pulling yourself together again

[Guest]

i dont have any profound story to add to this, other than i have very recently broken up with someone and would like to move on. its taken a month to break up and accept that unlike other areas of my life, i cannot simply 'fix' a problem in the relationship, and that all will be hunky-dory again. we had been going out for 2 years and had spent the last 9 months in a long distance relationship. he wanted to break it off before leaving, but as was always the case, i didnt, and did all that i could to make it work. we had a lot of problems because, as students, we were both poor. i, especially had a hard time with constant job and financial insecurity, while my parnter was enjoying the benefits of free time and an easier life on a scholarship. i kept comparing myself to him, kept beating myself up and trying to be as smart and as perfect as him. being so committed to his work, i found myself revolving my life around him, although in the past few months, things were finally coming together. i lost myself in the relationship, invested heaps in it and continued to compromise where he wouldn't, to the point of becoming painfully needy and dependent. how do you move on from this? how do you tell yourself that just because that other person seemed so ideal, that you are ok too? how do you go about loving yourself again if you are busy, stressed and have lost any confidence in yourself? i have a thesis to complete in the next few months and my confidence has been utterly shattered by this because he was the one who encouraged and supported me and was there when no one else was. i want to stop moping and do my work, but i keep being plagued by a secret fear that i'm just not good enough cant do it, and still comparing myself to the standards i felt that he set. how do i hold my head up again and deal with this? unfortunately, he is coming back in a few months time, and it is inevitable that we will see eachother as we dont live in a large town. i want to get over it, but just saying, 'i am strong', doesnt really feel all that convincing. also, because he fitted so much of what i wanted in a relationship, i cant see myself finding anyone who's worth even a fling. how do you comfort yourself? how do you stop putting someone else on a pedestal and get your real self back? how do you deal with coming face to face with your weaknesses and accept that part of the reason that it didnt work was because you weren't mature enough? were too weak and didnt take repsonsibility for yourself? there are lessons i have learnt the hard way. i can say, that after experiencing this as my first major break up, i've learnt a lot. reality can be a bit grim though. still, it is good to emerge knowing that you are loving and beautiful in some ways where the other person wasnt' quite as so. but confidence! how do you get it back

[lovelorcet]

Some of what you have described is very similar as to what I am going through myself. I was with someone who I saw as very close to what I would call my ideal match and now she is gone. I also am very afraid that I will not find someone else who fits what I am looking for in a partner which can really just kill your self confidence. But I don’t want these types of thoughts to get the best of me. I am not sure if this is really good advise but I have been trying to deal with it like this. I try to think about situations as they come up and figure out a ways to decide how would someone with lots of confidence deal with it. For example I was invited over to a friends birthday party. I knew that I would have to go alone and that I wouldn’t know anyone else there other than the host. Because of that I didn’t really feel like going. I knew that if I had more confidence I would go and make the best of it. So I decide to just go. It turned out to be ok and I even kept getting friendly looks from ones of the girls there. It’s not much but it did feel good. So I guess my point is decide how to react to stuff with your head and then kick yourself in the butt to just do it. It can be that simple I guess. I understand that the reality can feel different but then you just need to kick yourself harder.

[CaliGuy]

Read my "Guide to Second Chances" as it is not just a guide for a second chance, but a formula to get you back into mental/physical shape as quickly as possible. See link in my signature.

[lilly36]

I am going thru the exact same thing....by BF was cheating, so I dumped him, but it still hurts so much. I didn't realize how much I cared for him.

I have so many emotions, hurt, anger, and I just feel so lonely! I have the "work on myself thing" running thru my head, but I am also in school and work part-time- and it is so hard to fulfill all my responsibilites and still do what I need to do to take care of myself right now. And it hurts a little that some of my friends haven't been emailing or calling- I know they are busy, too, but I really need support right now.

So, I look at it like when I'm on a really hard hike. I can see the top of the mountain, way, way far away...and there are times when I just feel like I can't go on and I'm not going to make it...but you have to keep going..just keep your head down and keep pushing thru, because it feels so good when you get to the top, to know that you made it.

A little philosophical, but it gets me thru the days when they feel so lonely.

There is no formula for getting over a broken heart, IMO, it just takes time to process, realize the lesson involved, and move on.

Good luck to everyone in the same boat.

You'll make it, I promise.

 

ps- Caliguy, you are kind of cute!

[CaliGuy]

ps- Caliguy, you are kind of cute!

 

:love:

[Guest]

Read my "Guide to Second Chances" as it is not just a guide for a second chance, but a formula to get you back into mental/physical shape as quickly as possible. See link in my signature.

 

A reassuring thing after having read this was that a lot of it is stuff that i am aware of and am trying to do. i agree that not getting yourself together is detrimental for yourself and for any future prospects with either your recent ex or anyone else who comes into your life. i had found recently that i was wanting to rely just as heavily on my friends in the earlier stages of this break-up and while this is good, at some point you're going to lose them as well if you continue to treat break-up melodramas as a constant 'crisis' or 'emergency'. i've had to learn from this experience to not fear being alone at times - although there are times when i've got to say that it really sucks, in addition to being you-know-what (!) difficult. i'm still trying to cope with this, as in addition to being dumped, i was in effect alone for the last 8/9 months due to the long distance, so in effect, feel dumped second-time over. still, what to do when its 1am, you cant sleep and you're by yourself, it's quiet and all you want is...?

your advice on 'not being friends' was really good. the idea that you are showing 'your ex that you will accept second class treatment' is good to keep in mind as a reminder of what you dont want. i think that at some point i had been allowing this to happen by resisting the break up and promising this and that, and i suppose it is good to let go of that clinginess and the stress that goes with it (because it really is stressful when you realise you are not being true to yourself). rebuilding your confidence is a bit of tricky thing to do when you are aware (as distinct from blameful) of what went wrong and how you contributed to it. it's unfortunate, but i knew i was the one that made it difficult and its trying to accept these things without beating yourself up over it which allows you the freedom to recover, yeah? still, knowing is one thing, putting into practice is another, so tips on that would be great.

finally, i'd really love to be able to talk about something other than work and study, so i'm just hoping that i put my head down and work really hard over the next few months before he comes back, by then i'll be in a position to get on with my life and stop stagnating. it would be nice to get over the thought that 'i cant do my work without his support' and 'without him, i'm a (insert adjective) loser deep-down'. in all fairness, he wouldnt want me to see myself this way either, but when things are hard, what do you do?