I need some

[taylor3205]

To cut a long story short me and my ex of 7 years split up 6 months ago. I was devastated, still not completely over it, still have days where I cry about it but I was starting to put it behind me and look to the future. Spent a month or so contacting him and trying to win him back until I found out he was with someone else which was a turning point. Over and over for good, NC all the way, no hope whatsoever of making it work!! So dragged myself thru the days and slowly and surely started to feel a bit better.

 

Today after 4 month of strict NC I get in touch with him (asked a friend of his to ask him to get in touch with me rather). Well the reason why I did this is beccause I heard off somebody that he had said a couple of malicious, spiteful and untrue things to my auntie, i was mad. I wanted to hear it from the horses mouth. Well he phoned, at first it was ice cold between us, he left me, found sum1 else and he had hurt me beyond belief I had no intention of making smalltalk just wanted to know the truth and end the call. He told me he hadnt said them things and I believe him. He told me that I knew him and that I knew he wouldnt do anything like that. I said I thought at one point I knew him but it turns out that I dont, and he said I did know him. He then asked if my nana was ok as she is in hospital, I told him not to ask me things like that. He asked why and I told him that he neednt pretend to care when he doesent, he said he did care and he still does and started to cry (so did I). I said our relationship was a sham and the only true feelings were on my part, he was upset and said they werent. I told him how much I loved him and how much he meant to me and he said 'I know that now'. He then asked me if I still had the dogs, I said yes, he asked if he could come and see them.....I didnt know what to say and was silent, he said he would understand if I was too hurt. I said I would let him know via the friend of his. We then just started talking about general stuff. I asked if he was still with someone else and he reluctantly said yes, I asked if he loved them, said he didnt want to answer and I just said to be honest with me. He said yes he did love them slightly but in a different way, then said but theres other stuff, I said what other stuff and he said he didnt want to go into it over the phone. I said ok and we talked about something else. I then said I would let him know about the dogs and we said our goodbyes, this all lasted about half an hour, this is just a watered down version :0)

 

Been crying all night thinking about it. 6 months ago I was someone who he really did not want to talk to, I was the one asking him to come n visit with him making excuses why he couldnt or reluctantly agreeing sometimes. I was the one phoning him, I felt like I was a nuisance to him. He was unemotional as I told him I loved him etc. He would not tell me anything personal at all and was completely cold.

 

Tonight on the phone just felt like a whole completely different story. Him starting to cry, him asking ME if he could come n visit, him telling me he knows NOW how much I love him, him saying how much he still does care about me. I dont know what to do. Am I reading too much into it? I mean he literally got me off his back, I stopped all contact and resigned myself to the fact it was over. Completely different attitude.

 

I would do anything to try and make a go of things, I dont care what anyone says but I wont ever love anyone like I love him. I didnt come across like that on the phone tho, I didnt even mention anything about reconciling. I just told him what he meant to me. I was just honest.

 

I just feel confused and hurt. I know if we could work things out, it would take time to fully trust each other again. I mean he is asking to come and visit. He knows how much he hurt me, he knows how much he still means to me and he knows that I am happy when I am with him and he knows the impact our split had on me. He didnt want to give me an ounce of false hope 4 month ago, he is a nice person and I know that he truly wouldnt hurt anyone on purpose. But why is he crying to me, telling me he cares, telling me he knows how much I love him now, telling me personal stuff and wanting to come and visit? When he is with someone else and after 6 months of him leaving and 4 months of NC? 6 months ago was like talking to a block of ice.

 

I want him to come so bad, I just dont think I could take the rejection from him again. I dont know what to do. I love him and he knows it.

 

I know if I left someone and broke their heart and was with somebody else and was completely happy I would not be acting like he is.

[taylor3205]

I dont know what to do. He knows I want him back, he knows Im still not over him. He knows he means the world to me. Its a small town, people talk, we know the same people. We have known each other since we were kids. There is a bond between us. I cut him out of my life and now this. Feel soo low tonight, my nana is in bad shape spent all day at hospital. Theres nothing I would want more than to be in his arms right now.

