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I miss my ex again even though I'm in a new rship


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 27th December 2017, 11:13 AM   #1
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I miss my ex again even though I'm in a new rship

Hello, nice to meet you all.

I'm posting here because I don't know where to turn to anymore. It feels as if no one can relate or offer advice. Here's my deal:

My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 10 months. It was an intense relationship, with a lot of fights and passion. When things got heated I tended to just leave and leave him hanging. And he was never there for me when I needed him. He always cared more about himself than me. It wasn't the healthiest ordeal. But we did love each other. At least I loved him, even though I made a lot of mistakes.

Eventually he broke up with me, his right of course. I got mad and sad, nothing weird. But then he tried coming back. We tried, he left. He came back again, tried, left again. This continued for 6 months. Me always allowing him to come back because I was madly in love with him. He always chose the right moments to come back (when I started dating or felt great and strong). He toyed with my emotions and started calling me crazy when I said I was confused and hurt. In the end it seemed he only wanted to have sex and didn't care much about my feelings. I became completely depressed.

Then someone else came along and I decided to give it a shot. My ex started leaving me alone besides a text once asking for my help for some kind of project. I got angry and he stayed away after.

Now I've been with this guy for 6 months. The first 3 months were magical, i was so in love and forgot all about my ex. This guy genuinely loves me and cares about me. Our communication is amazing. He's perfect to me. But now those feelings are fading and for the past 3 weeks I keep thinking about my ex and missing him. Wondering if he misses me too (even though I know he probably doesn't).

I Don't know what to do anymore. I can't focus on anything anymore. I long for my ex and I keep having doubts about my current relationship.
What now?
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Old 27th December 2017, 11:25 AM   #2
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You certainly fall in & out of love quickly.

If you think you want your EX back, break up with your BF & get back together with the EX. Only do that if the issues that broke up apart have been resolved.

If you prefer to stay with your BF, stop interacting with the EX. It's disrespectful & a slippery slope to cheating.

You already said your EX was disrespectful & only wanted you for sex while the new guy is perfect & you have better communication. So what is it about the EX that is so attractive? Are you one of those who only wants what she can't have?
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Old 27th December 2017, 11:26 AM   #3
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Why are you longing for a guy who treated you like dirt? From what you described you weren't even with him for 10 months if he was off and on with you for 6 of them. Ask yourself why you feel you don't deserve someone who treats you with respect like the one you are with now. You are stuck on a bad boy and it is highly doubtful that you are still on his mind.
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Old 27th December 2017, 12:27 PM   #4
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Based purely on what you have written, it sounds like you are only thinking and longing for your ex now that the honeymoon phase of your new relationship is wearing off.

It is normal to have phases of thinking about your ex and remembering the good times that you shared. You also have phases where you don't think about him at all and you're busy being happy with your new guy.

I think that you should continue to establish and build your relationship with the new man in your life. Even if things don't work out further than the line, at least you can say you gave it your all and you won't be wondering if it didn't work out purely due to the fact you left him for your ex.

Remember that you tried again with your ex numerous times and things didn't work. Assume nothing has changed and history would only repeat itself if you went back to him. If there's one thing I've learnt, it's that second chances very rarely work with an ex, he is no longer in your life for a reason.

Remember all the ways you felt in that relationship with him, you felt lonely and he was never there for you. You say that he always cared about himself more. This kind of trait takes a long time to change, if ever.
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Old 28th December 2017, 5:37 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
You certainly fall in & out of love quickly.

If you think you want your EX back, break up with your BF & get back together with the EX. Only do that if the issues that broke up apart have been resolved.

If you prefer to stay with your BF, stop interacting with the EX. It's disrespectful & a slippery slope to cheating.

You already said your EX was disrespectful & only wanted you for sex while the new guy is perfect & you have better communication. So what is it about the EX that is so attractive? Are you one of those who only wants what she can't have?
I don't have any contact with the EX, wouldn't do that to myself or my current boyfriend. It's just the thoughts that keep circling around. I don't know what causes the attraction. I guess I just thought he and I would be "right". That somehow I thought in the end it would be all right. He's the first man I felt so strongly for.

Thank you for your reply
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Old 28th December 2017, 5:45 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
Why are you longing for a guy who treated you like dirt? From what you described you weren't even with him for 10 months if he was off and on with you for 6 of them. Ask yourself why you feel you don't deserve someone who treats you with respect like the one you are with now. You are stuck on a bad boy and it is highly doubtful that you are still on his mind.
I was with him for 10, we broke up and after that he played with me for another 6 months. Sorry I didn't explain it clearly!

You are right, the whole experience messed with my self-worth. But somehow I can't fix it? I keep being really insecure about things I never used to be insecure about (my personality). And these insecurities are affecting my life, my happiness, my current relationship.

I feel sad to admit this but I went into counseling during those painful 6 months after. It helped a lot to understand and to cast off the shame of "not being good enough" and loving someone so deeply even though it's unrequited. I felt/feel so much shame about the whole thing. How could I become so weak for someone else who just tossed me around like I was nothing.

I guess somehow I'm still looking for validation from my ex : he really loved me/ he didn't screw me over, it was out of doubts and love instead of lust. But I know it's probably not and that hurts. I know it's stupid but if he would love me I wouldn't feel so ****ty about myself and my life.

Thank you for replying
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Old 28th December 2017, 5:53 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheOnlyOne73 View Post
Based purely on what you have written, it sounds like you are only thinking and longing for your ex now that the honeymoon phase of your new relationship is wearing off.

It is normal to have phases of thinking about your ex and remembering the good times that you shared. You also have phases where you don't think about him at all and you're busy being happy with your new guy.

I think that you should continue to establish and build your relationship with the new man in your life. Even if things don't work out further than the line, at least you can say you gave it your all and you won't be wondering if it didn't work out purely due to the fact you left him for your ex.

Remember that you tried again with your ex numerous times and things didn't work. Assume nothing has changed and history would only repeat itself if you went back to him. If there's one thing I've learnt, it's that second chances very rarely work with an ex, he is no longer in your life for a reason.

Remember all the ways you felt in that relationship with him, you felt lonely and he was never there for you. You say that he always cared about himself more. This kind of trait takes a long time to change, if ever.
You make a lot of sense. Thank you, it helps a lot, it really does.
I'm just so worried and nervous (?) that this stupid longing and missing won't pass even though I know he was horrible to me.

And indeed, the honeymoon phase is passing. We're having fights now and then. I'm discovering things I'm not quite fond of. And I'm easily unhappy when those little things pop up with him. When that unhappy feel is creeping in, I start longing for the past. Because there was a time I was really really happy with my ex.

Then I feel guilty about thinking of another man, I feel guilty I'm not doing all I can for ly current man. I feel guilty I let myself get hurt. I feel guilty I messed up my previous rship.

I can't let anything go it seems somehow.

Thank you for helping. <3
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