So I broke NC after 5 weeks.

[UT_longhorn]

We broke up 2 months ago. NC for pretty much the 2 months, except one day 5 weeks ago.

 

She had blocked me on chat. I blocked her as well. I unblocked her yesterday for some odd reason, and there she was online, she had unblocked me.

 

We spoke. It was friendly. We cleared up some misunderstandings. We caught up on whats been going on in each of our lives. I told her Im pretty good. She kept asking if I was over everything. I said yes (even though I am not). I told her I am so busy these days. That I am excited about my new project in DC. Basically I guess I came off across as doing well. (Which is pretty much the case). She told me some of the things that she was doing, and I told her that Im very glad that she is doing so well and happy. We had some more conversation and kind of wrapped up saying if we see each other out next time, we dont have to act like awkward strangers.

 

The chat was good overall but a bit strained. Chatting with her is not something that I plan to do with her for a long time. I think I'm going to have to put her on block again. Although I was proud of how I handled the conversation...my emotions are now killing me again. Im not back at square one, but I do feel like a few huge steps backwards.

 

I guess I thought I could handle the friend thing after 2 months. but I am wrong. Im not ready. I really was doing very well until this.

 

Guys/girls - please think long and hard before you have any sort of contact. it really is like scratching at a healing wound. It will open right back up.

[not_myself]

I have been split with my ex for about 3 months - mostly NC - and I also broke it today...

 

Friendly back and forth via email, and I feel fine, better. However - while I am not completely over him I am in control of my feelings and resolved that we just dont work - so I guess my situtaion is a little different.

 

Also we have broken up about 3 times over the past few years - so I guess I am also getting good at it I am also probably a bit older than a few people on here

 

I believe what most say about NC, but everyone is different about it. For me - it is better for me to be able to be civil and on good terms with the man I spent 1.5 years loving and caring for, then to pretend like each other doesnt exist.

[Simons]

I have been split with my ex for about 3 months - mostly NC - and I also broke it today...

 

Friendly back and forth via email, and I feel fine, better. However - while I am not completely over him I am in control of my feelings and resolved that we just dont work - so I guess my situtaion is a little different.

 

Also we have broken up about 3 times over the past few years - so I guess I am also getting good at it I am also probably a bit older than a few people on here

 

I believe what most say about NC, but everyone is different about it. For me - it is better for me to be able to be civil and on good terms with the man I spent 1.5 years loving and caring for, then to pretend like each other doesnt exist.

 

I wonder what CaliGuy will say about this???

[CaliGuy]

I wonder what CaliGuy will say about this???

 

We're human so I am not going to chastise him.

 

Actually UT, you did well and took a step in the right direction. Though she may have just wanted her own guilt absolved by making sure "you are ok", in a way you probably did more good than harm.

 

1. You showed you were strong.

2. You showed her that she doesn't have a hold on you (even if you think she does, what you proved was you are stronger than you think).

3. You are the bigger man because you didn't hammer her as far as questions go.

 

Not sure who had initiated the contact first, if it was you, that's what you want to avoid. Let HER initiate it. You can pick and choose what you want to respond to. That puts YOU in the driver's seat.

 

I fully believe in No Foolin's brand of NC. There comes a time for strict NC and then later down the road, once you have HEALED, then you can decide, should the ex contact you, what you wish to do.

[Ariadne]

1. You showed you were strong.

2. You showed her that she doesn't have a hold on you (even if you think she does, what you proved was you are stronger than you think).

3. You are the bigger man because you didn't hammer her as far as questions go.

 

People..... Can you just be real?

 

1) Why do you have to prove to someone you are "strong"? What's the big deal? You are what you are. And if you are feeling weak, then you are feeling weak. Nothing wrong with that.

 

2) What is that supposed to mean "a hold"? I don't think that anyone wants to hold anyone in this situation. It's a sad situation. And if you are not over her then say so. There's nothing wrong with that or shame in that either.

 

3) What bigger man are you talking about? Who is measuring a bigger man? Can you just be polite and if you want to know something just ask?

 

I just don't understand people sometimes.

