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Cant get over it 3 months on in so much agony **Updated**


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 29th December 2017, 4:02 PM   #1
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Cant get over it 3 months on in so much agony **Updated**

So,

After around 6 years of being single I met someone who was exactly my type etc by accident. Our relationship started off amazingly in everyway. I went to his family wedding, we went on dates etc. (He is of british descent and I am mixed with muslim in my family though not religious)
After a few months in cracks started to show. I felt like I was the one making all of the effort to visit him (somewhat long distance relationship) I brought up one day Id like him to come and see me more often as usually when it was his turn to come down to my area he'd say hes tired etc. Once I brought this up he would say well you have met my whole family and yours don't know I exist.

My family are old fashioned and I would rather my boyfriend and I be more solid first though I was not in anyway ashamed of him like I now think he thought. He said he does make effort as I've met his family, even though this is a norm for his culture and he has introduced previous girlfriend(s). I on the never hand have never introduced anyone to mine - I've never had a significant other. He was my first everything.

Anyway stuff got swept under the carpet as it was never brought up in a calm manner. His effort continued to fade whenever I wanted a proper chat about it he shut it down or changed the subject, said i'm being paranoid.

I started to think about telling my family but i thought, now we really arent stable.. Another issue, he does not like islam in anyway. Says Muslims are bad and the reason for so much issues in the world. This made me uncomfortable and in the end he said some awful things I had to break up with him. He didnt want it to end up eventually when we were going to work it out he said he doesnt think were right for each other and the parents issue even though by this point I said I'd compromise.

Is this my fault? we are both 25 and hes seeing someone else now I have been told. I feel like I wrecked my chance of happiness He also said he loves me throughout our relationship - however last week he said he loves me as a person but is not in love with me - what does this mean? does this mean he never was? or was he but I pushed him away.
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Old 29th December 2017, 4:27 PM   #2
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It is not your fault he wouldn't make more of an effort.
It is not your fault he has poor muslin views.
It is not your fault one guy come along that met your criteria you wanted and you went for it.

It is your fault that you are beating your self up over one guy. I'm sure there will be plenty of other guys even though I know it doesn't feel like that right now. I too have little hopes of finding my forever person.

The way I see it, You put your self out there to be accepted and adored but he didn't so much. That's all you really can do in life. You did that. Consider him to be the one that lost out in the long run.
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Old 29th December 2017, 4:30 PM   #3
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All that really matters is that it's over so if you're looking for possible signs that he's interested in coming back, just forget it.

If you're looking to better yourself as a person and learn from past mistakes, then sure you could have not pushed so hard to get him to travel since he wasn't all that interested, and done the whole pushy clingy thing when he wasn't all that responsive.

You very well might have chased him away but if you didn't would you have been satisfied if things stayed the way they were? Because he wasn't going to change that's for sure.
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Old 29th December 2017, 8:22 PM   #4
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It sounds more like he was not all that into you to begin with, and he was just going off of the initial burst of excitement from having a new relationship. After all the excitement wore out, you started to see how he really is. You are better off moving on and finding someone else.
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Old 30th December 2017, 10:30 AM   #5
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You are 25. He was just the wrong guy. Learn from the mistakes. Don't date people who hate part of who you are. Don't date people who won't talk about the heavy / deep stuff with you & who sweep things under the rug.

The end of this relationship is not an indictment of your life. It does not doom you to spinsterhood. It was just an extended audition which helped you both realize that you are not each other's role of a lifetime.

Next.
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Old 30th December 2017, 10:49 AM   #6
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He's right you two are wrong for each other. Your religious beliefs will present a problem down the road if for no one else your family and I doubt you want to lose them. When he said he loves you but is no longer in love with you he means he loves you as a person but no longer has romantic feelings towards you. I guess he has already fallen for the other girl he's seeing.
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Old 30th December 2017, 11:52 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Msday91 View Post
So,

After around 6 years of being single I met someone who was exactly my type etc by accident. Our relationship started off amazingly in everyway. I went to his family wedding, we went on dates etc. (He is of british descent and I am mixed with muslim in my family though not religious)
After a few months in cracks started to show. I felt like I was the one making all of the effort to visit him (somewhat long distance relationship) I brought up one day Id like him to come and see me more often as usually when it was his turn to come down to my area he'd say hes tired etc. Once I brought this up he would say well you have met my whole family and yours don't know I exist.

My family are old fashioned and I would rather my boyfriend and I be more solid first though I was not in anyway ashamed of him like I now think he thought. He said he does make effort as I've met his family, even though this is a norm for his culture and he has introduced previous girlfriend(s). I on the never hand have never introduced anyone to mine - I've never had a significant other. He was my first everything.

Anyway stuff got swept under the carpet as it was never brought up in a calm manner. His effort continued to fade whenever I wanted a proper chat about it he shut it down or changed the subject, said i'm being paranoid.

I started to think about telling my family but i thought, now we really arent stable.. Another issue, he does not like islam in anyway. Says Muslims are bad and the reason for so much issues in the world. This made me uncomfortable and in the end he said some awful things I had to break up with him. He didnt want it to end up eventually when we were going to work it out he said he doesnt think were right for each other and the parents issue even though by this point I said I'd compromise.

