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No Contact. The flipside. How long before someone misses you enough to make contact?


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Old 13th February 2007, 6:34 PM   #1
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No Contact. The flipside. How long before someone misses you enough to make contact?

I know that the main aim of No Contact is to help you heal, blah blah, and yeah its definately definately doing that. BUT i am interested to hear other people's opinions on the other side of the coin:

How long does it take for a dumper to miss the dumpee?

That is, when does the flipside of NC start to kick in?

When the dumper has been sort of getting an ego rub from all the attention of having the dumpee beg to have them back and then suddenly it stops and they get No Contact - how long does it take for them to go "hang on" what happened to her?

Now I know that I will get people saying "but the point of NC is for you to heal blah de blah but its valentines day so give me a break!!!!" I'm just interested in peoples stories or experiences on having someone miss you and change their mind as a result of NC. And we're talking stone cold hard rock NC where you do not bump into them anywhere or anything. NO contact.

thanks!
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Old 13th February 2007, 6:45 PM   #2
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This is just superstition of course, but I believe that dumpers have a special "radar" that tells them when you are starting to move on, because that seems like the point at which they start contacting you again. I kid you not!

If my theory is correct, your ex will contact you as soon as you have started to fall for a new guy, or when you are so wrapped up in friends/hobbies that you have stopped thinking about him all the time.
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Old 13th February 2007, 6:45 PM   #3
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I think it depends on how much begging the person did before the no contact began. I know when guys have come after me really strong it takes at least a couple of weeks for me to begin to wonder what they are up to with NC. If I contacted them and they didn't respond that would begin to make me really curious but I still wouldn't come after them because when someone begs and pleads you assume they are going to have feelings for a long time so it's hard to be in a hurry to go back.

I find it helps when I NC people to imagine them hurting really bad. I know that's not proper but it makes me feel better. I think it's more of a habit to contact than anything. I never really contacted my ex ever throughout our relationship so it's pretty easy to not contact him but the hard part for me is wanting him to write me. Whenever I think "Oh, I haven't heard from Ex, I think haha! He hasn't heard from me EITHER!" and then I feel really good. ALso, hiding your phone in the trunk of your car or something helps break the habit of always checking.
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Old 13th February 2007, 6:52 PM   #4
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There is no way to answer this....

Because I have been dumped before and not heard from the guy again in any way, shape, or form, and I have also been dumped and had the 'how are you' email or phone call a few weeks later.
It depends on if he's really regretting it and missing you or not. It could be that he broke up with you because for some time he had been not feeling 'it', in love, and in his mind he was emotionally detached from you when he broke up with you. In this case, he is totally over you and probably won't call or contact you.
Or maybe he will be wondering some day and give you a call or email...really can't say, it doesn't always happen as people on this board will say, the dumper doesn't always want you back, sometimes they don't care to have contact with you again. He might be out on the dating scene again, or even in a relationship already, in that case, he's not going to contact you.
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Old 13th February 2007, 7:04 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mishy View Post
blah blah,
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Old 13th February 2007, 7:06 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by notmakingsense View Post
This is just superstition of course, but I believe that dumpers have a special "radar" that tells them when you are starting to move on, because that seems like the point at which they start contacting you again. I kid you not!

If my theory is correct, your ex will contact you as soon as you have started to fall for a new guy, or when you are so wrapped up in friends/hobbies that you have stopped thinking about him all the time.

Yes I certainly hope his radar is tuned in. I have got a lot more involved in other things since it ended. I haven't contacted him for 3 weeks.

Thing is, I have absolutely NO contact with him. i will not bump into him anywhere. it would be extremely unlikely. I have also gone no contact (for now at least) with two people that would be likely to pass on info about me.(thats also so i didn't keep hearing little tidbit stories about him)

I met up with one of these friends shortly after i was dumped and was told some trivia about what he was doing and it set me waaay back. So i've gone nc with these two other people for my own sake ( for now, and i;m sure they realise what i'm doing and i know they will understand) I wanted real no contact. So, really for all he knows I could have moved to mars (actually I thought about it). He has no idea whether I am seeing anyone, where I'm working, how I'm feeling, ANYTHING.

The break up was really fuelled along more intensely because of how much i was trying to save it - like the more attention i gave , the more he retreated.

At our last talk 3 weeks ago he didn't think we should be in contact; said he missed me, said he cared about me and always will.

Anyone else got any stories on how long it takes for them to REALLY miss you????
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Old 13th February 2007, 7:06 PM   #7
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I think cold hard unadulterated NC doesn't make them miss you.. it makes you move on to something better
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Old 13th February 2007, 7:30 PM   #8
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You really do have to live each day as if they aren't ever coming back.
At some point, whether or not he's thinking of you just won't concern you anymore.

I've had ex's contact me after a period of no contact, and I've walked away from others and never spoken to them again. It all depends on the person and the circumstances.

If you've had any real kind of connection, it's inevitable that you'll still think of one another- even miss one another... but that may not be enough to inspire contact if it's truly over in their mind.

My recent ex walked away and didn't speak to me for 4 months- we had a brief meeting after four months- and that was two months ago... and we haven't spoken since then. I'm only now at the point where I don't feel the need to reach out to him, nor do I spend a lot of time or energy wondering if he's coming back. It took me a great deal of time and sorting to come to this point.

