I just met the girl he is sleeping with

[Mollyanna]

Two weeks ago, I put up a post called "he's having sex tonight - with someone else". That was one of the worst days of my life. If you read through the story, you will see how he strings me along and makes me feel like he just needs some time for himself and how much he cares about me and needs me in his life, but he just needs a break. For the past 2 weeks I have tried very hard to get over the fact that he slept with that woman. (his friends w/ benefits girl for many years). We even planned a date for this coming week. I was hopeful and optimistic.

 

He told me he hadn't been with her in over a year. She lives 2 1/2 hours away now. So I never dreamed she would pop into the picture again. I just took a long walk on the beach and was near his house so I decided to pop over and fill up my water bottle and get some suntan lotion and head back. I had walked too far and needed some cool air and a rest before walking the next 3 miles back to my car.

 

I walked up to the garage and he was in there and came out and greeted me and then he turned around and introduced me to the girl sitting in the garage in MY usual chair. I had known her name so I knew exactly who she was. I am pretty good at holding my expressions so I was nice, and then asked him for suntan lotion (which SHE gave me), and I sat in the living room and spoke to his roommate trying to calm myself. Then SHE came into the house and sat near me. So, I went into the garage where he was cooking her dinner on the grill (OUR usual Sunday ritual) and I said, "hmm.. kinda strange that she would be here again .... He said, "NEVER gonna happen!!" "She knows that". I muttered something to myself like "I am so ****ing stupid" and he heard me and said it was OK. !!!!???? She had called last night and asked to come and see him today. He told me he wasn't going to work tomorrow and I said "Well, of course you're not..." and he told me "No, it's to go bike riding with B and T" I said, well hmmm I thought part of our break was so you could concentrate on work and get yourself motivated. You didn't even work yesterday." He told me I was right and called his boss right then and said he would be in work tomorrow. He thanked me for the motivation. I went into the house and filled up my water bottle and I said goodbye to them. he came up (in front of her) and gave me a big hug and told me to call him later."

 

Now, I managed to tell her it was nice to meet her and I smiled and made it to the beach before I started bawling my eyes out. But now, here I am again visualizing him with this girl. I can't believe I just gave him advice, tried to help him when inside I was dying. I can't believe I was so sweet to that girl. I am such a pushover. Somebody please tell me how I can just stop wanting him. This hurts so much and I know it is going to keep hurting me if I don't get out. But he is all I have here. And I don't want to move again. I always move to run away from my problems. And that is why I never have a support system anywhere.

 

God, how am I going to get through this night again.

[norajane]

I'm sorry this happened...but I have to give you some tough love here. He was very clear with you about not wanting a serious relationship, and that he didn't want to be in one with you or anyone else. You've consistently been blowing NC and talking with him and seeing him. Had you stayed away from his house today, this wouldn't have happened. Did you really need to walk in the direction of his house? Or did you, in the back of your mind, know that's where you were heading?

 

You can't create a support system of one person, a guy who is wishy-washy about what he wants. There's no reason you have to move, but you do have to stop seeing him, stop texting him endlessly, stop calling him. If he contacts you, do not respond. That's the only way to get him out of your system and move on.

 

You will find strength to get through this night, and you will find strength within yourself to get over him. Take control of your life and find your happiness and peace within yourself. It's time for you to stop relying on this guy for your happiness - he certainly hasn't brought you any of that in the last few weeks.

 

Again, I'm very sorry you had to meet his FWB, and I'm even sorrier that you are in pain right now. I wish you all the best.

[the_alchemyst]

 

*hugs*

 

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, but I don't, unfortunately.

 

All I can say is that you seem so sweet and that because you are, you shouldn't do this to yourself. There can be a really fine line between being nice and sweet and being a pushover at times. If he asked you for time for himself, then give it to him. This means that you should not try to make up excuses/reasons to go see him.

 

If you see him, he won't miss you. In fact, he'll know you're there--readily waiting for his return, and so will take his sweet time to do whatever he wants, all while stringing you along so as to ensure you will be there if and when he decides to return.

