NC when Long Distance

[sweetscarlet]

My situation is a little different. We met online and we haven't met in person yet. We've talked for a few months now and he was scheduled to come to my town next month for something and we planned to meet then.

 

Lately he'd been acting argumentative. Nothing I could do was right. The more I tried to talk about it, the worse it got. I wondered if he was doing this to break up or if this is how he really was (which isn't how he was to begin with). He was still calling and emailing however.

When we first began talking he was calling and emailing constantly and he pretty much had put me at the top. Then one week, things just changed.

 

Last week, I sent an email to him and some of it was on how some things he said made me feel. The rest of the email was rather light. I tried to phrase things very carefully in a way so as not to accuse or anything.

He emailed back that he's tired of explaining himself and of my criticisms and wants to take a break right now and will contact me if and when he wants to continue.

 

Silly person that I am, I emailed apologizing for what I'd said, telling him how bad that I felt that I hurt his feelings, etc.... I didn't beg or plead or ask him to reconsider however (things I've done with men in the past). I told him that I'm sorry things didn't work out and that I hope that he finds what he's looking for and that I'll miss him.

 

I sent that a few days ago. Then the next day I sent a few jokes that I sent to a group of people--not to just him. I haven't sent anything else.

 

Here's the problem. Going NC is difficult in my situation because he will be here in a few weeks and we don't live anywhere near each other and I think I'd still like to meet him after all this time. Or at least I'd like to know how he feels about it.

 

If he were local then I could go NC without a deadline but this is a little different.

 

Any thoughts on this?

[sweetscarlet]

I guess I'm not going to get responses on here.

[fireflywy]

My situation is a little different. We met online and we haven't met in person yet. We've talked for a few months now and he was scheduled to come to my town next month for something and we planned to meet then.

 

Lately he'd been acting argumentative. Nothing I could do was right. The more I tried to talk about it, the worse it got. I wondered if he was doing this to break up or if this is how he really was (which isn't how he was to begin with). He was still calling and emailing however.

When we first began talking he was calling and emailing constantly and he pretty much had put me at the top. Then one week, things just changed.

 

Last week, I sent an email to him and some of it was on how some things he said made me feel. The rest of the email was rather light. I tried to phrase things very carefully in a way so as not to accuse or anything.

He emailed back that he's tired of explaining himself and of my criticisms and wants to take a break right now and will contact me if and when he wants to continue.

 

Silly person that I am, I emailed apologizing for what I'd said, telling him how bad that I felt that I hurt his feelings, etc.... I didn't beg or plead or ask him to reconsider however (things I've done with men in the past). I told him that I'm sorry things didn't work out and that I hope that he finds what he's looking for and that I'll miss him.

 

I sent that a few days ago. Then the next day I sent a few jokes that I sent to a group of people--not to just him. I haven't sent anything else.

 

Here's the problem. Going NC is difficult in my situation because he will be here in a few weeks and we don't live anywhere near each other and I think I'd still like to meet him after all this time. Or at least I'd like to know how he feels about it.

 

If he were local then I could go NC without a deadline but this is a little different.

 

Any thoughts on this?

 

Well.. he said he needed a break. You did everything you could to fix the situation and he didn't have it. He said he wanted to take a break from it which means he pretty much ended whatever relationship you guys had. You apologized to him and basically wished him the best and left him on a sweet note.

 

It's going to hurt for a bit, but I'd write it off and move on. It sounded like he was getting flaky on you the closer it came to meeting you and judging by his actions it sounds like he was trying to turn down the volume of the psudeo relationship.

 

 

You haven't met this person yet so feel blessed that you didn't create a deeper connection through a meeting.

 

Once again, I'd write it off and move on.

[Faith2]

When you're in a long-distance relationship, communication is the only thing you've got to hold you together. However, he has asked you to back off. To me, that means don't email him ANYthing, not even group email jokes.

 

I was in an online LDR (US-Europe) for 15 months before we finally met in person. During that time, we had countless misunderstandings and online fights. Sometimes I would shut him down for a few days (NC... also known as The Silent Treatment). He'd go off in his corner, sulking. Then he would always come back. Before we met in person, the stress was so extreme that it was flying through the air, we argued like crazy, and almost canceled our meeting. From what I've read on other LDR forums, this is pretty common.

