Rape victim

[Athena21]

About two years ago, I was in basic training for the army reserves. I had a boyfriend whom I had been with for six months before I left. While I was away, he took a trip to Cancun and got really drunk and kissed two girls at the same time and there was a picture taken. He had no idea that it happened until we went to get the pictures developed at my basic training graduation. He felt really bad for it especially since he didn't remember. Before we really got a chance to talke about it he had to leave.

 

During the last part part of my training we were allowed to go out to clubs and stay at hotels on the weekends. For some reason I started to act really different and dressed up every weekend and went to clubs and got drunk and stayed in hotel rooms with other guys. And one night, I got drunk and another guy tried to kiss me and I backed away at firdt, but then he tried to do it again and I just let it happen, but after I pushed him away, I instantly thought of my boyfriend. A few weeks later, I was out at a resteraunt with some friends and I had a few drinks and needed a ride home. So a friend of a friend offered to take me back to my hotel room.

 

He was supposed to just drop me off, but he asked to use the bathroom. So I let him in. When he came out, I went to show him out, but he shut the door and locked it, and turned off the light. He then tried to kiss me and I backed off. Then he pushed me on the bed and without any further detail, he raped me. After it was finally over, he just got up and left, and I was in such shock, that I put my clothes back on and cried myself to sleep. I never told anyone except the police when I filed the report.

 

Six months after I got home, I told my boyfriend that someone tried to rape me. I thought it would make me feel better without hurting him too much because for some reason he kept asking me if anything happened over there and I kept denying it. Well, now it's two years later and he finally asked and I gave in and told him everything. No he says that he will be my friend but we will never have a relationship again because I put myself in danger so many times and that I didn't act as if I loved him since I lied to him this whole time. But the reason I lied is because I was afraid of this, I am so afraid of losing him.

[tiki]

So he dumped you because you were raped? Even if it was a while back, I say good riddance. Sheesh.

 

Does he even believe you? Can you get the police report?

 

I'd be a little upset, but not dump-worthy.

[sunshinegirl]

Wow. Tough situation. I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you.

 

I guess all I can say is that a man who really loved you would work through this with you. I don't know what the two years in between was like between you, but the stuff that happened at the start of all this doesn't really bode well for a healthy, mutually trusting relationship.

 

Again, I'm sorry.

[Athena21]

Originally posted by tiki

So he dumped you because you were raped?

 

Does he even believe you? Can you get the police report?

 

He didn't dump me because I was raped, he dumped me because I lied to him for three years about going out and putting myself in danger. He believes me, but he wants the police report because he wants to help me. He is going to go to counseling with me after I go a couple of times by myself. I hope that it helps our relationship because this has really shown me how much we really love each other.

[VirginiaBob]

I'm going to play the other side of this and agree with your bf that if were "putting yourself out there" by going out, getting drunk, and hanging out in guy's hotel rooms. It wasn't your fault that it happened, but you weren't exactly protecting yourself either. Then again, the whole him kissing 2 girls wasn't that great of him either. There was obviously a lot of disloyalty on both of your parts and you shouldn't be in a relationship with each other. The damage is done.

[Athena21]

Since the incident of his kissing those girls, he has been completely loyal and honest. And since I was raped, I have been completely faithful and haven't acted that way since. I have been completely honest about everything else but this situation because it was so hard for me to even think about.

[FolderWife]

So how can we help you? I didn't see a question in your story.

 

And by the way...he dumped you, so

this has really shown me how much we really love each other.

 

That doesn't make an ounce of sense

[Athena21]

I just want to know if breaking up is the right thing to do, because at this point he is swaying back and forth on whether or not we should be together. He says that if it never happened we would have been perfect.

[Athena21]

I guess what I am asking is: do I deserve a second chance?

[RecordProducer]

Dear Athena, this jerk made you feel bad for being a victim of a heavy crime. You're as much guilty as you would be if someone shot you for no reason. Even if you were drunk or dressed up, you were raped! It takes years to get rid of the feeling of guilt and this guy simply dumps you after 2.5 years because he accuses you of some bulkrap (I don't even get what he accuses you for).

I was molested by my step-father when I was 12-14. I've told this to all the people I care about and everyone was completely on my side. This thing will never vanish from my head and soul and I could never be around anyone who would try to make me feel guilty about being a victim of such a terrible crime.

Obviously we put ourselves in danger all the time. We make mistakes, we're naive, and often stupid. What's that got to do with your love for him after 2 years?

You acted like that because you wanted a revenge for his kisses with other girls. Admit that you were mean to yourself at that time. It's very important to be honest with yourself so that you're clearly aware of where your guilt stops and someone else's begins. Your BF feels indirectly guilty (if you have told him what you wrote in the introduction of your post) so he wants to put the blame on you. But you also want to put the blame on him. There is only one person who is guilty of this crime and that's neither you or your BF.

He might want to return to you when he figures out that he made a mistake. Don't take him back unless he admits he was an idiot and apologizes.

