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The saddest story i ever heard....


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hey its a long story but a stupid and tragic one, about mistakes and communication breakdowns.

 

please bear with me... this hurts me everyday... and i have never even heard of this crap happening to anybody before. if anybody has any thoughts on this please share. x

 

 

three years ago my partner left to go abroad to work. He had a job he loved where he had good friends, but we started a relationship in the workplace (he was senior to me) so he sacrificed his job, felt it better if he got another and we continued with our wonderful relationship. the job he moved to he hated so much and was overworked and stressed. he could hardly go in some mornings and he was in debt and this high paid job abroad seemed the answer. i'd always expected that he'd live abroad one day, but i never imagined it would be so soon. he applied for a job on a whim, and i knew it was unlikely hed get it- but he did- then he expected me to want to go, as he said it was only for a year, as though it was the answer to all our problems, but i was 21 and horrified that he would think i actually would move away from my family.

 

i was heartbroken at his going but tried to let him go, as it was what he wanted. I was so angry that i didn't even want to hear anything about the move and so embarrassed and hurt about it, i only told one or two close friends that he was going. pert of me blamed myself, because it was our relationship that made him feel it would be better to work elsewhere. i think looking back, i knew inside, he had betrayed me in going, because he hadn't discussed this with me properly and was being impulsive again.

 

when he came back to visit me, four months later i felt like i didnt know who he was anymore, conversation was awkward, and he was talking about his new house and new job, new clothes and i had got a new job, moved too, joined a band, made new friends. i was upset, and seeing him again was traumatic. he was acting like he could pick off where we left off but the separation was too painful and i was aloof. i had been so close to him, so close that we wrote letters and called every few hours. now i didn't know where he lived, where he worked, who he was even talking about in conversation. he retured to kiev and i felt utterly alone. phonecalls were strained and i said little on the phone to him, because i was so upset. i felt hed cut me out of his life in going. he made no allusions to any date when he was coming back, and i gradually began to accept he had gone. i was alone and when i met another man, i thought it best to try and get on with things.

 

we kept in contact but i could see him growing more and more distant. i tried to get on with things, and make a go of a new relationship, but i never ever forgot him. i carried on loving him for three years, crying for him secretely and at the detriment of other relationships. i'd had three relationships since and nothing came close to the way i loved him. i decided i would do anything to get him back. I spoke to friends at length about this and they agreed if everything i said about our bond was true- he'd still have feelings for me too. I knew, that if i was thinking about him, he was thinking about me. so i wrote to him telling him i still loved him and i wanted him to come back. the letter never reached him.

 

i found out why- he'd moved to berlin and not mentioned it. This was totally out of character for him not to mention it. when i asked him why, he said i never asked, he said his job was a problem and he was better off in germany. i told him i was going to university and he was pleased as that was what hed wanted for me and he said if i was ever short of money, he'd be able to send a bit to me if i was struggling and remember he would always help me out if i needed it. he said one or two other things about our time together that made me think he was thinking about me too. i asked him casually to pop back for christmas, but he said that there wasnt much for him in the uk anymore so he wouldn't be back this year.

 

then i did it. i told him i still loved him, how much i missed him and how i needed him again and how nothing i had ever known had come close to what we had and i told him i was devastated at his going.

 

he replied saying hed never forgotten me and that what had happened between us and the last time he saw me was the most painful day of his life perhaps because he felt that there was nothing left and i was getting on with my life and didn't want him anymore. so he thought he had no other choice but to get on with it.

 

he said he realised quite clearly about a month before my confession that he had the same feelings for me and thought about me a lot. i had always been a reason for him to live and he felt that the last time he saw me, i was distant and i was trying to tell him that he was not welcome anymore, and i made an allusion to another possible relationship in an email shortly after his visit and he felt deeply hurt.

 

he said he had never realised that i felt like this still too and he said his feelings were strong, strong as ever and he said he thought hed always feel the same, but- was in a relationship that could not be broken off. he had a partner and it was impossible to just leave her as he had dragged her to berlin for his new job and she was dependent on her, but he had made her life a misery recently by being moody and bitter and picking up on all her failings as he had sensed from the tone of my emails two weeks before that i wanted to see him again and we realised we had made a mess of it by not communicating our feelings.

 

i replied begging him to reconsider, i said how can you feel like this about another woman and live with her, please leave. and i was confident that if he felt this way he'd leave her and come back to me.

