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Maintaining Contact and Recovering? Can It Be Done?


In Sync

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As I've browsed through quite a few posts. I'm intrigued by those who have the point of view that NC is not the definitive answer or guide to a recovery from a breakup. That one can cope while still in contact with the ex. So I am asking how does one do it? A. Maintain contact with the ex (the ex being the one who has broke it off, who ended the relationship that you wanted to keep going) and B. still cope with the pain.

I'm asking this because many people feel "No Foolin's" Guide is not the only answer but yet I'd like to know honestly how do you go about handling dealing with a broken heart and voluntarily maintaining contact with the ex?

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kindredspirit

Good question. I would like to know too. It's been 8 months since we had to break up, and we are still in regular contact, but I'm still heartbroken and he's moved on. Maybe NC really is the answer.

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What I did was reduce the amount of time, so instead of calling everyday, goto a every other day slowly.

 

Refocus your attention on something else, coursework for me, and it could be a hobby to whatever.

 

I say LC not NC most of the time.

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I'm asking this because many people feel "No Foolin's" Guide is not the only answer but yet I'd like to know honestly how do you go about handling dealing with a broken heart and voluntarily maintaining contact with the ex?

 

Well, to be honest... I think it requires that the two people concerned are respectful of each other. Most of all it requires not only a degree of respect but from the ex it requires a whole load of thought, care and attention.

 

In my situation, we split two years ago now. My ex was absolutely distraught. I knew this. I knew he was devastated. However, in our circumstances (which to be honest, are rather unique) I was very angry with him. One thing I had never said to him though was I didn't love him.

 

However, that said... I conducted myself consistently and with absolute clarity. I maintained a degree of distance, avoiding all pet names, salutations on emails, etc. I avoided meeting with him unless it was unavoidable. At all costs, I tried to avoid the subject of "us". We stayed in contact because we had spent 10 years together and to be honest, we didn't split because one of us fell out of love with the other... we split because we both dealt very badly with a critical illness situation. I felt isolated and apart from him.

 

During all this time, he gained ground in that he could talk easily with me and it seemed to help him. I never once gave him any hope of reconciliation. I never once went out with him on anything which seemed like a "date" and mainly we kept our contact to discussing issues regarding our families and the house we still have.

 

In time, he began to get better. After a period of around a year we both simultaneously at the same time began dating again. For me, unfortunately rather too late, I realised that I didn't want anyone else. By this time he's already dating someone else. He'd let go of the dream that *I* would go back to him. He was healed. I wasn't.

 

What ensued in the last couple of months then was his inability to be consistent. Whereas I never gave hope of reconciliation - he did and in fact asked me about it (so who can blame me if then I'm thinking it's possible). Whereas I kept the discussions regarding "us" to a minimum and the contact with him distant - he hasn't. Instead, he's been here several times, weeping, saying he still loves me and will never stop loving me, and isn't it all an awful situation we find ourselves in and so on.

 

For me, it's hard because I believed without doubt that we would get back together. But at the time, I was so angry with him (he abandoned me during my cancer treatment and left me to deal with it alone... his company had given him 6 months paid leave and he chose instead to continue to work) that I couldn't guarantee that we would reconcile. So I did the kindest thing... I never gave him that hope. He has not afforded me the same thing.

 

So in short, yes it is possible as long as

 

  • boundaries are drawn and not crossed (ever)
  • you both know where the boundaries are
  • you realise that it is a period of 'weaning' if you like
  • you never give FALSE hope
  • you avoid going over old ground
  • you are CONSISTENT
  • no sex or intimacy - avoiding even hugs and kisses

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blind_otter

I've done both. Just to be clear the relationships I did NC with, I recovered quickly. LIke 3 months tops.

 

When I dragged it out, I often ended up getting back together and going through the same break up over and over again in slow motion for a year or more.

 

This is my experience. Take it with a grain of salt.

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Just to be clear the relationships I did NC with, I recovered quickly. Like 3 months tops.

 

I have to agree with this. In this one relationship, we've done the route of 'friends' and he recovered. I didn't and still hoped for reconciliation - even though I was the person who broke off the relationship. That's why now, I've instigated NC because I need to heal. He can't if his life depended upon it be as steadfast and consistent as I can. So, his 'feelings' and his 'friendship' has become a casualty of my healing. Sorry, it's just the way it is. I come first now. Remember that, in everything, you are the only person who can take care of you.

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but yet I'd like to know honestly how do you go about handling dealing with a broken heart and voluntarily maintaining contact with the ex?

you can't, its impossible. Now....if the contact is involuntary such as having kids togehter or working at same company then you may be able to deal with it better because you have no other choice.

