Jump to content

She accepted my invitation to dinner.. what do I do??


Johnny B

Recommended Posts

So the ex, whom I've been pining, missing, desiring, loving over the past 3 months accepted my invitation to dinner.

 

Now understanding that I'm the dumpee and she's the dumper.. and that she's still with her ex, I think she's doing it just to listen to whatever I have to say....

 

But what if I turn everything around and just make it a light, carefree, have fun time... to show off the new me and have her reminise of the old days. I can keep the jokes and good humor going on throughout the evening and then ask a serious questions or two at the end of the night.

 

In my mind.. I can make her have a great time out, but I also want to know if there is ever a chance for us again and if she cares about me and 2,000 other things... she's still with this other guy though and I cannot pound questions on that anymore.

 

what should i do???

 

Johnny B

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well what you should do is not even have dinner with her. But since that's already arranged, you should keep the whole evening light-hearted and fun. NO serious questions whatsoever. Then after dinner, don't contact her. Let everything sink in for her. If she wants to get in touch, she will. But, as you probably already know, you're walking into this situation at a disadvantage right off the bat so you would be wise to not get your hopes up.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well what you should do is not even have dinner with her. But since that's already arranged, you should keep the whole evening light-hearted and fun. NO serious questions whatsoever. Then after dinner, don't contact her. Let everything sink in for her. If she wants to get in touch, she will. But, as you probably already know, you're walking into this situation at a disadvantage right off the bat so you would be wise to not get your hopes up.

That's what I say!

 

(TB you are absolutely glowing. Are you radioactive by any chance?)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Actually I typed an error, I meant to say she's with the guy whom she started dating after me, not her ex.

 

Here is my original thread if no one remembers:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t109548/

 

 

I know that I'm treading dangerous waters... not sure what will come of it or what I can get out of this... Perhaps she can see a glimpse of who I've become Perhaps she can remember the good? I don't know. I will not get my hopes up but I will do my best to make sure she has an amazing time with me.

 

Hopefully that will stay with her and spark some memories.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I understand what all of you are saying... but I have nothing to lose, my days and nights are already filled with thoughts of her AND she works at my company, so I see her REGULARLY.

 

If nothing comes of it.. at least the last memory she can have of me is a wonderful evening together... that can't be a bad thing.

 

btw - I've also started to talk to a few girls again. Now whether I know that none of them can replace my ex.. at least I can go out and hopefully start having fun again. It can be the my first steps of moving forward.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I needed to say that the reason for the phone call was to see if there was anything left from her b/c I had began dating someone new (which is true) albeit just for 2 weeks. I told her that my heart needed to know if there is nothing left from her, if not, it was closure so that I can move on to someone new.

-I needed her to know that I truely cared when we dated for her but was too scared to open up and let my defenses down in fear of being hurt. Therefore I truely realize what I lost from that mistake.

-I told her that I realize how special she was but that it was too late b/c I knew she had moved on to someone new and that not everyone does get a second chance.

-Finally I said that as I write this, I want to say this for the last time and then let it go forever:

"I want you back in my life. If you cherished any of what we had, or had hopes of what we could be or hoped that we could be, then let us try."

 

It was my last stand and I know I should not have done it, but I needed it. I feel that if you don't say every last word, speak every last breath and open your heart, then you will always have doubt. I will always regret the bad, horrible, selffish things I did when we dated, but there is no more doubt to the extent to which I've tried for her back.

 

There will be no other letters, no emails, no notes. She knows EVERYTHING. If she hadn't already.

 

She knows that today I am a person who has learned from what he did and made changes, improvements, healing, all to become better and have a second chance with her. Otherwise, I need her to know that it is time for me to move on.

 

I gave her my final shot, I was sincere and honest and completely truthful... The ball is in her court now... She can choose to play it as she sees fit.

 

I finally, finally feel that I have done everything. It's just been so hard, I'm just trying to find my way. I can say that only now, after this experience, do I know what true heartbreak is. And I feel that I've matured and finally become a man.

 

Will I ever find another that was like her???