[Zaira]

I agree. Just because you may have been going out and having fun, a bit of flirting etc, does NOT mean you deserved to be raped. I can sort of understand why he is upset though - He wanted you to be able to share this all with him so he could help you through it. If he's going to stick by you though and help you with your counselling, that's a good sign. Just don't push things and see how it goes. NEVER blame yourself for what happened to you though.

[Athena21]

I only blame myself for lying to him for so long and for putting myself into situations that could have easily been avoided. He is trying very hard to be supportive. It hurts so much to see this man that has only cried infront of me twice (once when I was leaving for basic training and the other when his grandpa was in the ICU) to cry so often because of me. He has been telling me that he will always be there for me and he is just hurt because I put myself in danger when he told me to be safe, not because I kissed someone else or because I was raped. I have a feeling that although we will have to be friends for a while, that we will eventually end up together, we always do. I just wanted some reasoning as to whether or not breaking up is the right thing to do when we were serious enough to be talking about marriage.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Give him time. You have known about the rape for 2 years - this is new to him.

 

It's very painful for a guy to hear about his gf's rape or sexual molestation. We're supposed to be there for our girls and we have a strong instinct to protect them, so this hits hard.

[Athena21]

I think that time will heal this especially since he has told me that he feels partially responsible for not being able to protect me from that type of situation and that is why is has been so difficult for him. I told him about this on Monday, and Tuesday night, he asked me to come over to go for a walk. It started out as us just talking about everything that is going on, but we ended up having very passionate sex. Afterward, he said that we shouldn't have done that because it felt like he was having sex with another person. Then, yesterday, he asked me to come over for dinner. It started out pretty much that same way as the day before. We talked about things, then we bagan to put it out of our minds and had a really good time together like nothing ever happened. We had sex again and after he acted the same as before. He keeps saying that he is trying really hard to not think about it but when we showered after, he just began to cry and told me that no one will ever hurt me again as long as he is alive. But then, he says that we aren't together. He is not using me for sex because he isn't the type of person that could do that. And he keeps saying that I am not the same person anymore. I just don't know where this is going I just hope that I am right in thinking that time will heal all.

[Athena21]

Give him time. You have known about the rape for 2 years - this is new to him.

 

Is it unforgivable that I kept it from him for two years?

[Zaira]

Originally posted by Athena21

Is it unforgivable that I kept it from him for two years?

 

NO. Everyone deals with things differently and in their OWN time.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Athena21

Is it unforgivable that I kept it from him for two years?

 

Zaira's right - of course not. It would have been better if you had told him sooner, but it's in the nature of rape that women have difficulty talking about it and often keep it to themselves for years. You're fine, sweetie.

 

 

I think that time will heal this especially since he has told me that he feels partially responsible for not being able to protect me from that type of situation and that is why is has been so difficult for him.

 

Exactly. He will feel that he failed in his duty of protecting you. This is no more logical than you feeling ashamed because of something someone else did to you. But these are the ways that men and women react to rape.

 

 

We had sex again and after he acted the same as before. He keeps saying that he is trying really hard to not think about it but when we showered after, he just began to cry and told me that no one will ever hurt me again as long as he is alive. But then, he says that we aren't together.

 

The sex (making you his again) is another typical part of the pattern. This situation is pretty mixed up. I'd say you should see a therapist or couples counsellor together. And I'd recommend you don't have sex with him if you're not together.

[burntagain11]

Many forget that rape is a crime against men also. If someone hurts the one you love, it affects you greatly.

[Athena21]

I went to a counselor yesterday and she gave me a lot of the same advice like you said, to just give it time. He wanted me to let him know how the counseling session went, so I called him when I was done and told him everything we talked about. I included the fact that I shared a hotel room with another guy one night (two seperate beds, I changed in the bathroom and nothing happened at all between us). The reason I shared with him is because I was in a leadership position for the duration of my training and a lot of girls didn't like me and I couldn't afford a room by myself. When I was telling him this (which is something I had explained to him before but with much less explaination as to why I stayed with another guy) he started to flip out saying that I never told him that part and then he quickly began to cry and got off the phone with me. I tried to call back but he didn't answer. On his voicemail I explained the reasons why I stayed in the room and the fact that nothing at all happened.

 

He called me back about a half an hour later and was really upset with me saying that now I can stay in rooms with guys all I want and he is going to do it too. He was so upset with me that I began to cry and my mom grabbed the phone from me (I was driving) and she told him that this is really hard for me but I am trying to get through it with him. He told her he was sorry for upsetting me and hung up.

 

Later on, I called him to tell him that I love him. He sounded kind of like he had too much to drink and I got worried because he was alone. So I went to his house and he was really drunk and mad. But he was wearing a promise ring that I gave him that he hasn't worn since we have been having problems, that really surprised me. The night started out kind of rocky and I wasn't planning on staying the night, but he wanted me to. He said that he isn't ready for me to move back in yet, but he wants to be with me all the time.

