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Pain is overwhelming


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 29th December 2017, 2:05 PM   #106
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Originally Posted by Heartbrokenandhurt View Post
Woke up today thinking about him as usual. Wishing he was with me, wondering why he can't love me. It just cycles all the time, its made me so unhappy. I can't stop thinking about him even if I try. My friend told me he was in my area a few weeks ago, at a bar he knew I used to go with a friend. I could have been there that night and bumped into him, luckily I didn't... i'd of probably had a panic attack! I just wish I could be at peace with all of this, i'm so ground down after a year.
Here's the thing..

You don't stop thinking about someone by trying to stop thinking about them. It doesn't work like that. You stop thinking about them by filling your mind up with more things to think about. I'm not talking about distracting yourself. Because it's absolutely imperative that you do have some time to think about what happened in the relationship with him. That's how you heal. But, your problem is, it's ALL you've allowed yourself to think about and THAT. It's taken up your whole brain. So I'm talking about SHARING the space with other things.

Join activites and volunteer and do things you love. Do what you really want to do deep down in side..the kind of things you dreamed about when you were a kid. Take up dance lessons. Take up an instrument. Try out a sport. Go skydiving, bungee, hiking, a solo road trip or with some friends, travel outside the country or what not. Set goals. Make plans. And again, get a notebook and write. Write your thoughts out. Try the exercises I gave you. It's reflective therapy. It'll help you see what's in your head. Help you see patterns and repetitive behaviors. And I can't stress this enough. Start going to the gym. Getting active will release chemicals that'll induce good, positive emotions. Develop a life that's FUN. Your kind of fun.

You'll start thinking about other things. That fun time you had with your friends last week. That cute rock climbing instructor who showed you how to harness your rope. How free you felt when you travelled to Costa Rica. How you're actually getting better at playing the guitar.

You'll still think about him..but less. And that "less" will be enough for you to want to see what next week will bring.

The lifestyle in itself will actually be what heals you. As a side-effect, you'll end up meeting a lot of people, accumulating crazy experiences and having fun as a side-effect. Dare I say even help you meet men who share in your interests (Though I strongly advise against dating right now. You don't need it). That's a pretty good side-effect. Therapy and meditation and medication can only be useful if YOU put the work in. What you're doing right now? It's bs.

The best way I can describe it to you is you're taking a protein shake but not training at the gym. You're taking music lessons but not practicing at home. And then you're wondering why you aren't getting better. The nice body comes with consistent hard work on diet/gym. Becoming a good pianist comes from practicing everyday. Results come from not just working on what you're good at..but working on you WEAKEST points. It means getting real with who you are so you can fix it. You're not going to get anywhere with this unless you put the work in. You need to get real with yourself first of all so you can start showing yourself some real love.

I took a lot of time to craft this response so I hope it resonates with you in some way because it's the best I got.

Last edited by Beachead; 29th December 2017 at 2:10 PM..
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Old 29th December 2017, 2:10 PM   #107
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Originally Posted by Beachead View Post
Here's the thing..

You don't stop thinking about someone by trying to stop thinking about them. It doesn't work like that. You stop thinking about them by filling your mind up with more things to think about. I'm not talking about distracting yourself. Because it's absolutely imperative that you do have some time to think about what happened in the relationship with him. That's how you heal. But, your problem is, it's ALL you've allowed yourself to think about and THAT. It's taken up your whole brain. So I'm talking about SHARING the space with other things.

Join activites and volunteer and do things you love. Do what you really want to do deep down in side..the kind of things you dreamed about when you were a kid. Take up dance lessons. Take up an instrument. Try out a sport. Go skydiving, bungee, hiking, a solo road trip or with some friends, travel outside the country or what not. Set goals. Make plans. And again, get a notebook and write. Write your thoughts out. Try the exercises I gave you. It's reflective therapy. It'll help you see what's in your head. Help you see patterns and repetitive behaviors. And I can't stress this enough. Start going to the gym. Getting active will release chemicals that'll induce good, positive emotions. Develop a life that's FUN. Your kind of fun.