 

Listen to me - no more contact with him until HE contacts YOU - you hear me? He'll contact you, I'm sure of it... but only IF you back off. Absolutely no groveling, no mea culpa apologies. Be cool and be sweet. Be someone he'll want to meet.

 

Don't worry about the upcoming meeting. It will happen.

[sweetscarlet]

When you're in a long-distance relationship, communication is the only thing you've got to hold you together. However, he has asked you to back off. To me, that means don't email him ANYthing, not even group email jokes.

 

I was in an online LDR (US-Europe) for 15 months before we finally met in person. During that time, we had countless misunderstandings and online fights. Sometimes I would shut him down for a few days (NC... also known as The Silent Treatment). He'd go off in his corner, sulking. Then he would always come back. Before we met in person, the stress was so extreme that it was flying through the air, we argued like crazy, and almost canceled our meeting. From what I've read on other LDR forums, this is pretty common.

 

Listen to me - no more contact with him until HE contacts YOU - you hear me? He'll contact you, I'm sure of it... but only IF you back off. Absolutely no groveling, no mea culpa apologies. Be cool and be sweet. Be someone he'll want to meet.

 

Don't worry about the upcoming meeting. It will happen.

 

 

I haven't read here lately because no one was responding before. I just saw this now. He emailed me back the day to something I wrote where I asked how he was doing. He said ok and that he had been unhappy with where our conversations had been going and he hopes I find someone that's a better fit.

 

So, doesn't that mean it's over?

 

I did email since then but he's not responding. How do I know he'll contact me again before he gets here? Hes going to be here in two weeks. He may have made plans to meet someone else here by now.

 

If so, I'd like to know. I am wanting to call him tomorrow because I want to know if he plans to meet me still or not. You say not to but how will I ever know?

You also said to be cool and be sweet but how can I be if I'm not in contact?

Please let me know. I'll make sure to check back here.

[sweetscarlet]

Well.. he said he needed a break. You did everything you could to fix the situation and he didn't have it. He said he wanted to take a break from it which means he pretty much ended whatever relationship you guys had. You apologized to him and basically wished him the best and left him on a sweet note.

 

It's going to hurt for a bit, but I'd write it off and move on. It sounded like he was getting flaky on you the closer it came to meeting you and judging by his actions it sounds like he was trying to turn down the volume of the psudeo relationship.

 

 

You haven't met this person yet so feel blessed that you didn't create a deeper connection through a meeting.

 

Once again, I'd write it off and move on.

 

I wish I could do it that easily but I can't. I'm the type that wants answers. I envy the type of people who don't need answers.

[sweetscarlet]

When you're in a long-distance relationship, communication is the only thing you've got to hold you together. However, he has asked you to back off. To me, that means don't email him ANYthing, not even group email jokes.

 

I was in an online LDR (US-Europe) for 15 months before we finally met in person. During that time, we had countless misunderstandings and online fights. Sometimes I would shut him down for a few days (NC... also known as The Silent Treatment). He'd go off in his corner, sulking. Then he would always come back. Before we met in person, the stress was so extreme that it was flying through the air, we argued like crazy, and almost canceled our meeting. From what I've read on other LDR forums, this is pretty common.

 

Listen to me - no more contact with him until HE contacts YOU - you hear me? He'll contact you, I'm sure of it... but only IF you back off. Absolutely no groveling, no mea culpa apologies. Be cool and be sweet. Be someone he'll want to meet.

 

Don't worry about the upcoming meeting. It will happen.

 

I wanted to add to my post to you but it wouldn't let me.....

 

I was going to call him tomorrow because if not, I won't know if he plans to meet me or not and the anxiety will kill me. By his last email it looks like he does not yet he didn't exactly say that. I asked in my email if he no longer wants to meet and he is not responding to it.

 

Don't I deserve to know? I set aside my time for this weekend because he was going to be in town. Is it wrong for me to ask?

