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Can we just remain friends.?


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With a 7 year relationship with normal up and downs. A separation for one year and then an attempt at reconcilliation Both of us were deeply in love but broke up for commitment issues. If the reconcilliation did not go too well.

 

Can we just remain friends.???

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I agree that you can't. There's too much history between you. It would never work.

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Nope. You can not be friends with someone you are still in love with. It will keep you from healing, moving on and finding someone new (and much better) for you.

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AriaIncognito
Nope. You can not be friends with someone you are still in love with. It will keep you from healing, moving on and finding someone new (and much better) for you.

 

I can vouch personally for this right now. I'm currently being "friends" with someone I am still in love with, and it basically is driving me crazy. I know he's out looking for a new girl, I know he logs into online dating and each time I know this, it hurts me a little bit more each time that I wasn't the one or wasn't good enough or whatever the problems are. I look at him when we are being 'friends' (which believe me has been more than just friends more like him using me for an ego stroke i'm sure and potentially using me to feel good physically and no i dont mean sex but general good feelings of being around someone who cares for you). It's driving me crazy because I know I want more and secondly I know that I for whatever reason wasn't good enough for him.

 

Don't put yourself in this situation, it hurts like hell, and it keeps you from realizing there are others out there for you. Right now, he's the only one I can see out there for me, and that's not helping me move on.

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I can vouch personally for this right now. I'm currently being "friends" with someone I am still in love with, and it basically is driving me crazy. I know he's out looking for a new girl, I know he logs into online dating and each time I know this, it hurts me a little bit more each time that I wasn't the one or wasn't good enough or whatever the problems are. I look at him when we are being 'friends' (which believe me has been more than just friends more like him using me for an ego stroke i'm sure and potentially using me to feel good physically and no i dont mean sex but general good feelings of being around someone who cares for you). It's driving me crazy because I know I want more and secondly I know that I for whatever reason wasn't good enough for him.

 

Don't put yourself in this situation, it hurts like hell, and it keeps you from realizing there are others out there for you. Right now, he's the only one I can see out there for me, and that's not helping me move on.

 

Being friends with an ex is a win/lose situation.

 

They win, you lose.

 

They get to relieve their guilt of dumping you - Win

They get to keep you on the back burner - Win

 

You feel bad because you want them - Lose

You won't move on because you're waiting for them - Lose

 

What can you get from being friends with an ex that you can not get from your other friends? Answer: Nothing.

 

As long as an ex knows you are on a string, still holding a candle for them, they have no risk. They don't worry about losing you because they know you will always be there. In addition, it makes you look weak and clingy in their eyes ("Gee look, he/she is still hanging around waiting for me. How nice - and pathetic at the same time.")

 

What motivation is there for YOU? What do YOU get out of it? Nothing but pain and anguish.

 

I have always stuck to this rule of thought because I know that my time is better invested in someone who invests their time in me. Period.

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AriaIncognito

Caliguy,

 

Believe me, I know all of that. I'm a logical being. So why is it I settle? Why do I have hopes? I honestly can't answer that question. All I know is that for whatever reason, I'm still clinging to the what could bes even though I shouldn't. I wish I were strong. I wish I'd stop caring about him. I wish I'd stop thinking about him every other freaking second of the day. I wish I'd stop hurting myself. I wish I'd focus on myself and do things for me that I want (like losing weight) but I always just put myself second in many occasions. I don't know why. Would therapy help me? I don't know. I've been in it before and learned that basically I can make them believe whatever it is I want them to. I therapy is only really effective when you really want to be helped, so maybe I haven't reached that point yet. The fact that i continually hurt myself by staying in this losing situation proves that I'm not ready to put myself first. Even though I've walked away from him, I never fully walk away. And he knows that and he likely uses it to his advantage. Sure, he'll say he doesn't want to hurt me, etc, but if he truly didn't want to hurt me he'd not be allownig any contact (even though he's 90% of the time the one initiating it). I'll feel like this (depressed) and then he'll contact me and bam, I'll feel better. Unhealthy? You bet. I'm smart enough to see how bad it is. So, how come I'm not smart enough to put a final end to it? Why does my mind believe he's the one and he'll eventually come around? I don't know. I wish I could get him erased.

