My ex played me... Struggling to move on.

[C5785]

Hello everyone. I am a mess. My ex and I began dating in April 2010. We dated up until sometime in January 2012 when he broke things off due to arguing/distance. I mett him while visiting family, so we saw each other every few months or whenever possible. We both didn't drive and both still don't drive, so if anyone came up he hitched a ride or we took a bus.

 

we got back together that summer when I graduated in june. I took a bus to go see him. This lasted for a few months as there was fighting again. I think I mostly was just stressed over the distance and not knowing where anything was going and my life.

 

So he ignored me again for like 6 months. Which brings us to about 2013. I wrote him many letters. He began talking to me after some time.. we got close again and fooled around online. Big mistake. He didn't want to get back together, and I was so angry. I felt used. So he blocked me, whatever.. ignored me, well for a while until we began speaking again in 2014.

 

So in 2014, I was seeing someone I wasn't really into. He was seeing someone kinda too. There was someone he talked to online and offline.. same with me. I broke up with the guy.. I was still in love with my ex but he kept me at a distance. Like i'd ask if he wanted to skype, and he was always on with someone else. So I went on as usual, I started talking with someone on facebook another guy, finally one night he wanted to skype me. We got 10 minutes into the call.. and I just decided I was done. i said i had to go. I blocked him and deleted him from everything. End of it. He never tried to contact me either.

 

Maybe that was a jerk move, but I didn't think so after he blew me off and kinda put his relationship stuff in my face. So I dated this guy from facebook in person, up until 2015 right before 2016 around january. The guy turned out to be a total loser. I don't know why, but somewhere in between there I began talking with my ex again. He was with someone, but we would chit chat here and there every few months or whatever. I wasn't feeling good, I was having some testing done.

 

Well.. that june/july of 2016, I ended up in the hospital for about 3 weeks. I had a very severe almost fatal pancreatitis attack. Mind you my ex had not got back to me for months. Addionatally i suffered a pseudocyst, pneumonia, and a pulmonary embolism. My ex suddenly was talking to me again once he found out via my mom's facebook.

 

I was so doped up i replied like once or twice to him. Once home I said i was better yadda yadda. He didn't get back to me for another few months. It was april. I just got back from visiting my family where him and I had mett. I said something along the lines of " there's something always pulling me back". I don't know why, he responded to it. (April 2017 Ironically the month him and I started first dating) Then... he was messaging me every day. Yes he was still dating the same girl 3 years into it. He was messaging me every day. Good morning good night... etc. I was trying to stay cool, but then it all came out.

 

When I was in the hospital, I knew I still felt something for him, and I thought I'd never get a chance to say it. So I did spill all. I said to him, I just kept thinking I'd never get a chance to tell you how I still felt about you. That thought, helped me get through my sickness. He said he had no words for how that made him feel. All the sudden... it was like we were in love all over again. 7 years later. Of course we started fooling around again too. (online) one day i was just like... wait, so you still have a girlfriend.

 

He was like yes and no, I know how bad that sounds yadda yadda. That she didn't respect him, I did. etc. Everytime we fooled around hes like is this a bad idea, maybe we should just stop. He didn't want what happened last time to happen. The fight and everything. He said he didn't want to get his hopes up either, just wanted to take it slow etc. Well... I fell right into it all over again. I pushed and pushed without stop, not meaning to. He said he was confused. I tried to leave and couldn't and he was all pissed i tried to leave. He said to promise him i wouldn't lose touch. Then he did a 180.

 

Said he needed space to sort himself and his feelings out. I didn't want him to go but i tried to respect it, i failed. He ignored me when he said he'd get in touch shortly with me. He said he never got my messages ( whatever). They went to the other inbox on facebook because we still weren't friends on there. He wouldnt accept my new request either, probably because of the gf but wouldn't tell me why.

 

Somewhere, inbetween there I got so mad at him for ignoring me. For saying it was best we take space... since we both were wanting different things. He wanted to fix his life (ive heard that many times) things are going good with his job, he needed to be more finanically secure etc. so he said it could be sooner rather than later.. but it was inevitable he got in touch with me again, he said that we wouldn't lose touch. He said he wanted it too to be with me, but realized while he didn't want to be without me, that being with me wasn't going to work... atleast not right now. His exact words.