 

If he'd say he still plans to meet, I'd be aloof after that and let him do all the calling. But I guess I want the initial answer first.

 

I want to ask him if there is someone else he plans to meet up with here instead. I will be able to tell by how he answers if there is or not. If there IS someone else, then I will be totally done with him.

[Island Girl]

I wanted to add to my post to you but it wouldn't let me.....

 

I was going to call him tomorrow because if not, I won't know if he plans to meet me or not and the anxiety will kill me. By his last email it looks like he does not yet he didn't exactly say that. I asked in my email if he no longer wants to meet and he is not responding to it.

 

Don't I deserve to know? I set aside my time for this weekend because he was going to be in town. Is it wrong for me to ask?

 

If he'd say he still plans to meet, I'd be aloof after that and let him do all the calling. But I guess I want the initial answer first.

 

He is not responding.

 

To me that says make other plans instead of counting on meeting him.

 

You seem really desperate for a guy you have never met - only talked to for a couple of months.

 

The truth is you may deserve an answer but the best lesson you can get is that you may never get one and even if you do, it could be a lie.

 

Generally the best thing to do is not care so much about the words.

 

It's over and knowing that should be enough.

 

Move on to the next one - there's always a next one.

[sweetscarlet]

He is not responding.

 

To me that says make other plans instead of counting on meeting him.

 

You seem really desperate for a guy you have never met - only talked to for a couple of months.

 

The truth is you may deserve an answer but the best lesson you can get is that you may never get one and even if you do, it could be a lie.

 

Generally the best thing to do is not care so much about the words.

 

It's over and knowing that should be enough.

 

Move on to the next one - there's always a next one.

 

I do know that he considered it a relationship....so it wasn't just me. In fact, he's the one who called it that.

 

And yeah, I think a person CAN get answers. I think some people never try to. A lot of people go away silently...never knowing. I don't. I find out. And you know, sometimes it's not what you think. Sometimes they're not contacting you for other reasons. You don't know. But so many people never find out. You might consider that more dignified but I don't think dignity has anything to do with it. I don't think there's anything undignified with communication.

 

And no, I'm not desperate for a guy. I spent quite a bit of time getting to know him and even planning a trip with him. I formed an attachment which I think is normal. It's odd for me to see people who do not form attachments. I guess we're all different. That doesn't make one person desperate though so please don't label me, ok?

 

And true, we haven't met, but that doesn't really matter. You get to know someone quite a bit by talking to them. You would have to experience it to know.

 

Some people have misgivings about meeting people online. Some people don't see how you can get to know someone that you've never met. I don't have those restrictions. I don't feel that the medium in which you meet someone matters and I don't feel that what form your correspondence takes matters. It's all communication....just in different forms.

[Faith2]

I was going to call him tomorrow because if not, I won't know if he plans to meet me or not and the anxiety will kill me. By his last email it looks like he does not yet he didn't exactly say that. I asked in my email if he no longer wants to meet and he is not responding to it.

 

I want to ask him if there is someone else he plans to meet up with here instead.

 

No, don't call him and absolutely do NOT ask him about anyone else. Both of these things reek of desperation. I agree with Island Girl - you're coming across as awfully desperate and needy about someone you haven't even met him yet.

 

Please don't get me wrong - I DO understand how you can develop strong feelings for someone online - I did it myself! But this guy is pulling away from you. If you keep after him in this negative way... "don't you want to meet me?..."is there someone else?"... it makes you look like you have no self-esteem at all. That's not going to attract him.

 

You want answers, but you won't get anything by chasing after him... except that he'll eventually get so annoyed that he'll slap you down with a definitive NO.

 

It may be too late to pull this out of the fire. But if you simply can't resist contacting him again, then try this... quote his last email, the part where he says he didn't like the direction your communications were going. Then say simply: "You're right. I agree with you. Although it's possible that we'd feel different about it once we actually meet in person. If we don't meet, then perhaps we'll always wonder..."

 

Leave it at that. Stop with the apologies, no more joke emails, no calling. If he doesn't reply, or if he responds negatively again... well, there's your answer.

