Coping with loss

[blind_otter]

I watched a PBS miniseries called "How Art Made The World" (google it if you're curious). The last episode was about death and loss.

 

In fact they mentioned in the show that the grieving process, which occurs with any loss, from the death of a loved one to the loss of a romantic partner, somehow intimately reminds us of our own death. I often wondered about this. Some people seem devestated by breakups, while others have a spasm of pain here and there for a few weeks and then, they pick up and move on.

 

I wonder if this is reflected in the way that people grieve for the loss of a loved one. Would those who cannot cope with breakups well, also not cope well with death or vice versa? Would those who DO cope well with breakups handle death better?

[Guest]

I watched a PBS miniseries called "How Art Made The World" (google it if you're curious). The last episode was about death and loss.

 

In fact they mentioned in the show that the grieving process, which occurs with any loss, from the death of a loved one to the loss of a romantic partner, somehow intimately reminds us of our own death. I often wondered about this. Some people seem devestated by breakups, while others have a spasm of pain here and there for a few weeks and then, they pick up and move on.

 

I wonder if this is reflected in the way that people grieve for the loss of a loved one. Would those who cannot cope with breakups well, also not cope well with death or vice versa? Would those who DO cope well with breakups handle death better?

 

 

Losing someone who dies, to me, is very different to losing someone because of a break-up.

 

No betrayal involved in death. The loved one is gone forever, but I loved that person and that person loved me. Nothing has destroyed that.

 

After a break-up, the ex is still out there somewhere. But sadly we don't care for each other anymore, the feelings are gone.

[Ariadne]

Oh,

 

That makes sense.

 

Because this break up just made me want to die!

 

Ariadne

[laRubiaBonita]

i think it depends on the circumstances surrounding the break up or the death. was it sudden and unexpected? had it been coming, and you knew?

 

for me the unexpected and sudden loss would hurt me the most, especially if i did not know why.... or i hadn't gotten to say all the things i wanted.

 

at least if you know it is coming you can do some mental preparation and have some support systems in place.

[prfrogkisser]

This is a very interesting but, i will have to add that i believe this depends on how much of an influence emotionally did this person have in your life.

 

Im the type of person that during relationships i just get up and move along. I guess Ive grown up to be a tough person and not let anyone or anything bring me down.But I was very heart broken when my dog died. I grew up with this pet and he was very dear and special to me. Im sure if my grandmother passed away I would be so devastated and hurt because she is a very important person in my life. I have a better realtionship with her than my own mom.

 

So what im trying to say the grieving process will depend on how much this person meant to you. Thats why sometimes breaking a relationship is so hard on certain individuals.

[alphamale]

I wonder if this is reflected in the way that people grieve for the loss of a loved one. Would those who cannot cope with breakups well, also not cope well with death or vice versa? Would those who DO cope well with breakups handle death better?

I don't think there would be any corelation b_o...they are two totally different things.

[blind_otter]

According to the massive amount of research I've been doing recently on coping and loss, a loss is a loss is a loss. It is only the degree of severity that differentiates. Of course losing a partner to breakup would be to a lesser degree than losing someone to the permanence of death, but honestly loss is loss. Essentially, when you lose something you lose it. The pain that accompanies loss always requires some sort of coping.

[alphamale]

According to the massive amount of research I've been doing recently on coping and loss, a loss is a loss is a loss.

no, actually, you're incorrect.

[lindya]

According to the massive amount of research I've been doing recently on coping and loss, a loss is a loss is a loss. It is only the degree of severity that differentiates. Of course losing a partner to breakup would be to a lesser degree than losing someone to the permanence of death, but honestly loss is loss.

 

I think so too. The main difference is, I suppose, that when someone's getting over a break up they're under pressure to "unlove" the other person. To stop thinking about them, and to stop caring.

 

In the case of a bereavement, you never stop loving the person you've lost.

[laRubiaBonita]

no, actually, you're incorrect.

 

'plain yourself, Lucy......

[alphamale]

'plain yourself, Lucy......

ok, listen sister....a parent losing a child is not any "garden variety" loss per B_0's definition. Breaking up with a g/f after dating for 2 yrs is totally different than a man losing his wife of 20 yrs who bore him 3 kids. How can you compare these losses to one another? In addition, every persons reaction to loss is different and the cope in various ways.

