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Update - not earth shattering


fooled

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I've been tempted to seek her out the past few days - to look on her websites and whatnot. I haven't and won't - but it's odd that I'm tempted. I'm pretty melancholy today. And lethargic. I've had a good week work-wise but I feel strange today. Empty.

 

Earlier this week I got an email from a mutual friend - more hers than mine - that I had not heard from since before the break up. He asked simply what's been going on with me.

 

I told him the projects I've been working on and are currently involved in. No mention of her. I did tell him I went to Phoenix to visit a model friend from a popular website. And I asked what was new in his life.

 

He emailed back immediately asking who she is, as he is familiar with her. I told him she and I had a brief romantic history (okay, a weekend fling), but we had stayed good friends and it was fun to hang out with her and a bunch of new people. Then I asked again what was up with him.

 

No response. At all. Still. It's been days.

 

Which leads me to think that my ex asked him to contact me to find out what I'm doing. Why all the analysis? It hasn't been, really. Just kind of meandered into my mind over the past few days. Really haven't given her much thought since last weekend's email from her.

 

I guess this is part of the roller coaster. I really DON'T want to know what is happening in her life. But I have been longing to see her - only to immediately remind myself of how repulsive I find her behavior - and how disgusted I am by her choice of current lover(s). Really - the thought of kissing her makes me nauseated knowing the scumbags she's been banging.

 

I promised to document my progress here, so I suppose my point is: even though I seem strong and am doing the right things - I still have moments of weakness and longing for this disrespectful, alcoholic, narcissistic compulsive liar. And as I posted on the Kitty's threat - I just miss talking to her. I used to really enjoy that.

 

And it pisses me off to no end that I'll never have that again.

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bluetuesday

hello fooled

 

ah, it's like war games. the only way to win is not to play.

 

there must be something in the air. last week i felt compelled to send a text message to a guy i've had no contact with for four months or so now. i just wondered how he was, is all. i just wanted to hear his voice, or have my phone light up with a message from him in recognition of the fact he's still alive.

 

so i sent him a few friendly lines and seven days later, the message is still undelivered. i bet the f***er has changed his number! :lmao: curiosity will bite you in the ass every time.

 

so what, this woman is frustrated as hell that you won't talk to her and now appears to be using any mutual friends she has with you to spy. ha! you've really got to her. i'd like to say it was some recognition of the great guy you are and that she's woken up and realised what she's lost.

 

but life isn't like that. this woman doesn't seem to have that level of capacity for self analysis or growth. fact is, her power has been taken away and she wants it back. the second you cave in and give her the attention she desperately craves, she knows she's won and will move on to some other poor bastard.

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UT_longhorn

i feel you fooled. i see what people say when its a roller coaster of emotions. sometimes im so good, then back to being pretty down.

 

and i agree, i think ur ex may be fishing for information using ur "mutual" friend as her messenger boy. like your last post said, you are gaining the power. she's probably dying to know what you're up to. you've had some great self control man. awesome.

 

keep up the solid progress man. i hope to rid myself of thoughts and feelings for my ex as soon as possible. purging myself of the emotions is sure not a fun ride though.

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You are so correct. She even emailed a high school kid who is a protege of my business partner to ask him what my partner thinks of her. He wrote back "That's crazy - I can't ask him that!"

 

Yeah, it's bothering her that I'm not worshipping her. Or maybe she just wants to know if I'm not badmouthing her as to hurt her career.

 

Point is: I shouldn't be thinking of her at all. I haven't learned how to de-value her.

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UT_longhorn
I haven't learned how to de-value her

 

i think that would be the end of my heartbreak if i could just do that.

 

what a wierd relationship my brain and my heart have.

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what a wierd relationship my brain and my heart have.

 

Yeah, if we could only get them to initiate NC between themselves!!!

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RE:

 

Fooled: " I promised to document my progress here, so I suppose my point is: even though I seem strong and am doing the right things - I still have moments of weakness and longing for this disrespectful, alcoholic, narcissistic compulsive liar. And as I posted on the Kitty's threat - I just miss talking to her. I used to really enjoy that.

 

And it pisses me off to no end that I'll never have that again."

 

'Ditto'.

 

Familiar with feeling/thinking that same thing.

 

And those moments are powerful enough to have some devastating impact on my/your progress.

 

Ammunition against it? Just fierce determination to kill it, fight it, stamp it out with whatever reasonable method happens to be available/needed: therapy, LS, ice cream, new friends....another planet? etc.

 

(Smile)

 

Because I know its possible to live my life without him.

 

And be happy doing it.

 

I'm just not completely 'there', yet.

 

-Rio

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amaysngrace

Rio and Fooled...i don't know either of your particular stories but i'd like to ask if the ones you were with were dishonest? and if they were, why oh why would you want to talk to THEM?? just wonderin'...

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My B** was dishonet.

