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Do Abusive Relationships Take Longer to Forget?


In Sync

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This week I'm having a pretty weird time coping. Maybe it's because it's actually approaching a year that the relationship ended and now I find myself just feeling anxious and blue. I don't long for the ex. That's not it. But I don't feel at ease either. I can't put my finger on the pulse. I keep wanting t rewrite the "episodes" (replaying the rage moments and trying to sort out what happened ) I can't seem to put that behind me. I even find myself wondering did it happen. I can't imagine anymore what is left for me to do to stop thinking of it. I feel like I'm at the mercy of those memories.

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InSync,

 

abusive relationships do take longer to heal because the damage cuts so deep into our self esteem. I was in an abusive relationship for years and the hardest thing for me to get past was "how could I have let this happen to me?" I had to come to a place of forgiving myself. It took a long time, but I came out a stronger, and I believe more compassionate, person because of it. You will come out on the other side, please don't get discouraged.

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the hardest thing for me to get past was "how could I have let this happen to me?" I had to come to a place of forgiving myself....You will come out on the other side, please don't get discouraged.

 

 

Thank you for opening my eyes to this and your words of encouragement. It's frustrating sometimes doing this (getting past this) on my own. Of course no one can do it for me. I have spent so much time trying to forgive him, in healing, that I have forgotten how to forgive myself and think that by rehashing or undoing all the threads I can figure out how did I get to that point that I got got involved with a person who was abusive. Just when then are goiing smoothly I keep falling down.

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I know exactly how you feel! not only are you remembering your ex but your remembering the abuse. I feel the same way mine wasn't physcial but it was mentaly and emotional. Its really hard to overcome and I think they would take longer than other relationships. But Im sure once you find someone who doesn't abuse you you will look back and wish you never dwelled on it. Its hard though . I look back and I'm like how could I let this happen ( too ) why did I let him get away with that. Why did I disrespect my self like that, and you wish you could go back and time and stand up for your self.. I never did.

 

If you don't mind me asking

 

What kind of abuse?

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leopardprint
Do Abusive Relationships Take Longer to Forget?

 

I actually think it has to do with the person and situation. I was about to respond with a "yes" to your question, but I honestly can't.

 

My VERY first relationship was a HORRIBLY abusive relationship (emotionally and verbally wise). We were ALWAYS fighting, yelling, screaming, cursing, and he eventually cheated on me - with my best friend - in my own house. It took me awhile to get over it all and I did a HELL of a lot of stupid **** while trying to get him back (I know, I was a freakin' moron - but, I WAS really young and inexperienced) coping, and trying moving on. I figured since it was my first "love", it would take awhile to get over.

 

But when I realized how horrible of a person he was, and what horrible things he did, it was actually MUCH easier for me to move on. Realizing that he was NOT a good person to have in my life in ANY way or form, made it easier to forget and move on.

 

Now on the other hand, my current ex-situation; I was with him for 2yrs, he was my best friend, and the love of my life. This has been one of THEE hardest things I've EVER had to deal with BECAUSE he was such an AMAZING person and I DO love him so incredibly. He's never done anything to intentionally hurt me, he's never lied to me, he's never really fought with me. And that's why it's so hard to move on; he's TOO good and he was an AMAZING person to have in my life, if not thee BEST person in my life.

 

 

So I don't know, I guess it all depends on what happened, who the other perosn is, and who you are. I think most relationships are tough and take awhile to forget in general. :(:o

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burning 4 revenge

Not only can I not forget her, I love her so much more than all the non-abusers

 

Thinking of her getting her way with young men, that evil shrew, still turns me on

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In answer to your question Brittjean06, he was a verbal abuser.

 

 

I suppose what bugs me is I feel like a door hasn't been close mentally about how I felt about the nature of the abuse. I know that I can't change the past, and I know intellectually that moving on is the only option. But I do think of the things he said and wonder how did it get to a point where he became so horribly cruel? why wasn't I able to stop it? By no means do I miss him as a person. It's not about missing him. That's for sure. Time has passed on and yet I can't undertstand why I can't forget it. Wipe it out of my memory bank so to speak. Since I don't look back on it or him with feelings of love or hate or longing. What is it that won't let me forget what happened?