You'll start thinking about other things. That fun time you had with your friends last week. That cute rock climbing instructor who showed you how to harness your rope. How free you felt when you travelled to Costa Rica. How you're actually getting better at playing the guitar.

You'll still think about him..but less. And that "less" will be enough for you to want to see what next week will bring.

The lifestyle in itself will actually be what heals you. As a side-effect, you'll end up meeting a lot of people, accumulating crazy experiences and having fun as a side-effect. Dare I say even help you meet men who share in your interests (Though I strongly advise against dating right now. You don't need it). That's a pretty good side-effect. Therapy and meditation and medication can only be useful if YOU put the work in. What you're doing right now? It's bs.

The best way I can describe it to you is you're taking a protein shake but not training at the gym. You're taking music lessons but not practicing at home. And then you're wondering why you aren't getting better.

You're not going to get anywhere with this unless you put the work in. You need to get real with yourself first of all so you can start showing yourself some real love.
100% spot on. And I'd further advise to move out on your own. That activity alone will give you a LOT to occupy your mind and time. And only good will come of it.
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Old 30th December 2017, 5:20 AM   #108
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I appreciate your time and effort. I just feel past it because no matter what my thoughts always come back to thinking about how much he doesn't love me when i'm here pining away. I was thinking of changing my apperance, I don't seem to work as I am. Don't get me wrong... there are times when I have a glimmer of hope, but the next day I can be in bed feeling suicidial and a waste of space and life... its emotionally exhausting.

I hate being in the town at weekends cause it reminds me how single I am and have always been. (Pretty much)

Also the people who keep on going on about moving out, yes sure I would... if I actually had money! I don't make enough to live on even though I work full time. Thats a whole other kettle of fish to my unhappiness.
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Old 30th December 2017, 9:33 AM   #109
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Originally Posted by Heartbrokenandhurt View Post

Also the people who keep on going on about moving out, yes sure I would... if I actually had money! I don't make enough to live on even though I work full time. Thats a whole other kettle of fish to my unhappiness.
You don't make enough to afford anything at all, or you don't make enough to live the way you're living now?

Sorry, but I think this is 100% an excuse, and I believe it's really holding you back in your dating life. Not many men are going to want to feel responsible for supporting you because you can't afford to support yourself.

Get a roommate. Get a second job. Reduce your budget. Get a NEW job.

There ARE options. You just don't want to do it.

Being solely responsible for all the bills is daunting, we get it. Many of us are doing it and also struggling to do it. That's ok......not everything in life has to be easy.

What's your general line of work?
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Old 30th December 2017, 12:51 PM   #110
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I think then maybe you should take 2018 to put your mental energy and focus into finding a way to change your living situation. Unless you live in NYC or the Bay area, or have massive debts, I'm not seeing how you can't afford to live on your own if you are working full-time and, by your account, doing well in your field of work.

If none of the above applies to you, then I would agree with the above poster that you might be using this as an excuse to stay put.

Speaking as a guy, I would not be able to take seriously a woman still living at home in her twenties or older unless there was a really good reason (i.e. sick parents).
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Old 30th December 2017, 1:23 PM   #111
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Originally Posted by Beachead View Post
Here's the thing..

You don't stop thinking about someone by trying to stop thinking about them. It doesn't work like that. You stop thinking about them by filling your mind up with more things to think about. I'm not talking about distracting yourself. Because it's absolutely imperative that you do have some time to think about what happened in the relationship with him. That's how you heal. But, your problem is, it's ALL you've allowed yourself to think about and THAT. It's taken up your whole brain. So I'm talking about SHARING the space with other things.