 

So.. I told his girlfriend everything.. I was so upset with him. He wasn't mad he said he was relieved and had been carrying around a lot of guilt because of it. He said it wasn't the first time he screwed with my emotions, that I never got closure. He said I did the right thing. That he deserves no remorse, he was a douche and didn't care about her or my feelings. He wanted the best of both things, that he got so wrapped up in me. He was selfish. That me and her both deserved better. I said I hope that if she is what he wants, that she forgives him. He was all I don't know if she will or if she should. I was like you're going to hate me. He said he didn't and won't... I said i still wanted to keep in touch, and he's like in light of recent events I think it's best we we keep to ourselves, he has to fix himself, hes still immature. He needs time etc.

 

He said him and his gf were going to have a talk big time. I was ignored... again. I blew up again, sending his gf just recaps of how he said hed talk to me again. And he was like im trying to be cool but really, your stirring the pot. I told you we'd talk again and that wasn't good enough. I was so angry, I said things.. like you never even cared about me. You only care about her. Yourself. He wanted to "leave things on good terms' Leave amicably. He was confused and just wanted to move on, he wanted me to move on too. He said not to wait, not to hope. To stop holding on and making myself miserable. That he had told me from the beginning the distance was a deal breaker. That he didn't want to go through the same struggle again. I was so mad i said i hated him. He was like im trying to fix this. If we don't both of us will never be ok. I said I didn't want to that he doesn't feel anything for me, it was a lie. He said it wasn't a lie, he did feel it, he was hurting too.. but he just wanted to move on. That was his decision and the one he was sticking with. So things ended on bad terms.

 

I asked him to block me, i was so upset, trying to apologize for saying i hated him, asking him to forgive me, come back etc. He blocked me... and well I tried to contact him under a different account.. but he put my messages on ignore. 3 months now... I am torn. I know what I really should have done is.. when he came back to tell him to bugg off. Like he's done to me so many times, like he's ignored me so many times. He has really done this time with hurting me. He said he was going to come back but not anymore when we last talked. I had told him to never return. I have been apologizing for months, all my messages ignored.

 

I just don't understand. Why does he keep doing this to me?? How can someone that claims to care and all that, do that to someone they supposedly care about. Watch them suffer and never respond, never say a word. And yet everytime I have forgiven him. Every damn time. I am just so fed up, and so hurt and so depressed right now. I have tried everything.

 

Where do I go from here, and what on earth is he doing? How the hell can I move on, when I keep thinking he's always going to return. The only thing different this time around, was that he was with someone else, he emotionally cheated on with me... and he deleted all of my family off of his facebook. He has never done that. I said it was easier for him to move on because he had her. That he would forget everything. He said he had to live with it too, that he wouldn't forget it. That if what I say is true ( that if/when she leaves him, he'll come back and i won't be there) ... then he will come back i wont be there and it would be his loss. WTF. All I know is.. my pancreatitis is the most painful thing ive ever endured and dealt with in my life, yet somehow.. this emotional pain.. this baggage ive been harboring for years ( even when i thought i was over him) seems to be the most pain ive ever felt, and worse than any other time...

Edited January 8, 2018 by C5785

[FilterCoffee]

Hey C5785,

 

It’s been 7 years. You need to let go of this guy. By not cutting him out, you’re not giving yourself an opportunity to move on. Yes, it’s going to be difficult but that’s what you need to do. You have to be sharp at catching yourself when you think about him. Don’t allow your emotions to overpower better judgement. And who knows, if you can get a grip of yourself you may even meet someone special this year.

 

Take Care

[igotoverit]

Similar situation, yours is better, mine has been five years... I am struggling and can't seem to find the right help. We are going to have to get over it sooner or later.

[C5785]

I'm sorry to hear that you have been struggling too with a similar situation. You said my situation is better, has it been 5 years since you've heard from your ex? I've realized just this year, I've never been able to fully move on because I knew he would come back every time. I actually had to ask him to block me, for atleast a few months because I knew I'd try and reach out whenever I got upset. He hasn't lifted the block 3 months later. For me it's like.. in a sense I am losing a best friend, and the person I've gone through everything with, and confided in for the past 8 years of my life. It made me feel so much more normal, when he talked to me again, and made me forget about everything I'd been through in the recent year. I'm struggling everyday. I seem to go no contact for 2 weeks and then i fail.. and its like ripping that wound right open all over again.

