LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Coping

break up with toxic person


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

Like Tree18Likes
  • 3 Post By primer
  • 7 Post By divegrl
  • 1 Post By sdraw108
  • 1 Post By Origin
  • 2 Post By 1fish2fish
  • 2 Post By todreaminblue
  • 2 Post By Popsicle
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 27th January 2018, 3:02 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 188
break up with toxic person

Did you ever break up with a toxic person and still feel hurt?


Why is that? If you know the person will never change and they constantly hurt your feelings, why is it still hard to break up with them?


It is not because I don't want to be alone. I admit, I sort of enjoy that. I enjoy the peace and quiet and no conflict.


Please be gentle. I cannot be the only person that feels this way.
primer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th January 2018, 3:13 PM   #2
Established Member
 
divegrl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 453
Iím so sorry for what you are going thru. Yes I have had to breakup from a toxic relationship.

A trauma bond is created in these situations. We actually become addicted to them treating us poorly. It is very painful to leave, even though we know we should.

Take some time for yourself to heal. We are with you. Take care.
__________________
Our purpose in life is to help others; if we canít help them at least donít hurt them.
divegrl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th January 2018, 3:38 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 515
Bad relationships are rarely all negative, just like good ones are rarely all positive.

So, just because you can be glad that the toxic elements of the relationship have come to an end, doesn't mean you don't still feel the loss of all the things you did like about the other person and the relationship.

My ex was selfish, self-entitled, verbally abusive at times, generally unwilling to work on herself or compromise, and spent months cheating on me and displaying awful hurtful behavior before finally disappearing one day without warning, never to be seen again. She was also at other times loving, we had the same beliefs and values, were best friends, and enjoyed many activities together with the same level of passion.

The way she treated me is about as bad as it gets. Yet I miss her every day and wish we could have overcome the problems.
Popsicle likes this.
sdraw108 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th January 2018, 3:48 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 96
Time...you really need time. Itís clear you loved this person because youíre still struggling but you need time.

The reason you canít let go is because this person ďcompletedĒ you in some way. Especially the beginning and thatís hard to let go off.

Nobody started being mean to you/us at the beginning of the relationship but towards the end.

Because of that we still remember the sweet person who loved us, not the new person they turned into. This causes cognitive dissonance, where you hold two ideas in your mind but the two things are contradictory to each other.

Example: in your mind he/she is still that sweet person who loves you but reality is showing you that they are not, that they are bad for you or as you said toxic.

This can be quite tricky to get over but I found out that the time and NC is the best way.

Good luck
Popsicle likes this.
Origin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th January 2018, 4:25 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: England
Posts: 56
Toxic... Not sure. Certainly the effects of her actions are.

I'd more say, "Deeply flawed"

I knew about her history. She had some things happen to her that were not her fault. She just puts a fake face on everyday and pretends to be "Normal" When deep down inside she has issues she need to solve. She hurts everyday.

Then comes the drinking. I was warned by her own mother about it. And not just once(She physically came to my house to sit down and warn me about it. Just thought she was interfering). She used to hide it well. But in the end it just got worse and worse and worse. She uses it to cope with things. Rather than do the right thing and get help, she'd rather pretend nothing wrong with her. And its others fault.

I've had a problem in the past with a panic disorder. I got treatment for it. And Im much better now. I remember back when i had it(It was an awful time), all i would do was lie. Lie to myself and pretend i was just like "everyone else" I would avoid things and lie as to the reasons why?(Trying to save face and not admit to myself i had a problem) Sometimes I'd just straight up blame others. Its was easier.

The point being humans are complex. Sometimes we do things just because we don't know what else to do. It was only when i was honest to myself and the people around me that i got better.

Was i toxic... No

Was i a liar... Yes

It was the only way i could cope.
hurtsbadjusthurts is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th January 2018, 7:46 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 487
It's hard ending a toxic relationship because when things were "good", they were AMAZING!! BUT...only as compared to the rest of the relationship because the rest of it sucked.

Being in a toxic relationship has a way of magnifying the few "good" times, because the bad were SO bad. Hence, why it was toxic.

So the addiction begins. You suffer through the bad for the next tiny shred of good, and it becomes a cyclic merry go round of self esteem destruction that you just cannot get off because, if you do, you may miss the next "good".

Eff that.

Raise that bar.
oasis and Popsicle like this.
1fish2fish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th January 2018, 9:11 PM   #7
Established Member
 
todreaminblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: down under
Posts: 14,491
Journal Entries: 2
yes .....and it hurt because even though you know they aren't right for you and have been mean or toxic to you...you dont want to hurt them...some toxic people have come from toxic environments themselves....which has added to their toxicity and normally they will end with someone softer who take their toxicity and forgives them ......often...till they cant forgive anymore...because it is poisoning them.....then there's this rare breed who in spite of knowing exactly how toxic a person is keeps forgiving.....hoping...praying that person will change with the nurture care and acceptance they are given


so they are commonly known as carers......i am a carer...and so are you....and sometimes self care is where we lack..its not wrong to walk away when you start to feel poisoned...better yet before you get poisoned.....or you can see if you build up a natural god given immunity.....which i have i guess...because i can keep forgiving.....BUT...i dont go out with them .....or continue dating them...or being with them.....i may be there for them when they are down on their luck and allow them to sleep on my couch.....do not stay with someone because you have a sympathetic heart,,,,.still be kind...but be firm........deb
oasis and primer like this.
__________________
in the ache of night,luminous prayers take fragile flight,
somewhere between battalions of warring sins,
there exists hope and love for peace begins...deb
todreaminblue is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th January 2018, 10:31 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Popsicle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 8,313
Quote:
Originally Posted by primer View Post
Did you ever break up with a toxic person and still feel hurt?


Why is that? If you know the person will never change and they constantly hurt your feelings, why is it still hard to break up with them?


It is not because I don't want to be alone. I admit, I sort of enjoy that. I enjoy the peace and quiet and no conflict.


Please be gentle. I cannot be the only person that feels this way.
I can relate. I felt this way after I broke up with my last bf.
It hurt/sucked big time.
My theory is that you are grieving "what could have been" rather than what really was. You're grieving the death of your dream.
Popsicle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2018, 5:25 AM   #9
Member
 
kaitlynlily6's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 23
Broke up with a toxic person after 4yrs so yes it hurts a lot. It's natural because you two have been together for some time and a bond has developed. Also sometimes you get used to how the other person is treating you. Undeniably you love him and it's natural and coping won't come easy. Enjoy your peace and keep yourself busy with a lot of things, soon you'll be happy you made the decision.
kaitlynlily6 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
TOXIC: break-up with delusional ex-gf TwinFlameGone Breaks and Breaking Up 52 2nd October 2017 2:28 PM
it was toxic, but after a two month break we are back on jerrygordon3 Breaks and Breaking Up 2 29th October 2015 3:02 PM
My brothers girlfriend is a horrible toxic person and I need AsheBoo Family 6 19th June 2015 11:47 PM
My mother is a toxic person how can I shut out the negative influence she has Georgia2014 Family 16 22nd December 2014 4:49 AM
I am being manipulated by a toxic person Tinie Abuse 4 23rd August 2013 1:35 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 9:32 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.