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Caliguy,

 

Believe me, I know all of that. I'm a logical being. So why is it I settle? Why do I have hopes? I honestly can't answer that question. All I know is that for whatever reason, I'm still clinging to the what could bes even though I shouldn't. I wish I were strong. I wish I'd stop caring about him. I wish I'd stop thinking about him every other freaking second of the day. I wish I'd stop hurting myself. I wish I'd focus on myself and do things for me that I want (like losing weight) but I always just put myself second in many occasions. I don't know why. Would therapy help me? I don't know.

 

Yes if you find a Counselor who will listen to you and hear what your goals are. As long as they aren't "winning my ex back" then I think you have an excellent shot of getting healthy.

 

The bottom line I see here with you is self-value. You will never understand how to love and respect someone else if you don't even love and respect yourself. It's impossible.

 

I've been in it before and learned that basically I can make them believe whatever it is I want them to. I therapy is only really effective when you really want to be helped, so maybe I haven't reached that point yet. The fact that i continually hurt myself by staying in this losing situation proves that I'm not ready to put myself first. Even though I've walked away from him, I never fully walk away. And he knows that and he likely uses it to his advantage. Sure, he'll say he doesn't want to hurt me, etc, but if he truly didn't want to hurt me he'd not be allownig any contact (even though he's 90% of the time the one initiating it). I'll feel like this (depressed) and then he'll contact me and bam, I'll feel better. Unhealthy? You bet. I'm smart enough to see how bad it is. So, how come I'm not smart enough to put a final end to it? Why does my mind believe he's the one and he'll eventually come around? I don't know. I wish I could get him erased.

 

You have to say "enough is enough" and "I'm not getting better and he is not helping me."

 

Set small goals. So he tries to contact you. Don't answer the phone that day. See each day as a goal. "I can go one more day without answering his call" or "I can go one more day without replying to his email."

 

I still have my ex's number on my phone. Do you know what it says instead of her name?

 

"DO NOT ANSWER"

 

It stands as a constant reminder to love and respect myself first. Luckily she has not emailed me or tried to IM. I'll deal with that if it comes. I will ignore them as long as I can not because I am trying to be a jerk.

 

But because I love and respect myself enough to say "I will not be at your beck and call whenever it's convenient for you. My time is valuable to me and if you do not respect it, I will not respect you."

 

Bottom line is you can not expect others to love and respect you if you don't even love and respect yourself first.

 

You might try reading a book called "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. I would also suggest "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson. Both really delve into boundaries and self-respect. Both know that if you don't love and respect yourself you can not expect other to feel the same about you.

 

You'll get better when you've decided you'd had enough. Maybe you just haven't hit rock bottom yet?

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AriaIncognito

I feel like I hit rock bottom constantly, but then I come out of it because he ends up giving me some sort of attention.

 

I'll be honest, I've never had the highest of self esteem. However I will say that I am indeed the best thing that will ever happen to him, and I do say without a doubt that he'll never find someone who valued and treated him as well as I did. All that being said, I still dont believe that for myself. I believe that somehow, I must have lacked something. That there's a reason all men stay with me for a long time, then leave and find their "one". I dont know what that reason is. I don't smother them in a relationship. I believe I'm a good person. I've got my sh*t together and that shows. My ex says he thinks I'm very self confident, but me, I feel I get that self confidence when with him because I'm trying to help him see how I'm the best woman for him. He does indeed make me strive to be a better person in some ways. however, he also makes me be a lesser person because he maintains the relationship, knowing full well that I'm in love with him and want to be with him. You're right, he doesn't deserve for me to be at his beck and call. And I always say that to myself too. but then, my impulses take over. I guess it's the same as overeating. You feel really great while doing it and then you have such regret afterwards and wonder where your self control went.

 

He was out on a date this afternoon with someone for a few hours. He told me there might be a second date. Well he said "maybe" when I asked if there would be. I've not replied since then. That was 90 minutes ago. He still hasn't called to make the plans we had for tomorrow (meaning, set a time/place). I don't know what i'll do if he calls, and i dont know what to do if he doesn't (as i know it'll eat away at me that he'd blatantly disregard me yet again).

 

The best way I can describe this is, I feel like I'm a prisoner to my own mind/heart. That I can't escape it, despite the best of hopes and intentions. They say if you truly love someone, you should set them free. And that you should even be happy for them if they find someone. So does that mean i dont love him? I don't know.

