My last post

[sick of it]

I took the call from the ex yesterday. I let her know what she did to me. She wanted to be friends. i told i couldnt and didnt know if i wanted to after what she did to me. i told her that know one had ever treated me that way. I never intentionally hurt her and let her know that she did to me. She told me that she wants to be able to talk to me...she kept saying that...so i asked if there was something she wanted to tell me. i told her that i imagine what her life is like so i dont have to face reality. she wanted to know what that meant. so i told her....

i think you have a pet

i think you two are very serious

i think you two live together and have for a while....

mind you, ive created these dilusions in my head. i thought i was CRAZY for thinking them....i mean....we were together for 5.5 years. we never lived together....we were officially apart by august...

she told me the dogs name, she said they are very serious, and that hes been living there since october 1st....less than 2 months since i was out of the picture.

i was in disbelief. i couldnt/cant believe it. i was crying over her and loving her and letting her know all the way into december. she never told me this. i was asking advice from friends and they werent allowed to tell me. im so embarrased im so incredibly angry. i was betrayed, led on, lied to, and made a fool of....all because i trusted the person i loved. i believed everything she told me....i wanted to...

all the feelings that had gone away due to the 2 months of NC are all back and i have to start the process over.

but thats it. im done now.

hopefully it gives the closure i needed. theres no going back. and though i will always love her...to a point of i dont know if its possible to love anyone anymore than that, i can never see her or talk to her again.

 

i want to thank everyone on this forum. you are all wonderful people. compassionate, understanding, and loving. you have been the first thing i see in the morning and the last thing at night.

Caliguy, Rio, Bendit, No Foolin....you are all like parents guiding the children...no one can thank you enough.

i hope that one day i will come back here and be in a state and position to help others the way they helped me. i know i did a lot of asking and not a lot of answering...hopefully one day that will change.

as i start this road over again i want everyone to listen to eachother...no matter how hard the advice is...no matter how much you disagree with it....the comments are right on. believe them and you will be better off. sometimes we have to learn the hard way....i did.

it will take me a long long time to get over this....its already been 10 months. it may be another.

again thank you all. good luck to all of you and god bless

-sick of it

[In Sync]

Your post touched the very core of my being. It inspired wisdom through pain.

 

Best To You, as I believe your heart will heal through time.

[justhavetoletgo]

I hope it takes less time for you to recover you sound like a great person and the world would be a far better place if there was more people like you on it. cheers

[Ariadne]

i think you have a pet

i think you two are very serious

i think you two live together and have for a while....

 

Well...... at least you were right

 

Ariadne

[sick of it]

thank you folks.....i guess i am comforted by the fact that my suspicions ended up being true. and though i drove myself crazy "making things up in my head," i end up not being crazy at all...she is. but these things happen all the time apparently and she doesnt see it as outrageous...everyone else does...but not her. oh well its time to let go.

[sick of it]

there was something that she said to me that hasnt left my head...i dont know why she said it, i dont know why it wont leave my head...

two weeks ago was our would be 6 yr anniversary. she told me during this conversation that she spent the entire week not crying, not feeling down...but sobbing. "i was sobbing the entire week." she said it very strongly to me like i was supposed to feel bad for her.

if shes so happy with her new BF, new dog, new life...why "sob" like that. why tell me youre so happy...but that you "sobbed." those words are echoing in my head.

[riobikini]

RE:

 

SickOfIt: "Caliguy, Rio, Bendit, No Foolin....you are all like parents guiding the children...no one can thank you enough. "

 

All anyone of us did, I'm sure, is to share our real-life experiences.

 

And you are most welcome, I know, from everyone.

 

But I have read your recent posts and feel like I should respond.

 

You are trying so hard to obtain a 'finality' agreement with your emotions -people call it 'closure'- but it doesn't exactly work overnight, as you are realizing, -even with the knowledge and disclosure, now, of the complete picture that was hidden from you.

 

You're dealing with the remorse of being taken for such a fool.

 

SOI, -there's no more noble a character than someone who believed in love, -even if it ended up in the toilet, (Smile).

 

You hung on, believing in what you felt, despite the signs that were obvious to everyone else around you, -and that isn't exactly a crime, -the only thing wrong about it is that you gave yourself to the whole thing and it didn't give you any return on that investment.

 

That was a hard lesson for you, -but you still gained something from the experience.

 

Just don't let it make you bitter.