Join activites and volunteer and do things you love. Do what you really want to do deep down in side..the kind of things you dreamed about when you were a kid. Take up dance lessons. Take up an instrument. Try out a sport. Go skydiving, bungee, hiking, a solo road trip or with some friends, travel outside the country or what not. Set goals. Make plans. And again, get a notebook and write. Write your thoughts out. Try the exercises I gave you. It's reflective therapy. It'll help you see what's in your head. Help you see patterns and repetitive behaviors. And I can't stress this enough. Start going to the gym. Getting active will release chemicals that'll induce good, positive emotions. Develop a life that's FUN. Your kind of fun.

You'll start thinking about other things. That fun time you had with your friends last week. That cute rock climbing instructor who showed you how to harness your rope. How free you felt when you travelled to Costa Rica. How you're actually getting better at playing the guitar.

You'll still think about him..but less. And that "less" will be enough for you to want to see what next week will bring.

The lifestyle in itself will actually be what heals you. As a side-effect, you'll end up meeting a lot of people, accumulating crazy experiences and having fun as a side-effect. Dare I say even help you meet men who share in your interests (Though I strongly advise against dating right now. You don't need it). That's a pretty good side-effect. Therapy and meditation and medication can only be useful if YOU put the work in. What you're doing right now? It's bs.

The best way I can describe it to you is you're taking a protein shake but not training at the gym. You're taking music lessons but not practicing at home. And then you're wondering why you aren't getting better. The nice body comes with consistent hard work on diet/gym. Becoming a good pianist comes from practicing everyday. Results come from not just working on what you're good at..but working on you WEAKEST points. It means getting real with who you are so you can fix it. You're not going to get anywhere with this unless you put the work in. You need to get real with yourself first of all so you can start showing yourself some real love.

I took a lot of time to craft this response so I hope it resonates with you in some way because it's the best I got.
This, is a good bit of wisdom. Read it, and reread it, until it sinks in.

You don't get over a breakup (or anything else that didn't go as you planned in life) by sitting at home, trying not to think about it. You get over it by broadening your perspective. Go out, live your life, do things you enjoy, meet new people and have fun... saying that you don't want to go out because you are afraid you will meet your ex is a cop out. The best revenge would be for him to see you enjoying your life.

You have only one life, how do you want to live it? Do you want to live in misery, alone at home, ruminating on all the things that didn't go as you would have wanted... of do you want to enjoy your life. It's totally your decision... and your decision alone. Chose wisely.
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Old 31st December 2017, 1:50 PM   #112
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Someone posted this beautiful poem on Facebook. I wanted to share with you...

She realized she had this one.
This big, bold,
and beautiful life.
And she realized
she didn't want to live it
chasing and crying
and apologizing.
Starving and fearing
and regretting.
She realized
she wanted to live it
proudly and freely
and creatively.
Lovingly and fully
and sweetly.
She realized
she could choose.
And so, she chose.

I hope that you come to understand these words in the coming year.
Happy New Year.
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Old 1st January 2018, 5:22 PM   #113
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
Someone posted this beautiful poem on Facebook. I wanted to share with you...

She realized she had this one.
This big, bold,
and beautiful life.
And she realized
she didn't want to live it
chasing and crying
and apologizing.
Starving and fearing
and regretting.
She realized
she wanted to live it
proudly and freely
and creatively.
Lovingly and fully
and sweetly.
She realized
she could choose.
And so, she chose.

I hope that you come to understand these words in the coming year.
Happy New Year.
Thank you. But my life isn't beautiful. Living whilst feeling you're only here because you are, isn't easy. I feel like I just exist. Even if I do go out and spend time with friends, the events of this year and the loneliness doesn't leave, its always with me now. I feel beyond help but I do appreciate people trying. I just think what hope have I got if I can't even get a person to love and appreciate me. I feel bad for people dying of cancer, I tend to think I should take their place, nobody except a few family members would care.
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Old 1st January 2018, 5:41 PM   #114
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Originally Posted by Heartbrokenandhurt View Post
Thank you. But my life isn't beautiful.

I feel beyond help but I do appreciate people trying.

I just think what hope have I got if I can't even get a person to love and appreciate me.
That's the thing. Your life IS beautiful. Of course, it's beautiful. YOU can make it beautiful.