 

Don't give him this benefit, Molly.

 

Just leave him alone and think that you two have broken up; don't think of it as a "break." If he wants to sleep with X and Y and Z and the whole alphabet, he will and that's just that. It'll be less torture if you don't know. But in a way, it's good that you know he was willing to sleep with another so quickly after going on a break--this should allow you to see what kind of person he really is.

 

If you needed suntan lotion, you should have gone to the store. Hell, you should have gotten a tan. You shouldn't have gone to his place.

 

In fact, you shouldn't go for any reason. Don't give him the satisfaction of him playing with you like a yoyo. You only feel like sh*t and look like worthless. I'm telling you this from person experience: I let my exbf carry me around like his yoyo for about two weeks and I felt miserable and looked pathetic (and I also felt pathetic). I finally mustered the courage to stop and I stopped going over, hanging out with him, doing this for him, etc. It hurt, but it didn't hurt as much as what he and I were doing to myself.

 

If he wants you back, you have to leave, and you have not yet left.

 

If he wants you back, it will be up to you. You are in charge of your own life: don't let him direct it.

 

Oh, and remember: the best support system is your inner strength and will.

[Mollyanna]

Thanks you guys. I am trying to hard to hold all this in. I want to call him or text him and yell at him. But I already know his responses. He gave all of them to me 2 weeks ago. I just feel like a fool. I feel empty because I have no one to care about. I feel used and lied to. I feel like I just wasn't good enough for him, so that is why he had to run to some other girl. Maybe he got bored of me. Maybe I am just an idiot for putting my heart out there again.

 

I don't want to call him, but I know he will eventually call me. I go between feeling bad about myself to hating him and I wonder which of those moods I will be in when he does call. I might go off on him! I love him and yet I wish I had never met him

[Ariadne]

Jesus!

 

Well, let's hope that it's because of the summer and she came for some vacation only.

 

You can ask him when she is going to leave...

 

How was she?

 

And what a bummer!!! omg

 

Yeah, the break was all about this girl coming over.

 

At least you were coming from the beach, so you probably looked hot and all of that. And she must feel like the queen that displaced you... grrrr

 

Sigh, well, congratulations on keeping your composture and acting nice and polite.

 

(And good thing you had 3 miles of the beach to cry back, I mean, that's like the best place to cry)

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

yeah there I am in a bathing suit and shorts, all sweaty, no makeup, and hair pulled back. She meanwhile is skinnier than me, (almost too skinny), dressed nice, seemed to be very polite, but she was a lot older. She also looked a little weathered. I mean she wasn't ugly but she had this hard look to her. We looked very opposite. I have a very innocent, rosy, little girl face and I have curves. I look much younger and unfortunately have the voice that matches. She looked 10 years older than me and sounded it also. I don't get what his type is at all.

 

She isn't on vacation. She actually has been driving the 2 1/2 hours to his house each time. She must want him bad.

 

Oh yeah she probably knew who I was. While I was there, she went to the restroom and took her hair down and made it all pretty. I did have to laugh about that.

 

I found a quiet place on the beach and sat down and had a VERY long cry. And then I had a fast, angry walk the rest of the way. I think I yelled out some bad words along the way.

 

Sometimes keeping my cool is not fun. Looking back now, I thought of what I should have said "Oh, so you are the girl that he is ****ing now" or "So, you are his **** buddy huh" I know I would never say that stuff, but it is nice to imagine his face if I would have.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

I am in a bathing suit and shorts, all sweaty, no makeup, and hair pulled back.

 

Well, that the way people look when they go for a walk on the beach. I'm sure you looked very sexy. (Plus you said you lost weight lately).

 

She looked 10 years older than me and sounded it also. She actually has been driving the 2 1/2 hours to his house each time. She must want him bad.

 

Yeah, she must be desperate. Let the poor old woman then have a little bit of fun too, she must have it bad where she lives. Is like he is trying to be nice to her.

