they go nc with me. I tend to move on. My mind set is if at the very least you don't want to talk to me. Then there is no place for you in my heart. When I tell someone I'm going NC with her it's because she hurt me. Thus, she has no place in my heart. sole purpose of NC is to heal yourself as quicky and painless as possible. If you truly want someone back. Tell them, and make them believe it. Not by begging, or by some other sort of emotional black mail. Just tell them, if they want you they'll take you back. Anything more then that is just a game. Who needs a game when you're looking for love? NC = Moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
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