 

He said he was looking to have a long-term relationship, etc, etc. and promoted and encouraged both specific and vague indications that we were a 'couple' dating seriously, working towards the same goal(s).

 

I learned that, after 5-6 mis. that he was a commitment-phobe, liar, and a host of other labels which proved otherwise.

 

But I found out that I was the only one in love.

 

He had no feelings, at all.

 

I felt misled, cheated, -you name it.

 

I ended it myself.

 

I had/have no intention of trying to salvage anything, -as a matter of fact, I did enough to make certain that there would be no second try.

 

I simply cannot bring myself to patch up things with such a loser.

 

Still, that doesn't make the feelings go away that I formed when thinking/believing differently about him.

 

Those are the 'baggage' left over I have to deal with.

 

It seems that, under the circumstances, that absolutely anyone would be able to eadily 'let go' and just walk away without any further concern about 'feelings'.

 

That's not how it works, though, I'm afraid, with some of us.

 

Some of us, like me, for instance, love deeply, with everything in us.

 

And if it goes south, -it takes that and much more out of us.

 

Thus this slow process of healing the wound.

 

-Rio

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amaysngrace

i know, Rio. i had to cut all ties myself, which is a very hard thing to do when you have children. they are on a visit right now. my mom asked me if i asked why he was a no call-no show last sunday. i told her i didn't. i didn't ask. it would probably be a lie anyway. and i'd see through it and it would just reinforce what i know about him in the first place, so what is the point of asking? i speak to him weekly, and it's usually the same conversation. "i'll get the kids at 11" "okay, bye". no more no less. it doesn't mean it wasn't easy for me to get like this. but i learned a lot on what's best for me, and the best thing i know of is to not have meaningless conversations with him. because meaningless conversations is all he has to give. and i can't and won't expend my energy on them. i did it long enough...nine years to be exact. i have two beautiful children and i'm grateful that i met him. other than the children he fathered and God gave me, he is nothing to me. not even someone i want to strike up a conversation with.

 

but you're right, healing IS a process and you aren't completely there yet. and every day you ache in some way is one day closer you are to becoming healed. i think you have to have some real crappy people in your life sometimes to appreciate the good ones. maybe your guy came because you needed this bad experience to be able to grow. maybe you're emotionally better off now than you were when you met him. take the good and leave the rest behind, if possible. it's only baggage if you allow it to be.

 

PS i'm still listening to jesse in my car :laugh:

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Apology for the typos....was just peeking in yesterday between all the house painting going on here, and had to answer you, Grace...stealing a little of Fooled's thread...apology there, too....

 

 

P.S. Just a small note: house painting and making dinner doesn't go together...my children complain about the funny-tasting stuff mixed in with their dinner....(but then, -they have this nice tropical blue stuff they can wash it all down with....so what are they complaining about???)

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

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Rio and Fooled...i don't know either of your particular stories but i'd like to ask if the ones you were with were dishonest? and if they were, why oh why would you want to talk to THEM?? just wonderin'...

 

Rio answered more eloquently that I could have. My ex was the most dishonest, disrespectful person I've ever met. But what I want to talk to her about isn't about the relationship - just chat. I've never been more in tune with a woman in my life - I miss the stupid chatter. I never got tired of her even bitching about stuff because she was so clever and funny - and I had a side love affair with her voice.

 

But I cannot let her back in. She doesn't deserve to know how I feel or what I think. She had that chance and disregarded it.

 

And I am still angry at her every morning.

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Rio answered more eloquently that I could have. My ex was the most dishonest, disrespectful person I've ever met. But what I want to talk to her about isn't about the relationship - just chat. I've never been more in tune with a woman in my life - I miss the stupid chatter. I never got tired of her even bitching about stuff because she was so clever and funny - and I had a side love affair with her voice.

 

But I cannot let her back in. She doesn't deserve to know how I feel or what I think. She had that chance and disregarded it.

 

And I am still angry at her every morning.

 

You're not alone, Fooled. I miss the companionship. I don't miss the deception or indifference she showed at the end.

 

There's someone out there better for us all. We just have to rebuild our confidence, live like we're all we've got (and we are), hang out with friends and be happy again.

 

Being a fun/happy/easy-going/confident person will attract people like no other :)

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Arg. Y'know, sometimes I'm jealous of y'all and your deceptive exes. I wish I had a tangible reason to hate my ex sometimes. Instead I just think it's silly as heck we're not together. And I'm mad because he basically turned all the problems in his life into the problem of me, and acted accordingly.

 

Makes me very.... grrrr.

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Kittens growl.

 

Baby, I wish I didn't have a tangible reason to hate her. I wish we just grew apart, or fell out of love - I think that abstraction is a lot easier to deal with.

 

And you can hate him for blaming all his problems on you. He either doesn't know himself or does and is ashamed of it. You don't need that guy.

 

Now you may purr.

