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Not Coping Fed Up Today


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

Old 23rd July 2005, 12:22 AM   #1
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Not Coping Fed Up Today

dont want to be a downer but i am not coping well today. i am fed up. i wish to God i would see post son here where people get back with each other after a year of not being together...and work through issues and live happily ever after. and yes i want to see engagements broken off and the old original love gets the person they worked so hard to be with. not the new stranger from across the planet. hes engaed to someone in another country in less that a few months of being together. i want to see that men and woman who are promised love.. in the end they got it from the person who promised it. i wish there were a section here that was entitled "not merely coping, but celebating that the ex and themselves reunited". just feeling hopeless. nothing left to count on. and feeling like all my dreams were shattered to smitherines. i walk around in a daze half the time and get cant this stupid person out of my head heart and soul. i feel destroyed. seriously ruined. and therapy and pills are not the answer. and neither are bubble baths. maybe when youre young all that helps. and parents hugging you and the prospect of more when youre older..to look forward to. but i am older now, and nothing is quite doing it. just venting and tired. feel hopeless in this hell.
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Old 23rd July 2005, 12:53 AM   #2
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I am sorry you are having such a bad time. It will get better. I am having a bad night myself. It will get better I promise. I keep reminding myself that I have gotten thru rougher times in my life. I was suppose to have a date tonight with a new guy but canceled out bc my ex got me so confused that I was afraid I wouldn't have a clear head, maybe fall into a rebound or something so I know canceling was best. Don't think of yourself as too old, think of yourself as wiser.
Hope things get better for you real soon.
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Old 23rd July 2005, 3:29 AM   #3
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thank you katty for writing in. i appreciate your thoughts. i have all this new wisdom but cant seem to apply it to the person i would have liked to apply it to. (the ex).

i guess i kept holding out hope that he really wont get married and all this will blow over. but all i see is this a pipe dream on my part. it just infuriates me because from what i know, she is everything he said he never wanted. my mistake was i tried to be who i thought he wanted and not more of myself. and being who he professsed to want didnt get me anywhere for 5 years.

i think you made a good judgement call to want to have a clear head on your date. that was mature of you and unselfish for the other party and brave. i am sure your next relationship will be healthy in the sense that you seem focused on trying to do everything to start it out that way. i dont know you but i am proud of you. perhaps another time will be better for you two to go out. yes, ex's can confuse us. its gets to the point where you sometimes dont know what is real or what imaginary. (in terms of : what we think they might feel for us and what they really might feel). who on earth knows. i feel my ex is heartless and i am invisible and non existant to him.
personally i am just sick of wishing and hoping and praying anymore. God has answered a few prayers and kept me going this far. but i am weray from the journey. i was a strong human being before all this happened to me. and i used to envison myself wiser and stronger when i was older. and i am just falling apart now and more crippled than ever b4. so i am devasted life got worse not better. i am sorry this is such a bad time. i have been hoping for a year something would give and he would come back. i have tried to keep busy too. but i am still a walking corpse. gosh that sounds aweful but its so darn true. i feel absolutely dead inside. for those who believe in a higher power, i am actually going to ask for your prayers here that this sorrow and weight is lifted from me soon because i cant imagine life like this forever and i already have a disability and this sorrow doesnt help that. i am so mad at him too. and want to tell him off. but everything is useless. i have been living in a world of wanting his approval for so long i dont know how to get out of it. also, i ask myself will it just give him more satisfaction. basically i just want to feel alive and happy again. i fear that day will never come at this rate. and its the most horrible feeling. thank you for caring enough to write. that does mean something. thank you
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Old 23rd July 2005, 8:55 AM   #4
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IfInewthen,

I am in a similar situation with an ex and although I try to imagine a perfect human being each time I think of what I lost in our relationship, the truth is that she had many faults and was the primary reason that it did not work out. It seems like this is the same situation that you are in, is it? What exactly do you want back? Don't you want someone who will be madly in llove with you and would never put you through this hurt that he has? I too am depressed most days and hurt like hell and even would consider a second chance with my ex, yet the more I wake up alone (it has been a month) the more I realize how mean and inconsiederate a person she is and I have waited far too long in life to settle for someone just because I am too scared or lazy to go out and find it. What exactly do you still love about your ex?
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Old 23rd July 2005, 1:44 PM   #5
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IfIknewthen,
Hope you are doing well. I just wanted to let you know that it will definitely get better. I was once in a rs with a guy for over 6 years and I was so convinced that Iwould never get over him. I am ashamed now of all the tricks and sneaking around I did. I had to stay in contact no matter what. Yes I was totally obsessed with him. It took me a long time and then I met a guy that just kind of sneaked in and stole his place in my heart. We were together for 2 years and broke up and I was so lost. It was a LDR and on my last visit to see him I was attacked in the rest area by two men and I am so thankful to have come out of it alive, however I spent the next 9 months just surviving, never leaving the house, etc. I felt I needed to tell someone before it totally controlled me but it seemed as if everyone that found out about the attack pulled away from me. I know now this was just in my mind, mostly. I think people, family just didn't know what to say or do so they just stayed away. I had been a counselor for years for our local womens shelter and felt like a hypocrite, I seeked help for myself and I am better. I didn't start dating, etc. for 8 months and just spent time on myself. My first new experiences with men after the attack were very unnerving but I did survive. So this new rs that developed so fast and was so comfortable was a huge surprise to me. You can't imagine how thrilled I was that he could touch me or kiss me and I didn't freak out . I know none of this really matters but I keep reminding myself of what I have survived thru so I know that I will get thru this, just as you will get thru this. You have spent several years with this guy so it will take time. Do you care if I ask you a couple of questions? How old are you? How long have the two of you been split? Is he getting ready to marry someone else? My ex of 2 years that I split up with informed me on the phone after our being split less than 2 months that he was engaged. I felt as if my world had come to an end. I guess I am just trying to say that it will get better I promise. I have found that it only seems to get better and something better comes along when we are not looking for it, when we least expect it, or want it in our life.
Best of luck to you. I know you will get thru this.
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Old 27th July 2005, 10:58 PM   #6
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Hello upsetnhurt and katty.