 

He opened up to me tonight, I now miss him like I did when he first left. Was the things he said and the way he said them. I dont know what to do? If he didnt open up to me and say them things I would not feel like this. For god sake, I coped with him leaving, I coped with him being with someone else. I was starting to make plans for a future without him, I implemented and was sticking to NC and now this. All I want now is to be with him, I want him to be a part of my future. I got the feeling he wasnt entirely happy and he is not the type of person to just use me for emotional support. I seen how upset he was that he felt like he had to do what he done anyway, it was hard for both of us. I dont think he would risk stiring the hornets nest so to speak just for the sake of seeing the dog!

 

I suppose what Im asking is do you think I am seeing something that isnt there?

[In Sync]

Are you serious? I mean because what are ou doing to yourself. Why O why did you repick the wound that was healing? Sorry..I understand that you loved him, I understand that him betraying you was awful..but this man cried crocodile tears and you think he's changed? You were in a vulnerable state especially when a loved one is ill or sick (this being your nana) and natually you want to be comforted. So it's hard to resist he ex, BUT this man is really who you want. Think about it. He left you to hook up with another woman, and now behind her back he's "playing" you. Getting you hooked again. Uh, this man has zero character.

You went back to square one breaking NC. Look, he's not a robot, sure he has feelings and he opened up...big F**king deal, he wanted to talk, but that doesn't change his character. We tend to tink that bs artist don't have feelings..of course they have moments of reflection..but after how he betrayed you and is willing to what "leave the person he's now with" tomorrow he'll give her crocodile tears. Words are designed to manipulate you and mess up your mind. Now you will do anything to build case for this guy because you reopened a wound. You are setting yourself backwards and tormenting yourself because you want to believe this player.

In case I haven't made myself clear...yes you are seeing something that AIN'T there.

Let that other woman clean up his mess keep the dogs and run like hell fro this guy!

[taylor3205]

Are you serious? I mean because what are ou doing to yourself. Why O why did you repick the wound that was healing? Sorry..I understand that you loved him, I understand that him betraying you was awful..but this man cried crocodile tears and you think he's changed? You were in a vulnerable state especially when a loved one is ill or sick (this being your nana) and natually you want to be comforted. So it's hard to resist he ex, BUT this man is really who you want. Think about it. He left you to hook up with another woman, and now behind her back he's "playing" you. Getting you hooked again. Uh, this man has zero character.

You went back to square one breaking NC. Look, he's not a robot, sure he has feelings and he opened up...big F**king deal, he wanted to talk, but that doesn't change his character. We tend to tink that bs artist don't have feelings..of course they have moments of reflection..but after how he betrayed you and is willing to what "leave the person he's now with" tomorrow he'll give her crocodile tears. Words are designed to manipulate you and mess up your mind. Now you will do anything to build case for this guy because you reopened a wound. You are setting yourself backwards and tormenting yourself because you want to believe this player.

In case I haven't made myself clear...yes you are seeing something that AIN'T there.

Let that other woman clean up his mess keep the dogs and run like hell fro this guy!

 

Hi,

 

Thank your for your opinion. However I have gave serious thought to what you say and I can honestly not see a reason why he would 'play' me. Fair enough if it was some guy I was infatuated with that I had only been with for 6 to 12 months that I harldy knew, I wouldnt even give him the time of day let alone want to get back with him if that were the case, no mstter how much I thought I loved him. BUT I was with this person for 7 years!! He was faithful in all that time and most of them 7 years were good. We lived together for 5 years and knew each other inside and out. Things just got bad between us for 6 months or so before we broke up, looking back now I should have seen it coming and I did know things werent right (nothing that was irrepairable though). I do not believe he is playing me. He has only been with his new partner for a few months, what is a few months compared to 7 years? Nothing!!

