Cant move on

[Jeena]

Hi

I am new here and this is my first post on any social forum. I chose this forum because i wanted to share what I am feeling right now with anyone who can understand and guide me even though I have talked to my doctor which was useless she told me things which i already knew. I was in relationship and I don't know about him but he was the first man in my life , I fell hard for him. But he left me, Since then i was trying to cope up and It's been 3 months but i can't don't know what's wrong with me. I have done everything to feel normal and happy as I was before him carefree and full of life. I have started to do work on my career, doing two jobs and whenever I get time even few minutes while I read or doing work I start missing him. I want to get over him completely. i literally feel ache in my heart all the day. I can't sleep without think about him and he's the first thought in morning. I spent my whole life 28 years without a man never felt affection for anyone but him. I don't want to do anything with him , don't want to listen his name but deep down I am still hoping one day he'll come back, he'll call me and tell me he was wrong, What i want to do right now is kill this last hope or expectation but don't know what's wrong with me mind or heart 24/7 I miss him. we haven't talked in months and it feels forever. HELP ME

Doesn't he miss me at all ? I invested so much in him. we shared such a strong bond and he was the one who first showed his feelings and made me feel for him.

 

I have deleted his pictures, chat history, blocked him still can't erase him from my mind.

Edited January 7, 2018 by Jeena

[Jeena]

So nobody seems interested in my story

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry that you are hurting. Can I ask, how long were you dating?

 

Getting over your first love when it doesn't work out is really hard. These things take time, and it's only been three months. For what it's worth, I think you have done the right things. You've deleted reminders of him. You've been focusing on work and other things like reading. I would suggest self care - try to get some exercise, sleep well, spend time with friends and family, spend time doing things that you enjoy... Be kind to yourself. Perhaps, the kindest thing you can do is stop the tape that is playing in your head that asks if he's missing you, why it didn't work out, and other questions that have no good answer, but make you miserable. The truth is, it was probably nothing you did and he probably does miss you... He just decided that the relationship wasn't what he wanted. It happens to everyone.

 

This too shall pass, if you give it more time. And, someone else will come along who will light up your life in the same way except it will be better, because he will stay. So, don't lose hope.

 

As for your post, there are more people visiting the board during the week so more people may chime in. And, your post is somewhat hard to read because the punctuation is inconsistent. Punctuation is good;)

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

 

I'm sorry for what you are feeling. You are definitely not alone.

 

Quick question before I give some advice if you don't mind answering. How long were you together and how did it end?

[d0nnivain]

Jenna

 

I am so sorry you are hurting. Everybody feels lousy after a break up. The first break up feels worse because you have never experienced anything like this pain. Only 3 months later what you are feeling is perfectly normal. I'm sure that doesn't make you feel better.

 

Time does heal all wounds. Yes, that is another cliché but it's true for a reason. Do what you are doing -- putting one foot in front of the other & concentrate on your job, Throwing out the photos helps. Doing another purge of memories of his life & your life together will help. If you have not already done so, rearrange your living space so your mind's eye can't picture him sitting there.

 

Give yourself permission to grieve. You lost something valuable to yourself.

 

Meanwhile self soothe. Surround yourself with supportive friends & family. Exercise. Take care of yourself.

 

In time you will feel better.

 

Keep posting here.

[Lowrider93]

Hi Jenna

This forum is filled with many people who have had their hearts broken

once, twice or multiple times so you will get lots of advice, some

you may be able to use, some maybe not.

 

When a love leaves us we usually may feel alot of rejection, we can't

understand how they could do that to anybody, you have to realize

they have become someone you don't know anymore.

 

I thought my wife of 12 yrs would be my forever partner, then one

day poof it was gone, I was no longer convenient anymore.

All those years seem like a waste, no counseling, nothing, I finally

had to ask myself did she ever love me, after many days, months,

even years the hard answer was no.

 

All my time spent with her was invalidated, I had nothing to justify

my love for her.

 

Sometimes love is not a two way street. It should be but isn't.

 

Hugs

[stillafool]

First loves are hard and definitely one of the hardest ones to heal from. All I can tell you is it will take time. Stay super busy to keep your mind occupied on something other than him. Take a class, get a second job (this always worked for me plus I spoiled myself with the extra money), and spend more time with your friends. Just remember you will love again.

[Origin]

Sounds like you were in limerence and you still are in limerence with this man. Google Dr. Joe Beam, he has few podcasts talking about the topic. Listen to his “understanding limerence”. Don’t know if it will help but it will help you understand why you’re having those thoughts.