 

I must be weird or something...

 

Ariadne

[CaliGuy]

1) Why do you have to prove to someone you are "strong"? What's the big deal? You are what you are. And if you are feeling weak, then you are feeling weak. Nothing wrong with that.

 

He needs to prove it to himself.

 

2) What is that supposed to mean "a hold"? I don't think that anyone wants to hold anyone in this situation. It's a sad situation. And if you are not over her then say so. There's nothing wrong with that or shame in that either.

 

It's part of the healing and improvement process.

 

3) What bigger man are you talking about? Who is measuring a bigger man? Can you just be polite and if you want to know something just ask?

 

It's not as simple as you make it seem to be. Kind of hard to explain but there's a self-respect/self-confidence/self-improvement issue here that really is of great stake.

 

I just don't understand people sometimes.

 

I must be weird or something...

 

Ariadne

 

Nah, we're just different people and see the world through different eyes.

[trone]

UT,

 

I am thinking about breaking NC as well after 4 months but still could not decide. I have been reading No Fool's guide but unfortunatel, many things mentioned there does not apply to my case.

 

My gf broke up bec she thought that the relationship was hurting us. She has issues but when you love you dont really care. She is still single, feeling alone and trying to maintain NC to get over our relationship. I respect that and i also dont want to start dating again but I also can not understand why we cant act like two mature indivuduals.

 

After your message, I am more hesitatant to contact. Thanks

[CaliGuy]

UT,

 

I am thinking about breaking NC as well after 4 months but still could not decide. I have been reading No Fool's guide but unfortunatel, many things mentioned there does not apply to my case.

 

My gf broke up bec she thought that the relationship was hurting us. She has issues but when you love you dont really care. She is still single, feeling alone and trying to maintain NC to get over our relationship. I respect that and i also dont want to start dating again but I also can not understand why we cant act like two mature indivuduals.

 

After your message, I am more hesitatant to contact. Thanks

 

How do you know she isn't dating? Have you been checking up on her

[trone]

Cali,

 

I am kinda checking on her, I am still friends with her coworker:rolleyes: So I can get this kinda information.

 

Btw, she was 31 and had dated only two other guys befire me. One for 8 months other one 3 months as far as I could remember. So the chances that she is dating is not that high.

[CaliGuy]

Cali,

 

I am kinda checking on her, I am still friends with her coworker:rolleyes: So I can get this kinda information.

 

Btw, she was 31 and had dated only two other guys befire me. One for 8 months other one 3 months as far as I could remember. So the chances that she is dating is not that high.

 

Just a guess here, but her relationship issues are pretty deep. Eight months and three months?

 

Didn't that give you a red flag?

[trone]

Just a guess here, but her relationship issues are pretty deep. Eight months and three months?

 

Didn't that give you a red flag?

 

She has a problem called PMDD. Two weeks before her period is like hell with her. Her sister also mentally ill (more serious) and was in the hospital for a while.

 

She knows that she has issues and she is upset with it. She blamed me several times as well, but the final thing she told me was that she could never be with someone bec of these issues. She said she can not see me for a very very long time.

 

There were more than one red flags Cali but I guess I still love her.

[CaliGuy]

She has a problem called PMDD. Two weeks before her period is like hell with her. Her sister also mentally ill (more serious) and was in the hospital for a while.

 

She knows that she has issues and she is upset with it. She blamed me several times as well, but the final thing she told me was that she could never be with someone bec of these issues. She said she can not see me for a very very long time.

 

There were more than one red flags Cali but I guess I still love her.

 

I'm guessing your were willing to work through the problems but she was not?

 

Has she ever gone to counceling?

[trone]

There were times that I thought I can not handle it anymore (but never told her) and after each problem she called back to start again.

 

She has been counseling forever, I do not know how much it helps. She dropped her antidepressant right after we begun to date (thinking that she does not need it while she is in love) and it was the worst mistake ever.

 

She is indeed an angel, does not mean to hurt anyone and that is why I wanted to help her with the issues. But she does not talk to me and acts really weird when she sees me. I want to break NC but do not want to dissapoint myself by hearing her saying that she can not talk to me.

