Jump to content

any way to 'know' if a second chance might come?


Recommended Posts

Tuesday will mark 7 weeks of NC between my ex and me. 7 weeks ago he wrote me an e-mail saying he did not want to be in a relationship with me and to stop contacting him (we'd broken up in early December; you can read about it under "Breakups..."). Usually I have good instincts about relationships and situations. But this time, I am so confused: sometimes, when I think about the strong love present in the relationship, its 5-year duration, the type of person my ex is and all the good memories, I feel it is inevitable that he will contact me and that we will find our way back together. Other times, when the pain of how he broke up with me, the things he said and the finality of his e-mail 7 weeks ago, I feel it's really over and he'll never contact me again. My question is, is there any way to 'know' that you'll get a second chance? People always throw out that "if you were meant to be, you'll find your way back to each other," but our families thought we were a wonderful match and certainly I felt it, and he must have as well or he wouldn't have moved across the country to be with me and so all that line does is make me feel we MUST find our way back together. How can you know? This is a desperate question but I'm dying inside.

 

Also, what is NC supposed to accomplish, exactly, anyway? Some people say it's the only way you'll be able to get back together; other people say it's the only way to heal and move on. In my situation, I see the necessity of some time passing with NC--and in fact though I didn't feel the breakup was necessary I would have agreed we needed some space to calm down and reapproach the relationship with more clarity. But I feel that it's not as black and white as if he doesn't contact me after months have passed it means he doesn't want to; maybe he'd be afraid after the way he left things; and so shouldn't I attempt something after a few more months--a letter, or an e-mail?

 

It's so awful to be the one who saw things wrong, yes, but saw no reason the relationship should end. I feel like I'm hanging on, tattooed with question marks and it's such a disempowering place to be...especially when usually I'm the one who has a pretty cut-and-dry view of relational matters. I just never expected this. So what is our NC accomplishing, exactly? Is it reasonable to think he's thinking over the relationship, strengthening parts of himself and planning on coming back? Or to think he's done, moving on and really meant it when he said he was through? Any stories of reconciliation to share, or non-reconciliation, where you can remember being in my shoes?

 

Any advice or commentary is welcome.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Tuesday will mark 7 weeks of NC between my ex and me. 7 weeks ago he wrote me an e-mail saying he did not want to be in a relationship with me and to stop contacting him (we'd broken up in early December; you can read about it under "Breakups..."). Usually I have good instincts about relationships and situations. But this time, I am so confused: sometimes, when I think about the strong love present in the relationship, its 5-year duration, the type of person my ex is and all the good memories, I feel it is inevitable that he will contact me and that we will find our way back together. Other times, when the pain of how he broke up with me, the things he said and the finality of his e-mail 7 weeks ago, I feel it's really over and he'll never contact me again. My question is, is there any way to 'know' that you'll get a second chance? People always throw out that "if you were meant to be, you'll find your way back to each other," but our families thought we were a wonderful match and certainly I felt it, and he must have as well or he wouldn't have moved across the country to be with me and so all that line does is make me feel we MUST find our way back together. How can you know? This is a desperate question but I'm dying inside.

 

Also, what is NC supposed to accomplish, exactly, anyway? Some people say it's the only way you'll be able to get back together; other people say it's the only way to heal and move on. In my situation, I see the necessity of some time passing with NC--and in fact though I didn't feel the breakup was necessary I would have agreed we needed some space to calm down and reapproach the relationship with more clarity. But I feel that it's not as black and white as if he doesn't contact me after months have passed it means he doesn't want to; maybe he'd be afraid after the way he left things; and so shouldn't I attempt something after a few more months--a letter, or an e-mail?

 

It's so awful to be the one who saw things wrong, yes, but saw no reason the relationship should end. I feel like I'm hanging on, tattooed with question marks and it's such a disempowering place to be...especially when usually I'm the one who has a pretty cut-and-dry view of relational matters. I just never expected this. So what is our NC accomplishing, exactly? Is it reasonable to think he's thinking over the relationship, strengthening parts of himself and planning on coming back? Or to think he's done, moving on and really meant it when he said he was through? Any stories of reconciliation to share, or non-reconciliation, where you can remember being in my shoes?

 

Any advice or commentary is welcome.

