Guest Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 I doubt this is the right place to get my question answered, but I'll try. If not, maybe someone can point me to the right place. I would like opinions on whether a woman I started to get involved with may be a sociopath. Her personality is unlike that of anyone I've gotten close to in my life, and ultimately that is why it did not work out between us. She is: - Very intelligent and articulate - Says herself that she does not know how to take an emotional/empathic approach to others, and determines her actions with them entirely rationally - Is very charismatic and men are easily attracted to her - Flirts mercilessly - Has a history of hurting others that get close to her without realizing it - Easily says that she loves/cares for a new person - Claims not to care what others think of her - Typically makes friends only to get bored of them quickly and move on - Has never been in love in a way that made her irrational/jealous - Said things that were callous without realizing it, and would not apologize after they were pointed out to her - Was bothered by my need to hear expressions of love and affection from her - Has a very high sex drive - Is aroused by extreme sexual acts especially those involving pain or those that involve a degree of risk (outdoors, public places, etc.) - Was insistent that our relationship be on her terms, never willing to give in that regard - Ended the relationship simply by saying she no longer wanted it and ceasing all communication with me I didn't really see all of these things together while I was involved with her, but now that I look back I wonder if she has serious issues and perhaps I was better off with it ending rather quickly. Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 hmm.. you're not in Wyoming are you? (thinking of my ex) To answer your question.. it does sound a bit sociopathic. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 ....actually sounds more like "Borderline personality disorder" look it up... Link to post Share on other sites
Stardust06 Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 She sounds not only like a sociopath but a narcissist and a possible Dominatrix! Yikes! Link to post Share on other sites
bchlvr Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 Whether or not she can be labeled sociopathic, narcissistic, or any other personality disorder is the work of an expert, but I can only imagine how much pain and confusion you have experienced. You have a lot of company here on this site. Under "search" plug in "narcissistic" or "commitment phobic." There are several good threads by people talking about being with someone just as you've described. I would also suggest doing a search on the internet for "narcissism and relationships." You will find articles by Sam Varnkin.(sp?) You might find the patterns described very validating. And if you can, run, don't walk to your nearest library to get "Help, I'm In Love With A Narcissist," by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. The name is cheesy but the content is excellent. Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 If it walks like a duck looks like a duck, than its a duck. You don't have to generalize what kind of person she is all you know is what she is showing are signs of someone who will only hurt you in the end. Bad Idea get out while you still can Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 ....actually sounds more like "Borderline personality disorder" look it up... No, I was burned by a BPD. They are far from cold like the OP's ex gf sounds like. They are cold at the center, but hot to the touch, like a piece of steak you throw on the burner at high. She always was clingy and needed reinforcement that she was loved. Then, like a vampire she would move on and suck the love from somebody else. The OP's ex sounds more narcissistic. I've just learned to differentiate the two myself. Sociopath might be a little strong though. OP, this woman is heartless. I don't know that she has a mental illness, she just sounds incredibly self-absorbed. I know that makes her a challenge and I think guys can be as vunerable to cold and challenging women as the girls are to emotionally distant men, but try and put it behind you and move on. Cliche yes, but she will never love you so why beat yourself up over her. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 What is the point of soliciting a diagnosis from strangers on the net except to cherry pick answers you like so you can confirm what you want to believe? She's the wrong person for you and you are the wrong person for her. Let it go, move on and live. Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 Well its not that people really want to believe their sociopathic, they just want to know what their dealing with. I guess people should really use the word Personality disorder more than sociopathic. But being sociopathic doesn't just meen your a serial killer. I dealt with A REALLY big borderline personality disorder guy.. And everything he did was unpredictable, he would be all nice than snap and shift gears to this mean ugly person who broke all my crap burned it and there is alot more to what he did. You can easily tell when someone is mysteriously emotionally unavailable...you just sense it you feel it in your gut. Let me tell you these people will burn you leaving you so confused in the end...I think everyone will encounter a person who has problems once in their life or even twice. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 And everything he did was unpredictable, he would be all nice than snap and shift gears You can easily tell when someone is mysteriously emotionally unavailable.../quote] I know what you mean. And it would happen within the space of a day, sometimes within hours with no provocation whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 It's weird looking back on my past which was only a year ago. To only be shocked to know I went through that, and I got out of it alive. I wish some people could see what happened in my relationship. twilight zone feeling. The whole demeaner of my ex was very suspicious. He was universally known for being a complete jerk. I new that too but I got involved in it and saw the other side to his jerky side, his crazy side. I have bizzare stories to tell about my ex and honestly even if I am talking about him, who woudlen't when you go out with someone so crazy? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 Thanks to everyone for their responses. The point is well taken that I shouldn't be so concerned with what is wrong with her, and should just be glad to have found out about her issues early. I guess rather than trying to determine whether she's sociopathic or not, what I really wanted to know is whether I had run up against a normal woman who happens to be aggresive, confident, rational and sexual OR a woman with a personality disorder. If I'm honest, I guess the reason is that if it were the latter, it would make me feel better about the fact that I couldn't make it work. That there isn't something wrong with ME. No matter, although there was great passion between us, ultimately we were like oil and water. Now I can finally understand from experience the phrase "opposites attract"! Link to post Share on other sites