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Not only can I not forget her, I love her so much more than all the non-abusers

 

Thinking of her getting her way with young men, that evil shrew, still turns me on

 

Burning,

 

You know why you "love" her, and you know it's not love at all. This was all covered on your other thread.

 

The mind is programmable, and every time you indulge an unhealthy thought like this, it becomes part of your belief system. It becomes part of the torture you endure, to make yourself believe something that isn't true.

 

Maybe it turns you on to think of her with other guys, but that isn't love at all. That is just an unhealthy fantasy, and every time you have one of those you should slap yourself.

 

If you made an objective list of all the things you would look for in a mate, the things you truly value, she probably wouldn't even rate as a remote possibility. It's only pride and ego that keep your one-way thread attached to her. You should learn what it takes for you to snip it and be free of her. There are women out there for you who won't turn you inside out with pain. And you don't have to sign up on disabled dating sites or settle for women you don't find attractive to find companionship.

 

If you don't value yourself in an objective, healthy way, you'll continue to get into valueless, unhealthy relationships. Maybe the next one won't be abusive. Maybe it will be loveless. Or full of neglect or resentment or sadness or infidelity. Take your pick. Your life is in only your hands. It's your own choices you suffer from.

 

I think I was on topic.

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I actually think it has to do with the person and situation. I was about to respond with a "yes" to your question, but I honestly can't.

 

My VERY first relationship was a HORRIBLY abusive relationship (emotionally and verbally wise). We were ALWAYS fighting, yelling, screaming, cursing, and he eventually cheated on me - with my best friend - in my own house. It took me awhile to get over it all and I did a HELL of a lot of stupid **** while trying to get him back (I know, I was a freakin' moron - but, I WAS really young and inexperienced) coping, and trying moving on. I figured since it was my first "love", it would take awhile to get over.

 

But when I realized how horrible of a person he was, and what horrible things he did, it was actually MUCH easier for me to move on. Realizing that he was NOT a good person to have in my life in ANY way or form, made it easier to forget and move on.

 

Now on the other hand, my current ex-situation; I was with him for 2yrs, he was my best friend, and the love of my life. This has been one of THEE hardest things I've EVER had to deal with BECAUSE he was such an AMAZING person and I DO love him so incredibly. He's never done anything to intentionally hurt me, he's never lied to me, he's never really fought with me. And that's why it's so hard to move on; he's TOO good and he was an AMAZING person to have in my life, if not thee BEST person in my life.

 

 

So I don't know, I guess it all depends on what happened, who the other perosn is, and who you are. I think most relationships are tough and take awhile to forget in general. :(:o

 

 

I can relate to that. I'm struggling to get over my first love who was a sociopath- it explains its self. And I know I will because like you said it is easier to move on from someone you know truely isn't a good person.

Its those good people that get away leaving you with a heartache that is worth the pain- hope that makes sense..

 

As for the thread starter it is just going to take sometime and a little bit more time on top of that. These things aren't easy. Don't let his cruelness bring your confidence down. I know its hard but think about all the people who actually do love you, this person was just simply trying to make him self better. He was a cruel person tell your self he isn't worth the pain, though you can't really stop your self from feeling it. I know. Alot of people think you have the key to getting over someone really quick and you can try your hardest but its not going to do any good unless alot Alot of time has past. You will be feeling better about this.

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But I do think of the things he said and wonder how did it get to a point where he became so horribly cruel? why wasn't I able to stop it?

this was what I thought to help me heal in the past don't know it would help you, but i still put it here "we are all human beings, so we make mistakes, including him. maybe he wanted to love and be loved, but he did not know how to. maybe he had a bad childhood, or he had a bad relationship (but by no mean I can help him anymore as i myself in great pain and don't have a clue what's going on with him). since I am human being too, I made mistakes. made wrong choices, have insecurities, jealous....but I've learned. and can improve in the future".

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