 

she went to the restroom and took her hair down and made it all pretty.

 

Hahaha (Hey, seems like you impressed her)

 

I found a quiet place on the beach and sat down and had a VERY long cry.

 

Yeah, that's what I'd do too.

 

"So, you are his **** buddy huh" I know I would never say that stuff, but it is nice to imagine his face if I would have.

 

Yeah, I never do those things either. They just make you look bad.

 

Well, just keep your cool, exercising, looking good, finding guys, and you never know...

 

If he had all this time (years) to go for her and didn't, what is going to make him go for her now.

 

If you keep your cool he is going to appreciate you for that (I think)

 

Good luck,

 

Ariadne

__________________

♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥

[Mollyanna]

I tried to go to bed but starting have these anxiety attacks and stupid thoughts and suddenly I thought of something I absolutely had to say so I texted him. figuring this would be the last time he ever hears from me, so it better be a good one. 10 minutes later I regret it because I walked out of his house with class today, and this just ruined it...

 

Here is what I wrote:

I must be the world's biggest fool to fall in love with a man who's sole purpose in life is to follow his dick around

 

and by the way, this is the first time I ever mentioned being in love. I never said it before because I didn't want to scare him away. Now I don't care. Go away Go away. All you bring me is pain! You have lovely words and a great act, but no follow-through. Why are some men so driven to just screw every girl out there and never settle down?

[Mollyanna]

If you keep your cool he is going to appreciate you for that (I think)

 

lol i think it is too late for that... Let him have that old hag.

[AriaIncognito]

I feel empty because I have no one to care about.

 

You DO have someone to care about. That someone, is yourself. Walk away from this man. He's obviously not worthy of your time and attention, if he's willing to sleep with someone so soon after you broke up/were on a break.

 

It sucks right now, but eventually, you'll be happy that you moved on. He will eventually become a fond memory, and not one that brings you pain and anguish, but right now, you need to stop hurting yourself with texts and walks by his house. I know you want to hold onto any bit of him that you can, but all that is doing, is keeping you from moving on. I think a lot of us here (myself 100% included) have been guilty of that. However, we need to try our best not to let someone who is so willing to let us go, control anything about our lives once they are gone. There's no point in that. They are not sitting at home pining over us, so we need to take their lesson, and do the same...

 

Chin up, it'll get better, once you start allowing it to...

 

Jennifer

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

I tried to go to bed but starting have these anxiety attacks and stupid thoughts

 

Oh, I can imagine. Knowing she is there.

 

suddenly I thought of something I absolutely had to say so I texted him.

 

You tell him Mollyanna... And you told him great.

 

I ever mentioned being in love.

 

Yeah! haha

 

(I always tell them)

 

Go away Go away. All you bring me is pain!

 

Just relax, you are doing great. (Call Mr. Friday)

 

Ariadne

[SarahRose]

I read the other thread and still don't see what is so great about this guy? I don't think he is worth 2 women fighting over him but the old geezer is just lapping it up.

 

You really got to get a grip and stop contacting him. Take his number off your phone so you cant call or text him. It makes you looks desperate.

[Mollyanna]

He wrote back at 7:30 this morning and said:

"You are a fool for falling in love with someone who can't even stand that word right now in his life. Also, that's the last part of my body that runs my life but I guess that shows how little u know me !!!"

 

And I wrote:

Yeah, that's why the FWB girl popped into the scene. Is she helping u 2 sort out your life??

I'm a fool alright.

I ****ing hurts so much right now and THAT'S what u had 2 say? After another night of hell, u lay blame at my feet.

 

And he wrote:

Please don't make me regret ever knowing you! I hate myself enough without any help from you! !

 

And then I was pissed so I said:

This isn't about making U feel bad!!

If that's the way u feel about me, then ****ing pretend I'm dead

 

Feeling bad an hour later I wrote:

Please just stop and talk to me. I do not want to fight with you over text messages

 

An hour later... I wrote:

Fine. GO. I always knew u would.