 

I was seeing this girl for about 3 months... She was really amazing. Smart, funny, sweet and completely into me.

 

I broke up with her over this past summer b/c I've always been the guy who sees someone for just a few months, but then I want to see what else is out there.

Over those 3 months I was pretty mean to her. I put her down, always brought up things from her past, picked fights with her constantly and criticized whom she associated with, even though she was always faithful and completely devoted to me.

 

After we broke up, she tirelessly tried to get back together with me.. but I wasn't having it b/c I was already dating new women and at the same time had her on the side as a friend. I told her that it was better this way b/c t I had to we if we can be friends now in order to see if we could reconcile. But I really had no intention of getting back with her.

 

6 weeks ago she told me she's started dating someone and they're still together.

 

 

"I want you back in my life. If you cherished any of what we had, or had hopes of what we could be or hoped that we could be, then let us try."

 

Any woman that would "cherish" being treated like you treat women is a moron. You have a lot of growing up to do and have a ton to learn about women. Your chasing her has not and is not going to work.

 

There will be no other letters, no emails, no notes. She knows EVERYTHING. If she hadn't already.

 

Promise # 450............

 

 

For someone who keeps saying how much they have changed, you sure seem like the same person you have always been. You are only doing this to get her back. One day you are leaving her alone for good. The next day you are writing her your feelings and telling her you are moving on. The next day you are asking her to lunch......

 

Some men need to learn the hard way. You are one of them.

You should have learned by now that chasing a woman who has another man and being on and off for you is a big NO NO...

 

Go ahead. Do what you gotta do. I guarantee you this isn't going to work either. GUARANTEED.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry Johnny but I agree with Simon Sez. You're not doing yourself any favours by pursuing her and pouring your heart out. If anything it's having the opposite effect of what you want. The longer you put off cutting off contact the longer it's going to take to get over her, and the more it's going to hurt when you finally realize she's staying with her bf.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think that you should go, but do not and i mean do not mention the relationship at all. it is in the past you want to start with a clean slate to see if you can win her back. and make the dinner pleasent but short. think of it this way if she is having a great time and you cut it short she might want to go on a second date. just try it and see how it goes. take it one date at a time, never under any circumstances bring up the bad past or pressure her about going out again. maybe she sill bring it up and never argue with her always agree if she brings up something negative about the past. then she can see you are different. Hope you get a 2 chance.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can relat to hemming and hawing about saying "this is it, this is the last time." I actually emailed my ex (weak moment) saying I was sad she hadn't responded to my apologies (for a drunken f-you email when I found out her ex proposed to her 1 week before we broke up and her not telling me and me threatening to tell him about me). I said in those apologies, "this is my last goodbye" but then I send another, though not an apology this time.

 

At some point you have to accept it is over. Keep the dinner short and fun. Then go back to NC. On the other hand, MAYBE you'll find you don't like her all that much!

 

Closure means an ending; I'm trying to get a dignified ending with my ex because both parties were responsible for the bridge being burned. I have to accept it is over. In your case, you must do the same. I'd encourage you to part on good terms with her and just feel respect for each other. Let that be your closure unless she makes a move on you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Ok everyone.. there will be NO dinner with her.

 

She called and wanted to know if there were things I really wanted to talk about or if I considered this a date. The truth was that I have said everything I wanted to say so in reality I was thinking this was a date (but I didnt say that).

 

I said, "You know how I feel about you, but since you haven't responded to any of the things I said... I think I know how you feel." Then I asked "Are you happy?"

 

She said, "Yes, and that it would be fair for you to know that after our second date, I consider him someone I could marry, we really complement each other perfectly."

 

WELL, IF THAT ISN'T CLOSURE, NOTHING IS....

 

I responded, "Wow, in that case, I don't want to be the one stading in the way of such strong emotions. I am truely, truely happy for you and that you have found something so special in your life. You deserve that happiness. I wish you all the best."

 

I'm still reeling from the fact that she first person she dates after me is HER ONE!!! It is soooo not fair, but I have no one to blame but myself :***( I let her go, this was a possible scenario, albiet nothing I could have imagined.

