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Nothing new- just more venting about the sitch


KittenMoon

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This weekend was tough and I'm back-sliding into emotion. Ever since my ex sent me the email that said he missed me and has been hurting since the last time we talked, I feel haunted. I feel like I am waiting for something to happen. I responded to his email (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t85281/) in a way that avoided further contact, but all weekend I found myself expecting a call or an email from him. Then I realized I was making excuses as to why he wasn't contacting: I was out Fri, he was helping a friend move on Sat (when I narrowly missed running into him http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t85419/), he's waiting for Sunday when neithr of us will be too busy to talk, etc. I expected something so much on Sunday only to be disappointed.

 

All he would have had to say in his email is "Nothing has changed in my decision, but..." and then told me his feelings and I wouldn't hurt like this. Instead, he hurts me by being mean AND he hurts me when trying to be nice. He's always had an amazing way of leaving out crucial bits of information in a situation or not saying something he should have. Many of our fights started like this, because I can't read his mind and he has no idea why the other person (like me) just doesn't get what he's saying. It's probably related to his dyslexia or ADHD or something and I tried to be understanding but it still hurts when someone gets angry at you and you don't know why.

 

My mother thinks I should try to contact him again but one, I'm too scared to be rejected again, and two, I'm SO TIRED of having always been the emotional workhorse in the relationship. It's time to him to take a few steps if he wants anything from me, but at the same time I'm terrified he really doesn't. It's entirely possible he has no idea what he wants. I don't know what I want, but I do know I missed him more this weekend than in several weeks.

 

This post doesn't mean much, I'm just venting. I know I shouldn't be wondering and should just be focusing on myself, and I have been, but I'm still back-sliding. It's been hard too hanging out with our friends who seem to be avoiding talking about him at all. One even referred to him as "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" this weekend, and I was like, "you can just say his name!!" It's not like I can pretend he doesn't exist or we didn't spend six years together. I feel like my situation is the elephant in the room all of a sudden and no one wants to acknowledge it's there.

 

It's just that until last Wed and the email, it felt over. Now his email has made me feel like it's not and it's made me take a few steps back.

 

Sorry for the long post.

 

P.S. I do not intend to contact him, don't worry.

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the_alchemyst

 

 

My mother thinks I should try to contact him again but one, I'm too scared to be rejected again, and two, I'm SO TIRED of having always been the emotional workhorse in the relationship.

 

I feel ya completely on that one. I think these two feelings combined make for some serious head and heartaches. And you know what? It's probably because your mind and heart are in some kind of power struggle: In a way, you're not calling him because you are too scared that he will hurt you all over again (as another member put it: NC=No new hurt), yet you know you want to talk to him. But then in the other way, you're not calling because of your own pride, which is good. You feel like you're tired of always having to be the one to put in all the emotional work, and always being the one that reaches out. It's perfectly understandable that after so much you begin to get tired.

 

You can love someone only so much--but if the way they act is just really frustruating, then slowly but surely that love begins to wane. And it might not be voluntarily, either: it's natural.

 

 

I feel like my situation is the elephant in the room all of a sudden and no one wants to acknowledge it's there.

 

 

I feel ya here too, although in my case, my friends are set upon bringing him up only to bag on him. I don't like this because I don't want them to insult him and because I feel like as soon as I walk into a room, they know I'm "that" girl whose situation must either be talking about without relent or avoided completely to only be replace by awkward silence.

 

Ah! Why can't they just be normal? By acting differently they are only making it more difficult.

 

So sorry to hear you are back-sliding, Kitten. I thought you were really moving along well. But I guess, as with all matters of the heart, these things cannot really be controled. You honestly cannot tell yourself "be happy!" and expect your mind and body to respond on the stop.

 

These things don't work that way.

 

It's good that you're not contacting him; give him some more time. Who knows? Maybe he does miss you, but his stubborness and pride are just getting in the way. And you know what? It may very well be that he doesn't know what the hell it is he wants. If this is so, then you must give him time to figure it out, but that is not to say you should pause your life.

 

I don't know if you had plans to get married, but try to think that . . . if he had to undergo this "thing," it's good that he did so before anything got even more serious, like with a marriage. He might come around and he might be better than before--and if you're really lucky, he might be that guy you fell in love with in the first place.

 

People do change: he's changing right now, although maybe not for the better.

 

Don't contact him yet. Wait it out a little while more. But you know what? In all honesty I am going to tell you this: If he doesn't contact you for whatever reason, and if you really want to talk to him, then just call him. Call him and tell him whatever you want. You guys might just reconcile, or it may get even more ugly. Yet, I believe that if it does trun more grim, well, that's pretty much going to be it for you. A crude wake-up call, but a wake-up call nonetheless. You might be able to move on then, because right now with these hopes you still have, it's going to be very very hard, primarily because I bet deep down, he's the one you want.

 

So if you must--and please do what is best for your mental and emotional health--call him: Either way, you will be the "winner," even if one win may not be the win you want.

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Well, I'm not contacting him. At this point I've realized that NOTHING he could say at this point can do anything but hurt me. Nevermind if he called me up tomorrow and said he wanted me back OR he didn't care anymoore- both would just hurt me. I'm not sure how I feel anymore about much of anything, so I gotta work that out. I have to see him in a month and a half at a wedding, so that's going to be hard enough.

 

He DID want to marry me for a long time- I just wasn't ready to settle.

 

I just wish this pain would go away. It's less omnipresent now- its more like something that's burrowing deeper and deeper into me.

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