thank you for your replies. sorry so long to repost.

yes, upsetnhurt I think I am in the same situation as you in that I do think of what i lost....the good things. And yes, i seem to forget about the bad, that got us into this position to begin with. and the worse part is no matter what bad he did to contaminate the relationship, i feel as i i drove him to it. it's gotten to the point where i don't know what's real anymore as who is to blame...but mostly i blame myself and keep thinking thoughts like "i could have done this better and I should have done this or that instead. I should have been more understanding...less demanding, etc., i think sometimes it will take a professional deprogrammer to get the blame and self doubt out of my head. I must say he helped get me to this way of thinking because i was very vulnerable when i met him and i was a bit socially isolated because of my disability. and i am the type of person to reflect on things and not too smug to believe myself right all the time. that attitude coupled with his ways of being controlling in nature or (selfish) made me a very self -doubting person now. i am out of the relationship but not of that syndrome of thinking. you asked what do i love about my ex. that was the most awesome question. NOTHING now..yet i still love him. but logically nothing. he's just this memory to me and someone who seems so insensitive and seems like a stranger now. but i miss what could have been with us, when it was good. i miss the adventures i used to have with him. i miss the security my brain thought i had with him. i miss the love making. i miss making him happy. i thought i did once upon a time. i miss how feminine i felt with him. i miss his blue eyes. his voice, laugh we had things in common like, he hated clutter. Gosh this sounds stupid...he liked organization. i miss those commonalties. he liked to play computer games. So do i. he liked the same foods i liked and like experimenting with different ones. he was done having children. so was i. he like fantasy i liked reality based things..but he helped me use my imagination. LOL. he made me imagine i would be with him and i miss that dream now and that sense of reality in my life. now i am angry i have to make a new reality. he wasted 5 years making me believe we would end up together. i think i loved things that kinda surrounded him, more then i loved things about him. does that make sense? you are making me realize this, as i write. but i still miss and love him either that or my brain and soul and just begging to make this right. i feel so abandon and lost.

katty...i was really moved by your story. it's so darn horrible that something bad..a real violation had to happen to you on that ill-fated day. you sound brave. a true survivor. someone who had to really rely on holding on to herself and who she was/is....and how that plays into the person who you are now. you have no shame here. they should be ashamed and bow their heads to God for violating any human being and their person and spirit. but i can understand and anyone can surely understand how you woould trust so fast. rightfully so. and its true..i other things were survived we should draw from that soemhow. loss of love is a tough thing to get through. it's someone you know or knew and thought you could trust so i think it can really leave you in shock and sorrow. but i know there must be hope out there. i am happy to find this forum or i would go nuts. and when the one you love goes and gets engaged asap after you break up ..you ask yourself wtf? what did i ever mean to you anyway? sheesh that was fast. wow dont go getting over me too soon now. ha! i am still in hell and would like to share that in my next post. and need to update you guys. just wanted to thank u guys. i am in my early 40's. we split 1 year ago. hes ben engaged for 1/2 of that year.
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Old 27th July 2005, 11:15 PM   #7
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IfIknewthen.. Hey buddy, I didn't realize just how much of my ordeal I had shared with you but apparently I shared a lot of it. I know that we are both going to get thru these bumps in the road of love/life and we will one day look back and then look over at our soul-mate or some other hottie and thank God for these bumps. It was good to hear from you. Again I apologize that I spilled out so much to you in that post. I try not to dwell on that part bc I let the two men that attacked me steal several months from me and I refuse to let them steal one more second of my time.
Glad your doing ok. Keep me posted. OK? Oh BTW sorry to hear that your ex is engaged and it has been such a short time, but know that it won't last, the guy I dated for 7 years seemed to rebound quickly and talked about marriage but it was the worst rs he ever had, took him 4 restraining orders, etc. to get out of that engagement. Take care.
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Old 27th July 2005, 11:42 PM   #8
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I don't know if this helps, but I have a chick friend. She broke up with her longtime boyfriend in her early twenties. He was her first everything. After the break up, she did her own thing, probably had sex with 6 or 8 guys, one of them I thought she was going to marry. Anyway, three years later, the guy she broke up with got beat up pretty bad. She drove an hour to see him in the hospital. Two years after that they were married. I'm not saying test your ex's true feelings by putting yourself in the hospital. It just took her over three years to see that he was what she really needed all along. They've been married for a while now and doing great.
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Old 3rd August 2005, 11:53 PM   #9
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drivetildriven thanks for your words. they offer comfort. i think this person wrote me off altogether for now. seems like anyway. but your words did comfort me. thank you!
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