mustangsally Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 My ex broke up with me about 5 months ago. He was really, really upset when breaking up with me...and I think the most accurate reason for him breaking up with me is 1) he got scared because we were getting really serious and it scared him and 2) uncertainty of his future and 3) someone pushing him telling him he was too young to get serious 4) we were long distance. He also wasn't very excited that I was exhibiting "lethargic" behavior, but I had found out I had a disease after the break-up which I let him know about about three months ago. ANYWAY, he said he was always friends with all of his exes because he liked all of these girls and wanted to be friends. I don't think it was a line, and he even said it wasn't a line. He used to call me all of the time after the break up until I told him to stop. Once I told him to stop, he sought companionship with another girl...but it was ill-fated as they've since broken up. He claimed he had moved on and was ready to be friends, but I told him no and I'd let him know when I wanted to be friends with him. After our break-up, he was really, really depressed...almost suicidal, gained a lot of weight....just generally didn't seem to be the happy person I knew. He tried to contact me a few times, but I ignored it as I wasn't ready to talk to him. Pretty recently, it was discovered he's moving to where I live for the next few years. We'll be seeing each other every day, etc. I wrote him an e-mail telling him I was seeing someone new and didn't want him back, but i wanted to be friends with him since we used to be best friends and were going to be in a small environment together. He would e-mail me, but would refuse to call me. He would talk to me on IM, but again, would avoid the subject of calling me. I saw him recently at an event with his whole family. I'm pretty sure he knew I was going to be there....but I wasn't sure if he was going to. He was all dressed up, overdressed for the event. His parents were just as friendly to me as they had ever been and said they missed seeing me around, etc. and asked me if I had seen him. I said no. I saw him later, but I pointedly ignored him and acted like i was happy as a clam with our mutual friends and his presence didn't bother me a bit. He looked kind of dejected and tried to catch my eye a couple of times but I avoided it. I stayed a while afterwards laughing and talking with our friends ignoring his presence and not letting on to anyone I still kind of held feelings for him. He saw how happy I was and looked really upset and just BOLTED seperate from his family. Am I wrong in assuming that if he had no feelings for me, it would be no problem to call me or come up to me and talk to me casually thinking I had moved on? I haven't moved on, so I'm protecting myself by not going up to him. Was he perhaps doing the same thing? In my experience, men usually seem to ignore things they can't control. He then wrote in his online journal thing about being upset later that night...and since the break-up, this usually happy person has transformed to a Hemingway-quoting guy who's played the victim. I know I hurt him and apologized several times. But he thinks I've moved on...which I told him I had as a defense mechanism. Link to post Share on other sites
Zaira Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 If you truly care for this guy, don't play games with him. Start as friends (guard your feelings until you're sure it can work again), and see what happens from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mustangsally Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 the problem is, i feel like he's too scared to be friends with me now because he has feelings and thinks I don't and doesn't want to hang around with me if he thinks I've moved on. That's all i can figure out because I know he wanted to be friends a while ago and said he loved hanging out with me and didn't want to sacrifice our friendship...he tried to keep it going but I told him I'd tell him if I was ready. And now that I have....he seems to be backing away and acting the way I did when he wanted to be "just friends". I'm really confused...angry and in love! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mustangsally Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 also once he told me since I was his first...everything, he'd doubt he'd ever get over me and he'd always have a very special spot in his heart for me. But then he claimed a couple weeks later he had moved on when he was with new girl (who was geographically closer to him...but very bizarre...their relationship was VERY bizarre), and then his odd-behavior began right about the time he was considering and then dumping new girl. Now he doesn't claim anything. He doesn't claim to have moved on, but he doesn't claim to love me. He doesn't say he wants to be friends, but he doesn't say he wants more. At one time he told me we'd probably get back together if he moved closer to me (which ended up happening). Then we got in a fight and he said it would never happen. But I feel like now he still has feelings for me or realized he was lying to himself, because otherwise he'd be able to call me, talk to me in the non-anonymity of the internet! But its now hard because I've been hurt by him and don't want to get sliced open again...and he...I guess doesn't want the rejection from me. I was trying to think of other examples where guys have ignored past girlfriends if they have had no feelings for them and I couldn't think of any. I remember one, but that was because the girl was really insistant about getting back together and an apology for what he did wrong. I have not asked for anything, except to be friends and have not pushed him...he's e-mailed me on his own accord. It seems that if had dealt with it, he'd be able to call me up or even come up to me at an event and not leave looking upset when I don't talk to him...you know? I remember this guy had feelings for me and I rejected him, but said I wanted to be his friend and he ignored me at a party until I had to literally corner him to talk to him and told him he was being ridiculous. And now I feel how he felt.... I guess its easier for both of us to put up walls in defense. I don't want to bother him or push him away, so I've pretty much left him alone lately and obviously left him alone at the event. People say "Well, if he wanted you back, he'd tell you..." but not necessarily. I mean I want him back and I'm not telling him...in fact I'm doing the opposite and alluding that I've been seeing someone new, etc. And if he thinks I was able to deal with my feelings and not push them away as he's now dealing with his feelings....then he's probably like "Oh screw it." I want him to work out his issues that drove us to the breakup because I don't want a repeat performance....but at the same time, I don't want it to be too late. And then I also don't want to push him away. It would be so much easier if someone just pushed him forward and told him to DO SOMETHING if he wants it. Link to post Share on other sites