 

he replied saying that it was worse than that. he was MARRIED to this ukrainian woman- and they had a year old son together. he says how can i leave my son. He said our relationship would be founded on an act of wickedness.

 

i felt like i'd been shot through the heart. i stood and screamed and screamed. i never ever thought this could have happened in the two years since i'd last seen him. how could it happen so quickly?? it was totally out of character and i couldn't believe the deception. i replied telling him i was devastated and everything i ever wanted could not happen now. he replied saying he was not doing any better and that he would call me. we emailed throughout the day and he told me he would call after work.

 

he called me behind this woman's back from berlin. it was like we'd never been away. he kept saying why didnt you tell me, i thought you didnt want me anymore when you saw me. i said how could i ? you left me. i thought you didnt want to be with me anymore. he said no, not at all, you were the only good in my life. i said how could you have married and had a child? he said he didnt know how it had happened, it happened quickly it was all unplanned, he had no idea how it had all happened himself. i kept saying how could you? he said i hadn't wanted to talk to him when he called. i said yes because i was devastated youd left, i darent talk to you because i'd end up screaming and crying down the phone. i said i thought i just best let you go, not make it worse by forcing him to come back here, i said i never ever wanted to stop him from doing what he wanted. he said i thought that about you. he kept asking me why i never said anything to him before, i said i thought it was too late, but i couldnt take it anymore.

 

he said what can i do? i cant leave my son. i said i had no idea this had happened. he said he felt he was going under with all this emotion, he said he could hardly face his wife and child, he said he had no friends out there, nobody to talk to, he couldnt talk to his wife, he kept asking me what the hell can i do? i kept saying "a child? how could you? how did this happen?" he said i thought you didnt want me! we both ended up crying on the phone, in despair at the situation. he asked if i wanted to see him, he said he wanted to see me. he said hed try and think about what to do. he said he didnt trust himself not to be able to say anything to her, he said she has always accused him of having feelings for me ( i don't know how she knows who i am) and is jealous of me. i told him my partners too had accused me of having feelings for him. he was crying and told me he didnt know what to do. i was crying too. he told me hed call again tomorrow.

 

the next day i recieved a terse email saying that phoning was a mistake. it was too distressing, too painful, and we both have to accept that things have changed. he said when we spoke it was like time had never passed- but it had- he has a son. he said he cant leave the family for me, if he did hed be guilt ridden and hell to live with, he says hes lived with her for two years and how can he not love the mother of his child? he cant just leave them. he said we need to accept this, not talk about it, and move on. it was the only way. we couldnt make it even worse.

he said if you want whats best for me, its best for both of us to just forget this and get on with our lives, because we cant ruin other peoples lives. i basically agreed with him, that the more i spoke to him the worse i felt. then he mailed back saying he wished hed been able to talk to me about this earlier and accused me of thinking that hed be the same man.( and why wouldnt i ?)

 

i said its a tragic situation and that yes, phoning and meeting is too painful. i said i will always be his friend still he said that he didnt want to stop talking to me ever, but we couldnt keep saying how we felt as it was ruining our lives and that i had so much to give the world and i should try and forget this.

we had to reduce the frequency of our emails too and forget we ever said this. i told him i wished he'd never told me how he felt. he said maybe i was right. He emailed me asking if i was okay, i said yeah, he was telling me about his son and me making sure, after everything wed said that he was ok and not upset. he said his gran had died recently and we started talking but it got too emotional too quickly with him telling me he felt so inadequate sometimes and me saying no you aren't, you've always been like this.....then we were back to emotional conversation again, so we made our excuses and left the conversation.

 

this was in january, two days after all the distress. we have had no contact since. I don't know what to say to him, nor he to me. there doesnt seem to be an easy way to go back to just chat, after what has been said. but if nothing else, i still want to have contact with him as i care so much for him.

 

i can't get over this though.how can i "forget" one of the most hurtful experiences of my life? i know how i feel and he knows he feels the same. i know he feels guilt ridden and in despair. i know hes unhappy and living in a sham marriage, hes lost all his friends, been pressured into marriage. i know his views on marriage and i would never have pressured him into it because i respected his views- so how has this happened?

 

i know hes feeling desperate and torn apart and going through agony. hes somebody who will do what he thinks is the right thing at the cost of himself, hes the greatest man i ever knew and so principled and i know he won't compromise that. but what can he do? he doesnt want to let me down or his wife and family. and i know i'm the one in the stronger position, i've managed without him for two years- his family can't.