 

The conselor said that I should ask him what he needs whether it be time away from me or not. When I asked him though, he said that it is hard to be with me, but it hard to be without me. Sometimes he calls me throughout the day and asks me questions like what was I thinking at a certain time while I was over there, or why did I do this and if he doesn't get the answer he wants or if he thinks that I'm lying, he gets upset. I am not quite sure how to deal with him when he does that because I feel like I am being attacked or interigated. Should I just answer his questions as best as I can and when he gets mad, just let him say what he needs to say? Or should I be defensive when I am feeling attacked?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Athena21

When I asked him though, he said that it is hard to be with me, but it hard to be without me.

 

Give him space. When he wants to get drunk, leave him to it. He needs time to process things.

 

 

Should I just answer his questions as best as I can and when he gets mad, just let him say what he needs to say?

 

I'd answer his questions, but have groundrules. For example: his curiosity is ok, but he needs to treat you with dignity. And he needs to be gentle, respecting the fact that this is difficult for you too. Your mum is in the right track, IMO.

[Athena21]

I know that the right thing to do is to give him space, but he has been calling me off the hook since I told him what happened and he wants to be with me a lot more now too. I am not sure what is better for him. As for the questions, I kind of put my foot down today because he asked me if I only called him when I was bored (while I was in training). I said no, I called him because I missed him. Then he began to say that I didn't miss him when I was out at clubs getting drunk and everything. So I told him that I am trying hard to get through this just like he is and he needs to stop trying to make me feel worse than I already do.

 

Last night, he was trying to get me to be as drunk as he was and I am not much of a drinker especially since it got me into trouble when I was away. After him trying and me not responding, he broke down and said that since I drank so much out there, he didn't see why I can't do it with him. I tried to explain to him that I was going through kind of a wild phase at the time and now I am two years older and more mature and I don't need alcohol to have fun with him. I think that is another reason why I got drunk more than usual when I was out there is because I missed him and my family.

[SoleMate]

Look folks, poor judgment is not a rapeable offense. Yes, Athena21, you deserve to be forgiven. Your bf sounds quite confused and cruel. I really have to question whether you should be with him.

 

This story is a confirmation of the news reports of the past few years - that US servicewomen run a high risk of being sexually assaulted - not by the enemy - but by their own comrades!!! Sickening. I'd like to see some courts martial to address this.

[Athena21]

Maybe I am misleading you by the way I tell my story. My boyfriend has been very supportive about the rape issue. He is upset and hurt by the fact that I lied to him about the partying even though he asked me several times. I felt that at the time I needed to do what I was doing to somewhat get it out of my system and he has even said that if I told him that I was going out clubbing, drinking etc. that we wouldn't have stayed together long enough for me to come home, I didn't want to lose him and I still don't. I didn't go out and look for guys or anything like that, but it was the first time out of my parents' reach that I could do whatever I wanted and since then, I haven't done any of the things that I did over there because it was simply a phase. I am confused about my boyfriends' response to me coming clean to him about all this, he says that me lying to him resulted in a broken heart, but since I told him, we have spent more time together and the things I have been asking him to do for me for years (cooking dinner for me, help clean the house etc.) he is finally doing and I feel better around him knowing that if I am thinking about what happened to me, I can talk to him about it instead of pretending that everything is fine. Even our sex life has improved! It's strange.

[JAyJAy]

HI Athena,

 

You have been through so much in the past two years that your going to need to get some kind of sense of where you ought to be right now. RAPE, thats a big deal for any woman to go through even if you did put yourself in that situation, no woman deserves to be violated. Counseling may help but at this time you need more support than counseling and if he isn't willing to give you that than you need to start considering floating your boat in another direction.

 

You need to look at the future right now...Is this the guy you want to marry? Have kids with? Die with?!!! If he cant except this mishap than you can forget about him.. He isn't husband material..In life there will be bigger and harder obstacles to get by and if he cant handle this than he cant handle anything...

 

And he did know what he was doing when he was kissing those two girls.. What guy wouldn't remember kissing two girls???? Don't be gullible. He made a mistake and you forgave him. He should be a bit more understanding on your part. You didn't ask for this. He's an A-hole. Tell him I said that!!!!!!GOOD LUCK!!!

[Athena21]

My boyfriend is by no means an a-hole! He has been very supportive as I have said in past replies but people keep coming back saying that he is the one at fault for not being there for me. I did a lot of things ( going out clubbing, drinking, staying in a hotel room with a guy even if nothing happened, it was wrong). All the while, he asked and asked and asked me to be safe and I lied to him and told him that I didn't drink over there, that I didn't kiss anyone, that I didn't dance with guys when I went out to clubs.

 

Despite the fact I was raped, I lied to him over and over again for two years and tried to pretend that I didn't do anything wrong. That is what he has a problem forgiving me for. He is there for me when I need to talk about what happened, but he is confused as to whether or not I loved him back then like I said I did.

 

I know that I loved him then, because I have always loved him, but he doesn't seem to understand that this was all just a phase, I have gone back to my normal lifestyle since I have been home, and this is how I intend to be: going out to clubs but not dancing with other guys because I can have a good time without that, not drinking to get drunk and if I do drink, I make sure it is with people I trust, and being completely faithful which isn't hard at all because I KNOW that I want to be his wife one day. I love him with all me heart and I just hope we get through this. Thank you for your comment.