[Jeena]

Hey OP,

 

I'm sorry for what you are feeling. You are definitely not alone.

 

Quick question before I give some advice if you don't mind answering. How long were you together and how did it end?

 

We have been friends since more than 3 years but we dated for 5 months.

All was too good we used to talk all day and night. We were good friends so we used to share everything and said what comes in mind without any hesitation, we knew each others flaws and strength. I was always there for him when he was on his worst shape but he never made any promise, he told me he had to leave me at some point because there was no future. His parents would never allow him to marry me or had future with me. He was too confused. I asked him to make commitment with me or give me something to hold on but after this he's distant himself all of sudden. And said he wasn't serious with me and can't continue this thing with me, he said we haven't any relationship we are just two good friends and he wanted to continue his friendship. I tried to be his friend again but believe me it was too difficult for me so I vanished. He was so normal and said to me HE DOESN'T FEEL ANYTHING FOR ME ANYMORE and so easy for him that okay fine we are friends again and he doesn't care about me and he was so cold. He didn't understand his coldness was killing me. It was too easy for him to forget everything and became my friend but it was suffocated me so I changed my contact number blocked him etc etc.

 

P.S: He asked my friend about me and AM I okay ? Doing good?

[Jeena]

First loves are hard and definitely one of the hardest ones to heal from. All I can tell you is it will take time. Stay super busy to keep your mind occupied on something other than him. Take a class, get a second job (this always worked for me plus I spoiled myself with the extra money), and spend more time with your friends. Just remember you will love again.

 

I'm doing everything but feel like I have lost the important part of my soul. I can't be happy as I was before and memories are continuously hitting me whether I am busy or doing anything

[d0nnivain]

When you are friends first & it doesn't work out, that is a double whammy. You lose your SO & the person who used to help you through all emotional upheavals.

 

If his parents were against this & there are other cultural barriers in the long run, being apart is for the best.

 

You are right that at present you can't handle being just his friend because you want the romance. NC is your best bet.

 

Rely on your other friends & family members to get you through this.

[Jeena]

When you are friends first & it doesn't work out, that is a double whammy. You lose your SO & the person who used to help you through all emotional upheavals.

 

If his parents were against this & there are other cultural barriers in the long run, being apart is for the best.

 

You are right that at present you can't handle being just his friend because you want the romance. NC is your best bet.

 

Rely on your other friends & family members to get you through this.

 

Thank you so much yes I miss discussions we do his work related or mine. Family matters personal problems we used to buy things for each other for no reason. It's really too hard for me. Why isn't for him? That's all I thing whole day. Doesn't he miss me at all

[d0nnivain]

It's harder for you because as women we lead with our emotions. Men are better at suppressing theirs. Plus this was your 1st & you may have been more deeply invested. Finally, he had some time to think about the BU in advance. You didn't even see it coming.

 

Hang in there.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I'm doing everything but feel like I have lost the important part of my soul. I can't be happy as I was before and memories are continuously hitting me whether I am busy or doing anything

 

I'm SO sorry you are going through this. Believe me, you have not lost a part of your soul though it feels that way. When you lose someone you love so much, it feels that way, but you will rebound. Blocking him was the right thing to do. It only helps and keeping them tethered to you is not fair to them and counter-productive to you. Believe me, I know. Ugh.

[Beachead]

If you two met other people while being friends, you would have both dumped your partners to be with eachother or you would have distanced from eachother to respect your partners and if you two didn't date anyone at all, you would have gotten together. Had you two not pursued a relationship with eachother at all, one of you would have met someone else and you would have spent the rest of your life wondering what could have happened. It was that feeling that made you two want to see this through. So choosing to date eachother was the best move considering the nature of your friendship wasn't meant to last. I want you to take comfort in that.

 

Consider that if it was meant to be with him, he would have stayed and fought for the relationshp. But, despite giving you best and despite all the history you two shared, this was not enough for him and he chose to leave. Not just that, he will find someone else and you would have to see that happen and accept it so him expecting a friendship from you right now is unrealistic and unreasonable. Right now, you're heartbroken and you need time to heal and grieve and accept and then learn to live without him and be happy again, in order to ever speak to him in a genuine manner. Therefore you two can't be friends right now. If you try to rush yourself or lie to yourself about that, I promise talking to him will make life complicated and it will leave you two hating eachother.

 

It will take a lot of time OP. Maybe a year. Maybe more. 3 months of No Contact is a short time when it comes to grieving. Sometimes it takes half a year just to kill hope and as you've noticed, killing the hope IS the HARDEST part of it all. Be patient with yourself and continue to let yourself feel what you have to feel. You're on the right track.

