Lishy Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 To all those who are coping I saw this post on another forum like this one, and I wanted to share it with everyone who is coping. Things WILL get better. "I've been on this site for almost four months now. When I found it, I was sure that absolutely no one in the world had ever, or would ever, experience the pain that I was feeling after my break up. Funny. I found a virtual world full of folks who have gone through and experienced the same things and felt the same feelings that I did. That helped a lot. So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, "Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down. You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harrassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months. You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything. You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful). They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new. You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague. For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope." You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, pay your money because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t. You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive. Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did. Then you'll get serious about no contact. It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called. Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidently. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow). Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson. Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had. And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought. And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be. But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery. I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react. Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back. And the universe will take care of the rest. Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 Wait... Shouldn't this be entitled "Lishy's Guide to Coping"? Annoyingly on the mark, btw. Part of me gets so enraged when I realize how commonplace this is. I feel like I've lost my heartbreak virginity. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 Shouldn't this be entitled "Lishy's Guide to Coping"? ..... It will be Lishy's guide to Second Chances next... Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 ..... It will be Lishy's guide to Second Chances next... I'm going to write my own guide to second chances... it involves chloroform, lots of rope, and a basement without windows. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 I'm going to write my own guide to second chances... it involves chloroform, lots of rope, and a basement without windows. Don't forget the Acid for disposal after the second chance doesn't work Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 Looks familiar doesn't it? And Art, The Guide to Second Chances Part 2 will contain "chips, dip, chains, whips." Weird Science is a classic. Muaha. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 BRILLIANT!!!! Delivered in keeping with the same standard as 'NoFoolins Guide For The Long Walk'. Simply outstanding!!! Thank you, Lishy! -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 I'm going to write my own guide to second chances... it involves chloroform, lots of rope, and a basement without windows. I will now call you Dr. KittenMoon Lecter Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 I will now call you Dr. KittenMoon Lecter In reality, I'd never eat my ex- he's too skinny! No meat on his bones! Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 I was having kind of a down day as she has mostly moved out today. It really helped to read through that. Thank you so much! You touched someone far away here... Link to post Share on other sites
WeaknPowerless Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 I walked into a minor setback today as well. The mind is a tricky place. I'm better off without her. Threads like this are invaluable. Human compassion is a wonderful thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted April 8, 2006 Author Share Posted April 8, 2006 Wait... Shouldn't this be entitled "Lishy's Guide to Coping"? Annoyingly on the mark, btw. Part of me gets so enraged when I realize how commonplace this is. I feel like I've lost my heartbreak virginity. Oh sorry I didnt write this I found it in the archive and re-posted it as it was so damn good and helpful! I thought I wrote that on the top! Sorry if I mislead you! Link to post Share on other sites
hurtbeyondwords Posted April 8, 2006 Share Posted April 8, 2006 Annoyingly on the mark, btw. Part of me gets so enraged when I realize how commonplace this is. I feel like I've lost my heartbreak virginity. that person described every point that I went through. very sobering to know that Im not alone. I feel good knowing that Im getting to the point of moving on. It really feels empowering. Link to post Share on other sites
Apathetic Posted April 8, 2006 Share Posted April 8, 2006 WOW..That was deep & very much the truth.Im experiencing most of what was mentioned.I began to cry once I read the part where your ex will find someone new & do all the things that they used to do together.I am crying right now at the thought of my Ex holding,kissing someone new they way he did w/ me.Im picturing him giving his future girl a kiss on the forehead like he did to me every single day,I LOVED when he did that & the thought of him doing it to someone else is making me so mad right now.My stomach is actually in a knot. Im aware it will get better & I cant wait for the day where he isnt the first & last thing on my mind.I just have to be patient & give myself some time to heal..but right now..there are no words to describe the pain I am in.Tears are rolling down my cheecks as I type this.I miss him so much but know this is normal & will eventually fade.. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted April 8, 2006 Share Posted April 8, 2006 Would someone please, write "A Guide to the Guides." Muaha Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 8, 2006 Share Posted April 8, 2006 Okay, I'm in a tough situation.. If you'd like, you can read my post under Coping, but to summarize, basically my significant other and I broke up, I still love her, she dates my friend, etc. But now I'm in a position where I could either - do all of the nagging/trying to get back together/making bad choices or - Leave it alone, NC as much as I can (Although we go to the same school, some same classes), and just try to move on. I feel like if I were just to move on, I would be skipping a step in the whole 'getting over her' area. I don't want to beg or anything, but I do want to talk to her about things. I really don't like what's going on and I really don't want to be her friend or her a part of my life anymore (Since I can't handle these feelings), but I want to leave things off to let her know where I am. Or should I just not give her any contact? What about when we're at school, if she walks by or something do I smile back at her or just ignore her? So many questions.. Link to post Share on other sites
Never Posted April 8, 2006 Share Posted April 8, 2006 Okay, I'm in a tough situation.. If you'd like, you can read my post under Coping, but to summarize, basically my significant other and I broke up, I still love her, she dates my friend, etc. But now I'm in a position where I could either - do all of the nagging/trying to get back together/making bad choices or - Leave it alone, NC as much as I can (Although we go to the same school, some same classes), and just try to move on. I feel like if I were just to move on, I would be skipping a step in the whole 'getting over her' area. I don't want to beg or anything, but I do want to talk to her about things. I really don't like what's going on and I really don't want to be her friend or her a part of my life anymore (Since I can't handle these feelings), but I want to leave things off to let her know where I am. Or should I just not give her any contact? What about when we're at school, if she walks by or something do I smile back at her or just ignore her? So many questions.. Edit: Shoot I posted this as a guest too, sorry if this double posts. Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 The characteristics match perfectly with me ! Im not in the end of my process yet, I still got a long ways to go. Perfect post!!! Coulden't have described the healing process any better. I can't wait to see the light to this, I really can't Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 It's been 3.5 months since he dumped me. And I still sob at least once a day. And there isn't a day, an hour or a minute that goes by that I don't think about him or long for him. I'm a frickin mess, and the pain is worse than it was the day he left me. I should be better by now. In every other break up I would be okay by now. But somehow this is different. And some days I wake up and wish that I hadn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 I don't know why your so suprised that It still hurts, It has been 8 months for me and I can still feel the heart ache If I let my self, Oh It will take me a good ol' time to get over my first love, But your in a early stage I think, and Its very normal of how your feeling. Those first stages are really hard and there isn't anything you can do about it but give it time. It's so raw for you right now, and these process's take longer than you think. Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 ♥, just seeing if something works:) Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Lishy, Thanks for posting the wonderful guide to coping losing someone you love. I can identify with about 75% of what was written... especially the part about begging... and the willingness to settle for a "friends with benefits" relationship. I have moved past all that now. I am on my way to forgetting him and getting things back to the way they were. It's been 5 months, though. Link to post Share on other sites
oneofthesedays Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 sure life without the ex may not be as grand as you want it to be, but your life will never be great unless you can learn to live without your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
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