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  • boundaries are drawn and not crossed (ever)
  • you both know where the boundaries are
  • you realise that it is a period of 'weaning' if you like
  • you never give FALSE hope
  • you avoid going over old ground
  • you are CONSISTENT
  • no sex or intimacy - avoiding even hugs and kisses

 

 

I read your entire post and appreciate reading your situation. And along with the list. I looked at it, and recalled how at the demise of my relationship I was nowhere near the rational capacity to do as that above list points out. I think when you are dealt the blow (finding out from your love interest it's over), we break from the common sense of that list and do 180 degrees opposite, and that's why its more difficult to recover.

I look at the line regarding realise it is a period of weaning. Perfect sense. No doubt about it. But during the actual time, I was in Denial with a capital "D". So for myself NC was line out of sheer salvation. Cold Turkey. I was hurting so bad from my contact that NC was like finally taking the hand out of the fire. Thanks Chinook for the input here! I just don't know how many are strong enough to abide by those points when hurting. Honestly.

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phyrespryte
As I've browsed through quite a few posts. I'm intrigued by those who have the point of view that NC is not the definitive answer or guide to a recovery from a breakup. That one can cope while still in contact with the ex. So I am asking how does one do it? A. Maintain contact with the ex (the ex being the one who has broke it off, who ended the relationship that you wanted to keep going) and B. still cope with the pain.

I'm asking this because many people feel "No Foolin's" Guide is not the only answer but yet I'd like to know honestly how do you go about handling dealing with a broken heart and voluntarily maintaining contact with the ex?

 

It's possible. Just like giving birth without painkillers or having your teeth pulled without novacaine. It's just better to get it out of your system w/o the stress.

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It's possible. Just like giving birth without painkillers or having your teeth pulled without novacaine. It's just better to get it out of your system w/o the stress.

 

 

:laugh: I gather you are saying NC is the novacaine.

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In Synch, I completely agree with you - this is why that list has to be the domain of the person who breaks off the relationship. They are the person most likely to be thinking clearly. The person who breaks off the relationship has to take that responsibility because they are the one who took the responsibility for breaking up... but also they are less likely to be 'in denial' and more likely to think clearly. That's why the person who is doing the breaking up has to be consistent and never give false hope or mixed messages. Most importantly, that person has to be patient.

 

For my own 2c though, NC works much better. A clean straight forward break is always better than a messy, hard to heal one.

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Only in my opinion, the following:

 

Unnecessary contact with an ex stands much risk even with defined boundaries, due to the obvious fact that we're dealing with human emotions, -after a breakup, here.

 

Emotions that are not quite certain about anything our good sense may tell us.

 

Example:

 

Say you and the ex have decided to part on good terms, go your separate ways, and respectfully promise not to care what the other is doing with his/her life.

 

You agree that, from time to time you will speak to each other, and maybe see each other 'just for old times sake'.

 

One or both of you state to your friends that it's an amicable break and that you still 'care' about each other, i.e. you don't wish hell would open up and swallow the other, nor that the ex winds up in a terrible accident and has to live the rest of his/her life as a human vegetable.

 

So, with the ground rules set, you smile about it, feel pretty 'comfortable' with the whole thing and go about 'getting on with your life'.

 

He dives back into the single life, so does she.

 

Or maybe not.

 

You see, one or the other of them is most likely to be the 'lagger', -the one who secretly didn't feel so comfortable with the friendly agreement, after all, -but didn't have the guts to admit it outloud to anyone, especially the ex, because, there was this nagging sense of hope in rebuilding the relationship that just wouldn't go away and , to be a trendy, 'stand-up' guy or girl about the 'friends' arrangement, he/she just went along with it.

 

After all, it actually looked like opportunity, -maybe becoming friends will change him/her and reconciliation might happen...someday.

 

You run into each other 'out' one day, and lo and behold, there's a new 'someone' snuggled tight against your old ex, -the one you're still burning a secret candle for, and it doesn't feel so good to stand there and try to smile through all of that.

 

You suck it up and smile anyway.

 

Brave you. You even managed to get out a few nice ('friendly', mind you) words to the both of them.

 

Then you can't get it out of your mind.

 

You're hurt by it, but you're too chicken to admit it.

 

You feel you have to be 'mature' and live up to the agreement to be 'friends'.

 

And you also have to face your little secret, too, -the one where you still had secret hopes that, if you agreed to be 'friends', that it might give you time to rebuild the relationship back.

 

You then, have to stuff it all in, and burn with the pain of it.

 

Here's the reality: one of you is going to really, truly burn the bridges...the other fool will lie to himself/herself, agree to nearly anything, and set him/herself up for a big dose of the real world months later, when the ex has happily moved waaaaay on down the road.