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I feel like I hit rock bottom constantly, but then I come out of it because he ends up giving me some sort of attention.

 

I'll be honest, I've never had the highest of self esteem. However I will say that I am indeed the best thing that will ever happen to him, and I do say without a doubt that he'll never find someone who valued and treated him as well as I did. All that being said, I still dont believe that for myself. I believe that somehow, I must have lacked something. That there's a reason all men stay with me for a long time, then leave and find their "one". I dont know what that reason is. I don't smother them in a relationship. I believe I'm a good person. I've got my sh*t together and that shows. My ex says he thinks I'm very self confident, but me, I feel I get that self confidence when with him because I'm trying to help him see how I'm the best woman for him. He does indeed make me strive to be a better person in some ways. however, he also makes me be a lesser person because he maintains the relationship, knowing full well that I'm in love with him and want to be with him. You're right, he doesn't deserve for me to be at his beck and call. And I always say that to myself too. but then, my impulses take over. I guess it's the same as overeating. You feel really great while doing it and then you have such regret afterwards and wonder where your self control went.

 

He was out on a date this afternoon with someone for a few hours. He told me there might be a second date. Well he said "maybe" when I asked if there would be. I've not replied since then. That was 90 minutes ago. He still hasn't called to make the plans we had for tomorrow (meaning, set a time/place). I don't know what i'll do if he calls, and i dont know what to do if he doesn't (as i know it'll eat away at me that he'd blatantly disregard me yet again).

 

The best way I can describe this is, I feel like I'm a prisoner to my own mind/heart. That I can't escape it, despite the best of hopes and intentions. They say if you truly love someone, you should set them free. And that you should even be happy for them if they find someone. So does that mean i dont love him? I don't know.

 

Ariawoman, you are describing EXACTLY how I feel. I know all the bad he has done and the reasons I should cut off contact, but it's like an addiction. I know if I want to move on I need to not know what is going on in his life. But the minute he calls, I pick up. I can't block his AIM name because I need to read his away messages. I know all this hurts me, makes me look weak, and proves he has no respect for me. He can call me and be so cold, which gets me upset. Then the next day he can text me saying 'I still care about you' and then it's like okay, I can go move on and live my life now. I don't know how to get out of it either.

 

I know that doesn't probably help but I just wanted you to know you definitely are not alone in your feelings.

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Heartache11
I feel like I hit rock bottom constantly, but then I come out of it because he ends up giving me some sort of attention.

 

I'll be honest, I've never had the highest of self esteem. However I will say that I am indeed the best thing that will ever happen to him, and I do say without a doubt that he'll never find someone who valued and treated him as well as I did. All that being said, I still dont believe that for myself. I believe that somehow, I must have lacked something. That there's a reason all men stay with me for a long time, then leave and find their "one". I dont know what that reason is. I don't smother them in a relationship. I believe I'm a good person. I've got my sh*t together and that shows. My ex says he thinks I'm very self confident, but me, I feel I get that self confidence when with him because I'm trying to help him see how I'm the best woman for him. He does indeed make me strive to be a better person in some ways. however, he also makes me be a lesser person because he maintains the relationship, knowing full well that I'm in love with him and want to be with him. You're right, he doesn't deserve for me to be at his beck and call. And I always say that to myself too. but then, my impulses take over. I guess it's the same as overeating. You feel really great while doing it and then you have such regret afterwards and wonder where your self control went.

 

He was out on a date this afternoon with someone for a few hours. He told me there might be a second date. Well he said "maybe" when I asked if there would be. I've not replied since then. That was 90 minutes ago. He still hasn't called to make the plans we had for tomorrow (meaning, set a time/place). I don't know what i'll do if he calls, and i dont know what to do if he doesn't (as i know it'll eat away at me that he'd blatantly disregard me yet again).

 

The best way I can describe this is, I feel like I'm a prisoner to my own mind/heart. That I can't escape it, despite the best of hopes and intentions. They say if you truly love someone, you should set them free. And that you should even be happy for them if they find someone. So does that mean i dont love him? I don't know.

 

Ariawoman, you are describing EXACTLY how I feel. I know all the bad he has done and the reasons I should cut off contact, but it's like an addiction. I know if I want to move on I need to not know what is going on in his life. But the minute he calls, I pick up. I can't block his AIM name because I need to read his away messages. I know all this hurts me, makes me look weak, and proves he has no respect for me. He can call me and be so cold, which gets me upset. Then the next day he can text me saying 'I still care about you' and then it's like okay, I can go move on and live my life now. I don't know how to get out of it either.