 

We agreed that while we shared some really great times together, it's apparent that the timing wasn't right. We may or may not ever get another chance together but it's important know for me to accept that she is happy where she is... now I have to move on to find my happiness.

 

For all of you who have followed my story over the past 6 weeks or so, I want to thank all of you for your comments and support. I hope all of you do not ever make the same mistake as me to take things for granted in your life. If you have somethings special, cherish it otherwise you will regret it when it's gone.

 

I believe that if she and I really were meant to be together then perhaps someday, there may be another chance... until then... I will persevere and move on, and take all of the improvements I've made to myself and give all of me to someone new.

 

I am a NEW man... It's time for me to go ahead and show the world.

 

Thank you,

Johnny B

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm still reeling from the fact that she first person she dates after me is HER ONE!!!

That happened to me once. The first guy one girl dated after me she ended up marrying. Of course by the time I heard that they were getting married I was long over her. You just have to move on.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just because she says he might be the one DOES NOT MEAN HE IS! My ex gf said the same thing about me, to me, after dating her ex of 5 years. She dumped me. She told me several times how she thought I was going to be the guy she would marry after dating a couple months. Clearly, I was not.

 

All she is saying is that she likes this guy and wants to see where things go. She doesn't know how to tell you that she is moving on and wants to give other people a shot over you because of the pain/lack of trust she would have with you. This is not a rejection of you as a person but of her experiences.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Johnny, it sounds like you really didn't want her, just that you didn't want her to have anyone else. Your ego was hurt, since you the big stud was replaced so fast.

 

You need to realize God didn't make women just for you. The world doesn't revolve around you and your player ways are going to make you a very lonely man later in life.

 

You remind my of a friend of mine. Heather, who is beautiful, fun-loving and a great gal. This guy she met has the ego that I have never seen before. He actually had the balls to point out women that he screwed in front of me & her. She found out 2 weeks ago he just cheated on her. Afterwards and even after I confronted him on this, he still points out women at the bar/club we goto that he's screwed.

 

Someone that has this much disrespect needs an adjustment on life. Don't turn out this way, since I can guarantee that heather will drop this guy and only then he'll realize what she really means.

 

Let this ex of yours go. She's happy and deserves to be. You need to work on yourself before you go on the prowl again. It's time to mature and stop acting like a kid. These women don't owe you anything. Maybe you got burned in the past, or maybe it's how you saw your dad treating your mom but whatever the case is, there is no reason to treat women like objects.

 

There is no guarantee in life, the next chick you meet you might treat like gold and she'll break your heart. However at least you know in your heart you gave her all you got.

 

If you still can't see yourself getting past this then maybe counseling is in order.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for the added advice everyone...

 

Jmargel - I truely believe I'm a good person. I was and never will never be anything like that person you described. My issues lie with the barriers and defenses hat I've always kept. Yes, perhaps from an old relationship and yes perhaps from my parents divorce. That, combined with my own insecurities have caused what has happend to me with this girl.

 

This is the first girl that I've ever regretted leaving, I can't decipher whether that's because of regret, remorse, hurt ego, or true love.. perhaps all of the above.

 

Over the past 4 weeks, I did everything I could to get her back, but my previous post puts finality on all this.

 

I am not going to stand in the way of her happiness. And I do believe I've truely changed as a person.. I just hope that now, being 27, it is not too late to find the girl who is meant for me and will benefit from the better man that I've become.

 

I guess everything does happen for a reason. Without this heartbreak, I never would have wanted to improve myself in this way.

 

I hope that although I tried my best to get her back, I hope our last conversation left me with some dignity and that we left on a good note wishing each other well.

I think it did just so long that I can now learn, heal and move on.

 

Johnny

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's not too late and your not a bad person. You just made bad choices in the past. One of the great things about life is that you can turn it around.

 

Whatever the cause of what you did in the past that is something you have to be consciously aware of all the time. For in the future you may say or do something without even realizing it. My recommendation if you ever get to the point of marriage with a chick to definetly just goto marriage counseling for the sake of it. I recommend that to everyone who's about to get married.