 

To say that a loss is a loss is a loss it totally ignorant. I lost my best friend at age 21 and yes that was hard. But losing my mom to cancer was litterally devestating....it messed me up for like 5 years. The two grieving processes were totally dis-similar to me. My ma's dead was like 1,000 times worse. And....her loss also effected my brothers and father which the loss of my friend did not.

[laRubiaBonita]

It is only the degree of severity that differentiates. Of course losing a partner to breakup would be to a lesser degree than losing someone to the permanence of death, but honestly loss is loss.

 

 

That is what she said ALPHA.....

[magichands]

Everything is the same - only different.

[alphamale]

That is what she said ALPHA.....

no...there are different types of losses and there are different degrees of severity in all those losses. b_0 is saying that all losses are the same. i am saying that there is not one "garden variety loss" but that each type of loss is different and withing that difference there are varying degrees.

[mariJane]

hey guys i have been struggling with this, i just lost a lifelong friend, my job, my crush, hopefully enough is enough!

but it is hard cuz i lost my job due to the funeral and i have been wondering if i have greived properly , cuz when i found out she got sick i worked my ass off and didnt talk about it cuz they were being bitches, then around my friends i tried to be strong for them cuz you see, its my best friends ma that passed, she was ma to me i talked to her bout everything...

huh...

sigh

so then i was fired the day after the funeral and went to her grave and was really freaking out asking why screaming why and crying and there was someone having a funeral , they had to see the value of visiting i guess,

anyways i am a mess, i mean i think i am ok, but i wonder if i grieived properly i get so pisssed i worked through it all getting f'd with by this guy at work and everything

cuz

like the other day marked the month since she passed, my sister said 'that theres some elbow greese' i hadnt heardt the term elbow greese since she asked if i had some to pot flowers with her kids on mothers day, i was tired from stress at work and stayed home..

so a tear fell cuz i felt guilty for not have going..

so did i not greive right? why do i still have guilt like that, i thought there was some process and that guilt was a phase that i should be past...

anyways i put this in here

cuz ya

loss is loss,

lost job, lost guy, lost life

and i have no idea its just al l mixed up,

it is just all loss in a sense..

anyways, i will have to remember to check this post, cuz you people are generally kind, and i really have been wondering if i am ok?

thanks for understanding and letting this be interjected here...

[quankanne]

damn, MJ, sounds like you were whammied big time ... you've got my deepest condolences on the lost of your friend.

 

i wonder if i grieived properly

 

there's no real format to grieving, only that its "supposed" to be a kind of catharsis for the one experiencing it, that gradually, your heart moves from that world of hurt to one of being healed. And how that happens (regarding Otter's comment) is how well you've been prepared to deal with it.

 

I think you get a lot of direction from your family, from the world around you, from your belief system ... some people are better equipped to handle it because they've had positive examples set before them, while others flounder because there's no one to model themselves after. And that works in the event of a romantic break-up a lot like it does when you face the death of a loved one.

[basscatcher]

I have researched on this subject deeply.

The best source of info I ever received was reading a book called "How to mend a broken heart" by Dick Innes (goggle it)

 

Each person goes through the same grieving process only at different speeds and different ways. We all must go through the same processes (not in any particular order) in order to fully heal from the loss of someone we cared about.

 

The way we react to each loss can be different but the basic fundamental steps in healing from it are the same.

 

I went through sooo much loss over the past years. (I think this is normal as we get older)

The older we get the more people we know who will fall out of our lives for different reasons. Learning how to cope and heal from each loss is very important for our well-being and future quality of our lives.

 

I think understanding the grieving process is most important. We can't run from grief in our lives.. It's inevitable.. I we have to learn to allow it to happen so we can be whole with our selves and not fall into dysfunctional people which can control and ruin our future freedom of happiness.

[mariJane]

thanks so much you guys. i dont have my car payment none the less money to get a book. could you elaborate... i have lost before and stuff, i just am worried that losing my job and the b.s. the guy musta been psycho messin with me, he got to me lost him, anyways i am just not sure cuz all the losses are intertwined.

like should i stop life right now and sit here and cry over 'ma' and go through all that, i am just so confused, to make sure i am ok and dont have problems later, like should i rewind and feel the loss of a life, it was intertwined before and i am just not sure, if i should do that sit here and go through that, or say well what happened all at once did, however i got thru this month is it, i just keep going on and just of course ALWAYS no worries, no matter what i will always let myself feel things, like the elbow greese incident, you know

should i just keep doing what i am doing or am i causing damage by not stopping life for a minute and focusing on the one loss,

does that make sense, i know hardly...

basically one more try...

basically..

i know i am dealing with it in a healthy way,

i just dont know if i should rewind, stop, or something and focus on the one thing and lay down and cry again for days,,,,

ok ok this is it...