I know that doesn't probably help but I just wanted you to know you definitely are not alone in your feelings.

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I feel like I hit rock bottom constantly, but then I come out of it because he ends up giving me some sort of attention.

 

I'll be honest, I've never had the highest of self esteem. However I will say that I am indeed the best thing that will ever happen to him, and I do say without a doubt that he'll never find someone who valued and treated him as well as I did. All that being said, I still dont believe that for myself. I believe that somehow, I must have lacked something. That there's a reason all men stay with me for a long time, then leave and find their "one". I dont know what that reason is. I don't smother them in a relationship. I believe I'm a good person. I've got my sh*t together and that shows. My ex says he thinks I'm very self confident, but me, I feel I get that self confidence when with him because I'm trying to help him see how I'm the best woman for him. He does indeed make me strive to be a better person in some ways. however, he also makes me be a lesser person because he maintains the relationship, knowing full well that I'm in love with him and want to be with him. You're right, he doesn't deserve for me to be at his beck and call. And I always say that to myself too. but then, my impulses take over. I guess it's the same as overeating. You feel really great while doing it and then you have such regret afterwards and wonder where your self control went.

 

He was out on a date this afternoon with someone for a few hours. He told me there might be a second date. Well he said "maybe" when I asked if there would be. I've not replied since then. That was 90 minutes ago. He still hasn't called to make the plans we had for tomorrow (meaning, set a time/place). I don't know what i'll do if he calls, and i dont know what to do if he doesn't (as i know it'll eat away at me that he'd blatantly disregard me yet again).

 

The best way I can describe this is, I feel like I'm a prisoner to my own mind/heart. That I can't escape it, despite the best of hopes and intentions. They say if you truly love someone, you should set them free. And that you should even be happy for them if they find someone. So does that mean i dont love him? I don't know.

 

 

Stop taking his calls.

Don't talk about his relationships or dates. Tell him that if he wants to talk about that stuff to go talk to his buddies. That is NOT your problem. He made this bed, he can lay in it.

 

You will not get better until you cut him off completely from your life. He's not adding anything to your life. He is not adding any value.

 

He is draining you emotionally and it's very apparent.

 

Don't you think it's time you took care of your own needs? Forget him. He's in the past and not a part of your future.

 

The sooner you accept that the sooner you will feel better.

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AriaIncognito
Stop taking his calls.

He's in the past and not a part of your future.

 

 

Therein lies my issues, trying to make myself believe that he's NOT going to be a part of my future. I know there are some that will say "if it's meant to be, it will be" but that only gives me the shreds of hope that I hold onto.

 

I'm really sorry that i've seemingly hijacked this thread as well. Maybe I should start a new one in the coping forum and you all can try to beat it into my head over there. I don't wanna hijack this. :(

 

Apologies to the OP.

 

I did block myself from being able to check the online dating site he uses. Now lets see how long I leave it blocked. (i blocked it through my routers parental controls. apparently i'm having to parent myself).

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AriaIncognito
Ariawoman, you are describing EXACTLY how I feel. I know all the bad he has done and the reasons I should cut off contact, but it's like an addiction. I know if I want to move on I need to not know what is going on in his life. But the minute he calls, I pick up. I can't block his AIM name because I need to read his away messages. I know all this hurts me, makes me look weak, and proves he has no respect for me. He can call me and be so cold, which gets me upset. Then the next day he can text me saying 'I still care about you' and then it's like okay, I can go move on and live my life now. I don't know how to get out of it either.

I know that doesn't probably help but I just wanted you to know you definitely are not alone in your feelings.

 

 

Heartache, I'm sorry you are able to understand what I feel because you are feeling it too. It truly is a horrible thing to be feeling, and I honestly wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

 

I'm taking steps to try to ween myself off. I dont know if they will work. Took him off my buddy list and my list is friends only so he can't even have his own friends see if i'm there. I also blocked the dating site he uses so I wont be able to go there and see if he logged into it. I've gotta try something. It's like getting over a drug addiction.

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Trialbyfire

I agree that you can't be friends if you're still "in love" which is different from only loving them.

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