 

Hope for the best, plan for the worst. If things don't work out with him, make backup plans for that weekend to do something fun and indulgent for yourself instead.

[Island Girl]

I do know that he considered it a relationship....so it wasn't just me. In fact, he's the one who called it that.

 

I do think he thought it was a relationship.

 

That's why he broke up with you instead of just stopping contact.

 

And yeah, I think a person CAN get answers. I think some people never try to. A lot of people go away silently...never knowing. I don't. I find out. And you know, sometimes it's not what you think. Sometimes they're not contacting you for other reasons. You don't know. But so many people never find out. You might consider that more dignified but I don't think dignity has anything to do with it. I don't think there's anything undignified with communication.

 

You can get answers but only if the other person is willing to give them - and tell the truth.

 

Sadly you can't control what another person does in response to your questions in e-mails, on the phone, in person or whatever communication you choose.

 

That was my point.

 

And no, I'm not desperate for a guy. I spent quite a bit of time getting to know him and even planning a trip with him. I formed an attachment which I think is normal. It's odd for me to see people who do not form attachments. I guess we're all different. That doesn't make one person desperate though so please don't label me, ok?

 

Then, why, if someone broke up with you would you still be trying so hard to keep it going somehow?

 

And true, we haven't met, but that doesn't really matter. You get to know someone quite a bit by talking to them. You would have to experience it to know.

 

Honey, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but it is easy to be great long distance.

 

You get to know most people by spending a whole lot of time with them and communicating with them.

 

But even then, it is easy for some to fool others about their real character.

 

You just never know the "break up side" of someone until it happens.

 

That is why so many people are shocked and say, "I never thought he / she could do something like this!" when they break up over whatever it is.

 

Some people have misgivings about meeting people online. Some people don't see how you can get to know someone that you've never met. I don't have those restrictions. I don't feel that the medium in which you meet someone matters and I don't feel that what form your correspondence takes matters. It's all communication....just in different forms.

 

Great. Keep meeting people however it is that you meet them.

 

I'm all for that.

 

But start dating other people and keep your mind off of this guy.

 

He broke up with you. Had you been dating in person and broke up would you expect to set up a time when you were going to meet up again? No.

 

There's no reason to because you broke up right?

 

Same with this guy. When he comes to town, he may feel nostalgic and call to meet up. Deal with that if it comes up. (Hopefully by then you'll have a bit more perspective and won't jump at the chance.)

 

For right now, move on to greener pastures and forget about him.

[sweetscarlet]

No, don't call him and absolutely do NOT ask him about anyone else. Both of these things reek of desperation. I agree with Island Girl - you're coming across as awfully desperate and needy about someone you haven't even met him yet.

 

Please don't get me wrong - I DO understand how you can develop strong feelings for someone online - I did it myself! But this guy is pulling away from you. If you keep after him in this negative way... "don't you want to meet me?..."is there someone else?"... it makes you look like you have no self-esteem at all. That's not going to attract him.

 

You want answers, but you won't get anything by chasing after him... except that he'll eventually get so annoyed that he'll slap you down with a definitive NO.

 

It may be too late to pull this out of the fire. But if you simply can't resist contacting him again, then try this... quote his last email, the part where he says he didn't like the direction your communications were going. Then say simply: "You're right. I agree with you. Although it's possible that we'd feel different about it once we actually meet in person. If we don't meet, then perhaps we'll always wonder..."

 

Leave it at that. Stop with the apologies, no more joke emails, no calling. If he doesn't reply, or if he responds negatively again... well, there's your answer.

 

Hope for the best, plan for the worst. If things don't work out with him, make backup plans for that weekend to do something fun and indulgent for yourself instead.

 

 

I didn't say things exactly as you're quoting them. I said: "Are you saying you no longer want to meet now?" and "I'm just curious...is there someone else here you'll be spending your time with?" That's not quite as needy as the way you phrased it.

 

I like your idea but I'm not sure it'll work. If I'm upset it seems to work so I might try that first.

[Faith2]

I didn't say things exactly as you're quoting them. I said: "Are you saying you no longer want to meet now?" and "I'm just curious...is there someone else here you'll be spending your time with?" That's not quite as needy as the way you phrased it.

