Origin Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 Hello, I have an extremely weird way of thinking right now. I know for a fact, 100% that I won’t be with “her” due to all the horrible things that happens but...why can’t I move on??? Yeah I understand the limerence effect, I get that, but I don’t wanna be with this person. The cognitive dissonance is causing me to think of her in good way and then immediately hate her for being the person who she is...(weird I know). For those who experienced cognitive dissonance in a relationship. What did you do to help yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 You need to explain this much more and how cognitive dissonance applies. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 I think he's saying that his head and heart want two different things. You have to slowly and consistently chip away at what the heart wants. It's a process. Some methods I used were: redirecting my thoughts, removing all physical reminders (pictures, gifts, ect.), and creating new memories to supplant older ones. Particularly, replacing specific memories that were tied to my ex with new ones helped a lot in moving on. For instance, I went on a solo hiking trip early on because all of my previous hiking trips were tied to my ex. This is kind of the basic advice you will get from books or therapists, but it works. The key is to keep at it. It doesn't work overnight. I'd say to keep at it for a year or so then try to reintroduce some things related to your ex in small doses if you want to. I have a beautiful collection of pottery that was tied to my ex, and I put it away for a year. It was such a painful reminder. I put it back out on display after a year, and I'm looking at it right now in fact. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 Origin, I am not too sure what you are trying to say but often the "head" is way in front of the "heart". The "head" tells you you're done, it's over, you can't/won't be involved with this person any more because of .................. (insert reason) but the "heart" still wants to pick up the phone, ring them, beg them to come back, and do anything to have them with you again. You feel like you are being split in two. BC1980 pretty much gives the solution, suggesting you remove reminders, momentos etc. Time is also your friend and remember that you can't rush your healing process. You can do this. x Link to post Share on other sites
Author Origin Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 (edited) I think he's saying that his head and heart want two different things. You have to slowly and consistently chip away at what the heart wants. It's a process. Some methods I used were: redirecting my thoughts, removing all physical reminders (pictures, gifts, ect.), and creating new memories to supplant older ones. Particularly, replacing specific memories that were tied to my ex with new ones helped a lot in moving on. For instance, I went on a solo hiking trip early on because all of my previous hiking trips were tied to my ex. This is kind of the basic advice you will get from books or therapists, but it works. The key is to keep at it. It doesn't work overnight. I'd say to keep at it for a year or so then try to reintroduce some things related to your ex in small doses if you want to. I have a beautiful collection of pottery that was tied to my ex, and I put it away for a year. It was such a painful reminder. I put it back out on display after a year, and I'm looking at it right now in fact. Yup, you nailed exactly what i was trying to say. Yes in my heart i do wish things ended differently. I wish we ended up together and that she started being the woman I thought she was. Instead i have a reality that says otherwise. Now i know you'll say "OK, so WTH do you want" but that's exactly my problem. Best way to put it is like this. I'm suffering from not being with her, wishing she didn't do what she did, but at the same time I know I will never be with her, i just cant, she ruined something i thought was special. Still my heart wants to be with her, knowing fully well my mind and pride wont let me anymore. BC1980, i appreciate your reply. I already got rid of everything that reminds me of her(and trying new things) and have been on some form of "NC", if you can even call it that. We don't talk, she still emails from time to time but i no longer reply. We work together so i do see her and i DO think that is one of the main reason I'm taking longer to heal. Seeing her on some days is a torture(trying to avoid as much as possible). Example: Today at the company we all had a meeting, 50 people in a room, and i end up sitting right across from her(dude...really?? talk about bad luck). While sitting i look to the side to see her purse(which i bought for Christmas), while she is wearing Tiffany's earrings and a bracelet(also bought by me). Which all reminded me even more what an idiot i was to give her my time, heart, love or any gifts. Still.....i wish things ended differently. I know the reason I'm stuck is cognitive dissonance. I'm confused why cant my mind just snap my heart and stop thinking about "how could she have done that". It doesn't matter anymore why, how or what, we wont be together but I'm still so much impacted by her(emotionally). p.s. No i cannot leave my job, if i could i would. The amount of money i make is quite good. Due to financial things in my life(helping out my parents) i cannot leave and take a pay cut. Edited January 10, 2018 by Origin Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 I think he's saying that his head and heart want two different