Is this my fault? we are both 25 and hes seeing someone else now I have been told. I feel like I wrecked my chance of happiness He also said he loves me throughout our relationship - however last week he said he loves me as a person but is not in love with me - what does this mean? does this mean he never was? or was he but I pushed him away.
Hey OP,

I'm sorry you had to go through that

You didn't push him away so don't blame yourself. He did what a lot of people do and tried you out without knowing how he really felt. He was there for the initial excitement and then bailed when things started to get real. For example, the distance, the parents, the cultural differences are real relationship issues. Every relationship presents their own set of challenges. Both parties, if they care for one another, will work through them. If he cared about being with you, he wouldn't have said things like "I'm tired" whenever you asked him to come for a visit. He would have acknowledged your concerns about him not coming to visit and made effort to correct it instead of making you feel bad for not introducing him to your parents. He would have tried to understand your perspective of things. But everytime you had concerns, he made you feel bad. And then there's those Islam/Muslim comments. He basically forced you into breaking up with him.

So no he didn't love you OP. He's an idiot for saying he did.

Don't contact him. Block him from Social media so you don't see updates that will hurt you. I know for a fact there are far more respectful guys out there who will treat you well. For now, just concentrate on taking care of yourself.

- Beachead
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Last edited by Beachead; 30th December 2017 at 11:55 AM..
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Old 30th December 2017, 5:01 PM   #8
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nope

Not your fault. He may indeed dislike Muslims. He may have felt "hidden" from your life and family. Any excuse or rationalization you suppose in your head are just suppositions.

HE said he didnt think you were right for each other. HE made the decision to not continue pursuing it. HE decided to move on with someone else. Those are tangible actions. He was no longer in love with you. Now he loves you as a person. Yay.

He may have been perfect on paper, but it doesn't sound like he was in real life. Don't blame yourself for someone else leaving. It was his decision and you get to accept it whether you like it or not.
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Old 30th December 2017, 5:10 PM   #9
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He cares about you but he's no longer interested in you for any long-term relationship. He loves you as a person but doesn't feel you're right for him, and you probably aren't. No doubt your parents would have some problems with him being non-Muslim, and he isn't about to convert or anything and doesn't respect your religion. So you're just not right for each other. It's nobody's fault. You were right to break up with him. I hope you find someone who you love and who treats you well.
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Old 30th December 2017, 7:31 PM   #10
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Sounds he is a bit of an islamophobe Good you got rid of him! Why would you want to be with someone this narrow minded anyway?
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Old 30th December 2017, 7:43 PM   #11
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Sometimes we get fortunate without us seeing how fortunate we are. The guy in question sounds islamophobic. You are lucky he told you his hate for muslims. YOu might think he is right for you but no ..... he does not sound like it. Number 2 ... nobody holds the key to your happiness...
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Old 31st December 2017, 12:15 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
Sounds he is a bit of an islamophobe Good you got rid of him! Why would you want to be with someone this narrow minded anyway?
People who dislike Islam are not necessarily narrow minded, they could simply be realists. I have a lot of friends in Iran... they would qualify under your definition of "Islamaphobe", despite the fact that they were born and raised in that culture.

I think the real warning sign is someone who wants separation. If this guy actively wanted to meet her Muslim family members and did not act towards them in a bigoted manner... then I would say there is nothing wrong with him.

Here is the thing. OP didn't feel comfortable with him meeting the family because she always felt the relationship was shakey. He probably felt like her dirty little secret, but I doubt that is what made the relationship not feel solid. It's likely they are just a poor match.
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Old 1st January 2018, 8:23 PM   #13
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Cant cope, slowly drowning in my own misery

Hi all,

I am a 25 yold female by the way) I just can't get over my ex. Its been three months, technically four.

I am going through all sorts of emotions, the main is guilt and self-blame.
I know we couldve been amazing.
He was my first boyfriend after lots of rubbish dates, he was everything I was looking for and of course I wrecked it (see previous posts).

I just hate being me right now, I know it cant 1000 percent be just down to me, but I feel a massive portion of it is.

Firs day of new years and I am crying already. I feel bad for the not nice things I said to him as we were breaking up, for the most part he was good to me. He was my first sexual partner not sure if this is why I feel more attached.

I had a previous boyfriend when I was alot younger and Iscrewed up on that too for being too wishy washy and not bothered for his commitment, he went on to have a baby elsewhere due to me thinking Im a princess and he would wait for me to act right...after regretting that so much for about two years, I said I'd never screw up again when love finds me, and here I am, did it again.

I think I am an awful, unworthy person who to be fair, didn't deserve both of these amazing men.

I just really hate feeling this way, I know its pathetic, I have no idea how to be happy again when I hate myself so much right now.

Does anyone have any good suggestions? I am desperate, honestly.

I have tried excersize - only temporary relief, I want something long term.
At my age I should be able to hold a healthy, fulfilling relationship but NOPE.

Any comments appreciated.
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Old 1st January 2018, 8:25 PM   #14
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How/why do you think you screwed it up? Why do you feel responsible?
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Old 1st January 2018, 8:46 PM   #15
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The only eay to do this to allow your self to cry be sad be angry be depressed bu in a healty manner. Dont be hard on your self. Im in the same situation and is hard as **** but i cant do anything just to accept and try to move one..is hard and will be hard. Distracting yourself eorks but temporarly cause you will only mask the pain and it will hit you harder. Allow tourself to greif at least 10 minutes a day. Stay alone and be aware of tour emotions and let them be fona while then get up and move on with your stuff. Sorry for typo writing from
Phone

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 1st January 2018 at 9:16 PM..
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