 

Nonetheless, it amounts to the same thing. You're getting no response from him. Stop pestering him with questions of ANY kind.

 

If I'm upset it seems to work so I might try that first.

 

What do you mean, if you're upset it seems to work...?

 

Step back from this whole thing and give it some breathing space.

[sweetscarlet]

Yeah, I know. I'm bad about giving it breathing space when it gets to this point and I'm getting no response. Before this though, I'm cool as can be. But when it reaches this point, I get panicky.

 

I sent an e-mail. I did throw in a little guilt. I asked how he could do this to me with the stuff that I'm going through right now (some other personal stuff going on). I did say that his lack of an answer as to meeting someone pretty much answered the question and that I was basing it on his past experiences. (sorry but he's met people in other cities before that he'd only talked to for a week or two, so it isn't odd for me to jump to that conclusion).

 

Then I asked if I just the flavor of the month. I asked if he sent them all the same e-mails. (I know he talks to other women he meets online)

 

I said how I miss when we would joke about such and such and how he made me laugh. I asked if he does that with someone new now and it all gets repeated. (there is good reason for me to say this---I think he's always looking for new women to date)

 

I mentioned how someone who was in a LDR told me how a lot of times they start out this way (before the people meet) and then once they meet things work out.

 

And then, I ended with your line about how if we don't meet, we'll always wonder.

[Faith2]

I give up.

[sweetscarlet]

I give up.

 

 

Thanks a lot. I'm feeling really bad right now and then I come here and read this. Now I'm crying. Do you feel better for that cold-hearted reply now? I can't type anymore

[Faith2]

Well, you posted this thread saying that he "wants to take a break right now and will contact me if and when he wants to continue."

 

You asked for advice and three people replied, all telling you one way or another to back off from contacting him. As of right now, approx. 170 people have viewed this thread, but so far nobody else is posting any different advice.

 

Nonetheless, you went ahead and emailed him again with everything in your arsenal guaranteed to make him NEVER want to meet you face to face. The damage is done.

 

That's why I said, I give up.

 

If by some miracle this situation does a 180 turnaround, and you two do meet, and everything is roses, then I will eat my words.

 

I feel bad that the advice you received here wasn't enough to get you to step away from the keyboard and leave him alone.

[Island Girl]

Yeah, I know. I'm bad about giving it breathing space when it gets to this point and I'm getting no response. Before this though, I'm cool as can be. But when it reaches this point, I get panicky.

 

It has gotten the point where it is over. Done. The sooner you get that the better.

 

I sent an e-mail. I did throw in a little guilt. I asked how he could do this to me with the stuff that I'm going through right now (some other personal stuff going on). I did say that his lack of an answer as to meeting someone pretty much answered the question and that I was basing it on his past experiences. (sorry but he's met people in other cities before that he'd only talked to for a week or two, so it isn't odd for me to jump to that conclusion).

 

You sound like a rejected needy doormat. Not good. And not attractive if you ever wanted to get him back.

 

Then I asked if I just the flavor of the month. I asked if he sent them all the same e-mails. (I know he talks to other women he meets online)

 

Leaning toward psycho jaded girl now. Do you understand the impression these e-mails give the other person?

 

I said how I miss when we would joke about such and such and how he made me laugh. I asked if he does that with someone new now and it all gets repeated. (there is good reason for me to say this---I think he's always looking for new women to date)

 

Within just the e-mails you have posted about you have given him more than enough ammunition to go get someone else.

 

I mentioned how someone who was in a LDR told me how a lot of times they start out this way (before the people meet) and then once they meet things work out.

 

And then, I ended with your line about how if we don't meet, we'll always wonder.

 

He's not wondering anymore. He is breathing a huge sigh of relief and moving on to another.

 

If you can't see what you have done -- the unstable behavior and how that has translated into your e-mails you are destined for heartache.

 

I hope you save them and come back later to read what you wrote to him with fresh eyes.

 

What you think you are saying should not be said - but even if you were to say it, you don't say it the way you did.

 

You're not going to hear from him. Sorry.