 

He/she will be sure and send you an invitation to the wedding, too -you can be certain of that- because you are such good 'friends'. Remember to wear something especially nice....and bring plenty of tissue for the good cry later, and a pair of sunglasses to cover your swollen eyes. And don't forget to swallow something to calm you down during the "I do's".

 

And here's the grit that grinds you even more: when you tell yourself this kind of lie -that you can still be 'friends' with the ex- *he/she doesn't know, nor do they care about the sorry shape you're in*, because, friendship, to them, is often just an opportunity for them to use you as a stepping stone until they can find another bedwarmer.

 

Point: I wonder how many who have agreed to the friendship thing, wound up sleeping with the ex while he/she was 'between' new girlfriends? Or even during the latest new fling?

 

Friendship?

 

Sounds more like self-punishment, to me.

 

Crossing boundaries?

 

Look, *agreeing to 'friendship' often sets you up to get those boundaries crossed.*

 

Every one of them.

 

Become 'friends' and learn for yourself.

 

Hope this helps someone look at the reality of jumping headfirst into the friends thing.

 

The alternative to being 'friends'? Be ***civil*** instead.

 

It's all the generosity and grace that's needed.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

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Rio described a situation I was in, when I was in college. Not a easy feeling to deal with. Especially for a guy, don't want to hear about her escapades.

 

Even when she "promised" not to cross the boundaries, it was still crossed. Even today I do not call her, she calls once in awhile to say HI to "man hunt" or needs help.

 

I felt them all:

  • Sounds more like self-punishment, to me.
  • *agreeing to 'friendship' often sets you up to get those boundaries crossed.*
  • The alternative to being 'friends'? Be ***civil*** instead.

 

I would like to add, try to not care about them; otherwise you may fall back in. If it is their dying wise it is one thing. If they need a surrogate soccer dad, I would say NO.

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Thanks to all for your insightful responses to this post. I put the question out there becaause I was just a beginning to wonder was there a way to get through this healing without NC. I personally (from my own experience) did not see how one could get over anyone whom you loved, craved, desired, cried endlessly about without NC. My feeble attempt at being his friend was just that feeble attempt..and caused me more heartache on top of heartache and that is why I contributed to a longer healing process as a result.

Chinook's list (and you must go back and read her earlier post on this thread) was about the closest way to maintaining the two worlds recovering with contact...BUT one must be emotionally rational after a breakup and how many of us are that when the breakup is devastating to you in the first place.

And if I understood Chinook's later post it is also something a mature and respectful partner must abide by as well...that's like finding a unicorn in the Grand Canyon.. I'd say:laugh:

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re:

 

InSync: " My feeble attempt at being his friend was just that feeble attempt..and caused me more heartache on top of heartache and that is why I contributed to a longer healing process as a result.

Chinook's list (and you must go back and read her earlier post on this thread) was about the closest way to maintaining the two worlds recovering with contact...BUT one must be emotionally rational after a breakup and how many of us are that when the breakup is devastating to you in the first place.

And if I understood Chinook's later post it is also something a mature and respectful partner must abide by as well...that's like finding a unicorn in the Grand Canyon.. I'd say.."

 

 

(Smile)

 

And I'd saaaay...that you have a well-conceived experiential first-hand knowledge and understanding of 'NC' -what it takes to establish it and maintain it: the realization and "coming to terms" with your position, the gruelling effort, the day-by-day nanosecond progression....-but most of all, *the results*... the "coming out on the other side".

 

A whole -and happy- person again.

 

I'm proud of your deepened understanding, InSync, it's been one of the main reasons recently driving your progress.

 

('nother BIG smile)

 

-Rio

 

P.S. But -should someone happen to run across that unicorn in the Grand Canyon, -let me know...I've been looking and haven't had any luck...he would be such a 'keeper'...and I've always been fascinated with that big horn......(smile)...;)

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re:

 

 

 

 

(Smile)

 

And I'd saaaay...that you have a well-conceived experiential first-hand knowledge and understanding of 'NC' -what it takes to establish it and maintain it: the realization and "coming to terms" with your position, the gruelling effort, the day-by-day nanosecond progression....-but most of all, *the results*... the "coming out on the other side".

 

A whole -and happy- person again.

 

I'm proud of your deepened understanding, InSync, it's been one of the main reasons recently driving your progress.

 

('nother BIG smile)

 

-Rio

 

P.S. But -should someone happen to run across that unicorn in the Grand Canyon, -let me know...I've been looking and haven't had any luck...he would be such a 'keeper'...and I've always been fascinated with that big horn......(smile)...;)

 

 

Isn't it strange that to get to this point of realization (my 'ah ha!' moment) I had to go through so much pain? You'd think there would have been an easier way.....

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