 

Yeah, -you'll feel pretty damned angry about it for awhile, and you'll still think about her and the whole situation, -but now that you know you were being used, -your entire way of viewing it will change, and you will be able to disconnect from the emotions with more absolute determination.

 

It's that 'getting-slapped-in-the-face-with-the-truth' thing that'll do it every time.

 

Nothing like meeting the monster of your dreams in person, in real life, looming in front of you to know what you have to do to really kill it.

 

It still won't be easy, -no one with a grain of common sense is going to tell you that, -but it will be 'easi-er', -as in 'facilitated'- and you're 'getting' that, right now.

 

I think it's the anger and refusal we suddenly have to protect ourselves, and the fight we have to put up to keep our self-respect, that becomes the emotion which spurs our determination to, finally, move on past the whole mess, and not look back.

 

No one should ever have to trowel through the garbage heap to salvage a relationship that was based on love and trust.

 

Mutual love and trust never ends up in the garbage.

 

SOI, you already know, without my having to tell you, that you will muddle through this and wind up being just fine without her, someday future.

 

Hopefully, now that all this has changed your thinking around, it'll be a lot sooner.

 

I actually hope that a lot of others read your posts, because your story tells an, almost, case-book study on what it takes to break free from some of these really deceitful, cheating, emotionally abusive relationships.

 

The kind that grind you into little pieces you have to, later, go through hell rebuilding just so you can have a life.

 

It just takes being faced with the bald-faced truth, -the kind that knocks you down and makes you swallow it whole.

 

And you've been through that, proving it's, sometimes, what it takes, and -hey, I actually think you're going to survive it (Smile).

 

Maybe, even be deliriously happy, in a time that's just around the corner.

 

It's gonna be OK.

 

Truly.

 

(Smile)

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[sick of it]

figured id give an update. she called again tonight. left a voicemail. still wanting to be friends. sounds like she genuinely cares. doesnt want me to feel uncomfortable (ha) and will do everything she can to make the firendship work. doesnt undertstand why im maybe mad at her. but she really wants me to call. she said she'll makes sure that she picks up the phone so that i dont feel uncomfortable (having the new guy pick up).

i want to believe her but i dont. i think its all a move to make her feel better about everything. more manipulation. i dont know what ill do. i do know that no matter what, i always feel bad after i talk to her. but i dont want to be the a**h*** to ignore her.....whatever. ill have to think about it.

[CaliGuy]

Ignore her, please. You can not be friends with someone you are in love with.

 

It just delays your healing.

[In Sync]

How about forgiveness. She sounds like she's genuinely interested in maintaining a friendhip with you. She'd made the effort to call and left the door open to build a friendship with you. Is it possible that you can learn to outgrow the being 'in love with her' and grow into caring about her as a friend? Some relationships can switch in life and become lasting friendships. Why toss it all out? You obviously still care.

[sick of it]

caliguy-

i agree. but i dont know if im still in love with her. i havent physically seen her (body or picture) since september. havent had a conversation where i felt good afterwards since a year ago. after everything that has happened, theres no self respcting person that should be. but i have a feeling i still am. that i always will. that ill always overlook the horrible way we broke up and always remember the reltionship.

 

IN SYNC-

ive looked into forgiveness. ive considered it. ive tried it. but what is it? shes not sorry. i cant forgive someone if theyre not sorry. i cant forgive someone if they dont even recognize my hurt or why i feel the way i feel and their role in it. because thats not forgiving, thats condoning.

youre right, i do care. incredibly. ive never stoped caring. even while i was on the ground being kicked i was hoping her shoes werent getting dirty, yknow?

i dont want to throw it all away. theres obviously something there because tn months later and shes still calling me asking to be freinds...but shes with another guy now. living with him, with a dog. a new life. what does she need or want me for? shes been without me for this long...why now? why call now? i think its just a way for her to rid herself of the guilt....but if she was so right in her decision, what is there to be guilty of?

[bendit]

This is a case study in how a person chooses to ignore the advice that will help them get out of pain, and follow their own plan that keeps them in pain. In that sense, the story of this terrible pain you have put yourself through may have value to folks who will come next. Lets hope they understand that your choice to stay in contact has been a pain FILLED decision. Lets hope that others can learn from this and make the better choice to heal with NC.

 

Your choice to stay in contact has kept you stuck for a long time and it will keep you stuck. Its a guarantee. A lead pipe cinch.