[igotoverit]

My situation, he and others were very mean to me, the last time we woke was recently and he told me I needed to know what kind of person I was and why I was alone, he also made a linked in account with my name in my small city, I was lazy at lazy boy. A few months ago, his friend Danny made fun of this furniture business I was starting by assuming I was motivated off garbage on the street and I worked at lazy boy during university. He constantly comments that i did not complete university and my self esteem and self worth is shot. I feel terrible.

[Trip2TheSky]

This sounds familiar in a way and sounds like the guy who has you by the balls for life, but is that a bad thing?

 

No. Fight for him and show him how much you care. Don't be stupid like me who hurt the man I could never let go of ...

 

Go with your heart.

[C5785]

Going as far as the fake account to make fun of you was totally unnecessary and uncalled for. Don't ever let anyone determine your self worth. My ex and I .. we both still can't drive, he lives in a big city and I don't. I recently lost my job in the past few months also and now have no way to work until another car is bought. I never went to college, but I worked at this place for 3 years. I am still figuring my life out.. so I can understand feeling as low and insignificant as possible. I hate relying on others, and I know my ex feels the same as we both have that in common. Now that he has a job and has had one for 4 years, he's got all this freedom and new doors opened, and has no idea what to do with it all. Maybe he does care about you, but he is being very immature.. downgrading others is a lack of maturity, it shows a lot about his character and not yours.

[C5785]

Trip to the sky.... I don't know sometimes it feels like a good thing and sometimes it feels like a bad thing. I've tried everything to change his mind.. he wanted to move on and leave things "amicably"... I was so angry I did the opposite. We talked about meeting up.. he said how he wanted to come here, we even talked about doing our birthdays together as we'd always done. He said if i were there we'd go out for dinner,etc. All my messages have been intentionally set to ignore. I was dumb and sent him a card with apology, and I had no way to cancel the order. It basically stated that I was sorry for everything, the things I did and said, my emotions took over and that i hope he isn't too angry at me to want to go back to things as they were before the misunderstanding. I said I hope in time you can forgive me, theres no much else i can say other than sorry. He said he was confused and just wanted to move on and wanted me to do the same. I get it, his girlfriend lives there I don't... but for some reason, I think he feels more emotionally tied to me still. He said it took him over two weeks, but that he was over it. That he did feel that way but.. he got over it ( within 2 weeks). He is stubborn. He just can't see past the distance. Deleting all my family off his fb, came as a shock as well. He's never in the 8 years i've known him, done that. So I have no idea... but I have literally tried everything, he just doesn't want me to bother him at all. For all I know, his girlfriend could be the one enforcing it all, but he's a grown man.. and I know if this is what he really wants, then he will do it.. but at the same time, I can't be waiting, not really.

[igotoverit]

I was doing so good and really thought I was past the hurdle. I was visiting it and thinking about it but coming to terms with it and I was no contact for a few weeks and then I found the ads and hit ground 0. All the past encounters came back and I feel like it is day one all over again. I feel humiliated and drained. I have to be at work in a few hours so I am trying to get myself together. I switched all my courses to online so I could work more during the day and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I need to really focus again and talking about it isn't helping as much as I thought it was. Last night I barely slept and have been beaten down by the memories. Why this happened, was my fault too. Maybe it's time to deal with this more honestly so I can move on. I valued his potential friendship and the potential of a friend who treated me well but he didn't care about me at all. If he did I wouldn't be suffering so much today. Thanks for listening and getting back to me, we should stay strong and keep pushing forward in life and you too - don't give up and keep looking for a job.

[C5785]

Thank you, I completely understand how you are feeling. I have haunting dreams every night... but I know in the next few months, it will be good again, I will be strong again. They say the pain lasts just as long as it lasted... I think that's true. The best thing you can do is just put your all into everything you've ever wanted to do, it is when you are at your best they want to come back, and guess what? That is when you can blow them off, you will regain your strength. I deal with so much guilt it is unbelievable... guilt I had forgotten, but you know what? It always takes two, not one. I think the best we can do.. is just think of it as they are dead to you now... if they can cut you out so easily, then the same can be done to them, that is the only way to end the toxic cycle. Keep on keeping on and best of luck to you too.

[igotoverit]

You pinned it. Guilt! We blame ourselves too much. I have been told a lot of nasty things and what I seen myself as doing was defending myself. In my particular case, this reflects those who said yes to this game. At the gym, he had someone show up . Til this day I don't know why because all they did was make fun of my clothes and weight. If someone asked me to do that to someone else, I would say no. It might be a social thing that I don't understand if so many people joined in. I have a headache and it hurts from the screen all night. I have been using a tablet and lying in bed. I finally ran a bath and plan on picking myself up in the next hour to get to work. The good thing is my new schedule enables pick me up time, if i had to be at work any sooner, I'd be taking the day off or quitting. I've done that before.

