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Want to stop hoping....[sorry for the long post]


hopeboundheart

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hopeboundheart

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the board and need help dealing with my emotions. It's been nearly 2 months since my ex (we're both 27) of 8 months dumped me via email. We were friends for 3 years before and hit it off well from the start cos we share many common interests. But i had to move overseas within a year of getting to know him due to family commitments and at that time, i was attracted to him but i just kept it to myself.

 

During my time overseas, we reminded in contact via email and msn and out of the blue he blurted out in his email that he had missed me after i left. Then he invited me to visit him and attend his graduation ceremony and i did where i was quite overwhelmed being introduced to his family, including his estranged father. During my visit, he confessed his feelings and we became intimate. On hindsight, i was stupid to throw myself at him but he was the first guy i was seriously attracted to in after being single for a long time. However, on the day i was leaving, he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship with me and prefer that we remained friends. His excuse: he's starting life anew with a new job in a different environment which hurt me bitterly and only remained in contact with him sparingly.

 

After over two months of little contact, he sent me an email begging for forgiveness for all he had said and asked if i could give him a chance. I told him then it would mean that we would be in a LDR and asked him repeatedly if he's willing to wait 2 years for me. I was clear to him that i didn't want to waste his time but he insisted that he would wait till i move back. Thus, from that point our weird LDR started. It was weird in the sense that we remain in sparse contact and most of the contacts were initiated by me. He never called me once the whole time i was overseas and i was the one doing the calling. But due to the fact that i was saving to move back, i could only call him once in two weeks. Add to the fact that he has irregular working hours made it harder to stay in contact but i perservered.

 

In early Feb, i was able to take 2 weeks off work and flew over to visit him. He arranged to take time off too and we had a wonderful time (or so i thought). Although there were times during my second visit where his actions and words made me wonder if i actually have a future with him. When i left i was a total emo wreck and cried for 5 days straight and he consoled me on my last day that i would be move back and be with him in a couple of months.

 

However, two weeks exactly after i left him, he sent me an email and told me it's too painful for him to wait for me. He also admitted that he went out and had opportunities with other women but he didn't pursue them cos he felt guilty. He wrote that he was lonely during our LDR, something he never told me. To add insult to injury, he said the relationship could have worked out in the past but he wouldn't elaborate how it could and told me to stop contacting him and we can no longer be friends cos he does not want to be reminded abt what could have been. The best part in his email was that he wrote that he RESPECTS me and he wished me all the best in my future. After reading his email, i tried in vain to reach him on his mobile but he wouldn't answer. In the end, i managed to contact him after getting his landline number from a mutual friend. He was very evasive on the phone after realising it was me and tried to hang up on me several times. He told me bluntly that nothing i can do will change his mind and that he does not want to get involved with me ever again. I reminded him of that i wrote to him the day before that my period has been late for 2 weeks since i returned. He coldly told me he will be responsible but he does not want to have anything to do with me even if i was really pregnant (i wasn't fortunately, the delay was due to stress) Since the last phonecall, i have been on strict NC barring the one time i replied to his sms to let him know that i'm not pregnant. I deleted all his emails, msgs and contacts and tried to move on. However, a part of me is hoping that he will do a backflip like he did before while another part of me wants nothing to do with him anymore ever after he walked over me like i am a doormat.

 

Since then, i've joined a gym and been immensing myself in work and studies. However, there are days i would miss him and wished he would change his mind. Today, the hoping part is enveloping me. I know it's wrong of me to habour such thoughts but i can't stop myself. I admit i wasn't the perfect gf especially for neglecting him but does it warrant such treatment? How can i let go? This is so painful :( He made me feel like a utter failure and a piece of trash. How is it possible one can just walk out of another person's life just like that? The worst part is i can't even bring myself to hate him after all he had done and i want him back.

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