 

When he first left I done some cringeworthy things as Im sure we all have, I walked on eggshells everytime I talked to him being as nice as pie and If I even showed the slightest sign of anger he would just hang up on me and/or be nasty back. I was reduced to grovelling really. However I implemented NC and was doing well. Living life for me, eliminating him and most thoughts of him from my mind, I started to believe he wasnt who I thought he was, focused on his bad points (which are still there I suppose but no one is perfect, we all have bad and good points). And no I am not that desperate for a relationship or companionship, people have shown me interest since we split but I am just not interested. People stopped mentioning him to me, I stopped talking about him and focused on improving myself and my situation. I obviously still missed him sometimes, particulary at stressful times when I could have used a nice big hug from him but apart from that I was getting there. I was coping with it. I wasnt as happy as I was when I was with him but I was making progress on my own.

 

I was nasty to him on the phone the other night, I was raging and stressed. Now if I had talked to him like I talked to him the other night a few months ago he wouldve hung up on me straight away or been as equally cold and nasty back. But he didnt, he broke down and showed me emotion. He has absolutely nothing to gain from playing me, he has sex on tap and is in a relationship with someone. He could have used me months ago if he was that type of person and I wouldve let him then, but he didnt.

 

He wanted out of the relationship 6 months ago and repeatedly told me it was over and over for good. Im sure I became a bit of a pain for him then, I was giving him unwanted attention, harrasing him, stalking him call it what you will. He left everything we had, me, the house, the dogs, the lot. Like I say I gave up after 2 months when I found out he was with someone new and Im sure he was relieved, he had finally got me out of his hair. Free to carry on doing what he wanted, I was out of his life. I had no intention at all of trying to get back in it when I spoke to him either. He knew how much i was hurt, how much I so wanted things to work and he knows that deep down I do actually still love him.

 

Would he risk stiring the past up and all the mess of the breakup and all the emotions and risk me starting to 'pester' him again all for the sake of a quick shag or to see a dog and why did he say the things he did?? I really dont think he would.

 

I know he is kind hearted and he is the type of person to shy away from confrontations and problems. He allways has been. He does not like hurting people and does not have a malicious bone in his body. He was guilty he left me and hurt me in the first place. Would he also run the risk of hurting me again to see a dog?

 

He knows me, yes we have been split up for 6 month but he still knows me through and through.

 

I suppose only I know what is what and any decision I make is ultimately down to me. I just want some peoples opinions of the situation. I have already said he can come and visit and he is coming on thursday. One thing I do have now is self respect and I could forgive him for hurting me like he did. I dont think you get that many chances of love in life and I dont want to turn my back on even the slightest chance we can work things out. Saying that though I am not a doormat and wont just be falling at his every word but I am prepared to take a chance to get back what we had. I believe he is my soulmate, we just have to work through a couple of issues and if we can, it will work. We click, I feel comfortable with him and him me.

 

I just cant seem to work out his motives. If everything he said is sincere, the only reason I can think of him saying what he said and coming to visit and being upset is that he is missing me and still has very strong feelings and dare I say it, regrets what he did.

[In Sync]

I'm confused. Did he call you or did you get in contact with him? Do you think this relationship can withstand what you have described to say the least rather tumultuous breakup.

Are you looking for people to side with you? I mean, I'm just calling it as I see it based on what you wrote. Now you seem to justify any actions and empathize with him... obviously you want to get back with him, but does your gut reaction honestly say...Yeah this guy is a the one. He's dependable. He'll do right by me.

I don't say the man's incapable of being emotional (he 's human, but humans have mastered how to manipulate one another fo our own selfish purposes)...bMaybe all that glitters is not gold with the new gal he's got. So there's regret that he ended things with you. Does that mean he's changed completely. Did he work on himself? Or is he just looking to get out of another situation and with you he's seeking security. A comfort zone.

Did you ever think he's taking you for granted?

[taylor3205]

I'm confused. Did he call you or did you get in contact with him?

 

I asked his friend to get in touch with me. Didnt wanna pressure him or put him on the spot and wasnt really sure if he would want too.

 

Do you think this relationship can withstand what you have described to say the least rather tumultuous breakup.

 

I dont know. But something has put us back in touch with one another and he asked if he could come to my house. Fate? I dont know, if its meant to be its meant to be.