[C5785]

Guilt is such a powerful.. powerful emotion. I believe guilt is what's kept me holding on so long. Like everytime he comes back, it's a chance to prove myself. Only this time was so different. He said he thought he was falling for me too, said he wasn't sure how much of those feelings were old, how much of those feelings were new. He said he wasn't willing to go through the same struggle as last time when I said every relationship has their struggles. He was like.. remember how that ended? I said yeah... you left and I didn't hear from you for forever. All I got was " I can't do this tonight". That right there, I felt was a direct jab to my mistakes in the past. I said it was biased to begin with because you can't rebuild a relationship with the same old bricks. He was never willing to give me a chance.. but we both fell into this wonderfully amazing bond and connection all over again. At the end of the day though, we are all just people, we live.. and we learn. We are going to continue to make mistakes a long the way, its what we take from it that matters. We have one life, it's short, and if we carry this guilt, then we are not truly living. I pushed too hard, and he ran.. but only because I didn't want to let go. Even if I hadn't I'm not too convinced it would have turned out any differently. We called it a "civil friendship"... and I tried to push him away because I wanted more, and I wanted him to realize what he wanted for himself too. However, I suck at staying away. So eventually, i just pushed him to do it himself, since he just wanted to continue this pseudo-friendship. The truth is, you really can't revert any of that into a friendship, its impossible. I was willing to move, you name it, I was right there, for years. So he had his chance. How sad is it for someone to say to you " I realized I don't want to be without you, I want it too, but I realized it cannot be...at least not right now". The other part of my mind just says, its nothing but a cop out.. I told him he didn't feel a thing, and he said he did, but that it was now over and in the past. Thinking about it just hurts my head, so.. I just have to accept for whatever reason, it just didn't work. For whatever reason, his feelings weren't strong enough for him to stay. He said regardless if he did love me or not, it just couldn't be. Such a pity. Yeah making fun of someone, is rediculous. Life's tough enough, why do people feel the need to make it harder? If you can't bring something good to that person's life, why feel the need to break them down? You shouldn't ever have to defend yourself when it comes to love. I have a headache as well haha, I just took an ibuprofen. I hope your work day goes well, I am here if you ever need to talk about this, you are not alone.

[igotoverit]

My headache became so severe that i lied my way out of work. I have been throwing up allmorning to the point I had nothing left and my gut hurt. I managed to make it over to the pharmacy for Advil gel tablets and took 2 and then another 2 because I may have puked the first two out. Now I am in bed and starting to feel a bit better. This isn't the first time this has happened. It's very difficult to fathom how many people bullied me but you have to experience it to understand what that kind of rejection does to you. I do not care much for most of the players but I thought j was one of my best friends and it turned out, he wasn't and will never be.

[C5785]

Sorry to hear that, sounds like you are having quite the migraine. The fact that he participates in this bullying, says a lot about him. A friend would not do so. It sounds like he has a lot of maturing to do no offense, I can't stand bullies. I was bullied all through school, but to be bullied by a person you were with, yeah.. that's no good. You have to shake these people off like the dirt they are being. I know it's hard, so easy to believe the things they are saying about you, but it says a lot about them, not you. Even if you have made mistakes, it's besides the point because they are the ones doing this, to another human being. This guy I was with, has been like my confident and best friend for so much of my life... but he has chosen to leave again. He came back only when I was real sick, but we'd talk every few months until it became too much for him, then repeat. We live 4 hours away from each other. He just can't get past the distance, but I feel my past insecurities have a lot to do with him keeping his distance too. I made mistakes in the past, and I feel I am always paying for them, especially when this happens. I have to learn to forgive myself. Things were great, I just couldn't take it anymore.. the uncertainty, being stuck in relationship limbo.