 

 

The purpose of NC is simply for you to heal in the shortest amount of time possible and move on.

 

There is no "side" reason for NC. Yes, it does in some cases have the effect of making an ex miss you, but that doesn't mean they want to be with you.

 

Your ex gave you a "finality" letter. All you can really do is accept that "it is what it is" (thanks Rio) and move on. The more you sit around contemplating past mistake the more emotional energy you waste. Energy that could be put to better use through hobbies, friends, working out and self improvement.

 

I was once told that "Living in the past is like driving your car while staring at the rear view mirror. It's neither safe nor rational."

 

I tend to believe that. The past is done and there's nothing we can do to change that. We have very little control over the future. All we really have is today. That is all you have any semblence of control over. The fact is, he is not here with you now.

 

Should you waste your present on the past? It doesn't seem like a logical choice, does it? You'll miss out on today and ruin tomorrow.

 

I've been in your shoes before. I didn't start feeling better until I accepted what had happened and resolved to not let the past control my present or future. Why should I live in misery because one person rejected me? Rejection happens daily in our lives.

 

And if you notice you are feeling sorry for yourself, all you have to do is look around the forums. There are many here who have it much, much worse than we do.

 

I just went to a funeral for a friend of mine. Her husband comitted suicide after being arrested. When I read the arrest report, I understood why he did so. Now she is left with no husband and will be tormented for the rest of her life feeling filthy over what HE did. She's got it bad.

 

The old adage "Better to be single and lonely than married and miserable" applies her. Life is truly what you make of it, when you decide to live for what today brings and not what the past has dealt you.

 

Stick with NC. If his heart changes over time you will be better apt to decide if he is really the right man for you. There is no standard amount of time. Could be days, weeks, months or years. Bottom line is you really do need to let him come to you, should he decide to do so. But don't live you life expecting or hoping for that to happen.

 

Act and live as if it never will. And if it does happen, it's a pleasant surprise (maybe) and if it doesn't, by that time you will have moved on to someone more deserving of you.

 

That will happen to all of us when we let go of the past.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Stick with NC. If his heart changes over time you will be better apt to decide if he is really the right man for you. There is no standard amount of time. Could be days, weeks, months or years. Bottom line is you really do need to let him come to you, should he decide to do so. But don't live you life expecting or hoping for that to happen.

 

Act and live as if it never will. And if it does happen, it's a pleasant surprise (maybe) and if it doesn't, by that time you will have moved on to someone more deserving of you.

 

That's awful about your friend.

 

Sorry for being dense, but...does his "finality" letter really mean I can't make a gesture towards reconciliation in a few months? I want to move on but the truth is I was deeply in love with him and really planned to spend all my life with him. I thought we had *that* kind of connection and in fact, on the day he broke up with me in person, I said to him, "You were always so afraid I was going to break up with you; how would you feel if our situations were reversed?" To which he replied, "I'd be extremely confused." We were very devoted to each other; I guess I just can't believe he *really* doesn't want to be with me. Would it really be a bad thing if I wrote to him in 2-3 more months? Would it be bad of me to write to his parents telling them all the ways I was so fond of them?

Link to post
Share on other sites
That's awful about your friend.

Sorry for being dense, but...

 

does his "finality" letter really mean I can't make a gesture towards reconciliation in a few months?

 

Yes, it needs to come from from him only. Do not initiate it.

 

I want to move on but the truth is I was deeply in love with him and really planned to spend all my life with him. I thought we had *that* kind of connection and in fact, on the day he broke up with me in person, I said to him, "You were always so afraid I was going to break up with you; how would you feel if our situations were reversed?" To which he replied, "I'd be extremely confused." We were very devoted to each other; I guess I just can't believe he *really* doesn't want to be with me. Would it really be a bad thing if I wrote to him in 2-3 more months? Would it be bad of me to write to his parents telling them all the ways I was so fond of them?

 

 

His actions right now say he doesn't want to be with you and thats all you have to go on.

Link to post
Share on other sites

NO. DO NOT WRITE HIS PARENTS! DO NOT WRITE FRIENDS!

 

  1. it is indirect and passive
  2. you can't manipulate him with words or make him want you by telling him how fond of him you are. He already knows you are fond of him. He told you off with his finality letter. The onus is on him to initiate contact.

