Dreading Inevitable Awkward Meeting

[Ruinous79]

Sorry if this is long.....Ok...where shall I begin? I met Mr. Wrong in November 2004 and we moved WAY too fast and moved in together after only a month. I have two children and have already been through some garbage with crappy men before this and this guy had about one thousand red flags from the word go. (sexual dysfunction, what turned out to be a bad, secret drinking problem, controlling and intrusive mommy issues, and no job) But of course, he was a challenge and I wanted to save him from himself. Go ahead and say it....I was stupid. Women with children should be more careful about whom they let into their lives. I guess I thought this guy wasn't your average loser since he came from a well-to-do family and had graduated from college. Well, my presence in his life did at least seem to help with two of the problems....the drinking (temporarily) and he became employed again almost immediately.

The sex issue never did get solved and it became what was to be the most humiliating, frustrating issue I've ever dealt with in a relationship. I took it personally and let it shatter my self esteem and sexuality. I am a fairly attractive gal with a nice, slim body and had never had troubles in that venue prior to this guy. So, I was even more dismayed to find that this guy's true love was pornography...particularly the Asian variety and anything to do with "facials" (gag!) I become embroiled in a dysfunctional dance where I couldn't just walk away because he had some strange hold over my psyche. Then finally he was done with me. I knew it deep down, though I made excuses for him since he claimed to still "love me". It seemed to be the moment his feet were back on the ground (about 6 months into our relationship) though we let it drag on for a few months after. I finally moved out in October of 2005.

Here's the rub: suddenly he wanted to have sex with me ALL THE TIME. It was the most surreal thing I've ever experienced. Once he was no longer emotionally attached to me, he was very much interested in my physically. So, like an ass I let him in and out of my bed for a few more months- I guess in my mind I was trying to prove to myself I was still desirable and this would make up the months of rejection. Also I was still desperately in love with this a**hole. He jerked me around, telling me he loved me one minute, telling me he didn't want to be with a woman with kids and "baggage" the next. He was also drinking heavily again. Finally in January of 2006 I moved away and told him to leave me alone. Within one month, I heard that he'd found a mail order bride from the Phillippines. Wonderful. He's now married and I'm back with an ex (my children's father)and still very much emotionally damaged and mentally scarred. I still have ZERO sexual drive, no self confidence and have no desire to be affectionate. And I freakin HATE men. (yeah, I know...my poor hubby) I made the mistake of going back to him for the comfort level and for the kids and it was a bad choice but I'm trying to figure that out. (that's a whole different thread I think)

Ok...so the question...or problem I have is....I'm going to be a bridesmaid in a wedding in two weeks and this ex of mine is going to be a groomsmen in the same wedding (our mutual friends asked us to do this while we were still seeing each other) I am VERY anxiety ridden to say the least. I am still so angry and insecure....I don't know how to feel about seeing him. I am sure I'm "over" him in the sense I don't care for him any more (at least I'm pretty sure I am) but I'm definitely not emotionally "better". Any suggestions on how to approach this?

[Buttaflyy]

Wow! I see why this thread was so long...I'm going to try and stick with the question at hand, but I've gotta tell you that you have to get to the root of all of this at some point and it has to do with your choices in men. Don't let it get you down though, we all make bad choices at some point in out lives. Only some of us correct them though.

 

Anyways, back to your question...Are you asking if you should attend the wedding or not? It's such short notice so it'll probably be really heard to drop out of it at this point (I think you said a couple weeks? If not, the couple would have to get a replacement). I think I'd have to be strong and get through it, with minimal contact as possible with this ex. Will your husband be there?

[In Sync]

Don't condemn yourself because no one here on this thread or on this planet is squeaky clean...we've got our dirty secrets and laundry.

 

 

As for this wedding...obviously if you are a friend of the bride and groom you cannot just say no to the occassion of being a bridesmaid. Since you can't avoid this Don't engage in an needless interaction with this man. This is your friend's wedding so it's her day. If encountering him is going to upset you and then bring the attention or bad osphere around to you...avoid that.