Teacher's Pet Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 Oh my God. That is my ex, EXACTLY. Seriously, I'm in awe. Point for point, that's my B. Except for the "extreme sexual acts", THAT'S the girl who broke my heart after 6 months. Cold, unfeeling, didn't even care that she hurt me in the end. Now I REALLY have a lot to think about. -tp Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 She either is a complete sociopath, has a tendency to be or she is just a temporary sociopath. Temporary meaning that she is currently under stress or some type of influence (eg. rebound, or even illict drug) and acts like a sociopath. The other possibility is that she is older than you and much more experienced in dating so you dont see through her tricks and charms. Whatever it is, lucky that you have a label for her early, else you would have felt hurt and blame yourself. I have a sociopath boyfriend in my life before, and I was stupid to string along with it. Dont be as stupid as me, it is not worth your mental (and physical) health. Link to post Share on other sites
Stardust06 Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 Craig couldn't have said it any better! Stop trying to analyze it fifty million different ways and get rid of the toxic cloud! Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 My vote: She's a Narcissist. My suggestion: Get the hell away from her before she sucks you in and spits you out! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 Thanks again to everyone for their resposnes. As I gain a little more distance from her, I feel as if a weight has been lifted. The burden of trying to figure out how to make it work with her is gone, now that I realize I could never have made it work. I never thought I would come across someone like this in my life. I suppose I should be glad for the learning experience. :-) OP Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 Yes and the more you anaylyze your situation with her, the more you will come up with good ways to turn that girl in to a " good person " . Thats what I did lol Link to post Share on other sites
bchlvr Posted September 11, 2006 Share Posted September 11, 2006 Since we are on the topic of being in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits...... Did any of you have an ex who talked about themselves constantly or were self referential? Everything has to do with them; they divert the focus of conversation to their own experience. Sometimes will not let the other person get a word in edgewise? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted September 11, 2006 Share Posted September 11, 2006 Hey if it makes you feel better to lable your ex as psychotic or whatever, that's cool. But don't make the mistake of thinking that you can actually diagnose anyone with a serious personality disorder, with a list of characteristics and an incomplete understanding of the individual in question, a lack of training, and a lot of personal bias added into the mix as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 11, 2006 Share Posted September 11, 2006 Hey if it makes you feel better to lable your ex as psychotic or whatever, that's cool. But don't make the mistake of thinking that you can actually diagnose anyone with a serious personality disorder, with a list of characteristics and an incomplete understanding of the individual in question, a lack of training, and a lot of personal bias added into the mix as well. Yes. As I've already said, I realize that what I actually wanted was not to diagnose her, but to see if others thought this was indeed a hopeless situation, as I had come to believe. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 11, 2006 Share Posted September 11, 2006 Hi, it's the OP again. Over the weekend, she and I exchanged a few emails. She was sending me some information about tantric sex, saying that I might find interesting, but also that she had hoped we could have done something like this. (I told you she's very sexual.) I miss her, so I said I hoped we could talk as friends. She responded that she did not want me as "just a friend", that she wanted me -period-. And that the me she wants is the one "from before", meaning before we came in conflict about where our relationship was going. I read this as saying that she has not changed her desire to have a relationship on her terms. That she isn't looking for a middle ground, or a way to ease back into things. I hear no compromise there. But maybe I'm wrong. It's so tempting for me to give it another go. But I expect our personalities will simply clash again and we will end up in the same place. For now, I'm holding the line...but it's not easy. Link to post Share on other sites
bchlvr Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 Based on how you've described her before, I think she's using the topic of tantric sex to create intrigue. "Hey OP.....I've got something for you....... She may very well miss you and and long for what you had together. But is she also appealing to your need for mutuality and true intimacy? She seems to be appealing to your past sexual connection and the alluring possibilities for the future as a means to entice you and hook you in. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 I doubt this is the right place to get my question answered, but I'll try. If not, maybe someone can point me to the right place. I would like opinions on whether a woman I started to get involved with may be a sociopath. Her personality is unlike that of anyone I've gotten close to in my life, and ultimately that is why it did not work out between us. She is: - Very intelligent and articulate - Says herself that she does not know how to take an emotional/empathic approach to others, and determines her actions with them entirely rationally - Is very charismatic and men are easily attracted to her - Flirts mercilessly - Has a history of hurting others that get close to her without realizing it - Easily says that she loves/cares for a new person - Claims not to care what others think of her - Typically makes friends only to get bored of them quickly and move on - Has never been in love in a way that made her irrational/jealous - Said things that were callous without realizing it, and would not apologize after they were pointed out to her - Was bothered by my need to hear expressions of love and affection from her - Has a very high sex drive - Is aroused by extreme sexual acts especially those involving pain or those that involve a degree of risk (outdoors, public places, etc.) - Was insistent that our relationship be on her terms, never willing to give in that regard - Ended the relationship simply by saying she no longer wanted it and ceasing all communication with me I didn't really see all of these things together while I was involved with her, but now that I look back I wonder if she has serious issues and perhaps I was better off with it ending rather quickly. Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. No I don't think that's sociopathic. Or any kind of "personality disorder". Also a lot of your descriptions are biased rather than neutral. For example: "Has a history of hurting others that get close to her without realizing it" Maybe what she said was only "hurtful" to someone who is ridiculously oversensitive? "Said things that were callous without realizing it, and would not apologize after they were pointed out to her" Again, maybe she wasn't callous, only honest. Why apologise for telling the truth? It's not her fault if someone else is a thin-skinned crybaby who gets upset at the slightest thing. "Was bothered by my need to hear expressions of love and affection from her" Many people find neediness and insecurity to be a bit annoying. "Was insistent that our relationship be on her terms, never willing to give in that regard" Sounds like she wanted a relationship that satisfied her - what's wrong with that? Why should she chang just to suit your selfish desires? "Ended the relationship simply by saying she no longer wanted it and ceasing all communication with me" Sounds like an honest and sensible woman. Most people cheat or drag things on through months of bickering and unhappiness, and then bug you way after things have finished, asking for "second chances" or just generally making it hard to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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