I understand you are still grieving. Don't plan on contacting him in a couple months; I too want to eventually contact my ex, but it is because I'm still not indifferent to her. Don't contact him. I know how tough it is, but just don't do it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

CaliGuy, you always give such awesome advice. I'm curious--how long did it take you to really put the past in the past and focus on the future after your breakup? I'm going on 8 months now and it's still hard not to think/talk/type about this every day. Is it a bad idea to talk about it to my family/friends when I'm upset? I don't like to bottle things up inside, but sometimes I think my constant talking about the same things over and over again keeps me stuck in the past. I get angry with myself for wasting so much of everyday dwelling over what he did to me. He really isn't worth my time, yet I devote so much time in the day dwelling on him.

 

Green, I responded to your post in the Breakup section of the forum, but I want to add to it here. DON'T send the letters to him or the parents. Even though you are feeling this intense love and bond to him and his parents and you want to communicate that, you're subconsciously hoping it's going to bring him back. What it's going to bring you is more hurt. I regret trying to contact my ex those first 2 months, begging and pleading with him to just listen to me, telling him I was sorry, yada yada. Now I wish I would have done NC right away because I wouldn't have felt so pathetic and undignified. You give them power when you do that, and they don't deserve the good feelings power brings after they've treated us so disrespectfully. You can write your heart out, but DON'T send it. Keep it for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Trialbyfire

I agree with the other posters about not including family in the equation, regardless of how well you got along with them. I also agree about writing a letter but it's up to you whether you feel you want to send it. Take your time writing this letter and perfecting it. Draft it over and over again until you feel it expresses what you want. Wait a couple more weeks, read it over again and then decide if you want to send it.

 

If you decide to contact him, please prepare yourself for the fact that he may have moved on and that breaking NC can also put you back to where you started.

 

There's no definitive answer about how to cope with a break up. Look deep inside yourself and see what you feel capable of handling.

Link to post
Share on other sites
bridget_jones

There is no way to predict if he will ever come back. The best thing you can do is to accept that the relationship is over and move on. you have to let go of the possibility of the relationship.

NC helps in that it gives you time to heal emotionally, mourn the relationship, and accept that it is over.

Good luck to you, and please stop hanging on to the hope that you might get back together. The best way to proceed is to accept that it is a chapter in your life is over. The one thing that is flawed about this board is that the advice tends to give hope to those who have been broken up with that they have a chance that they will get back together and keep them holding on to that hope, and lots of posters support them in waiting for them to come back.

Link to post
Share on other sites
dr strangelove

some points

 

-women can get past most social protocals

 

-sexy clothing always has an edge

 

-I learned things from reading your situation

 

-I really a few things about myself from reading your situation

 

Anyways women forget that they can do things that men can not in these situations

 

Nut one thing i picked up on is..if he hung up on you sounds like you got on his nerves.. if that was not the case thats brutal

Link to post
Share on other sites

NC is suppose to give the couple a time to cool down and rethink the problem. Once the couple has had time to cool down from the arguement, disagreement, or whatever, then they can meet again and think it through. the NC period will also build up sexual tension too.

 

back when i had a gf, I initiated NC with her because i was so pissed at her. she would not listen to me and would often get us in trouble with our parents. I used the time to cool off while she used that time to date my bestfriend. need i say more?

 

a lot of things can happen during NC. since no one is communicating, cheating is a high possibility. maybe that will give you some insight?

Link to post
Share on other sites
bridget_jones

If they're broken up, they're not cheating on each other. The specific point of one partner breaking up with the other is to move on with their life without that person, and yes,meet someone else who will better fill their needs.

Why would you want to have NC with someone who broke up with you? When someone breaks up with you, they are telling you they don't want you in their life. So don't contact them. I know this is hard to think this to yourself, but after my last breakup, it really helped to think "We broke up. That means he doesn't want me in his life, in all ways." So...it helped me to not contact him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Okay, there certainly is consensus on this thread that I should absolutely NOT contact him, or his parents! And I see the wisdom of your advice. I'll take it, but what is so hard is that I don't believe that love just dies immediately; how can he have said he wanted to be with me forever and then break up with me four days later and tell me a month later he doesn't want me in his life? I just don't believe someone should get away with just cutting someone out of their lives, especially in the cold way he did it. It's petty, perhaps, but I really want him to suffer. I want him to feel some remorse for treating me as he did.