 

but i know hes torn by his feelings for me and i think hes suffering because of it, because he's the kind of guy who blames himself. i cant help but think this woman has trapped him into pregnancy for passport reasons. it seems suspiciously quick. i know this man to the bottom of his heart. i know everything about him, much more than she does; i'm sure i do.

 

i know his deepest secrets all the things that have happened to him, all his ideals. but he didn't tell me he was married with a son. how could he?

 

i can't help feeling that his life has been ruined by this now, and i know he still wants to be with me, but he can't. so we both have to forget about it. but i just can't. i think about him every day. i get emotional when i have to talk about it to anybody. i can't believe this has happened. i don't think i will ever accept it, i'm so so hurt by it all and angry at the both of us for being so stupid and not talking about this two years ago.

 

the worst thing is, that she has taken what should be mine. i wanted to give him his first child, and marry him, and i wanted to make him happy and i know he wanted to make me happy, but the irony is that we have caused misery for each other.

 

plus,if he leaves, i never wanted this for myself, to be 24 with ex-wife hanging about and a child from a previous marriage and him with the responsibility this entails. thats the best he can ever give me, if at all.

 

my mum was shocked when i told her what had happened firstly because of how out of character it was for him of all people, to do something as silly and ill thought out as get married and father a child in the space of 18 months, and also accused us of ruining a load of lives with this stupid distressing conversation and phonecalls.

 

the worst thing is, she has all the rights to him, not me. if he were to die, god forbid, hes instructed me about everything he wants, even like where he wants me to scatter his ashes. but what frightens me now is, if anything happens to him, i wouldn't know. who would tell me? nobody in his life now knows my bloody contact details, you know just stuff like that. i know all his fears all his insecurities. i know him. he should be my husband not hers.

 

i kind of believe the marriage will dissolve. i think that the conversations that we have had behind his family's back are already an act of deception and i know this will eat away at him. the worst thing is, that i know he will feel terrible about it. i also will feel like an email i sent is the cause of this, but despite everything he is my soulmate and i his, and i need to be with him, and i want him back with me and i just want to sit down with him and just tak and talk like we used to, but then part of me knows we can never make anything better.

 

i cant get over this, i have spent days crying and angry and resentful and in utter pain full of regrets and concern and heavy hearted. i'm crying too because i know that the man who is everything to me, is hurting, and i want to see hes ok. whatever happens, i'm not sure what to think. i dont think this marriage will last. i cant move on because i know he still loves me and something in my head keeps saying one day he may return. but i'm not sure i could cope with it. she obviously already resents me. i cant get over the fact that she has had his baby. i have been robbed of everything. i want to tell him i'll always be here, but i dont want to pressure him. hes obviously in huge denial. i think he does love her, but not like he loves me. it was a very singular love and we idolised each other.

 

how can he say he still feels as strongly as ever, when i know the way he used to feel about me? i have about 900 pages of letters saying it, written at intervals during the day....i can't believe he said that. that was enough. if he leaves the child, she will remain abroad, shes already in a foreign country, and he says he cant desert them there, which is of course right. if he deserted them, he wouldn't be the man i loved, but he is deserted there too and my instinct is to protect him, as in seven years i hadnt heard him so upset. i cant believe, he of all people, has got himself in this mess. its so unlike him, everybody i know has been stunned by it. but he is still everything to me. i've loved him since i was 16.

 

what on earth can i do? i cant let this go, because i know we both feel the same, and i don't want to compromise our happiness, but i know i need to have no part in any breakdown of his marriage, because i don't want anybody, not his ex, not him, not his son, to be able to see me as the other woman, or the home wrecker. but i'm not. i know i'm the person he should be with. the worst of it is, he knows it too.

 

So i have no closure on any situation. it's just a mess. he's stupid to say "we should just forget it now". As though you can.

 

it would have been easier if he told me he didn't care, and i could get angry and call him names, but that last phone conversation we had, those emails and of course our years together, all those are so resonant. i just can't forget it and i certainly cant stop loving him and thats what distresses me so much.

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Greensleaves

HU, that is very very tragic. It almost sounds like a movie.

Hmm, one thing you probably could reflect on: it sounds as if this marriage is going to be doomed and eventually he will break out of it, basically when his frustration threshold is higher than his guilt threshold.

 

Obviously you are hurt, because this woman has all you wanted from him, kinda, but not quite true, she doesn't have his love which is all you really need at the end of the day for making the relationship work.