[sweetscarlet]

It has gotten the point where it is over. Done. The sooner you get that the better.

 

 

 

You sound like a rejected needy doormat. Not good. And not attractive if you ever wanted to get him back.

 

 

 

Leaning toward psycho jaded girl now. Do you understand the impression these e-mails give the other person?

 

 

 

Within just the e-mails you have posted about you have given him more than enough ammunition to go get someone else.

 

 

 

He's not wondering anymore. He is breathing a huge sigh of relief and moving on to another.

 

If you can't see what you have done -- the unstable behavior and how that has translated into your e-mails you are destined for heartache.

 

I hope you save them and come back later to read what you wrote to him with fresh eyes.

 

What you think you are saying should not be said - but even if you were to say it, you don't say it the way you did.

 

You're not going to hear from him. Sorry.

 

Yeah, that's really psycho and unstable. Care to say what's so psycho and unstable about it? To me it sounds like you are going to tear down whatever I say to him no matter what. You even tore down the last part which is what was recommended to me here. Sounds like you just want to cut me down here.

And maybe you should go back and read about him...how he treated me. His dating history and playerish ways.

 

Not only that, you act like you're so friggin' perfect.

[Island Girl]

Yeah, that's really psycho and unstable. Care to say what's so psycho and unstable about it? To me it sounds like you are going to tear down whatever I say to him no matter what. You even tore down the last part which is what was recommended to me here. Sounds like you just want to cut me down here.

And maybe you should go back and read about him...how he treated me. His dating history and playerish ways.

 

If he is a serial dater or a player you absolutely don't have a shot at hearing from him.

 

It is not like I am trying to make something where there is nothing. It is all there in black and white.

 

What you wrote will not sway him. In fact it is just the opposite.

 

You became desperate and needy which turn on the exit signs when it comes to a player. Having been one - and tamed many - trust me I know. Nothing got a guy fired faster than turning into a needy pile of mush with no backbone.

 

I don't want to cut you down. Quite the opposite. I would like you to open your eyes and see how you have cut down your own self-esteem and become a doormat for a player who has already moved on.

 

What you say about "what we had" or "never knowing what we could be" doesn't matter to him. You are stroking his ego with how much he got to you.

 

The needy e-mails are man repellent. In fact it is not attractive in male or female behavior.

 

It is psycho to e-mail about other women who may be taking your place.

 

It is psycho to insist upon meeting someone who broke up with you and hasn't yet even given a backward glance at you or the relationship.

 

It is psycho to keep trying to contact someone who has not responded to you.

 

It is unstable to not be able to accept a break up and move on.

 

That is what you need to work on in you. You don't have to be this way you know.

 

You don't have to keep trying to play the victim. You are creating your own circumstances.

 

Who cares if he doesn't want to see you?

 

Make other plans and meet someone else.

 

This time, and from now on, maintain your dignity and self-respect and address your own insecurities so you aren't in this situation again.

 

As to the "you think you're so perfect" comment.

 

Well, I have been successful in the dating game and am now married to a wonderful man. I am quite happy. --- And by the way, he was the biggest player I ever met - when I met him - having been a professional rugby player and having girls all over the world throwing themselves at him.

 

Perhaps you would do better to listen instead of trying to justify your actions which were WRONG.

[lorr]

Listen Sweet Scarlet

 

Island girl's post was spot on, and I couldn't agree more.

 

You really do need to accept that its over and move on. Stop trying to create unnecessary drama- It's a waste of your time and energy.

 

You've just admitted that he's a player, so frankly his behaviour has given you a VERY clear answer.

[sweetscarlet]

Well I wasn't a doormat for one. I'm not sure why you think I was.

 

I asked him in an email if he no longer wants to meet. Why would it be so hard for him to answer that???

 

And he never actually said he was breaking up so it's not like he came out and said it. I know he hasn't responded so you don't need to point that out in your response. What I'm saying is that he never made a clear breakup.

 

I guess I want him to say it because if he does, I want to tell him off. He really deserves it.

 

 

I don't understand why you're proud of marrying a player and being one yourself.

[sweetscarlet]

Listen Sweet Scarlet

 

Island girl's post was spot on, and I couldn't agree more.