 

Dr. Strangelove, you're not the first person who thought the hanging up on me all the time was egregious. I would really get mad at him for it, and yet he kept doing it--and when we were long distance I thought it was REALLY offensive.

 

Okay, so not even his parents? Not even if I say, "Please don't feel you need to write me back?" And keep it light, thanking them for various kindnesses to me over the years, etc. Would they only suspect I have ulterior motives? This is all just so sad to me that something can end like this. Cossette4, I totally can see myself in your shoes in another 6 months: I don't see how I can ever forget being cut off like this, after three years of sacrifice and frustration in long distance assuming we were going to be together. And then he just cuts out two months into being in the same city. I feel like I will never be the same inside; I started smoking because I just can't deal; it's beyond my ability to deal, I feel.

 

I just don't understand. I mean, surely eventually he'll feel some compunction and contact me? What do you think?

Link to post
Share on other sites
bridget_jones

Have you thought about getting counseling? It really helped me get the closure I needed from my last relationship. Your put you in a position where really there is nothing you can do. He told you that you were broken up, he didn't want to talk about it anymore, and he didn't want you to contact him anymore.

You just have to take that for what it is. A good counselor will seriously help you let go of the thoughts you are having that are torturing you and keeping you from moving on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
CaliGuy, you always give such awesome advice. I'm curious--how long did it take you to really put the past in the past and focus on the future after your breakup? I'm going on 8 months now and it's still hard not to think/talk/type about this every day. Is it a bad idea to talk about it to my family/friends when I'm upset? I don't like to bottle things up inside, but sometimes I think my constant talking about the same things over and over again keeps me stuck in the past. I get angry with myself for wasting so much of everyday dwelling over what he did to me. He really isn't worth my time, yet I devote so much time in the day dwelling on him.

 

I don't know that you can put a time limit on it. I guess when you get tired of feeling sorry for yourself and work on your confidence and self-esteem that really jumpstarts everything else.

 

Life really is what you make of it.

 

You can wallow in pity or you can take charge of the present and not let the past control your future.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Okay, there certainly is consensus on this thread that I should absolutely NOT contact him, or his parents! And I see the wisdom of your advice. I'll take it, but what is so hard is that I don't believe that love just dies immediately; how can he have said he wanted to be with me forever and then break up with me four days later and tell me a month later he doesn't want me in his life? I just don't believe someone should get away with just cutting someone out of their lives, especially in the cold way he did it. It's petty, perhaps, but I really want him to suffer. I want him to feel some remorse for treating me as he did.

 

Do you wonder if he might have met someone else? That's often a reason why someone can seem to shut you out of their lives pretty quickly.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Norajane, I wish I had an answer to that. Yes, I do wonder. But knowing that he had moved here and occupied his time up until January with me, he would have to have taken on the first woman to smile at him to have started dating someone so fast. Now that it's April, it's entirely possible he's met someone, especially since I'm sure he's pining for companionship. It kills me to think of it, even though I can't imagine him meeting someone so soon about whom he could feel as strongly as he did me. I mean, could he have?

 

bridget_jones, I have sought counseling and can't say it's helping much. I want him. I want him to contact me. I can't believe he really could have reached a point where his words of "done" came from 100% feeling of being done. I can't believe he wouldn't still love me--although if he was feeling unfulfilled in the relationship, and neglected, almost ANY kind of regular attention from someone who didn't have to commute to be with him would probably be an improvement for him. I'm sure he's feeling pretty vulnerable, having only recently uprooted and then broken up with the person for whom he moved (I'm choking on my tears right now), and any kind ministrations from any woman would probably fill a need. And that? kills me. I want him to miss me. I want him to say he wants to be with me. I want him, if I wrote him,k to be moved by my letter and call me.

 

I am unable to fathom how it could be over just *poof!* like that. I feel damaged, like I'll never trust again; I feel like my whole context for my future has been stripped away.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Do you wonder if he might have met someone else? That's often a reason why someone can seem to shut you out of their lives pretty quickly.