AM I OK IF I CONTINUE LIKE I AM DEALING WITH IT AS IT COMES AND GOES, IS IT OK THAT I FELT ALL THAT LOSS AT ONCE?

 

did that sound like scrambled eggs, lol

[Great Gazoo]

Sorry MJ, I lost my best friend many years ago and i know how it changed my life. What happens after is all how you grieve about it. Myself it turned my life around. He died because of alcohol. His death made me seriously think what I was going to do with my life and where I could be heading. The only problem was I went from one extreme to the other, I stopped socializing because alcohol was everywhere and I lost many years of my life just being lost, not knowing who I was anymore. Somedays I wish I could just scream at him thanks alot for ruining my life, kinda ironic seeing he's dead, other days I feel he deserted me but life goes on. You will find people in your life that will keep you going. I have a wife that never gives up on me and someone thats like a sister to me.

When we lost our baby at 6 months pregnancy last year it brought all these emotions to the surface again and I am still trying to deal with. I don't really know how to grieve. I just know its made a hole in my heart that does not even compare to my friends death. Loss is just part of life.

[mariJane]

i just read that and sounded like i never mourned... my eyes were puffy the last week of june and first half of july, i think they are starting to return to normal, just so much at once ya know? was really hard and heavy pain all mixed up at the time. thanks guys you/re real good people, good will come back to ya, i wish your lives the best.

[mariJane]

yeah thats the ironic part, everytime you learn how to cope, yet everytime that hole is just that much bigger, thanks , sorry for all your losses too( that goes for all yaz all)

 

ps i guess thats why it is so good to learn from experience, cuz if you dont that hole gets bigger and you wouldnt beable to try and keep up.

 

crazy

[basscatcher]

I feel I have some crendials to this subject matter. I was involved with a support group when I was a child until I was a senior in High School. My mother was President of a Divorce, Widowed and Seperated Support group for 4 years. She brought me into the healing process to help me learn how to understand and deal with loss. We went on many weekend long intensely focused retreats.

The suppport group is called "Beginning Experience". The symbol is the monarch butterfly.

Without this support group I would be a total and complete mess-up. I still struggle with loss and I want to fight the grieving process because it hurts so much. I know I need a push and support once in awhile even though I know the process. I'm human--after all!!.

 

Everyone grieves differently as I said before. We don't know how to handle difficulties in life if our parents didn't know how. So how and where were we suppose to learn?

 

Do research online about "coping with loss", "understanding the grieving process", "healthy grieving'. "understanding grief and loss'.

 

I can't post links here because some advertise their agencies on the websites.

Understanding what you are feeling and knowing-- from years of research, trials, life lessons, spiritual and religious teachings--you are normal in your feelings and even thoughts really helps you also.

 

If you are still feeling deep pains of grief years later then there are unresolved areas of your grieving process. It is ok to miss someone's presence but if the pain interfers with your concentration and every day life you may need to seek some help to get through it.

 

Usually knowledge helps but it doesn't always help you all the way through yoru struggles and you may need a hand to guide you through it all.

[blind_otter]

no...there are different types of losses and there are different degrees of severity in all those losses. b_0 is saying that all losses are the same. i am saying that there is not one "garden variety loss" but that each type of loss is different and withing that difference there are varying degrees.

 

No, you're wrong. If you read what I posted, I didn't say all losses are the same. Read before you write for f*ck's sake.

[blind_otter]

That said, I must say that the grieving process is always the same. Whether you lose a job, a relationship, or when you experience the death of a loved on. The intensity and duration of the grieving process differs according to the severity of the stimuli.

[quankanne]

and grief comes in waves, I've learned. You can be tootling along, doing okay, then something triggers your sense of loss. Sometimes, the grieving is mild, other times it's a full-blown hurricane that'll wipe you out. But, eventually, things go back to norm.

 

so, MJ, deal with it as it comes: if you feel like rolling up into a ball and crying, do it, so long as it doesn't interfere so much with your life that you can't function or that you want to hurt yourself, as pada says. If it makes you want to do something in remembrance of that person, that's all right, too – your body and mind will intuit how you need to express your grief. Because as I've said, grief comes in waves ...