things. You have to slowly and consistently chip away at what the heart wants. It's a process. Some methods I used were: redirecting my thoughts, removing all physical reminders (pictures, gifts, ect.), and creating new memories to supplant older ones. Particularly, replacing specific memories that were tied to my ex with new ones helped a lot in moving on. For instance, I went on a solo hiking trip early on because all of my previous hiking trips were tied to my ex. This is kind of the basic advice you will get from books or therapists, but it works. The key is to keep at it. It doesn't work overnight. I'd say to keep at it for a year or so then try to reintroduce some things related to your ex in small doses if you want to. I have a beautiful collection of pottery that was tied to my ex, and I put it away for a year. It was such a painful reminder. I put it back out on display after a year, and I'm looking at it right now in fact. I would agree with this. Just like you got into a routine with her you have to create a routine without her. I use the analogy that you are piloting a ship though thick fog. This is not the time to make big or radical decisions. Rather, point yourself in a direction and stay the course. Eventually you will come out of the fog. It won’t be an epiphany like one day you wake up and say “I’m over her!” It will just just be a VERY slow progression where you think about her less and less and the episodes don’t hurt as much. Unfortunately, it’s gonna take longer than you think it should. Having to see her everyday is the worst. I went out with a girl for one year and it took me two years to get over her because I worked at the same company. I met my ex at work but left the company before she dumped me - thank god as that RL was what I thought would be my last. I have had next to zero contact with her for almost 1.5 years and it’s still hurts but it’s less and less. We’ll both get there - hang in there brother. Link to post Share on other sites
igotoverit Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 This advice is helping me too. That's kind of rude of her to wear things you bought her to work. Doesn't seem helpful any. Keep ignoring her as much as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
TunaInTheBrine Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 (edited) Hello, I have an extremely weird way of thinking right now. I know for a fact, 100% that I won’t be with “her” due to all the horrible things that happens but...why can’t I move on??? Yeah I understand the limerence effect, I get that, but I don’t wanna be with this person. The cognitive dissonance is causing me to think of her in good way and then immediately hate her for being the person who she is...(weird I know). For those who experienced cognitive dissonance in a relationship. What did you do to help yourself? It's more than limerance. I tend to think about these things in terms of emotional impressions. There is a wide range continuum of human emotions and the degree to which we can feel them. The more extreme ends of both continuums (good AND bad) that we feel with someone, the more meaningful that person naturally is to us. I believe this is why we can find a 'healthier' partner later, but because we feel less extreme emotions, they are not as meaningful to us. Isn't that partially why women are stereotypically more attracted to bad boys? I don't know how possible this is, but one solution to me seems to be to pair up with a partner who is healthier, and find ways to experience the same extreme degree of emotions with them. Harder to do, I know, because unhealthy people really seem to trigger our 'stuff' and childhood issues, whereas healthy people not so much. Maybe find non-destructive ways to create drama with the new healthy partner? Ideally, unhealthy relationships will transform into healthy relationships, thus healing the childhood wounds and sustaining the bond to the one who excites. But it is so rare that this happens. A strong commitment to dedication and growth is necessary, and typically neither or only one of those partners are willing. Edited January 10, 2018 by TunaInTheBrine Link to post Share on other sites
Cora Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 (edited) Sorry wrong post Edited January 11, 2018 by Cora Link to post Share on other sites
Flove Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 It's more than limerance. I tend to think about these things in terms of emotional impressions. There is a wide range continuum of human emotions and the degree to which we can feel them. The more extreme ends of both continuums (good AND bad) that we feel with someone, the more meaningful that person naturally is to us. I believe this is why we can find a 'healthier' partner later, but because we feel less extreme emotions, they are not as meaningful to us. Isn't that partially why women are stereotypically more attracted to bad boys? I don't know how possible this is, but one solution to me seems to be to pair up with a partner who is healthier, and find ways to experience the same extreme degree of emotions with them. Harder to do, I know, because unhealthy people really seem to trigger our 'stuff' and childhood issues, whereas healthy people not so much. Maybe find non-destructive ways to create drama with the new healthy partner? You just explained to me why I sometimes miss my a-hole bad boy ex, with whom I had such extreme feelings and passion and why I sometimes doubt my current healthy relationship. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
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