[CaliGuy]

Amazing. I wonder what would have happened if she had stayed on the anti-depressants?

 

Some people are just chemically imbalanced and really need to take them, regardless.

[UT_longhorn]

trone...

 

if shes asking for time to get over you...then her mind is pretty made up. she wants time away so that her feelings dissapate. i hate the idea of them "trying to get over you", but women seem to have this gut intuition when they know things somewhere aren't right and are able to logically push themselves out of unhealthy situations. even if they have to "try to get over you."

 

if you've kept up no contact...i suggest you keep it up. i was feeling so good the day before. and now...not so good. its not worth it. i read your posts trone and seems like youre doing much better after 3 months of NC. I suggest you wait until you're purged completely of her from your system. Then I'm sure you'll be able to contact as friends if you then so choose.

 

lets say you contact her and shes nice to you, youre going to think yourself to death about second chances that probably will never happen. if shes cruel to you, youre going to think yourself to death about how cold she was to you. Contact is a loose loose situation...at least when you know you aren't over her yet.

 

 

 

Caliguy,

 

Actually UT, you did well and took a step in the right direction. Though she may have just wanted her own guilt absolved by making sure "you are ok", in a way you probably did more good than harm.

 

thanks for your support. i needed that.

 

 

 

Ariadne,

 

People..... Can you just be real?

 

For some reason, the idea of telling my ex that I still missed her and loved her didn't seem like such a hot idea. Maybe that would be "real" thing to do, but i don't know if would have been the right thing to do...at least for myself.

[trone]

trone...

 

if shes asking for time to get over you...then her mind is pretty made up. she wants time away so that her feelings dissapate. i hate the idea of them "trying to get over you", but women seem to have this gut intuition when they know things somewhere aren't right and are able to logically push themselves out of unhealthy situations. even if they have to "try to get over you."

 

if you've kept up no contact...i suggest you keep it up. i was feeling so good the day before. and now...not so good. its not worth it. i read your posts trone and seems like youre doing much better after 3 months of NC. I suggest you wait until you're purged completely of her from your system. Then I'm sure you'll be able to contact as friends if you then so choose.

 

lets say you contact her and shes nice to you, youre going to think yourself to death about second chances that probably will never happen. if shes cruel to you, youre going to think yourself to death about how cold she was to you. Contact is a loose loose situation...at least when you know you aren't over her yet.

 

Cali,

 

I wish she could have stayed on the medicine, she is really a great girl while she has no hormonal changes. Medicine did really helped her.

 

UT,

 

Unfortunately, every single thing that you wrote is so right. If things are over for a woman it is over, but men are not always like that. I know I am going to feel the way you are feeling right now if I contact her and that is actually what is keeping my hands away from the phone. I think I am not strong enough to try that right now although I have been thinking about it since Feb 15. Two of my friends today really pushed me to call her but I could not and I do not think that I can call or text message. I have to accept the fact that it is over and that is better for both of us.

 

The worst thing is there are people that I can date, but whenever I am with another girl, I think about her even more as if no one will ever be able to replace her.That sucks and does not help to heal.

 

I hope you guys (Cali & UT) are doing better. You both have given me lots of inspiration.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

For some reason, the idea of telling my ex that I still missed her and loved her didn't seem like such a hot idea. Maybe that would be "real" thing to do, but i don't know if would have been the right thing to do...at least for myself.

 

Oh no, I think you handled it very well actually .

 

She kept asking if I was over everything. I said yes (even though I am not).

 

Well, I would have said, getting there, or something like that, but that's ok. I don't think it'd have been be very hot for you to declare your love to her either at this point.

 

I was saying to be real mostly to Caliguy when he said: Show her you are strong, show her she doesn't have a hold on you, show her you are the bigger man. That's just crazy to me .

 

But I do belive in NC though.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to be "friends" with someone you love and are trying to get over with. Some people can do that, but then they never get over. The best approach is to put some distance.

