Sad tonight when I should be feeling accomplished

[KittenMoon]

When my exbf and I broke up, I signed up for a writing class to help me cope. He knows about it, since our break up took place over a period of about a week. I told him I had decided that if we actually broke up, I would HAVE to do it.

 

Tonight I finished my short story that I will be handing in for critique on Tuesday evening. I wrote for nearly 4 hours straight to finish it up, very much in the "zone" (any creative person will understand this- it's like being high).

 

But instead of feeling accomplished, I am feeling extremely low, because my immediate reaction has been to call him up and tell him I finally finished, knowing that before our break up he would have been so proud and happy for me (he's one of those people that likes accomplishment). Instead, I cannot call him and it's making me feel so sad. It's one more reminder of what I've lost. There's a distinct feeling I've been having lately that if I had been more productive, less stagnant as a person over the months before the split, he would have not pulled away from me like he did. We both started out as art majors in college, although he switched to engineering. Still, the act of creating has always been a significant thing to both of us. I made my art projects, from design to pottery to jewelry. He applied his creative nature to engineering- even signing up for a metals/jewelry course and baffling his instructor by making copper heat sinks for a computer coolant system

 

Anyways, he was happiest when he was making something. So was I. We were very happy when we made things together, such as the vast amounts of jam we'd made from local fruit the past two summers.

 

I thought I'd be happy finishing this story, and while I am happy with the result, it's not the same. I'm being pulled down low again.

 

After two months I thought I would have stopped wanting to pick up the phone and call him, and that I would have stopped expecting him to call or stop by as if nothing had happened. But that expectation is STILL there, as if my brain just can't comprehend.

 

I miss him and I want to share my creation with him, but I can't. I'm so sad tonight.

[Apathetic]

Awww :hugs:......Sorry to hear youre having a hard time,I know what you mean though..whenever something important happens I feel the urge to call my ex & tell him,as if he actually cares right now.For some reason I am stuck in what WAS & not what IS...Im not sure if theres anything I can say to comfort you but just know you arent alone!..Im sitting here missing my ex like crazzzyy & since Ive had a few drinks,the urge to drunk dial him is there bt something is wrong with my phone line & i cant make calls,so thats good!

 

just hang in there..im with you:)

[KittenMoon]

At least there will be no drunk dialing for me. I've been off of alcohol since my break-up. In fact, a friend tried to get me to just TRY this pear mojito thing at dinner a few weeks ago- I kept refusing politely but getting upset. Someone else who knew I wasn't drinking stepped in and distracted the person.

 

I'm like AFRAID to drink. Two days before our break-up, we got into a mini-fight in the car between the movie we had just seen with friends and the restaurant were were going to afterwards for beer and snacks. I had a couple long island ice teas because I was upset, and got pretty sloshed. Then things went to s*** over the next few days and since then... alcohol aversion.

 

It never ends...

[Apathetic]

Yea drinking isnt a good idea really b/c chances are the person wil call thier ex & make a fool out of themselvs,like me a few weeks ago..

 

i know for a fact tho that if my house phone was working & i had minutes on my cell,id be calling him like a drunken fool,so im thrillllled I cant call.The last we spoke was wednesday,havent called him nor he has texted me asking where the hell i am like usual after a few days of not hearing from me.

 

Youll get over this in time as will i..but first we have to go through the pain & the BS unfortunatly..what stops me from calling is that i think "is HE fighting himself to not call me like i am w/ him'? NO he isnt..he probaly isnt even stressed about this & here I am ready to kill somebody b/c im so upset..chances are they arent even stressing in the slightest over this like we are

[KittenMoon]

what stops me from calling is that i think "is HE fighting himself to not call me like i am w/ him'? NO he isnt..he probaly isnt even stressed about this & here I am ready to kill somebody b/c im so upset..chances are they arent even stressing in the slightest over this like we are

 

Ug, I hate that idea, because it's probably so true. Even if I had been the one to initiate the break-up (like I almost did), I think I'd still be this sad, or at least close. It hurts to know he isn't the same type of person I am, emotionally.

 

...going to bed... hopefully won't dream about him like last night.

[Apathetic]

Yeah its sickening to think that they probably arnt even nearly as effected as we are over this.Like I hate him right now but I want to talk to him..ridiculous isnt it?

 

As for the dreams..I had one where he found a girlfriend!..woke up sweaty and ready to flip out..thank god it wasnt real:eek:

[the_alchemyst]

Aw, Kitten, I'm sorry you weren't feeling very well tonight.

 

I guess it's the whole back-sliding thing, which indeed sucks very much.

 

Just out of curiousity, did you write about him or about anything that included/involved/had to do with him and yourself? Because if you did, then that might explain why you suddenly felt more saddened and melancholy that happy and accomplished: you made some feelings resurge.

 

But even if your writing piece had nothing to do with him, I can relate to you 100% about how you know for a fact that if he were there with you, he would be thrilled and proud of you. Just like my speech--I know he would have been so proud and happy of/for me. And well . . . the fact that he wasn't there to share that with me, after I had grown so accustomed to his praise and to the feeling of wanting to eagerly go share with him whatever I had just finished, is heart-wrenching.

