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Was I The Rebound?


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 3rd February 2018, 6:26 PM   #1
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Unhappy Was I The Rebound?

Hello to all of You!

I hope that with this thread I can get many insights and experiences for myself and for all those of you who have this question. Not quite sure where to post this


I was always interested if I was a rebound to all of my "serious" boyfriends.
I was always the next after a long or really intense RS.
The first BF talked about his model ex GF all the time and I could see that he wasn't even 1% over her. The RS ended and I am so grateful for it. Never spoke to him again after I accepted it and never will.
My second, last ex BF, whom I was with for 3 and a half years was with a girl for 5 years before he met me and it took him, according to everybody but him, a long time to get over her. He begged and did so much crazy romantic stuff to get her back but nothing worked.
I never wanted to talk about it but a few friends pointed out that it was a miracle that he met me. They told me how they almost got married and that he talked a lot about her before me and how he couldn't forgive himself for letting her go.
When I tried to talk about it one time he got mad, Everything he told me was a lie (because it didn't match up with the stories before) and he talked really bad about her.
I got the feeling that after he left me a month ago and never reached out that I was the rebound. I guess that it doesn't mather that we were together for years because he ended it and never looked back. I don't want him back but I have this gut feeling that he isn't and never was over her.

This is the type of closure I need: general facts and expriences.

Has anybody of you been a rebound?
If yes, when did you realise it and how did you react?
Did they go back to the ex?
Or did anybody go back to an ex after they have been in a long RS and how did they feel about the rebound?

I think it is better to talk about it here than to search for questions by talking with my ex. I really am not interested in talking to him anymore but I think that it would help a lot to get some answers and exeriences!

Thanks!
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Old 11th February 2018, 2:26 AM   #2
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Everyone is a rebound until they have a meaningful relationship. That’s just the way it is. Doesn’t matter how long it lasts. And we’re all dating someone when we first meet. Nobody is ever totally available. We are still in love with someone we’ve lost or hoping to love someone we’re dating.

What happens is that we make a choice. When it feels right we choose one person & hope it works out.
Beachead and burnt like this.
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Old 11th February 2018, 7:02 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflying View Post
Everyone is a rebound until they have a meaningful relationship. That’s just the way it is. Doesn’t matter how long it lasts. And we’re all dating someone when we first meet. Nobody is ever totally available. We are still in love with someone we’ve lost or hoping to love someone we’re dating.

What happens is that we make a choice. When it feels right we choose one person & hope it works out.

Sorry for the long post that's coming your way. I recently went through my own personal situation within the realm of this topic and the emotions are still quite fresh for me.

My ex was with her ex for a good 4 years before they began to have problems. She met me and left him to be with him. I should have known better but for the explanation that Butterflying offered, I decided it was worth it for me to give it a try with this girl. Talking to her and being with her was a beautiful experience that I couldn't turn away from I truly wish it would have worked out for us.

Unfortunately, it went in the favor of a typical rebound and we began to have problems. Problems that had nothing to do with us or our compatibility but simply her not being over him. She constantly talked about him and would compare him to me. Somehow, someway, the topic of him would slide into our discussions. We'd go out and have a great time or so I thought only for her to be upset over something about him. "His Birthday" their "Anniversary" or the place we went to reminded her of when they were together. Initially when it began, I was understanding and listened and offered unbiased perspective. But as time went, it started to hurt and frustrate and generate insecurities. There were times she'd tell me she wasn't okay and break up but then come back. Happened 5 or 6 times. I fought for her, didn't let go, and took her back each and everytime. But I saw her gradually smile less and less each time she did come back to try it again. I'd try to turn up my effort and try to do things that would make her smile or laugh. I'd try to plan out outings that would give her a good experience. But my efforts were in vain because it eventually felt like I wasn't good enough. By the end, I started to lose my cool because it was wounding.

What really ended it for me was her assuring she knew what she was feeling. She assured me to trust her and have faith in her when I voiced my concerns and fears. I really opened up to her about it because I needed to her understand. After that talk, I decided to give it one more proper chance and put all my doubts and fears aside. 2 weeks later, it was back to similar problems and this time it was worse.

..and that was it for me. I knew this was over even though she didn't. I also knew the reason she was acting like this was because she missed her ex.

I went through so much of this in my past that I just couldn't take on even one more day of being with someone who didn't want to be with me. She cared about me but she loved him and she needed to go back to him and figure it out. My only regret was I should have remained calm in the final week of dealing with this reality but I was so heartbroken over the thought of losing her and another relationship failing in my life, that I allowed my anger and sadness to get the best of me. But, the only way the two of us could have had something meaningful was for her to be finished with him. She wasn't. So what we were doing to one another was unfair. I was never one to back away from a relationship but in this particular case, I saw there was no winning this. I could have been as perfect as I could have been and she would have left me anyway. What hurts is she promised him she wouldn't talk to me and she's stuck by that decision.

It's been 6 month since we broke up, 4 months of No Contact and about 5 months since she reached out on her own. I expect them to get engaged this year.
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Last edited by Beachead; 11th February 2018 at 7:49 PM..
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