Zaira Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 If you want something from him though, the first thing you have to be is HONEST. Tell him that you would like to see him/spend time together and see how it works from there. You're over analysing the whole situation Link to post Share on other sites
Author mustangsally Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 i know! i love to overanalyze! Link to post Share on other sites
shygurl Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 I wrote him an e-mail telling him I was seeing someone new and didn't want him back, but i wanted to be friends with him since we used to be best friends and were going to be in a small environment together You told the guy you're seeing someone new and that you didn't want him back. So what the heck are you expecting? Seems you're playing games with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mustangsally Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 I did that because at the time I THOUGHT he was seeing another girl and I didn't want her to tell him to not talk to me....but I guess he was in process of dumping her. Link to post Share on other sites
Zaira Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 Have you made your move yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mustangsally Posted July 5, 2005 Author Share Posted July 5, 2005 No...his away messages have been consistantly sad as well.... Oh well...he's leaving for abroad for a while. Might as well give him some time to think on his own, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Zaira Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 It's up to you. I'd be tempted to call and say (or leave a message) "Have a nice trip. Hope to hear from you when you get back." At least it will give you both something to be optimistic about Link to post Share on other sites
Author mustangsally Posted July 5, 2005 Author Share Posted July 5, 2005 yeah...but I don't want to push him away again.... I just am deathly afraid of getting hurt again. Link to post Share on other sites
Zaira Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 Originally posted by mustangsally yeah...but I don't want to push him away again.... I just am deathly afraid of getting hurt again. I think the only way you have pushed him away is to tell him that you're with someone else. If you think he's worth the risk, take it Link to post Share on other sites
Author mustangsally Posted July 5, 2005 Author Share Posted July 5, 2005 Well, I would like him to figure out what made him break up with me, run to another girl and then dump her and now unable to talk to me. I told him I was seeing someone else because I thought that's what he wanted to hear considering he had said he just wanted to be platonic friends. But clearly, there's something lingering or he could really honestly be platonic friends....or am I just being stupid? Link to post Share on other sites
Zaira Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by mustangsally Well, I would like him to figure out what made him break up with me, run to another girl and then dump her and now unable to talk to me. I told him I was seeing someone else because I thought that's what he wanted to hear considering he had said he just wanted to be platonic friends. But clearly, there's something lingering or he could really honestly be platonic friends....or am I just being stupid? Like I said before - overanalysing If you like the guy, think he's worth the risk, then make your move Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by mustangsally Well, I would like him to figure out what made him break up with me, run to another girl and then dump her and now unable to talk to me. I told him I was seeing someone else because I thought that's what he wanted to hear considering he had said he just wanted to be platonic friends. But clearly, there's something lingering or he could really honestly be platonic friends....or am I just being stupid? You're not being stupid, it does sound like something is lingering. BUT, what you did at the party is a good way to keep him from contacting you. Even if he does figure out what made him break up with you and even if he is sure he wants you back, totally ignoring him at a party is going to make it that much less likely he'll contact you. If I were you I would only keep up that kind of thing if you didn't want him back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mustangsally Posted July 6, 2005 Author Share Posted July 6, 2005 right...but right now i'm just guarding my feelings and it seems like he's doing the same thing. It already hurt a lot to put so much of your time and effort into someone for 7-8 months and just have them dump you and then get with another girl less than a month later and have them tell you they've moved on. While I don't believe him and I did the same thing to him, it really hurt anyway. I don't know how to read him...if he genuinely wants to ignore me because I did something dreadful or because he doesn't know how to deal with his feelings towards me. Our e-mails weren't particularly friendly, but not unfriendly...but I guess I set the tone because my e-mail was never very funny or happy go lucky...just kind of short and sweet. It just doesn't make a lot of sense to me. And I'm scared of talking to him because I'm scared he's going to be rude or something...but I guess I shouldn't expect it if he will talk to me over e-mail and AIM. Also something else I noticed was weird...my friend told me out of the blue that he had broken up with his new girlfriend. She said "Yeah, I was hanging out with one of his friends and he just told me out of the blue about it. I never even brought him up." I don't know if it had any connection, but I often wonder if he told that person to tell me or if perhaps I'm overanalyzing too much. Are men just as scared as women? If you wanted to get back with your ex would you act like this? If your ex didn't do anything to you and you wanted to be friends with her for a long time, but she needed "time" and then time passes and you move on, would you act like you had never met her even though you'll have to be in the same vicinity of her every day? I just don't get it. Why ignore me in person (I did the same thing mind you...I'm guilty as charged!) when you'll talk to me over the internet? I guess next time I see him I'll talk to him. I'll have plenty of opportunities in the upcoming months. Link to post Share on other sites
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