 

I agree completely. They have someone else to put their focus and attention on entirely.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I can't speak for now, CaliGuy, since by now certainly he could be dating someone. But I highly doubt he had met someone by the time he sent me that "I'm finished with us and stop contacting me" e-mail in mid-February. Also, he's only dated a few people and I was his first long-term, serious relationship; he told me I was the first person he ever really loved. I don't see him jumping into something new, though his need for companionship now that he's in a new city might mean he will behave more brashly than is customary for him.

 

But what I really wonder is this: I find that my instincts usually are pretty spot-on, and I rely on them for reality-testing. But in this situation, my instincts tell me two opposite things: on the one hand, I feel that faith in him that I had, and that faith assures me he WILL contact me as it WILL hit him how abruptly and hurtfully he ended this relationship, and that if he does contact me in part it will be to see if we could get back together. On the other hand, I feel he lacks the courage and integrity--as demonstrated from how he broke up with me--to ever take that leap and get in touch with me; I feel he doesn't deal well with his feelings or feelings in general and will operate on the fantasy for a long time that one can move on and never look back. But then I remember how prone to nostalgia he is, and feel he certainly will contact me as he can't just cut out 5 years of his life like this.

 

Basically I feel that the inner 'compass' I have come to trust is not being very trustworthy in this case. And I don't know what that means. I generally know and read people pretty well, and in this case I just don't know. I had a dear friendship break up 6 years ago; she broke it off; and our entire NC period I felt absolutely CERTAIN that we would be speaking again and work it out. I ventured to write her 2 months into our NC, and sure enough, she was thrilled I wrote and we restored our friendship. In that situation, my instincts were clear and proved right. In this situation with my ex, I feel so muddled, and such opposite instincts...overall it feels like I never knew this person at all...and then, maybe, I knew, and know, him *too* well and I'm just not liking what my instincts are telling me.

 

What do you guys think? Have you felt anything similar? BAck to my original question: is there a way you can just KNOW your ex will contact you; do any of you have anecdotes of feeling certaini things about your ex and then they contacted you, or never did?

Link to post
Share on other sites

GC,

 

I didn't want to believe what CailGuy and the other said too about there being someone else. In my case I was stunned to find out that's exactly was the reason a few months after our breakup.

 

I to had feelings he would contact me . Now I realize it was just hope and not wanting to let go.

 

I'm sorry.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I read your other thread and I feel terrible for you. I broke up exactly two weeks ago with a guy I was absolutely in love with (still am), and THAT was after getting back together a month after he broke up with me. It's a long story, but the point is, I understand what you're going through.

 

I want him, if I wrote him,k to be moved by my letter and call me.

 

I felt exactly the same way the first time we broke up. I started writing this quasi-novella about everything that happened between us and I planned to drop it in his locker in school the day after Valentine's Day. Consciously I told myself that I did it for closure, but at the back of my head I was hoping that he'd read it, be moved by it enough to call me (we were also doing a no-contact thing) and eventually get back together. But before that could happen, I broke NC, we met, and crashed back together into something neither of us were ready for - hence the second break up.

 

On hindsight, I think if I had finish writing that quasi-novella and he had read it, he probably wouldn't have called me. And I don't have to go through the crushing disappointment of getting no response from him to know how devastated and plain heartbroken I would have felt if that had happened.

 

My point is, I think it's unhealthy and very detrimental for you to want to write him a letter and hope he'd call you. In fact, it's detrimental for you to keep hoping he'd call you, period. I kept hoping my ex would call me - even now, after breaking up for the second time, I find myself hoping he'd take the initiative to call me. But he never did and he still doesn't and it's extremely painful to see no activity on my cell phone every night. I know this is not what you want to hear, but from his silence and his "don't contact me" email, it's pretty clear that you have to let go of this relationship and move on.

 

I really do feel for you, GreenCove, your confusion and bewilderment, just to put it mildly, the "why"s and the "how can it end just like that?" But I realised that it's better for me to accept the truth that it's over, rather than to hang on to some flimsy, probably non-existent hope that things would work out the way I want them to someday. I still hope, of course, but increasingly I'm making myself look forward and let go. It's the only way. And that includes listening to the things your instincts are telling you which you don't like, i.e.:

 

...maybe, I knew, and know, him *too* well and I'm just not liking what my instincts are telling me.