 

Are you looking for people to side with you? I mean, I'm just calling it as I see it based on what you wrote. Now you seem to justify any actions and empathize with him... obviously you want to get back with him, but does your gut reaction honestly say...Yeah this guy is a the one. He's dependable. He'll do right by me.

 

I dont know.

 

I don't say the man's incapable of being emotional (he 's human, but humans have mastered how to manipulate one another fo our own selfish purposes)...bMaybe all that glitters is not gold with the new gal he's got. So there's regret that he ended things with you. Does that mean he's changed completely. Did he work on himself? Or is he just looking to get out of another situation and with you he's seeking security. A comfort zone.

Did you ever think he's taking you for granted?

 

He is the same person he was but thats why I love him. We all make mistakes. I dont know his intentions Im just going on what was said. And yes I felt like he took me for granted at the end off the relationship.

[In Sync]

I asked his friend to get in touch with me. Didnt wanna pressure him or put him on the spot and wasnt really sure if he would want too.

 

 

 

I dont know. But something has put us back in touch with one another and he asked if he could come to my house. Fate? I dont know, if its meant to be its meant to be.

 

 

 

I dont know.

 

 

 

He is the same person he was but thats why I love him. We all make mistakes. I dont know his intentions Im just going on what was said. And yes I felt like he took me for granted at the end off the relationship.

 

Look my ex is probably the same person he was, unless he's done some deep soul searching on the topof a Tibetan mountain. And I admit there were qualities that I liked despite the negative qualiies he harboured. In my case I get sentimental about his 'good time charlie' ways, but when I really reflect I say hey he did not behave right by me. So yeah all humans make mistake but I don't need nor desire to recapture the past person to seek remedy it. Your case is different. You want to give him a chance. There are no guarantees in life..he may have chnaged for the better, but that doesn't stop you from proceeding with caution. Go to counseling. What was the root cause of your initial breakup. Time apart gave you two the chance to review what transpired with less anger or bitterness, yet did the issues that got you there in the first place disappear?

Smile it's a brighter day isn't it? spring is in the air.

[taylor3205]

Look my ex is probably the same person he was, unless he's done some deep soul searching on the topof a Tibetan mountain. And I admit there were qualities that I liked despite the negative qualiies he harboured. In my case I get sentimental about his 'good time charlie' ways, but when I really reflect I say hey he did not behave right by me. So yeah all humans make mistake but I don't need nor desire to recapture the past person to seek remedy it. Your case is different. You want to give him a chance. There are no guarantees in life..he may have chnaged for the better, but that doesn't stop you from proceeding with caution. Go to counseling. What was the root cause of your initial breakup. Time apart gave you two the chance to review what transpired with less anger or bitterness, yet did the issues that got you there in the first place disappear?

Smile it's a brighter day isn't it? spring is in the air.

 

He started working lots of hours. Didnt see him much, when he was home he watched tv downstairs while I sat upstairs on the PC most of the time. On his days off we never had any money to go anywhere or do anything. I used to nag him about all the housework etc as he didnt do anything unless I nagged him but the last thing he wanted on his time off was to do anything like that (which I understand, but I werent asking him to do a lot just help a little) but that didnt stop me getting sick of doing it all myself and taking it out on him. This caused tention between us. He didnt drive so I drove him everywhere and I felt like a glorified taxi driver and maid. When we actually did have the money to do anything and go places together it wasnt as fun anymore because of the tention between us. We stopped enjoying each others company basically, started arguing over silly little things. I started to feel like he didnt care about me. He also hated his job. Now it was only like this for the last 6 months or so of our relationship.

