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Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 16th January 2018, 3:45 PM   #16
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My case is too boring and straight forward. Maybe I should see therapist.
What can I do for you? Anything (?)
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Old 16th January 2018, 5:33 PM   #17
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What can I do for you? Anything (?)
Thank you so much for replying to me. I don't know. I am so lonely, and I don't know what I can do to get over this.
I wasn't sure if I made mistake by ending the relationship, but it seems like it wasn't a mistake -- like you replied this relationship didn't get a chance, also my therapist said it was a rough one, my friends also said he didn't treat me well. Honestly, I didn't feel he treated me so bad until I heard how my friends said how their boyfriends treat them, then I burst out, and so emotionally broke up with him. But now, everyday I doubt myself.

I really don't know if it's because I really love him that much, or I can't handle the loneliness after breakup.
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Old 16th January 2018, 5:42 PM   #18
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Thank you so much for replying to me. I don't know. I am so lonely, and I don't know what I can do to get over this.
I wasn't sure if I made mistake by ending the relationship, but it seems like it wasn't a mistake -- like you replied this relationship didn't get a chance, also my therapist said it was a rough one, my friends also said he didn't treat me well. Honestly, I didn't feel he treated me so bad until I heard how my friends said how their boyfriends treat them, then I burst out, and so emotionally broke up with him. But now, everyday I doubt myself.

I really don't know if it's because I really love him that much, or I can't handle the loneliness after breakup.
We have very similar timing. I just got in from my second time out today. I cleaned my house spottless and like you, I don't get much responses on this site. I speak from experience that you don't love him as much as you are bruised and lonly. your friends have only contributed to your pain and have not helped you. They should have allowed you to heal.

I had a coffee date tonight but am going to cancel and spend sometime on my work life for now. I don't think I'd be able to force a social life on myself so I am going to allow these bruises and aches and cuts to heal. Your normal, he was not a good person in the end, if he thinks he is well then he doesn't care about those less fortunate. Very common.
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Old 16th January 2018, 5:56 PM   #19
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Hey OP,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I am not sure if you mentioned it but how long has it been since you two broke up?
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Old 16th January 2018, 5:59 PM   #20
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We have very similar timing. I just got in from my second time out today. I cleaned my house spottless and like you, I don't get much responses on this site. I speak from experience that you don't love him as much as you are bruised and lonly. your friends have only contributed to your pain and have not helped you. They should have allowed you to heal.

I had a coffee date tonight but am going to cancel and spend sometime on my work life for now. I don't think I'd be able to force a social life on myself so I am going to allow these bruises and aches and cuts to heal. Your normal, he was not a good person in the end, if he thinks he is well then he doesn't care about those less fortunate. Very common.
When I knew how other guys treat their gfs, I was crying out. Honestly, I wasn't a good gf to him, because I really don't know what to do, he doesn't need me to do anything for him, and he didn't want me to worry about him when he was sick (it's too late to think about how to be a gf for him)... I know every relationship is different, every couple has their own way to interact, but I was comparing him to others without thoroughly examining how I interacted with him. Yeah, more pain after I talked to my friends.

I can't talk to guys, I don't hate them, but I feel disgusted when they approach me for flirt or anything beyond a social talk.
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Old 16th January 2018, 6:00 PM   #21
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Hey OP,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I am not sure if you mentioned it but how long has it been since you two broke up?
4 months, it has been so long that I am sure a lot of people start to date again at this time point, but I am still missing him, so suck.
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Old 16th January 2018, 6:01 PM   #22
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He sounds like a player? I don't think you were in love with him, but just of your first impression of him. I know, hope is hard to give up, but he doesn't sound like he will ever be relationship material.
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Old 16th January 2018, 6:01 PM   #23
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Hey OP,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I am not sure if you mentioned it but how long has it been since you two broke up?
She said 4 months. You have some of the best advice on this site, I was hoping others can offer her their insight as I am learning I know so little.
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Old 16th January 2018, 6:10 PM   #24
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He sounds like a player? I don't think you were in love with him, but just of your first impression of him. I know, hope is hard to give up, but he doesn't sound like he will ever be relationship material.
Could you talk a little more, I want to know which part makes you feel he is a player.

Last edited by maybejune; 16th January 2018 at 6:10 PM.. Reason: more info
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Old 16th January 2018, 6:34 PM   #25
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4 months, it has been so long that I am sure a lot of people start to date again at this time point, but I am still missing him, so suck.

It's not a long time at all. I'm about 5 months into my current breakup myself. It's not my first rodeo either which is unfortunate but has taught me a lot about the healing process.

Time is really relative when it comes to healing. Depending on the nature of your relationship and other variables, you could be over it in a few months or it could take years. Never mind anyone else and don't succumb to their expectations and pressures. They mean well but are incorrect if they say things like "You should be over this by now." We heal when we heal because getting through grieving is a process. You need time to chew, digest and excrete and within all that, all kinds of emotions will come with it.