 

OK, I am done text messaging. But now all I wonder about is what he thinks of me. Why do I care? I want to be mad at him but I don't want him to be mad at me. He hasn't made any responses since this morning. I know he is at work though and probably ticked off. But do you think I will hear from him? GOD, why do I care? I'm so hurt and angry. Why can't I just let it go?

 

Because I love him...

[Ariadne]

Oh no!

 

You are a fool for falling in love with someone who can't even stand that word right now in his life.

 

He is awful!!!

 

What are you going to do?

 

Sigh, I think I am going to go get me a vietnamese salad and a movie

 

Ariadne

 

Ps: Men suck

__________________

♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥

[Mollyanna]

What can I do, but FINALLY follow everyone's advice and stop being so pathetic and stop contacting him? I do not truly believe he is a bad person, but just really screwed up and needs some time to heal, but I am NOT doing that for someone again. This is exactly where I was with the last ex - feeling sorry for him because of some personal issues, and not giving a damn about myself. Trying so hard to fix him so I can be this freaking Florence Nightingale and he will fall madly in love with me.

 

to use his words: "NEVER gonna happen". All I do is get him ready for the next girl. Aren't they any guys out there that ARE ready for a relationship and know how to love someone?????

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

FINALLY follow everyone's advice and stop being so pathetic and stop contacting him?

 

Well, good luck with that.

 

I do not truly believe he is a bad person, but just really screwed up and needs some time to heal

 

Yeah, that kind of sounds like the guy I love that told me he had a loathing for himself and his own body and that someone would have to be very patient with him and I was like, aww, he's so cute.

 

Trying so hard to fix him so I can be this freaking Florence Nightingale and he will fall madly in love with me.

 

Yeah, don't we all. And then they fall for girls that, ugh?! That?!

 

"NEVER gonna happen".

 

Yeah, he told me that too, more like: "I am never going to have sex again" or some crap like that.

 

Ah well, I give up with this whole business, I just had a good salad, a chocolate cone, and rented a Shirley Temple movie that always put me in a great mood. A world of nice and happy and sweet.

 

And tonight I go see the fwb, wth, and have some fun over there. I just hope I don't end up marrying the guy like I did the other two folks that I wasn't into.

 

Sigh...

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

Yeah, that kind of sounds like the guy I love that told me he had a loathing for himself and his own body and that someone would have to be very patient with him and I was like, aww, he's so cute.

What is it with these men playing with our heart strings?

 

Yeah, he told me that too, more like: "I am never going to have sex again" or some crap like that.

Mine told me he doesn't stick his d*ck in just anyone. He also said he is a sexual camel. rofl Today he told me he is done with all women for a few months cause we are all just pulling at him from different directions.

 

OK, so he called tonight and we spoke.

 

He said he felt really bad for me that I had to see her there but I broke boundaries by just popping in like that. And so did She AND his Ex. You won't believe this - that girl drove the 2 1/2 hours the night before and then tried to surprise him, but he wasn't home! So she called him and said she was staying at a friend's and for him to call her when he got back into town. So he did. (i can totally see him doing that because she drove all that way, even if he wouldn't have wanted her there.) Then I popped up 1 hour later. then I barely got out of the driveway when his Ex (the one he was with for 12 years), she popped in too.

 

Then this morning, the FWB girl said she wasn't doing anything for the next few days and asked to stay with him until Thursday. He told her no, she would have to go now because he had a busy week planned. She left. He was shocked that she wasn't playing the FWB role all of a sudden. I laughed and said "I told you so!"