 

We got together when I was 22 and he was 17. I had went through the phase of going out every weekend week after week partying. He didnt have that. When he first left me he was drinking and partying and out every weekend. It was like everything we had together was a burden and he finnally got rid of it, he said it was like a weight off his shoulders when he left and when I actually started thinking straight again, I have to agree. I can understand how he felt because I felt like that too although I had no intention of leaving. He is now 24 and Im 28, he is now with a 19 yr old. One of the things he said when he left was that he was leaving me now and hopefully we could be friends in time but if he stayed we would end up hating each other and he didnt want that and also that if we couldnt live together we couldnt have a relationship. On the odd occasions when he went out with his friends I was pissed off because I was sitting in, and when I went out with mine he was pissed off because he wasnt going out. Money was tight, we couldnt just splash out whenever we felt like it. We still had good days but they became less frequent. Now I wouldnt want this back, but I would want back what we had before, whether that is possible or not I do not know. I would like to think it is. So these are the issues that drove us apart.

 

A lot of water has passed under the bridge over the last 6 months and I feel a lot stronger now than I have for a long time. We just needed to take time out for us and spend more time together. Im sure he felt like he was missing out on life by not going out on the town every weekend. Another thing he said was that he wanted to live his life. I get the impression he began to feel like he was stuck in a rut with me. He apologised all the time for having to hurt me.

 

I started to put it all behind me. He made his wants, intentions and feelings clear. Some days I started to think it was for the best and others missed him like crazy. I was just infuriated when I heard what he was supposed to have said, he put me through so much pain by leaving and now I thought he was being malicious about me (which I never thought he would do). I started to feel like he had become a completely different person to the one I was with. My intention was to find out if this was true, but my conversation with him showed me he is still the same person I thought he was and allways has been. I was just shocked when he started crying and said how much he did care and still cares (not love but care), then asked if I still had the dogs through tears and then asked if he could come and see them. I told him how much he meant to me, and how much I did love him and still do, he said 'I know that now'.

 

I had put the barriers up regarding my feelings towards him, I had to, to get through it. What he said broke them down in 5 minutes flat. It brought all the feelings I have flooding back and he knows when I see him it will do the same.

 

If he showed me the slightest bit of caring or emotion when he broke up with me it was allways followed by but its still over and theres no going back and that he wasnt giving me false hope because there was no hope. I let him go.

 

And now this. It seemed like any tears he shed months ago were tears of frustration. This time he was geniuinely upset.

 

He didnt say he wanted to get back with me, and he used the dogs as an excuse to visit. But I did get the impression there was something he wasnt telling me. I asked if he loved the new person and he said slightly but in a different way but thers other stuff, I asked what other stuff and he said he didnt want to talk about it on the phone. What would that tell you if you were in my position. He has plenty of friends if he needed a confidant or a shoulder to cry on, why me? These things all make me think he regrets what he did. But I dont know for sure, guess I will just have to wait and see.

 

On top of all that my nans just been put on life support machine this afternoon. I havent felt this terrible in a long while. Although your right its not all doom and gloom and like I say Im a lot stronger person now.

[In Sync]

He started working lots of hours. Didnt see him much, when he was home he watched tv downstairs while I sat upstairs on the PC most of the time. On his days off we never had any money to go anywhere or do anything. I used to nag him about all the housework etc as he didnt do anything unless I nagged him but the last thing he wanted on his time off was to do anything like that (which I understand, but I werent asking him to do a lot just help a little) but that didnt stop me getting sick of doing it all myself and taking it out on him. This caused tention between us. He didnt drive so I drove him everywhere and I felt like a glorified taxi driver and maid. When we actually did have the money to do anything and go places together it wasnt as fun anymore because of the tention between us. We stopped enjoying each others company basically, started arguing over silly little things. I started to feel like he didnt care about me. He also hated his job. Now it was only like this for the last 6 months or so of our relationship.

 

We got together when I was 22 and he was 17. I had went through the phase of going out every weekend week after week partying. He didnt have that. When he first left me he was drinking and partying and out every weekend. It was like everything we had together was a burden and he finnally got rid of it, he said it was like a weight off his shoulders when he left and when I actually started thinking straight again, I have to agree. I can understand how he felt because I felt like that too although I had no intention of leaving. He is now 24 and Im 28, he is now with a 19 yr old. One of the things he said when he left was that he was leaving me now and hopefully we could be friends in time but if he stayed we would end up hating each other and he didnt want that and also that if we couldnt live together we couldnt have a relationship. On the odd occasions when he went out with his friends I was pissed off because I was sitting in, and when I went out with mine he was pissed off because he wasnt going out. Money was tight, we couldnt just splash out whenever we felt like it. We still had good days but they became less frequent. Now I wouldnt want this back, but I would want back what we had before, whether that is possible or not I do not know. I would like to think it is. So these are the issues that drove us apart.