 

Maybe that's the case. Bottom line is, you don't know for sure if he'd call you. Maybe he'd call someday, maybe he wouldn't. You can't plan the rest of your life around something so uncertain. You have to move on.

 

Going back to the first quote taken from your post, if you think that calling him/writing him a letter hoping he'd call you but he doesn't might help you accept it's over, then do it. Maybe you need a final slap in the face, to put it crudely. I'm sure this isn't very helpful but ultimately, you have to do what's best for yourself. I wish you all the best.

 

What do you guys think? Have you felt anything similar? BAck to my original question: is there a way you can just KNOW your ex will contact you; do any of you have anecdotes of feeling certaini things about your ex and then they contacted you, or never did?

 

I can't really answer this. I'm built in such a way that I'm always expecting the worst, just in case; so when the break-up happened I made myself not hope for anything at all and so I don't think I ever felt like I knew he'd just contact me. If I did, I'm pretty sure it was all misguided hope on my part (sometimes you can't block out the hope, no matter how hard you try).

 

Also, I think it's too easy to confuse your wanting something to happen really badly with an instinctive feeling that it'd happen. Maybe you should think about whether what you think your instincts are telling you is REALLY what your instincts are telling you, or if it's merely what you're hoping would happen.

 

I created this account just to reply to this thread so um, I hope this helped in the most remote sort of way. Once again, I wish you all the best. *hugs*

Link to post
Share on other sites

What do you guys think? Have you felt anything similar? BAck to my original question: is there a way you can just KNOW your ex will contact you; do any of you have anecdotes of feeling certaini things about your ex and then they contacted you, or never did?

 

Nope. It's all a guessing game. That's why it's best for you to move on with your life and not worry about whether they contact you or not. Right now it doesn't matter. You need to put the focus on you and healing. If they really want you, nothing will stop them from contacting you.

 

Until then, if ever, all you've got is you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

My point is, I think it's unhealthy and very detrimental for you to want to write him a letter and hope he'd call you. In fact, it's detrimental for you to keep hoping he'd call you, period. I kept hoping my ex would call me - even now, after breaking up for the second time, I find myself hoping he'd take the initiative to call me. But he never did and he still doesn't and it's extremely painful to see no activity on my cell phone every night. I know this is not what you want to hear, but from his silence and his "don't contact me" email, it's pretty clear that you have to let go of this relationship and move on.

 

Thanks for replying to this. I'm so sorry about your situation. Re: what you say above: I hear you. It's just that I can't believe he could move all the way here, give it two months while we both struggle to adjust to our new situations individually--he to new city, new country (he's Canadian but went for PhD in the States), away from his family; me finishing my thesis, interviewing for and starting a new job in a new industry--as well as to the new relationship situation of being together and preparing to move in together, and then bail. We spent the past three years mutually lost but, I thought, mutually certain that once we got things sorted out we were going to be together forever, in the same city, and all would be wonderful. I can't believe that he doesn't still love me; I can't believe he could just up and quit as I thought people like him, like us, just didn't do that (meaning, we both are loyal, are respected by those who know us for our integrity and kindness, etc.). I feel sick with shock and I can't help but feel that some words, some communication, with a counselor where we each could be safe to air our hurts, would heal us so much and likely lead to our resuming the relationship. I don't know what to make of his silence, but as it persists I never knew how powerful silence could be. My MO always is to talk through things. His MO always is to shut down...but I never expected him to shut *out* and *off*. That's why I can't let go of hope, because for me there is just no closure. ALso, in my experience, people always resurface and with them, whatever you may have tried to shut out in shutting them out of your life. I personally try to keep as open as possible, and work on myself from inside, since banning people as a way of dealing with things really doesn't help you deal, at least not for me, at least not in my experience. I can't imagine that this mode really could work for anyone.

 

I can't really answer this. I'm built in such a way that I'm always expecting the worst, just in case; so when the break-up happened I made myself not hope for anything at all and so I don't think I ever felt like I knew he'd just contact me. If I did, I'm pretty sure it was all misguided hope on my part (sometimes you can't block out the hope, no matter how hard you try).