 

Stay Strong

Edited January 8, 2018 by Beachead

[Jeena]

If you two met other people while being friends, you would have both dumped your partners to be with eachother or you would have distanced from eachother to be with your partners and if you two didn't date anyone at all, you would have gotten together. Had you two not pursued a relationship with eachother, both of you would have spent the rest of your life wondering what could have happened. It was that feeling that made you two want to see this through. This was the best move of the 3 because the nature of your friendship wasn't going to last.

 

Consider that if it was meant to be with him, he would have stayed and fought for the relationshp. You gave your best and he chose to leave. He will find someone else and you will have to accept that so him expecting a friendship from you right now is unrealistic. Right now, you're heartbroken and you need time to heal and grieve and accept and then learn to live without him and be happy again, in order to ever speak to him in a genuine manner. Therefore you two can't be friends right now. If you try to rush yourself or lie to yourself about that, I promise talking to him will make life complicated and it will leave you two hating eachother.

 

It will take a lot of time OP. Maybe a year. Maybe more. 3 months of No Contact is a short time when it comes to grieving. Sometimes it takes half a year just to kill hope and as you've noticed, killing the hope IS the HARDEST part of it all. Be patient with yourself and continue to let yourself feel what you have to feel. You're on the right track.

 

Stay Strong

 

Thank you so much I don't want my emotions to control me. And yes you're right if we were still in touch we would have hated each other.

 

But tell me one thing why is it so easy for him? one day he was so much in love with me and next day he got over me. He sounded so normal, cool and distant

[Gr8fuln2020]

But tell me one thing why is it so easy for him? one day he was so much in love with me and next day he got over me. He sounded so normal, cool and distant

 

No one truly has the answer to this. It could very well be that he was nowhere near as committed as you were. He may have been manipulating you until he was ready to move on. Who knows? Some people find it easier to let go by being aloof, cold....

[Beachead]

Thank you so much I don't want my emotions to control me. And yes you're right if we were still in touch we would have hated each other.

 

But tell me one thing why is it so easy for him? one day he was so much in love with me and next day he got over me. He sounded so normal, cool and distant

 

 

Sometime well before (Maybe a month or 2 prior) it ended, he realized he didn't see a future but didn't want to hurt you and thus convinced himself he could make it work so he stuck it through. But because he was lying to himself, over time, it wore him out. The relationship started to feel like a daily monotonous routine of pretending and it became work/obligation. He started to feel trapped/suffocated. He knew in his heart it wasn't going to work but because of the history you two shared, he just didn't know how to tell you until he couldn't take it anymore and ended it. By the time he did, he was a good 80% over you while you hadn't even begun to move on from him. You were still very much in love. Basically, he had a headstart in dealing with all the stuff that you're dealing with now because he dealt with it all in the relationship while you were unsuspecting. That's why it appeared so easy for him.

 

I don't think this was intentional. He just got caught up in the mess of breaking up with someone who meant something to him. Keep in mind, this was the same guy you were friends with. A person who was good enough to make you want to be with him. Nobody's that strong to just switch off overnight. It happens gradually and there is always some thought process going on. Having said that, you need to let yourself feel the way you need to feel about it. Be it hurt, angry etc.

 

Right now, he feels relieved and he can breathe freely but he feels guilty for what he did to you, so he tries to soothe it by checking up on you or attempting to rekindle friendship. Unfortunately, he's not thinking clearly and is acting in his own best interests and not yours. What he fails to understand is, when the two of you decided to get together, the friendship became a part of the relationship and when he let the relationship go, he lost the friendship. He doesn't get to choose what parts of the relationship he wants to keep and what he wants to discard.

Edited January 8, 2018 by Beachead

[Jeena]

Sometime well before (Maybe a month or 2 prior) it ended, he realized he didn't see a future but didn't want to hurt you and thus convinced himself he could make it work so he stuck it through. But because he was lying to himself, over time, it wore him out. The relationship started to feel like a daily monotonous routine of pretending and it became work/obligation. He started to feel trapped/suffocated. He knew in his heart it wasn't going to work but because of the history you two shared, he just didn't know how to tell you until he couldn't take it anymore and ended it. By the time he did, he was a good 80% over you while you hadn't even begun to move on from him. You were still very much in love. Basically, he had a headstart in dealing with all the stuff that you're dealing with now because he dealt with it all in the relationship while you were unsuspecting. That's why it appeared so easy for him.