 

If you had taken the advice to go strict NC when it was offered a long time ago, you would be 90% over this. You would have NO desire to see her. You would be indifferent to her. You would likely be dating and enjoying the company of others. You would be here HELPING others, instead of asking for their support and advice. Advice you will follow, as long as it contains any ideas short of going FULL NC, which would set the stage for lasting healing.

 

So your case study on how NOT to heal, may in fact be quite useful to those who come after you. And there will be many in your shoes coming here for help. Lets hope that when the proper advice of 100% NC is offered, most of them will instantly see the value and accept it.

 

I will say it again. CONTACT = NEW HURTS. It is inevitable in your situation. And by staying engaged with her though email, web site spying, talking to friends about her, voice mails, and meeting as "friends" will only produce more and more pain piled on the pain you already have.

 

No you aren't "Sick of It" yet. I wonder if they allow name changes? Good luck to you. I hope you begin to figure out that YOU are choosing to hurt yourself. And you can stop hurting yourself. But YOU have to take the action of letting go. And that's something you are still reluctant to do.

 

 

regards

[KittenMoon]

i think its just a way for her to rid herself of the guilt....but if she was so right in her decision, what is there to be guilty of?

 

I think you hit it on the head. She feels guilty- people can carry this a long time. But guilt is not the same as love- by offering friendship, by WANTING friendship, she's nullifying her pain that comes from her guilt.

 

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU OR YOUR FEELINGS! And that's the problem, because you want it to be.

 

But like you've said, she has a new LIFE not just a new bf. It's been so long I think it's time for you to move on. You're back at the beginning of that path, but you know the right way now so take it.

 

Sorry for all your pain.

[sick of it]

i havent ignored any advice. i havent actively contacted her for 4 months or so. i got a voicemail. thats it. i throw it on this board because this is the only place i talk about it now. was i thinking about what to do? of course. but i havent ignored advice. i know im slow in healing and i know its because of the contact. not from my end though. but yes, ive accepted contact.

im not responding to this call. maybe ill be considered an a**h*** for doing it and maybe ill feel like one. but im putting my foot down. maybe in time when im settled and happy with my life again. maybe ill throw a shout her way. but no. not now. my feelings have never been recognized and yes KITTENMOON, its not about MY feelings...its about hers. until that changes, theres no point to even attempting anything.

[bendit]

Sick of it, the advice that was ignored (this is not a crime btw) is the advice to go NC. That advice was ignored. No? Like I said its not going to kill you and it isn't the end of the world that you've been in contact. But I just want to be clear and HONEST. It doesn't help to deny this.

 

My point is that NC heals. Contact Hurts. That's my point and I am relentless with it. And if you read these boards you will see that people who ALLOW contact HURT. One follows the other.

 

Now about your voice mail. Yes you got a voice mail. Listening to it broke contact. Prior to that you broke contact when you had a long drawn out "closure" conversation that HURT you badly.

 

My message is simple. Not many follow it, but that doesn't change my SIMPLE message. NO CONTACT heals your life. Contact HURTS you, and keeps you STUCK. Its simple. Yet people have to do what they are going to do and test it. And then they hurt.

 

Finally if you continue to ALLOW contact, any contact, you will hurt....YOURSELF. Yes you...are hurting you. If you bite the bullet now, and allow NO CONTACT of any shape matter or form, you will start to heal. And every day that goes by you will get stronger and stronger.

 

You are NEVER going to have the relationship you want with this woman. NEVER. When you accept this, then going total no contact is the Logical next step. That is, if you really truly are Sick of the Pain.

 

 

regards

[AltplanB]

sick of it, im in the same boat as you man. Got a message after many months of NC. I Think its best i dont even listen to it. I dont want to listen to any of her bulls*** and she doesnt deserve anything from me. I dont want to be her friend, i dont want to be connected with her in anyway. If you think this will put you in a negative aspect with her, think about this: What will you have to gain either way?

 

If you too spring up a friendship, thats great...youll sit around listening to how great someone else is. If you leave her alone, its part of your past and thats it. If you think about it too much, it drives you insane. Just relax and delete the message and dont respond. Go to the gym..

 

She doesn't want anything romantic with you. If you are on here still its because you have feelings for her. Dont be that guy sitting in the background in pain waiting for her to come around. She aint...its been to long and shes over it. Just move on. I know it hard, it definately is for me. But you just gotta shrug it off and find something that makes the time go by.