 

Although I don't think that NC works when you decide to do it without talking things over first. Say, you get angry at her for something, she cheated, this is unfair, etc and go NC. Then you'll drive yourself crazy. It's best to discuss things and then if you both agree that it's not going to work out then NC.

 

It's weird also I noticed how your perception changes when you do NC. For me, the easiest fastest way to forget someone is to know that they don't love me, then I don't want anything to do with them. The problem is to get "that" across to me; I usually take anything to believe that they do. So, with NC you may start turning things around in your head and start seeing everything differently.

 

In my case I was doing great when I went NC with my guy. I felt relieved and the first weeks were the best. But then came Valentine's and I started twisting things in my head, that it was my fault, that this and that. So I went for my next dose of "I don't like you"... Ok fine, hopefully now I'll get it.

 

Ariadne

[CaliGuy]

Hi,

 

For some reason, the idea of telling my ex that I still missed her and loved her didn't seem like such a hot idea. Maybe that would be "real" thing to do, but i don't know if would have been the right thing to do...at least for myself.

 

Oh no, I think you handled it very well actually .

 

She kept asking if I was over everything. I said yes (even though I am not).

 

Well, I would have said, getting there, or something like that, but that's ok. I don't think it'd have been be very hot for you to declare your love to her either at this point.

 

I was saying to be real mostly to Caliguy when he said: Show her you are strong, show her she doesn't have a hold on you, show her you are the bigger man. That's just crazy to me .

 

But I do belive in NC though.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to be "friends" with someone you love and are trying to get over with. Some people can do that, but then they never get over. The best approach is to put some distance.

 

Although I don't think that NC works when you decide to do it without talking things over first. Say, you get angry at her for something, she cheated, this is unfair, etc and go NC. Then you'll drive yourself crazy. It's best to discuss things and then if you both agree that it's not going to work out then NC.

 

It's weird also I noticed how your perception changes when you do NC. For me, the easiest fastest way to forget someone is to know that they don't love me, then I don't want anything to do with them. The problem is to get "that" across to me; I usually take anything to believe that they do. So, with NC you may start turning things around in your head and start seeing everything differently.

 

In my case I was doing great when I went NC with my guy. I felt relieved and the first weeks were the best. But then came Valentine's and I started twisting things in my head, that it was my fault, that this and that. So I went for my next dose of "I don't like you"... Ok fine, hopefully now I'll get it.

 

Ariadne

 

I agree with you 100% with everything you said. She does love me, she just isn't IN love with me, and that should be good enough to help me move on. She pities me and that thought makes me angry. I don't want her pity.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

She does love me, she just isn't IN love with me, and that should be good enough to help me move on. She pities me and that thought makes me angry. I don't want her pity.

 

It's hard sometimes to know where to draw the line. The in love feeling is not very reliable I believe, it's more important to have a relationship based on trust and commitment.

 

If you can't have the last, that counts for more than the in love feelings I believe,

 

Ariadne

[In Sync]

She does love me, she just isn't IN love with me, and that should be good enough to help me move on. She pities me and that thought makes me angry. I don't want her pity.

 

I think you are a cool dude so hear me out, when I saw that quote my head twisted backwards sort of like in the Exorcist. WTF! are you talking about. That line alone is clearly delusional. The moment she moved out, left you and she's getting it on with another guy..she-does-not-love-you. bendit was right, her actions are Narcissistic. Ok, under the radar actions that get you to continue thinking about her despite the fact she's with another man. Anything she does any info you hear about her is not about loving you it's all about her. She wants you to still think about her. I know you have moved on, but I singled that line out not just for your benefit but for anyone else as an example of what is wiggle room. By maintaining this notion that she is in love with you despite her having left you allows you enough delusional rope to say I should call back because I know she loves me. I hope you and all others see the point.

[bendit]

I heard the same line...It is a silly line that doesn't mean anything at all. We love each other but we aren't "in" love. Its a standard narcissistic line they all use. If you are in a relationship and she is triangulating you with another guy before closing YOUR relationship with her, that is Abusive and a common narcissistic ploy. Anyone who won't stop contact long enough to let you go heal and is doing the back and forth is abusive.

 

regards