 

I'm not sure how I feel about our conversation yet. We both said a lot. He said he:

**didn't want to hurt me anymore

**can't handle feeling bad about himself like this anymore

**doesn't want to lose me but he needs some time and I am not giving it to him

**told me he did not allow his feelings to get that deep with me

**said he is still torn up about the death of his Mom and his dog and his finances

**doesn't want me waiting around for him to get ready to open his heart again

**said he feels closer to me than anyone he has dated in several years

**said he opened up to me a lot more than he planned

**is afraid of getting close to anyone and getting hurt

**deeply cares about me and for me to please believe that

**emphasized over and over that he did not break up with me

**didn't put us on a break just to be with that girl

 

Anyway I don't know what to think. He said he would call me tomorrow and we could talk more after we had thought about all of this. I said, "Why? do you have more to say?" And he said Yes. I said "Well, I don't want to beat a dead horse. If you aren't that in to me, then you aren't and there is nothing we can say to change that". He said "It isn't like that and you know it".

 

I made him feel bad by saying he wasn't working toward any of the things he said he would during this break. I also said I was very disappointed in his attitudes about sex and right now I couldn't even imagine him touching me - it would be too icky.

 

I was more assertive in this conversation and pretty upbeat. I talked to a friend on the phone and she said she couldn't get over my change in attitude. I think I owe it to the fact that suddenly I feel like he is not good enough for me - that I don't have to blame myself anymore and keep looking at my shortcomings. He was lucky to have me in his life.

 

Must be the antidepressants kicking in. (i started taking them 8 days ago - the first time in over 8 years.)

[lonelybird]

what he said sounds to me "you are the ONLY one girl can make him change" this is sure ego boost, but also seems like a trap "you should make more efforts to make him feel good as your previous effort(trying to make relationship work, all the contacting) make him opened more than he planed". nothing wrong with making effort to make others happy, but when you aren't happy, it is the time to stop doing it.

he already said to you "he is not ready", plz listen to him. seems like he don't know about himself well enough, he would bring much more pain to you down the road. if i were you, i would let him go, or sit tight and watch, and you will see clearer about the situation.

you are worth much more

[Mollyanna]

I have thought a lot about what all of you have said. EVERYONE has good points. I don't mean to not follow the points, it is just that I truly don't believe he is a bad person and I really do think he cares about me. It seems like there is something there worth saving - even if he is just a friend in my life. Maybe that is all he is meant to be.

 

I made a date with a guy I met on the Internet. lol I have been talking to him for a couple of weeks and suddenly I just asked him to meet. I just hope he isn't a dork. All I want is to have fun and not be uncomfortable. Also a friend of mine wants to set me up with someone.

 

Anyway, I am going to let go of him now as best I can. I don't know what the conversation tonight will bring - probably just boundaries of our friendship is my guess. Frankly I am sick of the drama and almost hope he doesn't call tonight.

[Mollyanna]

And tonight I go see the fwb, wth, and have some fun over there. I just hope I don't end up marrying the guy like I did the other two folks that I wasn't into.

Hey Ariadne: You didn't get married last night, did ya?

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Hey Ariadne: You didn't get married last night, did ya?

 

No, I didn't even go actually. I fell asleep.

 

But I have reason to be concerned. Every time I'm really into some guy that I think we'd make a great couple it all goes to hell.

 

But then I have other guys that are really into me and by default I'd say, because I like sex, I end up hanging out with them. Plus they are nice to me and all (not like Mr. Impossible).

 

So this fwb guy that I'm seeing told me that he tought that eventually I'd forget the guy I'm in love with because he is with someone else, what else (it's obvious, he said) and that I'd stick to him because he is the one there

 

He also said that he is looking for a serious relationship, he is an older guy (48) and wants to see me every day. Actually, some relatives were staying over at his house a couple nigths ago, and he called me for us to go spend the night in a hotel. I told him no.

 

The problem is I did the same thing twice before, I got married because, what the heck. I didn't love the guy but I had given up on love and since they were nice to me and all, whatever.

 

But I hope nothing like that is going to happen and I'll be alone forever or some. Forget love.

 

Ah, and about this:

 

**didn't want to hurt me anymore

**can't handle feeling bad about himself like this anymore

**doesn't want to lose me but he needs some time and I am not giving it to him

**told me he did not allow his feelings to get that deep with me

**said he is still torn up about the death of his Mom and his dog and his finances

**doesn't want me waiting around for him to get ready to open his heart again

**said he feels closer to me than anyone he has dated in several years

**said he opened up to me a lot more than he planned

**is afraid of getting close to anyone and getting hurt

**deeply cares about me and for me to please believe that

**emphasized over and over that he did not break up with me

**didn't put us on a break just to be with that girl

 

What a mess!!!

