I just don't feel any remorse.

[luvtoto]

This is really odd.

 

I just got emailed from my biological mother that my dad passed away Friday from lung cancer. I've only known him for a couple years and we didn't bond well. Not much of a relationship. I just don't feel any remorse. None. No tears...nothing.

 

But, a month ago, when I heard from a friend that his wife was killed in a tragic car accident, I cried for days. I didn't even hardly know her.

 

Just...weird.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

It's because deep down you have some anger towards your dad for not being the father you needed him to be. Yet, your friend's wife was probably a caring, lovely woman who was the wife that your friend needed her to be.

 

Your reaction is perfectly understandable. My own dad was a deadbeat. He beat my mother while she was pregnant with me, and encouraged her to have an abortion. He was emotionally, physically and financially absent from my life. Even though I spent time with him while I was growing up (although usually only during visits to collect whatever meager child support he was willing to fork over to my mom), I have chosen as an adult to have no contact with him, and he in turn has not tried to contact me now that he doesn't "have to". I can honestly say that if I found out that my dad died, I probably would feel nothing but numbness.

[Becoming]

This is actually a more common response than you'd think.

 

Why would you feel anything for a person you hardly knew and do probably have such intense negative feelings about deep down in that you won't let yourself feel them out of fear they'll hurt you or someone else.

 

Jen's probably right on target:

It's because deep down you have some anger towards your dad for not being the father you needed him to be. Yet, your friend's wife was probably a caring, lovely woman who was the wife that your friend needed her to be.

[luvtoto]

I think you two are right on. Yea, you could say I have some anger. Anger can cause indifferent emotions.

 

The lady that was killed was wonderful and did so much for my friends life. She was his rock.

 

Thanks for helping me understand things better!!

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

You're welcome. Whatever happens, or whatever feelings do or don't come about, just don't beat yourself up about it. Don't make yourself feel guilty for something that you think that society tells you that you should feel. Biology does not make a man a father.

[luvtoto]

You're welcome. Whatever happens, or whatever feelings do or don't come about, just don't beat yourself up about it. Don't make yourself feel guilty for something that you think that society tells you that you should feel. Biology does not make a man a father.

 

I met my biological mother and father only three years ago. My brother's and my dad were pretty cool. But, my biological mother was a control-freak! I had to cut ties with the entire family 'cause of her. Kinda sad. About a month ago, I got a guilt ridden email that he was dying. Now, today, I got another guilt ridden email from her that he died. I am so used to her guilt trips that I just expect it from her now.

 

When I first started writing this thread, I was feeling bad about my non-reaction. But, you are right, biology does not make a man a father, and I don't have to feel guilty for not feeling something for a man I barely knew. No matter what my crazy mother says. She's strongly dillusional! When we met, she wanted her *complete* family to ride off into the sunset. Just didn't happen that way...it's not my fault.

 

Jen-Jen, by the way... I crack up everytime I look at your avatar. Hilarious!