 

That's a good attitude, and I envy you for it as I am very idealistic and romantic when it comes to people. I always trust that people--especially those I have chosen to be in my life--will do the right thing. I entered this relationship with the knowledge that really I only want to be with one person my whole life, and I thought I was the kind of person--very measured in how and to whom I give my heart--who would have that. I don't take relationships lightly, I don't see people as expendable, and I don't believe that the grass is always greener with someone else. I gave my heart to this person because he seemed to have the same sentiments, and the loyalty and integrity to work withi me to keep our relationship alive. This breakup has erased my whole sense of things; I feel so disoriented; I guess I cling to hope as a way of restoring the way I felt things to be. I guess I am just very naive?

 

Also, I think it's too easy to confuse your wanting something to happen really badly with an instinctive feeling that it'd happen. Maybe you should think about whether what you think your instincts are telling you is REALLY what your instincts are telling you, or if it's merely what you're hoping would happen.

 

You're probably right. Here's what my instincts tell me: generally, that when you have been as emotionally involved with someone as he and I were and for as long as we were, that can't just get swept under the carpet forever. Whether we move on to other partners or get back together or what, we were foundational influences on each others' lives. We can never forget each other. And so I think that people in that situation will find their way to contact at some point. My instincts regarding this person in particular are that he is going to contact me, but it might not be for a very long time unless this breakup caused him to look closely at himself and what he wants and he quickly comes to feel more definite about who he is, where he's going, and he'll contact me either to get back together or to put the proper closure on things. I always want to be surprised by people...but in this case my instincts also say that he's probably trying to forget about things, and not think about things, and just throw himself into solidifying his new life--his first real independence from his family--with minimal introspection. That always was my feeling about him, though--that he didn't want to have to think about things; he didn't want things to be hard--but then he'd always surprise me. So I guess I really don't know...and that's a the principal cause of the pain I'm feeling.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Nope. It's all a guessing game. That's why it's best for you to move on with your life and not worry about whether they contact you or not. Right now it doesn't matter. You need to put the focus on you and healing. If they really want you, nothing will stop them from contacting you.

 

Until then, if ever, all you've got is you.

 

Thanks, CaliGuy--I read what you write on other threads and you have very steady, solid advice and a sound perspective. In more positive moments I try to view this breakup as an opportunity for me to solidify who I want to be, and what I deem most important in life. But it's hard to define those things amidst so much pain and loneliness; for me at least, I find that I arrive at the greatest clarity about such heady matters when I'm surrounded by love. Love inspires me. And though I have some wonderful friends, none of my friendships can really enable me to exercise all my intensity in loving; I try to play it cool in my friendships--increasingly so as I realize it's best to go through life not expecting so much from people and let them give you what they want to, and what they can.

 

But I have a question: do you really think it's always true that if someone really wants you, nothing will stop them from contacting you? I feel like my guy really boxed himself in with his e-mail of now almost 8 weeks ago, because you can't just call someone up after writing words like his ("By virtue of me saying it's over, and not wanting to discuss things with you, I have no obligation to discuss things with you"; "Also, I am no longer your best friend, so you can't rely on me for support"; "I don't want to be in a relationship with you"; "I'm sorry that I need to say this, but I request that you stop contacting me"). What if, once all the anger and hurt die down, he misses me and wants to contact me? Even if he wanted me desperately, why would he--passive in anything concerning emotion and risk-adverse (he works in risk management!)--stick his neck out and risk finding that I don't want him, that I'm angry at him, that I have found someone else? I've always been the initiator in this relationship. So...what do you think?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I've always been the initiator in this relationship. So...what do you think?

 

If you keep doing the same thing over and over - in this case being the initiator - you cannot possibly expect a different result.

 

You've already tried contacting him and he was very, very firm in telling you to go away. Try something different: stay away from him and do not contact him at all. Move on and let him stew in his own juice for as long as it takes for him to make an effort for you. If he never makes the effort, he obviously doesn't want you enough.

Link to post
Share on other sites
If you keep doing the same thing over and over - in this case being the initiator - you cannot possibly expect a different result.

 

You've already tried contacting him and he was very, very firm in telling you to go away. Try something different: stay away from him and do not contact him at all. Move on and let him stew in his own juice for as long as it takes for him to make an effort for you. If he never makes the effort, he obviously doesn't want you enough.

 

 

I agree. When something is not working do something different.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...