Quietly re-entering into a relationship together.

[princesssockhead]

Hi! Because of being busy with school, looking for a job, and being sick for a week I am kind of cut out from my social circles right now and so I come to you Loveshack with my open arms and ears seeking some advice.

 

My bf of 4 years and I broke it off right before this past NYE and I wound up "moving" out of our shared apartment back in with my parents. When I say moved out - I didn't completely and still haven't transferred over all of my stuff to my parent's place. I didn't get signed off the lease either. I didn't do all of that because it was kind of up in the air whether the breakup was temporary or for good. Well I'm (thankfully) inclined to say it was temporary indeed.

 

After "dating" other people - really each of us just had a rebound fling - we started hanging out together again. We both have matured a lot in the last 3 months and had some really in-depth conversations about our relationship and how we act towards each other. Both of us have began to prioritize life a little bit more around ourselves individually rather than as a couple which maybe we really needed to do. We are also not using labels right now to explain our relationship in as such that it is understood we are mongomous towards each other but I'm not his gf and he's not bf but we're not really ex's anymore either. *shrug* It's new to me and quite uncomfortable but it seems to be what he needs right now and I'm trying to work with it and understand. I think both of us tend to be co-dependent on the other. Anyhow, both of us have turned to our spirituality, and reading about psychology, existentialism, and relationships. I, myself, have widened my circle of friends and went back to school. However, he has been somewhat more reluctant to get help from anyone else and it has taken a toll on his self-esteem & attitude. He's gone through some pretty severe spells of depression. In fact what has really worried me is that he's completely been avoiding progress in almost all areas of his life: family, friendships, school, sometimes our relationship and the issues I've brought to him that I feel strongly about, but most importantly WORK.

 

He's always been avoidant/unstable with his career. I should have known and not fallen in love with his man from the get-go because he didn't have a job when I first met him and he doesn't right now. But you can't help falling for some people no matter their shortcomings. I supported him for 2 years working a dead-end, laborious job and then finally he got his act together this past fall of '06 but then started slacking once our relationship started getting more rocky closer to Dec. Since then I've been the one to pay rent on "our" place, for the utilities, cable, groceries - so I'm basically supporting us again but we aren't labeled as a couple, we don't talk about our future together in the long term regard (we used to talk about our marriage, our kids, growing old) and I have some serious reservations about it because of this.

 

I also was laid-off from my job in February and have been paying for this stuff using a loan from my parents and my two(so far) unemployment checks I've collected. So we are basically broke as a joke and subtly moving back towards a relationship with each other.

 

Now our lease is up at the end of April and he wants to go ahead and renew it even though we owe last month's rent still (because I've been too broke to pick up the slack and he hasn't done anything to make money). He wants us to sign it together and for me to move my stuff back in (from my parent's). I told him that I'd consider it but that I needed to feel like we had a solid future of something ahead of us (no pressure about the far off future) but that we at least had a commitment to each other before I would live with him again. I also asked him how he was going to be able to equally contribute to this partnership with me as far as steady work and finances go. He didn't seem to have a very clear answer and talked about checking with the temporary firm he has worked with and trying to pick up some contract web programming jobs. I mean I guess I know the answer to my own question more or less and that is to proceed with something like this cautiously because I could wind up saving him again, like a mommy would - providing unconditional love which is what I have for him and burning myself badly by using up my own hard-earned resources and especially if he and I don't work out again.

 

I'm really feeling puzzled because yes yes! I want to be with him again. I love him and am committed to our relationship. I want to live in our home again and stop living out of packed bags. I feel like we are communicating so easily these days, openly and honestly - without harsh criticism or judgement, that seemed common right before the breakup. We want to explore attending church services together and maybe even try side-by-side meditation. He knows I miss him family dearly and he's ready to start bringing me around them again and I feel like doing the same. All in all I feel like we are moving back towards being a partners and this time we have the knowledge we have gained through these several months and maybe even some healthy hesitation which keeps us from making rash, unmeasured decisions.

 

But do I invest in something that could hurt me even more if it fails this time? I mean I know hands down that the relationship with him is worth investing in but the living together, supporting each other? I just don't know.

 

But if I say no I don't want to make that investment. I may lose him, we may be evicted from the apt. (if he doesn't do something quick to pay his part of things), he may have no where to live which subsequently means our kitties(the children) wouldn't either, and all of my stuff will have to be re-housed at my parent's (which is spilling over at the edges with their own crap) and the key element that scares me about that is losing him.

 

Nobody understands why I would put up with the unstable career & financial problems to be with this guy but I do. I know it's because dognabbit I am smitten in love with him and have been for a good solid 4.5 years. He treats me well, respects my intelligence, my family, the way we raise our cats (I'm very particular about that), we have so many hobbies & traits in common but also big lifestyle choices about marriage, children, monogomy, and education. When we work well together it is a well-lubed engine and I would say that is a good 80% of the time at least. Our sex life has always been passionate and though comfortable now with oxytocin running through our brains - we find ways (because we are both naturally curious) to intensify things, and in doing so we stay we very connected on the sexual/spiritual plane with each other. All in all it's like what they always say, "At the end of the day, how much happiness and love outshines the heartache? If your heart hurts more then it should maybe it's time to re-evaluate. But if it doesn't then why worry about it?"

 

Anyone out there have some advice, affirmations, similar experiences? And please ask questions about anything. I am open and honest about almost anything. Thanks I really appreciate anyone and everyone's help with this. <3

[CaliGuy]

I'm concerned with his inability to keep a job. If he's this way now, how much worse will he be later, say if you get married?

 

And do you really want to put yourself in debt for this guy??