 

I don't think this was intentional. He just got caught up in the mess of breaking up with someone who meant something to him. Keep in mind, this was the same guy you were friends with. A person who was good enough to make you want to be with him. Nobody's that strong to just switch off overnight. It happens gradually and there is always some thought process going on. Having said that, you need to let yourself feel the way you need to feel about it. Be it hurt, angry etc.

 

Right now, he feels relieved and he can breathe freely but he feels guilty for what he did to you, so he tries to soothe it by checking up on you or attempting to rekindle friendship. Unfortunately, he's not thinking clearly and is acting in his own best interests and not yours. What he fails to understand is, when the two of you decided to get together, the friendship became a part of the relationship and when he let the relationship go, he lost the friendship. He doesn't get to choose what parts of the relationship he wants to keep and what he wants to discard.

 

Agreed. Thank you you just have told me what happened to him. Your answer filled my eyes with tears.

Edited January 8, 2018 by Jeena

[Beachead]

Agreed. Thank you you just have told me what happened to him. Your answer filled my eyes with tears.

 

As it should. It's never an easy pill to swallow. When you fall in love, you open your soul up to them and leave yourself vulnerable to hurt/pain. When it doesn't work out, a part of us is lost with it. In that process, we change and become someone new. Maybe for the better, maybe for worse. Just give yourself time and be true to yourself. Feel everything you need to feel about it and keep working on yourself. I had to say goodbye to 3 women I fell in love with over the past 8 years. It hurt. Everytime. But if you take a moment to think about that for a second..even though I lost someone, I ended up falling in love again...and one more time afterwards.

 

You're going to be okay.

 

 

Ps. Use the "How are you coping" and "NC" thread in this section whenever you need to just vent or share thoughts. It'll help.

Edited January 8, 2018 by Beachead

[Jeena]

I am going to be okay. Thank you all I have been tied up in knots.

 

especially @beachead your words put me in new dimension of thinking.

[Beachead]

Glad to hear I could help in some way. Best of luck to you OP.

[Jeena]

Here I am again needs some insight why is he doing like that. Is is telling truth or using trick to check my mental status.

 

He's continuously liking my tweets and today he asked my friend to convey his message to me that he is going to be deployed in dangerous area and it is not sure that he'll come alive or not (P.s: He's an army personal). He is sorry what has happened and I am an amazing woman, he respects me etc etc.

 

Why did he tell all this to my friend or it's nothing, i am just overthinking?

 

@beachead

[igotoverit]

Here I am again needs some insight why is he doing like that. Is is telling truth or using trick to check my mental status.

 

He's continuously liking my tweets and today he asked my friend to convey his message to me that he is going to be deployed in dangerous area and it is not sure that he'll come alive or not (P.s: He's an army personal). He is sorry what has happened and I am an amazing woman, he respects me etc etc.

 

Why did he tell all this to my friend or it's nothing, i am just overthinking?

 

@beachead

 

 

Jeena, I read your story and you are holding on to this guy. I know it is so hard to let go when you are being fed hope but this can go on forever and be prolonging the pain. Myself and others on this site, haven't let go because we were led on before realizing that they did not love us.

 

 

What I am going to suggest is that for the time being, block him. It is going to be very hard but he will be there when you get back. I am sure he will be despite this new place he is going to. I would block him and focus on yourself and try to make yourself a stronger person.

 

If and when he returns you can unblock him when you are much stronger and if he does come back, he will be coming back to a stronger you and it has a higher chance of lasting.

 

 

I would, despite his possible dangerous placement, block him and focus on yourself. He knew what he was getting into and should be trained enough to handle this new placement as oppose to make everyone feel bad for him on social media.

[Jeena]

Jeena, I read your story and you are holding on to this guy. I know it is so hard to let go when you are being fed hope but this can go on forever and be prolonging the pain. Myself and others on this site, haven't let go because we were led on before realizing that they did not love us.

 

 

What I am going to suggest is that for the time being, block him. It is going to be very hard but he will be there when you get back. I am sure he will be despite this new place he is going to. I would block him and focus on yourself and try to make yourself a stronger person.

 

If and when he returns you can unblock him when you are much stronger and if he does come back, he will be coming back to a stronger you and it has a higher chance of lasting.

 

 

I would, despite his possible dangerous placement, block him and focus on yourself. He knew what he was getting into and should be trained enough to handle this new placement as oppose to make everyone feel bad for him on social media.

 

That's what I am doing nowadays focusing on myself and on my career.

But you didn't get my question sir. Why after break up he is telling me anything . We have broken up before 3 months. Why does he even care?