 

A lot of water has passed under the bridge over the last 6 months and I feel a lot stronger now than I have for a long time. We just needed to take time out for us and spend more time together. Im sure he felt like he was missing out on life by not going out on the town every weekend. Another thing he said was that he wanted to live his life. I get the impression he began to feel like he was stuck in a rut with me. He apologised all the time for having to hurt me.

 

I started to put it all behind me. He made his wants, intentions and feelings clear. Some days I started to think it was for the best and others missed him like crazy. I was just infuriated when I heard what he was supposed to have said, he put me through so much pain by leaving and now I thought he was being malicious about me (which I never thought he would do). I started to feel like he had become a completely different person to the one I was with. My intention was to find out if this was true, but my conversation with him showed me he is still the same person I thought he was and allways has been. I was just shocked when he started crying and said how much he did care and still cares (not love but care), then asked if I still had the dogs through tears and then asked if he could come and see them. I told him how much he meant to me, and how much I did love him and still do, he said 'I know that now'.

 

I had put the barriers up regarding my feelings towards him, I had to, to get through it. What he said broke them down in 5 minutes flat. It brought all the feelings I have flooding back and he knows when I see him it will do the same.

 

If he showed me the slightest bit of caring or emotion when he broke up with me it was allways followed by but its still over and theres no going back and that he wasnt giving me false hope because there was no hope. I let him go.

 

And now this. It seemed like any tears he shed months ago were tears of frustration. This time he was geniuinely upset.

 

He didnt say he wanted to get back with me, and he used the dogs as an excuse to visit. But I did get the impression there was something he wasnt telling me. I asked if he loved the new person and he said slightly but in a different way but thers other stuff, I asked what other stuff and he said he didnt want to talk about it on the phone. What would that tell you if you were in my position. He has plenty of friends if he needed a confidant or a shoulder to cry on, why me? These things all make me think he regrets what he did. But I dont know for sure, guess I will just have to wait and see.

 

On top of all that my nans just been put on life support machine this afternoon. I havent felt this terrible in a long while. Although your right its not all doom and gloom and like I say Im a lot stronger person now.

 

I am slightly older than you (though I will never tell unless tortured! )so trust me I am speaking from a little bit of experience. No matter what I or anyone else says can change a person's mind that is already made up. But since you have revealed your situation, I will out of human respect and descently tell you my thoughts. Mind you, you ain't gotta listen or adhere!

Now you are too young in your life for being a mom to this boy. Period. Since I don't know him my feeling is this. He is young and doing his thang. You obviously from your past with him, do love him, but you wanted a man who is responsible. At his age ( personally if I was a guy and single with no kids..I might be less inclined to be so responsible.. afterall life is young) But it sounds like that despite your love and geniunine affection you also wanted a man who took responsibility in this thing we call relationship. Sometimes a relationship is not just all about sex and partying it's about who does this in the home and yes financial input from both parties into the relationship. (they don't show that part in the movies) This is nothing to hide or pretend you don't want. Or ignore.

As I have pointed out before yes he has feelings, he's human, he's not a criminal but at the end of the day you are at different places in your lives...by the way he figured that solving whatever your problems were before the solution was with going to a 19 year old, grasped that thought.

Does that mean anything to you?

Look, you miss him because you spent years with him, but seven years or one year can lead people to grow different directions. Figure out what you want from him in this relationship. Because you may be wanting something down the line of a serious partner..does he want the same. This is beyond just missing him..and what's more I think you know it.

[taylor3205]

Thanks Insync for responding to my post. Were giving things another go. 2nd Chances really do happen. Wish me luck.:0)

[In Sync]

Of course Best of Luck to You!