You don't see that because you are very depressed. I hope you find help for your depression.

When you do, you will learn that you will not find happiness, validation, or self worth from other people. You give that to yourself.

And when you are happy and healthy, you will find love. Perhaps it will be from a boyfriend, perhaps your parents, perhaps a friend... But love, is all around...
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Old 1st January 2018, 5:44 PM   #115
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Originally Posted by Heartbrokenandhurt View Post
Thank you. But my life isn't beautiful. Living whilst feeling you're only here because you are, isn't easy. I feel like I just exist. Even if I do go out and spend time with friends, the events of this year and the loneliness doesn't leave, its always with me now. I feel beyond help but I do appreciate people trying. I just think what hope have I got if I can't even get a person to love and appreciate me. I feel bad for people dying of cancer, I tend to think I should take their place, nobody except a few family members would care.
I'm really sorry you feel this way. I hope you can take some of the advice you've been given here to gain control of your life and some independence instead of just waiting around for Prince Charming to whisk you away. I think it will make you loads happier than you are now.

Take care, HaH.
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Old 1st January 2018, 5:55 PM   #116
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I'm sat crying my eyes out, for the same reasons I did a year ago. I just don't think it will ever end. I think Christmas and New Year always make me realise how unimportant I am to anyone, that doesn't include family or friends.
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Old 1st January 2018, 6:36 PM   #117
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I'm sat crying my eyes out, for the same reasons I did a year ago. I just don't think it will ever end. I think Christmas and New Year always make me realise how unimportant I am to anyone, that doesn't include family or friends.
You're stuck in a cycle of self-pity. If you want to get out of it, you know you can. I'm not sure you want to.....yet......
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Old 1st January 2018, 7:01 PM   #118
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Indeed. The only person who can break this cycle of self pity and depression is you. There are people who would help you, but not until you decide that you want it for yourself.
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Old 1st January 2018, 7:40 PM   #119
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I'm sat crying my eyes out, for the same reasons I did a year ago. I just don't think it will ever end. I think Christmas and New Year always make me realise how unimportant I am to anyone, that doesn't include family or friends.
I realized a few years ago that I really didn't have people I could call friends. During my toughest times, there was nobody really. We'd make plans, they'd cancel. No support any of my interests beyond a text. No physical or face to face interaction unless there was a purpose that served them. I had spent a lot of years bending backwards for them. By the time my previous ex dumped me..my heart had had enough. I went into depression but I also cut out a lot of people and demoted the rest. Ended up focusing on me and meeting new people. I rarely ever award someone the title of a "friend" now. Most are just people that I hang with.

Further proving this is more recent times where I had to recover from a surgery. Not a visit, not a call, not even a text. If it wasn't for my mom, I would have had to get through the recovery process alone. Lost my job too and basically everyone I had invested my time in forgot my birthday this year because they had nothing to remind them since I deactivated my facebook account to heal from my breakup. Not even my extended family remembered. And my recent ex? Well, she said she loved me but she left my a$$, disappeared and went back to her ex. Is it really too much to ask to get some love once in awhile? I guess it is in this world. So even if it's only my family that cares about me, I'll appreciate it and I'll treat them right because to me, they deserve it more than anyone.

Try to see what you have. Even if it's just family/friends that care..atleast they are there. Don't sell them short..appreciate them. Love them. Treat them right. Hold them tight. They're exactly what you need because they love you.
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Last edited by Beachead; 1st January 2018 at 11:10 PM..
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Old 2nd January 2018, 5:08 AM   #120
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I'm sorry to read what you had to go through. I sometimes feel the same. I know a few friends genuinely care, but its nothing compared to real love and care is it? I'm grateful, but still feel lacking.

I woke up today thinking about when he told me I should find someone else when we broke up. I just can't handle it. A few weeks ago, I told myself, if he doesn't reach out over Christmas/New Year then you might aswell end it... he really doesn't care. I feel ugly, unwanted, that I failed. I'm going to work today but I would rather not continue the cycle.
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