The longer you go without contact- the easier it gets and the less you'll wonder about what he is thinking. Honestly- the reason I've been able to maintain no contact is because I feared knowing if he was dating or pursuing someone else... I just don't want to know those details- so that is what has stopped me from calling.

Put some of the energy you're spending thinking of him into getting over the relationship.... focus on you and your own happiness.
If that contact never comes- you won't be let down if you don't have expectations.
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Old 16th February 2007, 1:31 AM   #9
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May I say not all dumpers get an ego rub. Sometimes you feel your hand is forced. Dumpers can feel more regret and pain then the dumpee. The problems and failure to address the problems should be villianized not the roles that people on the day one decides to leave. If its bad enough...the dumper misses the dumpee long before the breakup happens....
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Old 16th February 2007, 1:38 AM   #10
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Dumpers can feel more regret and pain then the dumpee.
Sometimes neither the dumpee or the dumper miss each other and they move on..

Of all of my ex's I have had, there is only one that turned me inside out.. All the rest I just moved on after the breakup.
Those were comprised of me being the dumpee and the dumper.

I don't think we know which relationship is going to rip us up and make it difficult to move on.. We don't get to pick the who,what,when..
It just happens..

With me.. I was head over heels in love with her and I had a good bit of loss in my life in the previous year.. ( My Step Mom, 16 year old Dog, Grandma ) I think the loss of her was just too much and I wanted to hold onto something that I cared about instead of letting it go.

I was wrong to do that and only now can I see that.. I'm sure she is living a happy life somewhere today and I'm glad I am as well...
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Old 16th February 2007, 2:03 AM   #11
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you never know how long it will take.some very soon some never.first time to my girl took about 2-3 weeks,now from mid december and still nothing.
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Old 16th February 2007, 3:06 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mishy View Post
I know that the main aim of No Contact is to help you heal, blah blah, and yeah its definately definately doing that. BUT i am interested to hear other people's opinions on the other side of the coin:

How long does it take for a dumper to miss the dumpee?

That is, when does the flipside of NC start to kick in?

When the dumper has been sort of getting an ego rub from all the attention of having the dumpee beg to have them back and then suddenly it stops and they get No Contact - how long does it take for them to go "hang on" what happened to her?

Now I know that I will get people saying "but the point of NC is for you to heal blah de blah but its valentines day so give me a break!!!!" I'm just interested in peoples stories or experiences on having someone miss you and change their mind as a result of NC. And we're talking stone cold hard rock NC where you do not bump into them anywhere or anything. NO contact.

thanks!
Right about the time you start really falling for someone else, your ex *may* contact you.

However, the time range is usually tomorrow to never.

In other words, the less time you spend thinking about it, the better off you will be in the long run.
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Old 16th February 2007, 7:32 AM   #13
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There are so many variables I’m not sure how one could possibly answer the question. For me I can at least share three categories of NC that I have experienced.

1. As a dumpee who asked for NC in one relationship split, I battled the urge to call during the first week and it was definitely a fight within one’s self. As each day after that first week past it simply took will power and discipline to maintain the NC. As time went by this battle within subsided and there was no longer an urge to pick up the phone, write an email, IM, etc.

2. However, as the dumper I have two perspectives from my experiences. When truly mis-matched (in my opinion of course) and perhaps the relationship was short in duration, I would impose my own NC whether the other person did or not or wanted it or not, and never had any thoughts of breaking it. Any contact by the other person was not responded to.

3. If being the dumper and forcing NC after a LT relationship split, my phases seem to cover:
- The first week of NC brings about much thought and perhaps doubt about the actions or reasons for splitting. The sense to call and talk things out “one more time” is heightened.

- Once past that first week the next two weeks are routine and NC becomes normal.

- At three weeks of NC there is a strong urge to break the silence as if enough time has really gone by and perhaps now is a good time to check-in on the other person. Sometimes you wonder how the dumpee is coping or if they are already dating (read: jealousy), etc.

- At four weeks its decision time: do I stay with NC or follow my urge described in week three.

- After one month and assuming the decision was to remain in NC, it becomes my willpower over all urges and thoughts…the rest as many have posted is then dependent on time. And as time flutters by, less and less time is spent worrying or wondering about the dumpee. Only once did I have such an incredible change of heart about the split did I break NC and interestingly enough, it occurred at near the three month mark. But this one time occurrence was definitely driven by change of heart as the dumper.

I suppose what I am saying is if me as the dumper is having any concerns or other thoughts there is a probability of contact within the first month of NC, after that they have or are likely committed to maintaining NC in favor of the split. Again, these are my experiences and certainly not the basis for anyone else’s behaviors.
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Old 16th February 2007, 7:36 AM   #14
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p.s. If I initiated the breakup and the dumpee breaks NC and progressively continues to communicate, I seem to accelerate the phases past the one-month decision point much quicker. In other words, beggars or pleaders are not attractive. The good ol' "push and pull" theory at work!
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Old 16th February 2007, 8:37 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by Art_Critic View Post
With me.. I was head over heels in love with her and I had a good bit of loss in my life in the previous year.. ( My Step Mom, 16 year old Dog, Grandma ) I think the loss of her was just too much and I wanted to hold onto something that I cared about instead of letting it go.
Thanks Art, that helps me understand my situation a lot better. I think I did the very same thing under similar circumstances. I could never understand why she became so significant to me until now.
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