 

Arg. Y'know, sometimes I'm jealous of y'all and your deceptive exes. I wish I had a tangible reason to hate my ex sometimes. Instead I just think it's silly as heck we're not together. And I'm mad because he basically turned all the problems in his life into the problem of me, and acted accordingly.

 

Makes me very.... grrrr.

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RE:

 

Fooled:

" My ex was the most dishonest, disrespectful person I've ever met. But what I want to talk to her about isn't about the relationship - just chat. I've never been more in tune with a woman in my life - I miss the stupid chatter. I never got tired of her even bitching about stuff because she was so clever and funny - and I had a side love affair with her voice."

 

(Smile)

 

'Ditto'.

 

It's those little things like that I, too, miss so terribly.

 

He was so tall (hard to find for me, -I'm 5' 8 1/2"), he was sophisticated in his tastes, so I didn't have to explain stuff like paintings in a museum to him (well, most of the time, smile), he loved dining in the kind of places I prefer, he was intelligent and could relate to/understand almost any conversation and contribute well, he was gracious and a complete gentleman, he even catered to me in some things I like to do that, perhaps, he didn't really care to do with other choices available ( I like our small theatre, here, The Barter Theatre, and also love Asheville, NC's Biltmore Hotel, which is a fav place of mine for an afternoon or weekend)...and he was always very accommodating with those kinds of things, -even seemed, to me, to enjoy them.

 

He also knew that I was up for anything that he wanted to do, without complaint, -stuff I actually looked forward to doing with him.

 

I miss alot of the facial expressions, the specific way he worded things and so many other 'little' things.

 

If I keep dwelling on all the things I liked (loved) about him, though, -it only causes me to start playing that silly game where all the sentences begin with " So why didn't he..?" or " "Why couldn't he...?"

 

And that's a game, I know, will always kick my a*s.

 

-Rio

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I miss alot of the facial expressions, the specific way he worded things and so many other 'little' things.

 

And that's a game, I know, will always kick my a*s.

 

-Rio

 

Yeah - that's a lose/lose situation.

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Fooled, I am glad to hear you're sticking to your guns. Given your situation I don't blame you at all.

 

I started seeing my counselor again just to get some reinforcement of what i am doing. Man, she is brutal.

 

"The next time ***** calls you asking for a favor tell her it's best if someone else helps her."

 

I was one step ahead of her. I had planned to tell her that all along because I know if she does call me for help it will only be because her new guy dumped her.

 

I won't be there to catch her when she falls. I'm so through with that.

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Good for you. I am thinking of cutting down on the therapy. It kind of makes me think of her when I don't want to. Plus, I'm really doing all the work myself - my counselor isn't much more than a body who listens.

 

I had a dream that she called last night and my phone actually rang. I looked at the caller ID, but was still groggy so didn't recognize it, so I answered. The voice on the other end said "What are you doing?" "I'M F'ING SLEEPING!" I said. "All right - sorry, go back to sleep."

 

Then I was lucid enough to realize it wasn't her voice. I looked at the ID again and it was another friend of mine. I called her back today to apologize for being rude to her :)

 

I have been thinking about Heidi a lot lately. I think it's because she had this mutual friend reach out to me. But I get the vibe that she's asking around (probably to see if I'm badmouthing her) and I'm picking up on that energy.

 

It's really tough for me right now. I come super close to emailing or texting. Always I remind myself of why I shouldn't and I don't.

 

The best I can describe my condition now is it feels like I'm expecting something. Not something good or something bad - just some abstract thing. Like when you're driving in the fog and you know that at some point it's going to clear up, you just don't know when and how far you have to go.

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hurtbeyondwords

Hey Fooled. Have you done anything to change your life up at all. Im in the process, Im really hoping that some change will help.

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Hey Fooled. Have you done anything to change your life up at all. Im in the process, Im really hoping that some change will help.

 

I have changed just about everything in my life except my job, my apartment & my close friends.

 

Change does help. I am trying to carve out a new life. A better life. But I'm no sculptor. It's difficult for someone like me who is pretty set in his ways to have to find NEW hobbies and NEW interests. A lot of my life feels forced.

 

But change whatever you can. If you can't move, change the furniture around (at least the bedroom). Recently I have begun a journey to confront all of my fears. That takes some real self-examination - but that is EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO BE DOING NOW! Thinking about YOU. What YOU need.

 

I felt that by conquering other fears, the fear of lonliness will be a piece of cake.

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hurtbeyondwords

 

I felt that by conquering other fears, the fear of lonliness will be a piece of cake.

 

that makes sense. I am terrified about moving. Im going to try and turn that fear into excitement. It's crazy how we are the ones who are willing to seek out help and change to better ourselves, yet the ones who left are the ones living it up. I guess their happiness is only temporary.

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Fooled...good to see you posting...(Smile)...everytime I read your posts, I can see you making progress...you never seem to see it...but I certainly do.

 

;)

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

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