 

I'll be married 3 years in august and at 33 years old now I can tell you that marriage isn't as bad as some people claim to be. However it's not all roses either. You find yourself setting boundaries but also doing alot of compromise. It's a balancing act but when it comes down to it, with the right girl it's definetly worth it.

 

Just be sure you are cured of the 'grass is greener on the other side' syndrom before getting deeply involved with someone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Just want to vent....

 

Even after everything that went down this weekend, this girl continues to send me short emails about pointless work questions.

 

Since the Saturday conversation was my last contact with her, this would be NC day 3, BUT she feels the need to continue sending email questions. This last email was directly a question about my work plans/goals in the next few months, but seriously, what's the deal?

 

I don't think we've had more than 7 days of NC before she emails me about something stupid.

 

I think everyone on here would agree that the best thing to do is to ignore it, ESPECIALLY after the Saturday convo.

Trust me.... I'm not responding!

 

J

Link to post
Share on other sites

Actually, I feel the best thing to do in these situations is to first act assertive and say "after our conversation last week, I feel I need some space and I ask that you not contact me for a while."

 

Then, ignore subsequent messages.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I haven't thought of that... does everyone agree on this being the best coarse of action opposed to sticking with NC?

 

I feel like that type of response would show her that the conversation is still affecting me personally... I don't want to give that impression. I want her to believe that the conversation was complete closure and Im ready to move forward.

 

j

Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with oppath. There's no need to turn an amicable situation into a bad one.

 

With that said, why are you all of a sudden worrying what everyone thinks? Advice is good but do what YOU think will help YOU.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Kitten - The reason I'm on this board is to release some emotion but more importantly for good advice.

 

You must know that when everyone is going through a difficult period our decision making skills can get clouded even if the right thing to do is crystal clear to an outsider.

 

It seems that she likes to contact me either, after a deep conversation (i.e Saturday's) or about 7 days or so of NC. That's the way it's been mainly for the past 3 weeks and also past 3 months of her new relationship.

 

Just want to know if I should be forthright with telling her that I need space or just ignore everything.

 

J

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Johnny B,

 

I have been watching and reading your thread since the beginning; actually since the real "beginning."

 

I'm relieved that the dinner didn't happen. I know that your heart is in the right place in many ways, but I really felt that it was more of a date for you than you were admitting. You appeared to still be attempting to woo her. In areas of broken hearts, our minds allow us to justify what you so aptly noted as being "crystal clear" to an outsider.

 

As for NC and pointless work emails, I offer the following advice. Since you work together in some sense, you cannot use NC as it is truly intended to be used. NC means just that, no contact of any kind, and in a working atmosphere that doesn't sound do-able. Her emails may be pointless and unnecessary, but work ethic requires that they be acknowledged. Be brief and address the matter at hand without any personal touches. That's the best NC you can do in a working relationship.

 

Keep in mind that you released her, not the opposite. She has had months to move on and apparently has done that. Your relationship was pretty short, and the breakup has been twice as long as the time you spent together. She is probably ready to be friends or at least friendly. You may not be ready for that given your recent advances towards reconciliation. You do not have to rush through your own moving on process, but I think she is trying to soften the blow with the pointless communications and trying to achieve some sort of friendship status. In the long run that is probably best considering your employment situation.

 

You say that you do not want to appear vulnerable or hurt and want to appear as if you have gotten the closure you desire, but that may be difficult to do considering the lingering feelings you still have for her. I see nothing wrong with telling her that while you respect her right to be happy that it pains you a bit to know she is happy with someone else. Stating that contact needs to be minimal for awhile does not make you a sappy hanger on-er, it makes you human. She sounds like a caring person that would understand and respect that in you.

 

I do believe that everything happens for a reason, for personal growth, and this relationship seems to have opened your eyes quite a bit. Take that growth and put it to good use with the next girl and in time you will be seeing everything in a whole new light of gratitude instead of loss. You have gained something here, not just lost something.

 

Good luck to you. I will be thinking of you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...