Immediately following my own breakups, sometimes I would just lie in bed, sleep. Wake up, eat a little, take a shower, watch watch a lot of movies. That was all I could manage at the time. As time went on, I began to add a little bit to the routine. I'd go to the store. I'd maybe go for a walk. Then I'd return to the gym and get my physical routine back to speed. I'd talk to my family a little more. I'd find the strength to meet up with friends again. Suddenly one day, I'd find myself talking to someone new and liking it. And that would all happen over the course of a year to a year and a half or so in my particular situation. It was never an overnight process.

Your heart is broken. It will take time to mend so extend yourself some leeway and let yourself feel it all. Anger, sadness etc. Don't date right now and if you want to be alone, be alone for awhile. I hope you haven't been reaching out to him and have removed him from your social media so that you won't stalk and see hurtful updates. It'll really help with the initial part of healing. The only thing that you need to be doing is putting your energy into taking care of youself. It's good that you have a therapist and have clearly reached out on LS to share your pain. You are taking steps and in pursuit of moving forward which means you will be okay.

Stay strong OP. I believe by the end of this year, you'll be good.
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Old 16th January 2018, 6:42 PM   #26
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Could you talk a little more, I want to know which part makes you feel he is a player.
A player to me is a guy who comes on strong in the beginning, very charming, very charismatic. He makes you think you hit the boyfriend lottery. But he isn't interested in a relationship. He's interested in the chase. Once he think you're hooked, he looses interest and seems to disappear or fade away.
He sounded like them from your brief first post, but I could be wrong as your post was short.
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Old 16th January 2018, 6:46 PM   #27
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A player to me is a guy who comes on strong in the beginning, very charming, very charismatic. He makes you think you hit the boyfriend lottery. But he isn't interested in a relationship. He's interested in the chase. Once he think you're hooked, he looses interest and seems to disappear or fade away.
He sounded like them from your brief first post, but I could be wrong as your post was short.
He was exactly like that. He seems like he didn't know how to have a long term relationship, well his last RL only lasted 3 months.
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Old 16th January 2018, 6:52 PM   #28
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He was exactly like that. He seems like he didn't know how to have a long term relationship, well his last RL only lasted 3 months.
Yes, unless he's in his early 20's, he's most likely commitment phobic. It has nothing to do with you. I know that's not much consolation. I think they are hard to get over, because he seemed so great in the beginning, but just know, it was a mirage.
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Old 16th January 2018, 6:57 PM   #29
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It's not a long time at all. I'm about 5 months into my current breakup myself. It's not my first rodeo either which is unfortunate but has taught me a lot about the healing process.

Time is really relative when it comes to healing. Depending on the nature of your relationship and other variables, you could be over it in a few months or it could take years. Never mind anyone else and don't succumb to their expectations and pressures. They mean well but are incorrect if they say things like "You should be over this by now." We heal when we heal because getting through grieving is a process. You need time to chew, digest and excrete and within all that, all kinds of emotions will come with it.

Immediately following my own breakups, sometimes I would just lie in bed, sleep. Wake up, eat a little, take a shower, watch watch a lot of movies. That was all I could manage at the time. As time went on, I began to add a little bit to the routine. I'd go to the store. I'd maybe go for a walk. Then I'd return to the gym and get my physical routine back to speed. I'd talk to my family a little more. I'd find the strength to meet up with friends again. Suddenly one day, I'd find myself talking to someone new and liking it. And that would all happen over the course of a year to a year and a half or so in my particular situation. It was never an overnight process.

Your heart is broken. It will take time to mend so extend yourself some leeway and let yourself feel it all. Anger, sadness etc. Don't date right now and if you want to be alone, be alone for awhile. I hope you haven't been reaching out to him and have removed him from your social media so that you won't stalk and see hurtful updates. It'll really help with the initial part of healing. The only thing that you need to be doing is putting your energy into taking care of youself. It's good that you have a therapist and have clearly reached out on LS to share your pain. You are taking steps and in pursuit of moving forward which means you will be okay.

Stay strong OP. I believe by the end of this year, you'll be good.
I have deleted him from social media, his ins is public. but I have managed to not check on that for over a month, he didn't update anything since BU. Well but I had spent time stalk him on those things, and I looked into his past which I should have done when i was dating him. -- You 're so right, even his past could hurt me, new post would devastate me much more.

Therapist, that's not what I wanted, he wasn't interested in my case, after he pointed out some of my issue -- basically I was very immature, the he kindly kicked me out because he is not specialized in dealing with healing. I felt so hopeless the day I left his office, then I start to return to early days right after BU, I slept terribly, ate very little, spent most of time in bed crying for no reason. I lost weight, that's really a warning to me, because I know I hit hard when I lose weight

I may try other therapists...
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Old 16th January 2018, 7:04 PM   #30
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Yes, unless he's in his early 20's, he's most likely commitment phobic. It has nothing to do with you. I know that's not much consolation. I think they are hard to get over, because he seemed so great in the beginning, but just know, it was a mirage.
Both me and he are much older than early 20's... neither of us usually date, his ex gfs were much younger than me at the time when he was dating them.

He was perfect in the beginning, showing me extremely confidence in working things out. Then he just never really put effort into it. One girl friend of mine said, it could be me that he became uninterested, I couldn't hold his interest, I couldn't keep him motivated, I failed to attract him after the first few months... I really don't know.
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