 

 

Mingle and keep your distance from him. Otherwise your only choice is not to be a bridesmaid. If you are that traumatized by him then apologize and don't do it...but don't spoil the day for you friend.

 

The past is the past don't allow it to rule your future. Stop looking back.

[serial muse]

Since you can't avoid this Don't engage in an needless interaction with this man. This is your friend's wedding so it's her day. If encountering him is going to upset you and then bring the attention or bad osphere around to you...avoid that.

 

Mingle and keep your distance from him. Otherwise your only choice is not to be a bridesmaid. If you are that traumatized by him then apologize and don't do it...but don't spoil the day for you friend.

 

The past is the past don't allow it to rule your future. Stop looking back.

 

this is great advice from In Sync. the key will be to focus your attention on the bride (you're her "attendant", after all) and remember that that's why you're there. and avoid unnecessary interaction with this man. there's no reason you should have to communicate with him, beyond a basic, blandly polite hello. and then move on.

[KittenMoon]

I attended a wedding with my ex about 3 months after our breakup. It was actually the last time I saw him. Though it sounds like we were on much better terms and were able to interact just fine, the thing I found was that a wedding is filled with so many people, there's little difficulty in avoiding spending time around one. Just take it easy and don't get too anxious about it. Good luck.

 

P.S. Make sure to look beautiful- just to rub it in a bit!

[Ruinous79]

Are you asking if you should attend the wedding or not?

 

No....I know it's too late to drop out at this point. I guess I just have the last minute heebie jeebies about seeing this jerk again after 8 months of "nc". I know I'll make it through and I absolutely know that this is my good friend's day and that's the reason I'm going to stand up with her in spite of ol whatshisname. I'm just afraid to revisit the land of humiliation and rejection when I've finally gotten so far away from all of that.

 

Will your husband be there?

 

No, he doesn't want anything to do with the occasion. He knows how unhappy this guy made me and aside from the normal male jealousy, he'd like to kick his a** for getting physically violent with me a time or two while drunk. So he doesn't want to ruin my friend's day by causing a scene. I'd like to point out, my husband has had his problems in the past so he's far from perfect too but he is a wonderful father and a genuinely good person. I don't feel that he's particularly bad for me....I just don't feel I was ready to jump back into a relationship so soon after that train wreck.

 

So, I will definitely take you folks' advisement to heart. Minimal contact, avoidance, and phony politeness. Sounds good to me. Anyone have any good "ran into my ex" stories they want to share so I won't feel so darn alone?

[Buttaflyy]

I think you'll be fine. Not just with the wedding, but in moving foward. No one is perfect, not just your hubby but no one at all.

 

Take a look back at KittenMoon's post. She has a similar story... Find motivation in that.

[Ruinous79]

Make sure to look beautiful- just to rub it in a bit!

 

Oh, that's a given.

[BBetsy]

This past May, my daughter's father came to Arkansas from Florida for her high school graduation. I left Florida when she was 3 years old and moved home to Arkansas, and here's the thing - he and I have never even talked since, much less seen each other. He just flaked out and although his family stayed in touch with my daughter, he did not. They would fly her down for summer visits and she would spend time with him then, but he never called our house or came here to see her.

 

SO, after 15 years I was really uncomfortable about having to see him again! I mean, how WEIRD is that??!! He just got remarried and his wife was coming with him (in fact, she's the reason they were even coming to the graduation - she made him!)

 

Anyway, long story short, the DREADING it was ten thousand times worse than seeing him again. Actually, that part was.... No Big Deal. It was fine. We just acted like nothing ever happened. I mean, we didn't chit chat like old long lost best friends or anything, but it was fine.

 

So, after 8 months it will be a little weird and everyone else is right, just do your thing and have a good time, and when you have to (and you will) just say "hello" and move on. But my point is that it won't be nearly as bad as you're dreading it will be....