[igotoverit]

Sorry to hear that, sounds like you are having quite the migraine. The fact that he participates in this bullying, says a lot about him. A friend would not do so. It sounds like he has a lot of maturing to do no offense, I can't stand bullies. I was bullied all through school, but to be bullied by a person you were with, yeah.. that's no good. You have to shake these people off like the dirt they are being. I know it's hard, so easy to believe the things they are saying about you, but it says a lot about them, not you. Even if you have made mistakes, it's besides the point because they are the ones doing this, to another human being. This guy I was with, has been like my confident and best friend for so much of my life... but he has chosen to leave again. He came back only when I was real sick, but we'd talk every few months until it became too much for him, then repeat. We live 4 hours away from each other. He just can't get past the distance, but I feel my past insecurities have a lot to do with him keeping his distance too. I made mistakes in the past, and I feel I am always paying for them, especially when this happens. I have to learn to forgive myself. Things were great, I just couldn't take it anymore.. the uncertainty, being stuck in relationship limbo.

 

I guess its good this guy doesn't like me and it's known, I am glad I am not stuck in limbo and I'm sure there are benefits to your situation. He probably does care about you but has his own issues not to be direct enough and leave you in limbo. The guy I speak of has two lives and I was his secretpunching bag while everyone sees him as special and in the right. A lot of people played along and watched me bag for mercy. Anyone would probably be humiliated if the tables were turned but I fought back as well and kept it going a lot longer then it could have. I have come to terms with it and will be moving on.

[C5785]

I don't know if he honestly does, I tell myself, if someone cared then how can they just cut you out of their lives and move on without another word, it's like you never know when it's gonna be for real or if it's not. Everything he said just left me so confused. I'm gradually finding peace again with each passing day, but his words speak in my head " It's inevitable we talk again in the future" of course that was before I ratted him out to his girlfriend. he wasn't even angry. What makes me anxious is I was real stupid a few days ago... and sent a card to him apologizing. I couldn't even cancel the order, and now he's gonna get it in a day or so... and I don't know if he'll just do nothing or if he's gonna get angry, I have been trying to contact but he's made it impossible. Two lives and used you as a punching bag... I can definitely see the need to move on. My last relationship my other ex, more or less used me for sex and criticized me a lot.. his family picked at a lot of things as well. It was the quickest I ever moved on from someone, but I stayed just out of wanting to not be alone. Wasn't a good reason. I totally hear you, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. We live and we learn right. You will do so much better.

Edited January 10, 2018 by C5785

[igotoverit]

Don't worry, I sent an email and was told to find a new bestie and learn a different language. You sound like you need to move on from him just the same as I do. I don't blame you for your feelings but if he has a girlfriend, he is sleeping with her and not you and he doesn't seemed bothered by you sleeping alone. He doesn't care and I am sorry to be blunt. Time for you to move on too. Don't worry, I am in the same boat and I am obviously scared to be alone.

[C5785]

No offense, what a jerk. Yeah it shouldn't be that hard now. I think I've more than proven how much I care while his actions have been deafening. It's okay, I've come to the realization for myself. I know from my last ex just how small and insignifcant someone can make you feel, knowing and coming to the realization that they just don't care though, it somehow makes it easier to forget them, it somehow wakes you up. He said I have one of the most wonderful families he had the pleasure of knowing, and that I won't be alone because I have them, to which I said.. Yes I do, however that doesn't take away the other lonely feeling. Sometimes, it's better to be alone in love life though I think, especially when it has caused you so much stress more than 4 times. The toxic cycle ends when you decide you've had enough, and I think.. I have had more than enough. All I know is with all the stress, my pancreas has actually been flaring up on and off, so i've just come to terms that, he's not really bringing that much good to my life, better to heal and let him live with the regret of what he let go so easily. We don't need people like that in our lives, they will only bring us right back down.

[C5785]

Also, if you've seen the movie the holiday which I love... here's one of the finest quotes I think I've ever heard. "It doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

[igotoverit]

I feel really good today and am heading out to do an errand. I have jobs lined up and have been communicating with my boss so that's good. I made some changes that work for me so I still feel good about where I am heading. I do not want him back as much as I want to remove the dark cloud over me and up until today I thought he could assist with but he didn't. I think after I grab a coffee and get so,e fresh air, I can refocus and be more productive today then I have been. I am not ashamed for how I feel after being on this forum but the experience was very painful. The best advice I seen was to make new memories and slowly start to build them on your own. I am nowhere near gym ready but I am feeling much better. I am just heading out the door which is great... I'll be okay and you will too. I'll check back in later to see if you post anything and how you are doing.

[C5785]

I'm glad you are feeling better, I actually am as well today. Coming to my realization was a great great thing. That's right, it just isn't worth it. I totally hear you there and that is some very good advice. Life is short, and it's all about what you do with it from here on. We will be okay for sure.