 

It's just not the same, and I think that you feel the same way, at least a bit.

 

And just as the two of you have said--the thought and feeling that we are here, sad because they are not, and that they are out there having fun, not even giving us a minute thought, is absolutely horrid.

 

I have seen C. twice on the road; the last time he was driving with a bunch of his friends. I saw that and thought, "Well, he sure misses me, now doesn't he?" got sad and drove along. Who knows if he saw me--I am making myself believe that he did and decided to ignore me, though, just so give me more reason to not talk to him.

 

But that feeling just sucks and it sucks a lot, mainly because its probably, as you said, true.

 

Thank goodness I have no been dreaming of him this time around! In fact, I can't really remember any dream I've had lately. So, for this I'm extremely grateful. Dreams about them are just the worst because you wake up feeling sad, disappointed, melancholy, yearning, heart-broken, and so on and so forth. At least that's how I felt. Can you imagine waking up to these feelings nearly every day for two whole months? Eesh. I'm surprised I didn't go insane.

 

And yet, I must be honest: I miss him. I just want to hug him. I just . . . miss him.

 

But hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for all of us . . . yes, hopefully.

[KittenMoon]

Just out of curiousity, did you write about him or about anything that included/involved/had to do with him and yourself? Because if you did, then that might explain why you suddenly felt more saddened and melancholy that happy and accomplished: you made some feelings resurge.

 

Ironically, my story is about a girl around my age who is going through a very tough period of her life after her grandfather dies. The story includes a break-up with her boyfriend. But the plot was mapped out MONTHS before any of this happen. Art imitates life? Or do I just see the future? (Grandfather is alive though, knock on wood...)

 

Anyways, I hate this back-slide. Maybe its mostly PMS related... I'm just so tired and worn out from feeling sad all the time.

 

I didn't dream about him last night, but I did the night before. In it, we slept together and then he told me he wanted to get back together. But to do so, he had drawn up this bizarre contract that outlined what had gone wrong in the relationship and what we woudl cease to do to each other when we got back together. I felt strangely appalled. And then sad when I woke up.

 

Yeah, I miss him seriously too. But I'm tired of hurting.

[Apathetic]

Well someone better slap me!!!! After swearing & promising myself 7824578234 times that I am not calling him or iming him..I IMed him & am talking to him on AIM as I type this ..So far so good..civil convo but im disappointed in myself..ahh well whatever

[the_alchemyst]

^ How can you talk to him?! How can you do that?! That's amazing. I would never be able to.

 

I can't even send an email! E-mail!

 

Am I that big of a chicken? Geez. >_<

[KittenMoon]

You're not a chicken, A!

 

Be strong and don't talk to him because if he wants to he'll call you.

 

Gah, isn't this all just a big mess. I'm going to my parents this weekend and I am worried I'll just cry the whole time! I'm so tired of being sad.

 

But not a peep from the ex since the infamous email, not a mention from my friends either about whether he has been talking to them or hanging with them and I've resisted asking. He has not yet dropped my stuff off at our friends, the lazy jerk.

 

Went to an art museum with friends this weekend and it made me sad. I kept expecting to hear his voice say "Hey, ---, come look at this!!" every 5 seconds like he used to (to the point he pissed me off because he never let me look at what I was looking at!).

 

This sucks beyond imagining.

[the_alchemyst]

Thanks, Kitten.

 

Why are you going to your parent's house? Just for just? I don't think you should be worried about what you may do/say over there, since they are your parents after all. Plus, in your previous posts you have made it clear that your mom has been very supportive the entire time.

 

If you are to cry, I think the best people you can cry to are your parents. That said, don't worry about it. Just act like you feel. There's no need to pretend around them.

 

And again, I completely understand the nostalgic feelings. Whenever I do something with friends, I am always reminded of him! Like the other day I went to Coco's and it was pretty fun, but as I was looking through the menu, I remembered him because we used to there often (same exact one . . .), and we would always joke that the little hen that was drawn on there was me and the bread loaf was him . . . he would always laugh because he didn't understand why "that was him." And man, I even remember him when I turn on the AC in the car! You know those little drawings of the little men? Well, he used to say that one of them was me (the one that uses all the differents ducts) and another one him (the windshield one). Whenever he would put it on either of those, he would say: "Aw, I'm putting it on you/me."

 

 

Shoot, I even miss the way he annoyingly slurped his soup!

 

And like you . . . I am just tired, literally, of being sad. It's like I'm sick. Sometimes I think, "Oh, man enough already! F*ck him!" but then you know . . . yeah, right.

 

I hate them all right now!!

[Apathetic]

Well im back..w/ a weird update...After we spoke on Sunday,we have hung out Monday,Tuesday & yesterday;) ...we havent hung out this much in a long time..He took me to the movies on Monday,it was nice..yesterday we just stayed at his house-fooled around a bit,dont know how I should feel about doing that:rolleyes:

 

dont know too much at all actually lol