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Troubled about my girlfriend's sexual history


Troubled Virgin

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Troubled Virgin

When I first asked out my girlfriend I knew she wasn't a virgin. It bothered me a little but she's only 20 and I figured she just made some youthful mistakes or had done some exploration or something. I'm still a virgin, I've been waiting until I found the right girl, a girl I thought I could spend the rest of my life with. I hoped that when I found her, she would have waited for me too. Well I thought I could cope with my girlfriend's past, but we have been going out for almost three months and it still bothers me. I told myself that it's in the past, what matters is she is with me now and she loves me and I really believe that. But sometimes when I am thinking about her it just pops into my head, I can't help it. I see her with another guy and I feel so hurt.

 

The other day it occurred to me out of nowhere that maybe her sexual experiences weren't youthful mistakes or exploration. So I decided to ask her about it. It turns out she's slept with 5 guys. She said she's had sex probably 100 times. I couldn't believe it. I was having trouble coping when I thought she'd just had sex a few times, and now I'm faced with 100 times. I've read about other guys problems with their girlfriend's past, but usually they aren't virgins and people say they are hypocrites, expecting a girl to wait but sleeping around themselves. Well I haven't done that. I have waited, and waited, and waited. It wasn't an easy thing to do. But I thought it was the right thing to do, I wanted sex to be special and I wanted to share it only with the girl I was going to share my life with. And the girl I picked, the girl I thought I could spend my life with has had sex 100 times, she's slept with 5 different guys. She knows what it feels like to be with all these different people, and somewhere out there THEY know what it's like to be with her.

 

It makes me sick thinking about it, and I TRY not to really hard. I think about all the good times we've had and how happy we've been together and I tell myself it doesn't matter. But it keeps coming back into my head. I told her I wanted to wait until marriage before we had sex, but recently I changed my mind. I decided I wanted to just go ahead and have sex now so I wouldn't be thinking about how I'm a virgin and she's not on our wedding night. I told her that and she started talking about how she wants to "do me" and it's like, I've always thought of it as "making love." And she talks about it like just "doing it". The way she sees it is completely different than me. When she talks about it it's not romantic at all, it's not love it's just sex. I really wanted her to be the girl, but now I'm starting to doubt my decision to have sex JUST so I'm not a virgin. If I end up not staying with her then I would probably regret not being able to give my virginity to the girl I spend my life with. I really do care about her. She says she would die without me, and I worry what she would do if I broke up with her. She's become so attached to me. But I'm also worried that her past will continue to bother me, and that maybe I should wait and try to find a girl that will love me and has waited for me.

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If you're uncomfortable or have held yourself to higher standards, then so be it. If you find her 'un-selectiveness' a turn-off, that's your right and your perrogative. But tell her now before you're in too deep.

 

No, I wouldn't just sleep with her either. You've waited this long, why negotiate your needs, wants and demands for someone that hasn't done the same?

 

Either let go or get busy loving. Love holds no grudges, or so they say.

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I'm sorry dude but you cant change the past, its well behind you (and her). You need to either accept it (and her along with her past) or find someone who doesnt have a history that makes you feel ill when you think too hard about it.

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She slept with five guys... big deal.

 

You won't feel so bad once you get it out of the way with... in fact, you probably won't care who she slept with as long as she continues sleeping with you.

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If you can't deal with it, you can't. Nobody can tell you how to feel.

 

Just be aware that the older you get, assuming you don't want to keep dating teenagers, there will be a dwindling supply of virgins, and you may have to settle eventually or end up alone.

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It's commendable and totally within your right to "wait" to have sex with the right woman.........but that's you. You knew off the bat that she wasn't a virgin when you met her and began dating her - it's not like she mislead you in this regard.

 

It wasn't too bright to ask her how many partners she's had AND how many times she's had sex. Don't ask the question if you can't deal with the answer. She was also not too sharp to tell you "100 times."

 

Anyway, find yourself a virgin to date and let this one go. I've read it a million times - virgins (guys and gals) who develop huge hungups over the fact that their partner wasn't a virgin and had a sexual past.......it's an issue that never goes away.

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Don't compromise your values for someone else, ever. If giving your virginity to someone you marry is important to you, keep it that way.

 

From my experience, it is very, very difficult to find a virgin over the age of 18 in today's world, so you have your work cut out for you.

 

I have had women say things to me like, "It's just sex" and it creeps me out, to be honest. I find that attitude filthy. I am not a virgin by any stretch of the imagination, but all of my encounters meant more than just a physical release, and when woman says something like that--especially one I care about, it really bothers me. I have a very hard time getting past it.

 

I don't like that I can't get past it, either. It shouldn't matter what her attitude toward casual sex is, if she is with me and commited and doesn't cheat. But it does, so that makes me feel even worse. And if she has done wilder things than I have or had more partners than I have it is worse. Now I make it a point to never ask and try to keep the woman from telling me about it. It's better that I not know! Some women love to talk about it though, as if it's a badge of honor or makes them sexy or "liberated" or something.

 

You are not alone, my friend.

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Few things in life are more appealing than a condescending virgin...

 

Excuse the irony.

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well i really don't know what to tell you... a little history of myself.. I to wanted to wait till I was married to have sex. My virginity was something that I wanted to give to my husband as my gift that I waited for him and all that. Well it didn't work so well. I started dating this guy who was a virgin too and eventually we took that away from each other. Now we've broken up and some days I feel so bad because now I can't give that to my husband. I'm only 16, but I wrote him[my husband] a letter and just said how sorry I was for what I had done. The reason I wrote it because I am afraid that when I do meet him, like you he will find it hard to accept and forgive me for my past. No I didn't have sex 100 times. In fact I haven't even had it 5 times. But I wrote him that letter so that when i'm 20 or 24 or however old, he'll know what when I was 16 I decided to start again for HIM. I don't know your girlfriend and what she's really like and what her intentions are, but you do need to forgive her, and she needs to understand the process to and in a way, forgive herself. No it won't be easy, but perhaps if she's like me at all then she really will be sorry for what she did, and wants you to trust and love her and wants to give herself to you in a totally new way... Sorry if that didn't help, just kinda my experience and thoughts...

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Selah, if the guys loves you, he won't give a damn who you've been with.

 

You're still young, but don't let the guilt consume you... just have fun dating, and understand that living means learning.

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Curious - if she had sex with ONE guy a hundred times, would it make you feel any different? Was it the amount of times or the amount of guys? I don't think she's been bad at all. However, if it compromises how you feel for her, then maybe you are not ready to take that step with her, yet.

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