 

You really do need to accept that its over and move on. Stop trying to create unnecessary drama- It's a waste of your time and energy.

 

You've just admitted that he's a player, so frankly his behaviour has given you a VERY clear answer.

 

If that's the case then, I really want to let him have it. He put me down to build up himself and I can do the same.

[Island Girl]

If that's the case then, I really want to let him have it. He put me down to build up himself and I can do the same.

 

He didn't put you down.

 

He BROKE UP WITH YOU.

 

YOU took it upon yourself to send ridiculous self depreciating needy e-mails that he does not have to respond to.

 

If you broke up with someone and you were "done" and had nothing left to say, would you respond? Well, you might. But most people don't.

 

You proceeded to cause a whirlwind of emotion on your side when it is really really simple.

 

He broke up with you. That means he more than likely doesn't want contact with you again -- let alone meet you in person.

 

You are trying to hold on to something that has disappeared or bring life to something that has died.

 

It is futile.

 

And more contact will only make you look even more foolish and needy.

 

Just stop. And forget about him.

 

Meet someone else and move on. By your own admission he probably already has.

 

So why waste any effort on him?

 

I do hope you work on yourself some - your perspective of yourself and how you handle relationships need some help.

 

Don't you value yourself at all? Don't you understand that it is only your view of yourself that really counts?

 

I hate psycho-babble but really you do need some self-esteem and boundary work.

 

And before you start bashing me again - I am trying to help you.

 

How many successful relationships have you been in?

 

Have you had terrible heart wrenching break ups where you act out?

 

Is it a pattern or is this the first encounter you have had with the other person just ending it and it really being over?

 

Are you looking to have a relationship that leads to marriage? Or are you just dating to find a relationship that works for right now?

 

Let's start a dialogue -- and see if we can come to more of an understanding.

 

If you'll have an open mind, I am willing to try.

[Island Girl]

Well I wasn't a doormat for one. I'm not sure why you think I was.

 

You're needy e-mails give him the impression that you'd bend over backwards to have a chance at romance again. That translates into he can treat you however he wants and you'll stick around asking for more.

 

Hence he can walk all over you and you'll still want him.

 

A doormat.

 

I asked him in an email if he no longer wants to meet. Why would it be so hard for him to answer that???

 

Apparently he doesn't want to.

 

Simple. If he doesn't want to, he isn't going to. And judging from the other e-mails you sent he is thanking his lucky stars he got out when he did.

 

Here's a lesson for you:

 

If you send an e-mail to someone who broke up with you and they don't respond, writing more desperate none of your business e-mails isn't going to make the person want to respond even more.

 

And he never actually said he was breaking up so it's not like he came out and said it. I know he hasn't responded so you don't need to point that out in your response. What I'm saying is that he never made a clear breakup.

 

Sometimes you get a clear statement that it is over.

 

Sometimes it is done just as he did it. He said if he'd like to start up again, he'd contact you.

 

That is a clear statement to me. He essentially said "don't call me. I'll call if I want to." And he hasn't. So he doesn't want to. And due to your flurry of e-mails he is 99.9% not going to.

 

I guess I want him to say it because if he does, I want to tell him off. He really deserves it.

 

He deserves it because he broke up with you?

 

Those are the breaks. Everyone you go out with is not going to make you their end all be all.

 

Just move on.

 

 

I don't understand why you're proud of marrying a player and being one yourself.

 

Hey -- YOU brought it up. I am letting you know I know the game. You would do well to listen to others who have been on the other side of it.

 

Perhaps it would allow you to gain a new perspective.

 

I have dated the people I have wanted to date. I have never been unsuccessful in the dating world. I have a clear grasp on male / female behavior and how they interplay.

 

I have never been where you are -- well not since an early high school crush.

 

I have been on the other side of this kind of situation.

 

I would think it would benefit you to understand what he is doing and what his perception is of your actions.

 

You wanted to accomplish something and went about it the wrong way.

 

Now you will not get the result you desired.

 

If it was me, I'd want to learn from my mistakes so the same thing wouldn't happen again.