What you need to be clear of, should he decide to break out (and of course you pushing it won't help, because he will be guilt ridden and will exert his frustration onto you), could you accept that he has a son and responsibilities linked to it for life? If you can't, it is no use pining over it. (I know easier said than done)

 

My Ex had a daughter and even though I could never see myself taking something like that on board, I did and even developped a strong relationship with his daughter, strong enough that I felt that she is my daughter, too. (which now of course is a source of pain after the breakup, but then again might not be anything you need to worry about as it sounds as if you two ever going to go for this relationship you will be settled for life or at least a very longtime....)

 

So yepp, if you can't live with "his closet", try everything you can to get him out of your system or at least have him tucked in somewhere.

 

If you decide you can, hmm, must admit dunno how to proceed then, as obviously it might entail a long waiting time and the only thing you could do is telling him that you would support him and share his responsibilities should he ever want to break out. (I know, difficult as the other country thing comes into play as well etc etc but that's all I can think of for now...)

 

Greensleaves

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hey, that was me, sorry i didn't log in.

 

Firstly thanks for your kind words and understanding.

 

The thing is, i don't know what will happen. I know this man and i know that he will go along with things to a point and if hes emotionally pressured he will give in, but similarly he has a defence mechanism, where he just shuts down and says no, and no means no, and we don't discuss this anymore. this is what has happened here, with all this "forget it, we are different people then we were back then. lets just get on with our lives and try and find a way forward"

 

I worry about his mental health as he's an emotional person who shuts off his emotions. i know he loves her and his son, how could he not, but i think he loves her in a different way. so i think he does have his love, but not the right kind that will make this last the time it needs to when a child is involved. i can't explain it. in a way, we were each others biggest fans and so supportive of each other and both believed the other could do so much with their lives and were each other's biggest inspirations and knew each other so well we thought each other was the best. Perhaps the most hurtful thing was, I asked him, i said do you love me more than her?

 

He ignored it and continued writing in his next mail.

 

I hope he will come back, but then part of me thinks he might do something stupid, like leave all 3 of us and disappear somewhere. i never asked him to leave his son, he was the one who started the "if i left my son, leaving my family would be out of the question, i'd feel guilty if i abandoned them to come back to you" The worst thing is that history is repeating itself. The marriage between his mother and father was strained (they don't speak now) so one day his mother left his dad and took the children to live with somebody she was in love with. It ended in distaster and has affected my partner to this day. Its for this reason that i know he wouldn't mess with his son's life like this.

 

i tried to put myself in his son's position tho, and think how i would feel if i knew my father had made phonecalls to an ex behind mine and my mothers back when i was young. That doesn't give me a very good feeling. I feel sorry for his wife too because i know hes difficult to live with and moody, but i can imagine him holding all this in is making him a million times worse. he says he cannot ever speak to anybody about what has happened, but said on the other hand could hardly trust himself not to just crack and come out with it all.

 

Most of all, i'm so angry at him for being so stupid and so easily swayed, and i honestly feel she has had a huge sway in the marriage and the pregnancy just seems so suspicious (my partner was always v. careful) and i can't believe hes been so stupid.

 

he kept pushing me to make the best of my life, and keeps telling me how valuable i am and how i have so much to give the world and that i can make a go of everything and i should go and be happy, but i can't help feeling kind of like, well you know in those old WW1 movies where the hero's best buddy is wounded, and he says, "forget me, go on without me..." well that's how i feel. i can try and go forward, but i'm thinking about him every step of the way and wondering if i should go back and see if he's okay.

 

He kind of blames me i think for starting a relationship early on, and i blame him for going in the first place and putting me in a position where i was left alone with next to no explanation. i was so humiliated, going around going on about how much we love each other, then having the humilation of saying that he left me to go abroad. he says it occured to him that he was so stressed he could have been off his head and the desicision to just go on impulse were the actions of a desperate man and the only thing he wasnt unhappy about was the relationship with me. it was no consolation to me.

 

 

 

As has already been indicated, if something happens, it will be in a few years. not now, but again, i don't want to fixate on something that may or may not happen, because the irony is, that's what has caused this pain- the ongoing thought that he'd come back for me, and still love me. i never envisaged a wife and child coming in. only one friend suggested it, and then we literally laughed the idea off "him? married- yeah right- everything he said about marriage- never!" "kid? he cant sort himself out!" we are laughing on the other side of our faces now...