 

I feel for you Mollyanna. What headache. He has total total control of the situation now. I don't think that you can do much to change that.

 

The only thing is to dump him, but I'm not sure you have the strength to do that since you are so into him and you are practically new to that area.

 

Mr. Friday could help you a bit. Kind of like the fwb I have, but that also has the risks of getting into a relationship that you don't want.

 

Good luck, you'll need it,

 

Ariadne

__________________

♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥

[Mollyanna]

Ariadne:

You are right. I do need to meet someone else, but I think I just want to date for a while and not get involved. Although with me, that never happens. I have always had very quick, passionate but brief blowout relationships. Go to fast in the beginning and then burnout - and I am usually the one who ends up hurt.

 

Forget Love? Don't say that. As heartbroken as I am right now, I still think there can be nothing better than life.

 

Sounds like your FWB situation works for you, since you don't get emotionally involved, but I tried that once and I fell for him.

 

I liked your idea of renting a movie and getting a chocolate cone and all and enjoying yourself. I think this weekend I will bake some cookies, do some kind of art project, and drink some wine. that sounds like therapy to me!

[Mollyanna]

We said goodbye. Not forever but it sure feels like it. I bawled my eyes out on the phone at the end. Suddenly I had all these things I needed to say to him and I couldn't get them out fast enough. Felt like it was the last time I will ever talk to him. He says it isn't, but I just don't know. I don't know where this might lead me.

 

I told him "This isn't fun anymore. I am tired of crying and this relationship has become completely exhausting. Our first 4 months together were wonderful but this last month has been pure hell." He said it wasn't hell but he is getting a little sick of fighting. He said he has told everyone that asks where I am "We are taking a break from one another for a while, the relationship was just getting to be too much." Eventually we agreed that we never did have a break and we decided it was in our best interest to do so.

 

I told him how upsetting it would be if he was still in this same "place" when we do talk again. He said "That gives me a little motivation then doesn't it?" He knows he needs to work on letting other people in. He even said I don't have to worry because he isn't having anything to do with girls for the next couple of months, that it has all been a headache with him. He is done with the FWB girl. He didn't even have sex with her the other night. He realized he didn't even really want her there. He asked that we not have sex with other people during this break. He promised he won't.

 

He said he is too stupid to see anything good that is right in front of his face. (I took that as a good sign toward me personally.) He said so many nice things, like all he really wants is for me to be happy and get back to being myself without thinking about him so much.

 

I told him I wish we would have met at a different time and he said "it's not over, I'm not dead yet!"

 

I cried at the end so hard I had to repeat sentences. Then I told him I knew he didn't want to hear it, but "I love you." "you can take that for whatever you will". He sat there in silence and then said I am making him cry now. He told me to please be careful and not let my guard down with anyone because he can't be there to take care of me, but if I ever need to, I can call him anytime.

 

After the call, i cried so hard. And then suddenly I was smiling. I feel like a whole lot of pressure just jumped off my shoulders and I can breathe again.

[Mollyanna]

27 hours of NC....

I think I am strong enough to get through the night at least. Hope I have this same attitude tomorrow. I only cried twice today. gotta stop sleeping and watching so much TV though. not doing very much work (even though I work from home). Today I went out for milk. the cashier is the first person I have seen since Sunday.

 

wonder how long I can go without changing my pillowcase. It smells like him. found some of his clothes and a movie of his today. know that will come back to haunt me in a few days. will be a reason I can conjure up for contact.

 

Doesn't help that he said I could call anytime...

[AriaIncognito]

Keep up the good work :-) Took me a month to wash the pillowcase...but i did it LOL. I dont even think it smelled like anything LOL

 

Jennifer