Fixation

[miked1986]

This may be a long one. I'm sorry about that, but I don't have people who I can talk to about this kind of thing. When I discovered this site I thought it might be a good way to get a better perspective on my situation through other people.

 

My ex and I dated for about a year. We had discussed marriage and even picked out rings. The last 6 months of the relationship she had moved in with me. We had discussed it quite a bit and when she had trouble paying her bills to the point where her electricity was off we decided to take the dive and move her in. She didn't have a job and her plates were expired with no way to pay for them so it made sense for her to rely on me. I'm not a social person and I value my privacy, but I was fully committed to her and was ready to open my house so we could make it a home. I'd like to point out at this point that shes not a 'leechy' person. My one friend just got divorced and if I try to talk to him about it, it always comes back to 'she was using you.' Shes genuinely a fantastic person, she is just very emotional. Our problem was arguments. She was already emotional and when her period would roll around she would be irrationally emotional. I'm not saying that everything was her fault. I'm not an emotionally charged person, and when I felt like she was making no sense I'd get frustrated and really act out on that.

 

I think the end of our relationship happened about 2 weeks before she actually moved out. She was in school full time and after graduation she wanted to host a party for all the people she went to school with. In the 10 years I've lived here I've had maybe a handful of people here. So it wasn't a situation I was overjoyed about, but I was all for it to make her happy. After socializing for a bit I retreated to where the kids were to watch some tv for a bit. After a bit, her 6 year old decided to start crab walking between the couch and coffee table. I told him he was going to fall and hit his head and he said he wouldn't. Seconds later, he fell and hit his head. My first reaction was to laugh. Not because he was in pain, I'd be the first to the rescue if he was, but I thought the irony was funny. She had heard the fall and came to investigate and when she saw me grinning she said in front of everyone "he hurts himself and your just going to sit there and laugh at him?" We made it through the party and she slept on the couch and the next day we got into a very heated argument about how she felt I ruined her party and I felt like while laughing wasn't the nicest thing in the world, her son was completely fine and she made a mountain out a mole hill. I'm not trying to imply that it was all her. I said plenty of ****ty things in my frustration. Including telling her to get out of my house if she doesn't like how I am. Not a good thing to tell someone when they basically have no where to go and they have a child.

 

Breaking up and having her move out was the last thing that I wanted. I got frustrated and acted out on that. So over the next 2 weeks I tried my best to be as good as a boyfriend as I could be. Offered her support where she needed it and spent some quality time with her kid. Partially because I wanted to make up for my frustration and partially because I could tell something was a little off.

 

She wasn't working the entire time she moved in with me. Not because she didn't want to, but because her plates were expired and it would be about $500 to get her car fixed. So we were living off of my meager earnings. I make enough to pay for my bills, house, and car payment, but at the end of the week I'm not flush with cash. We talked about getting her car fixed and she said she was going to use the grant she got from school even though she wasn't supposed to and we would pay back the difference. Well when it came time to pay for the car she messaged me saying I would have to pay the difference because she didn't have enough(she should have had enough to pay it 3 times). She had been spending money on her kids school clothes and things for the house, but I had always assumed it was her child support. I had no problem paying the difference, but after looking at my bank account, while i had the money, things would be tight until payday. She text me back, 'omg how is it that you are broke?" Now my first thought was something along the lines of 'you haven't contributed anything in the last 6 months and your complaining that I'm broke?!' but I don't want to fight, so I try to drop it and remind her that we don't have that over our head anymore and its only a few days until payday. I come home and she isn't speaking to me. Her kid comes home and shes nicer then I've ever seen her to him, but to me she acting like I'm a source of stress. So finally after her saying to her son "lets go watch tv in your room" (something she doesn't do unless shes mad about something) I say "I was doing you a favor and now I'm getting the silent treatment? No thank you, no hey how was work...nothing. She replied "I didn't know I needed to thank you for a favor." and we didn't talk for the rest of the night. She would usually come with me to work and then use my vehicle to get to school while I was working(she was a TA to help her resume). Well in the morning I was still getting the silent treatment so in anger I decided not to do any more favors and go to work without her. She text me on the way to work that she is moving out. We then went back and forth all day, basically both of us saying "i did this because you did that" "well i did that because you did this" and when I came home she said she felt this is whats best for her, but shes going to stay with me for a month while she looks for somewhere to stay and basically I'd have to deal with it. Her kid went to sleep and she did some petty things to basically say **** you to me and I decided that if I were rude enough she would go stay with her brother and I wouldn't have to live with someone who broke up with me and I still had strong feelings for. So I said every awful thing that came to mind in the hopes that she would be so miserable she'd leave. I'm not justified in any way. You shouldn't be ****ty to anyone let alone someone you claim to love. I think in my hurt I was just looking for any way I could revert back to my solidarity.

 

The next day I came home from work and there was a couple guys there I had never seen before. I called my dad for some 'backup' because I had no idea who these guys were. Turns out they were movers and after she arrived they went to work. My dad got there and immediately started to instigate. I respect my dad but he's where I got my ******* training to be sure. He put garbage on the moving truck was calling her a 'fat leechy bitch' and just really going out of his way to be ****ty to her. At one point when we were alone I apologized for him going over the top and she replied "**** happens." She called the cops on him, she left and we haven't spoken since.

 

It's almost 4 months after that fiasco and the whole reason I wrote this novel was because I just cannot get her out of my head. I think a lot of the reason I can't is due to the fact that I don't believe this end needed to happen. I think we were two mature people going about a relationship in an immature way. Instead of discussing how to handle each other better while arguing to strengthen the relationship we turned it into 'i'm justified in what I did because you did that." This isn't even close to the longest relationship I've had and not the first time I thought I'd get married to someone, but I felt like we connected in a way I haven't before. I can't go a day without thinking about how 'this' would be better with her or how I wish I could hear her opinion on whatever nonsense happened that day. I don't fb stalk and I haven't tried to contact her and I do not believe for a second she will contact me. She just not the type to get over little things and with me telling her off and my family telling her off that's far from a little thing. So I feel like the situation is perfect for moving on, but like I said I think about her more often then not and with the joy I get from remembering it comes with a strong sadness that its over. I realize time heals all wounds, but why do I feel like time has stopped this time around. I didn't think anyone would read this far, so if you did thank you and any advice would be appreciated.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like a lot of hurtful things were said in the heat of the moment and that your family added to it. I agree that both of you handled things in an immature way at times, but then most people do at some point when under stress. It sounds like it is over and there was enough hurt that it is not repairable. Both of you are bound to feel some sadness at the loss and that is what you are going through. It is a stage, coming to terms with it. Relationship breakdowns can be very confusing experiences and our brain wants to make sense of it all. This is probably impossible and so our brains sink into defeated misery. Eventually, this feeling of being in an 'emotional limbo' will dissipate and you will start to feel better and be better able to consider a different relationship.

 

I do not get the feeling that it would be a good idea to try to revive this relationship. There were a lot of problems with her finances and responsibilities. Understandably, you were both struggling - you with taking on this extra work and responsibility and her with her existing pressures and lack of appreciation of what you were doing for her. Relationships do often break down for those kinds of reasons. I know it's no consolation but you gave it a shot and it just didn't work out. Things will get better gradually.