 

He accuses me of not knowing who he is, and maybe hes right- if hes telling me he doesn't have any friends or see any of them now, well that is just unbelieveable to me, as his wonderful friends were amongst the most valuable people in his life and he was forever seeing them. for him to tell me he has no friends and nobody to talk to out there, that is the most worrying thing for me. i want to be a friend to him, but as the last time was spoke was so distressing, i don't know how to start another conversation.

 

Thanks again for listening, its good to get it all out.

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Greensleaves

Hu Caprice,

it does even sound more tragic now; like it was in Brokeback mountain, they never got together because circumstances wouldn't let them...

I do admire that he takes up his responsibilities in terms of his family, but I do think it is also downright stupid because he will most likely turn bitter and it will be difficult not to exert that on his son. Besides, when parents seperate it does not mean that the child needs to get abandoned, I have seen people make it work without affecting the kids too much (my own brother did). But it doesn't seem as if this is an option right now anyways.

 

I guess he is right, maybe he has changed so much that you do not know him that well anymore and I guess he doesn't really want you to know him that well as he doesn't seem to be that happy with him and his life.

 

Don't know what to say. I guess you have to hold on to that if it is really meant you will meet again but until then just carry on with your life and if it means that you might meet a guy to start a family with before, so be it.

 

Sorry, cannot offer you much more, because it seems as if he is holding the ball in his court and will do tings as he sees fit whether or not his own heart is broken....

 

Things like that shouldn't happen, but maybe some good will come out of it eventually...

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi, well, I've come back to this forum to tell you the next installment of the dillemma and ask for your advice. this may be long- i tend to "get it all out" in front of you guys!!

 

well 7 months had passed since the "distress" and i'd had the cooling off period (of course i still feel the same..but my head is on straighter now) and decided that i would make the first move in re-establishing contact, because i knew he wouldn't just email me going "hi!" after all this crying and upset. up to me then...

 

I decided to just be friendly because he said in a previous email said we should remain close and open as look what happened last time when we didnt, and he didn't want to stop talking to me ever- then next day said, however, that actually, we could not keep talking about "these subject matters" (i.e our feelings and upset and regrets) as it was too distressing, as were phonecalls, but he still cared for me; we still shared a bond and didn't want to sever contact and he would always be my friend and he didn't want me out of his life and i was important to him.

 

So, with this in mind i composed a chatty "hi, long time no write, just thought i'd see how its going. you ok?" i added btw, do you have the new dylan album ( a mutual love of ours) just to give us a conversation piece, left it at that.

 

He replied, really friendly going on about the new record, saying i'd prob be disappointed by the time it got here, saying he liked it etc..talking about bobs new stuff signed it "take care, D." - but nothing about himself whatsoever or if he was okay, totally ignored it.

 

i told my friend who saw it and also noted that he had totally ignored my how are you questions. I considered this and thought i was being paranoid perhaps so,I replied with similar dylan talk and told him about my uni exams and again made it light and jokey said my hands were killing and etc etc..

 

he replied with about five lines, about the records, saying he knew how i felt with the exams, and best of luck with them and my new term. It's tone was totally polite, almost affected, and a bit aloof. Almost like he hardly knew me.

 

Now i began to get quite annoyed as his responses were not like him. I thought i'd rise above it and i responded again normally saying he was right at last i had the record and i was disappointed and here was why... talking about the songs and stuff... about 250 words.

 

THis was 6 days ago. No reply. He's read it all right.

 

Also this last email was 2 days before my birthday. He ignored it. This is the first time in 7 years (save for one year when we werent in contact) that he has not sent/said anything on my birthday. What's his game?

 

He says he wants to still keep on talking, but when i do, hes obviously not coping/liking it. What am i supposed to do? How can you have a relationship with somebody who has said we cant talk about feelings? but then neither of us wants to break contact? if i ask him, does he not want to speak to me, he'll say no. but i know he'll carry on like this, in this odd tone.

 

I don't know what he's playing at, its like hes got some kind of trip out switch. Is there a word limit on our correspondence or something to match the subject limit? Friends are suggesting now that i just email him straight, and say look, what's the problem here- do you not want to speak to me? i mean how are things now for you? are you okay, really? has anything changed? how do feel now all this has happened? i kind of also on a bigger scale tell him, that yes although i was upset and angry last time, i've had time to accept things now and i'm still here if he needs me. thats of course what i want to say, but because i have no indication of his emotional state or family/marriage state, i don't want to risk causing upset, as i never want to hear us like we were last time, so devastated and distressed by all of it.

 

I have also realised that i'm inwardly resentful, because i feel like he's doing the old "she's alright" thing with me, because i always appear as though i am. let me tell you now i'm not. I just feel like he's looking at me and telling himself " oh shes ok, shes got good friends, doing a good degree, clever, nice family, young, shes strong and warm, postive and she can do anything, i'm ok, i've got a good job, good degree, good prospects, i can bear it, but i've got some poor little foreign wife from a poor country, with no job, away from home, now burdened with responsibilities, reliant on me stuck alone at home all day, jealous about my relationship with my ex and damn i've proved her right, i'm terrible! she's in a marriage with a (insert disparaging word here) like me, and we have a son whom i'll probably lose if i leave, so sod it, me and my ex can cope, we can deal with this, anyway, it's been three years, it's as though three years have never happened, but yes, they have. tough. we're just being selfish, we can forget about these feelings, I've already upset enough people anyway, so i'm best off staying out here, because i've made my bed, now i can lie in it and it would be wicked to do otherwise."

 

This is where I get mad, because the happiness of two people I care about (me and him) is being compromised in favour of a bad situation that wasnt even thought through properly and favour of her, who lets face it, is on a bloody good number. even if they divorce she's set up for life, with her maintenance and her western son and EU passport...If she was from the west, I could easier deal with this but i'm angry because i think his good nature is being exploited. (nb- this is not the first time his generosity or trusting nature has been taken advantage of..)

 

He's a man who is consumed by emotion and stress and worries for much of the time but has always wanted to do "the right thing". Sometimes his idea of the right thing is wrong, because it invariably involves putting himself last, grinning and bearing it but remaining inwardly unhappy and rarely betrays these feelings of doubt and worry, unless pushed to. I don't think it's fair to push him, because i don't know what's going on. But i'll never know whats going on until i push him, but now i know there's two other people for whom his moods will have an impact. i can't pretend to care about her, but the child is another matter and i don't want to upset his daddy. But this situation is just wrong all over, and i can't carry on with it like this because i don't know what to think. i just want to bring it all up again and ask what the hell is going on now, but i don't want to hurt somebody i love.

 

So, what should i do now? your opinions as ever gratefully considered.....:(

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Look, I read the entire story, and I know it's tragic and it hurts. But somebody's got to be blunt so I'll do it because I've been blindsided before, just like you are.

 

Get over him. He was once yours but he is no longer. Don't contact him. His keeping in touch with you is the same as having an emotional affair with you, and you clearly still have feelings for him by overanalyzing his emails. He is married and with another woman. She can be his support, not yours. You don't need to worry about his emotional well-being. Just like you were able to move on, he will be able to move on too, without you. Neither of you could truly be friends right now since you were both very emotionally invested. You see what I am saying?

 

He is a "married" man, and he is taken. He is OFF the market. If he chooses to leave him wife on his own accord (no interference from you), then you can re-visit a possible relationship with him if that is still what you and him wants at that time. But you would seriously need to question someone who is willing to leave his family for another woman.

 

Besides, you're 24 and still very young. You still have a lot of time to meet new people. I am sorry that this has been painful for you. I truly am and I sympathize, but for your sake, I wouldn't put any more energy or emotion into it. Just let it go. He's not yours anymore.

 

So my advice: Do NOTHING. Do not contact him. Just let it go.

 

_________________________________________________

 

So, what should i do now? your opinions as ever gratefully considered.....:(

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Caprice, I agree with obsession, I guess you shouldn't do anything. as i said in my previous post: the ball is in his court, he probably knows that you care for him deeply, maybe even knows that you love him still and if he wants to get closer to you or get involved with you again it is his call. The things is, if you persist he might give in if he has feelings for you still but he will resent you for it (as he wants to live up to his responsibilities) and it will almost inevitably end up in a drama again. I think he has to live through his current relationship and make the decision to leave her based on whether he is happy with her or not. As to her being from the east: it is not impossible that she took advantage of him to a certain extent, but you don't know that for sure. She might just love him. As I said before: if he wants to leave her it doesn't automatically mean that he has to loose his son, too, it will just be more difficult but not impossible to care for him. Sure, shold he move back and cross the Atlantic again it might be more difficult, but let's be honest it hasn't kept other people from breaking up and doing their part of child care in some other form.. And I guess he does know that,too.

I'm sorry that it all has turned out the way it has and same as Obsession I can only emphasize that at 24 you still have lots of life in front of you and chances are high that you will find somebody else that will make you happy.

I know you are not fine right now and maybe not for a little while longer, but contacting him will most likely only make it worse and add more to the drama you are already in.

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