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Pain is overwhelming


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 27th December 2017, 4:11 PM   #91
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So, re-reading this thread, I've got some more observations:

- It kind of feels like your five years of singleness made you primed to fall head over heels with the first guy you got on well with who reciprocated interest. I've known people who seem like they dug their hooks into the first remotely viable candidate they got, foregoing serious consideration if this person would be a suitable life partner for them.

- You mention being 27 and being upstairs in bed while your family was over for Christmas. Am I to take this to mean that you still are living at home? If so, why? I'm asking because...

- You mention wanting a family most out of life, with things such as career being further down on your list of priorities. That's fine, though as others have pointed out, you have staked your life's biggest goal to something that really isn't any more than half in your control.

Do you work? Is it a career? What sort of social activities do you engage in? If most of your days are void of any real purpose, then it makes sense that you're still so devastated about this guy. You've staked your hopes and dreams to the concept of starting a family and this guy would've been an integral part of that. With him gone, and nothing else to occupy your time, of course you're still feeling bedridden a year later.
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Old 27th December 2017, 6:41 PM   #92
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I work full time and have moved up in my career lately and i'm happy where I am, I work in a good place but i'd trade it for a great loving relationship and family. I still live at home because I don't fancy living on my own and its also expensive single. I don't want a housemate unless they were my partner.

When you want something or someone so much, and you're constantly living without it you get very tired and fed up.
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Old 27th December 2017, 8:05 PM   #93
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Originally Posted by Heartbrokenandhurt View Post
I work full time and have moved up in my career lately and i'm happy where I am, I work in a good place but i'd trade it for a great loving relationship and family. I still live at home because I don't fancy living on my own and its also expensive single. I don't want a housemate unless they were my partner.

When you want something or someone so much, and you're constantly living without it you get very tired and fed up.
Just sending you, and OP, a hug. It's hard, when you ware waiting and hoping that someone will come along...

One of my friend once lamented that there are two things that unfortunately, as much as we may wish it so, we can't "make" happen in your lives. One is meeting someone to love. And the other is having a baby. For those who want either of these things and they are just not happening... the sadness can sometimes be overwhelming and it's hard to keep the faith.
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Old 27th December 2017, 8:08 PM   #94
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Just sending you, and OP, a hug. It's hard, when you ware waiting and hoping that someone will come along...

One of my friend once lamented that there are two things that unfortunately, as much as we may wish it so, we can't "make" happen in your lives. One is meeting someone to love. And the other is having a baby. For those who want either of these things and they are just not happening... the sadness can sometimes be overwhelming and it's hard to keep the faith.
Absolutely. I know exactly how this feels and it really does feel like total despair at times . But, we also get only one shot at this life and it's pretty guaranteed a LOT of crappy stuff is gonna happen to us, so we either decide to face it like a champ, or we don't.
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Old 27th December 2017, 8:09 PM   #95
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I work full time and have moved up in my career lately and i'm happy where I am, I work in a good place but i'd trade it for a great loving relationship and family. I still live at home because I don't fancy living on my own and its also expensive single. I don't want a housemate unless they were my partner.

When you want something or someone so much, and you're constantly living without it you get very tired and fed up.
I suggest you move out and become independent. It will make you a lot more attractive to a partner.
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Old 27th December 2017, 8:15 PM   #96
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Especially if you live in a HCOL area, you can stay put but you need to get more active. Make a point to make the effort to go out at least once per week to meet someone new. You also need to be more active doing things that make you happy. You will not be able to attract a healthy happy partner if you continue to mope around in your broken state.
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Old 27th December 2017, 8:23 PM   #97
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Glad to hear you're doing well and enjoying your current job. That matters, even if it seems like poor consolation for what you feel you truly desire.

I would suggest, unless it's just not economically possible, to consider getting your own place. I lived at home during my first two years of college, and then again for a couple of years post-graduation, so I certainly get how staying put can feel more comfortable.

However, living on your own pushes you to do so many little beneficial things you don't even really think about until you're tasked with doing them. I'm far from the most level-headed, responsible guy I know, but I can safely say that I'd be even further behind the curve if I had kept living at home all these years.

I'm not saying that I would not date a woman your age who still lived at home, but unless there was a cultural and economical reason behind it, I would view it as a potential red flag; maybe even a deal-breaker. I say that, in part, because of what I mentioned above. But moreover, I feel like most of the fully-grown adult women I've crossed paths with who are still living at home for no obvious reason seem emotionally and socially stunted compared to the average person their age who's living independently. Food for thought.
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Old 27th December 2017, 8:44 PM   #98
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I live in a big city with an extremely high cost of living. Before I got married, I also lived alone. If you want to do this, you have to do what I did and acknowledge you won't always have money to go out or buy new clothes. If you don't want to do this, get a roommate with a different work schedule so there's minimal friction. But Blanco is right---many men are going to be put off by a woman in her late 20s living at home when she can technically afford to live elsewhere. It smacks of arrested development.

Start by recognizing your ability to change. Whether it's weight loss, a new job or meeting a guy, the first thing you have to do is believe you can do it. No matter how much you hurt now, remind yourself that it's not forever and you can create change. When you do, think about how you want to make that happen. You can turn your situation around but not without putting in effort.
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Old 27th December 2017, 10:35 PM   #99
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After college I moved back in with my parents. It was due to financial reasons, but mostly because I was afraid I couldnít make it on my own. I did not finally move out until I was 25. What helped me though was that my younger brother and I got an apartment together. It alleviated a lot of my fears about trying to make it on my own because I had someone I knew there with me and it also helped me out financially. Almost four years ago I bought my first home and I couldnít be happier.

My point is, it made me realize that I could make it on my own and it has also greatly improved my mood. I am more confident and not so depressed and down in the dumps all the time like I used to be when living at home. Donít get me wrong, I love my family dearly, but there is nothing quite like independence. To me itís the most wonderful thing. If nothing else it might improve your mood. Do you have a sibling or a friend you could room with? Or maybe place an add that youíre looking for a roommate? Might make the process a little easier at least until you are able to be completely independent? If thatís what you want of course. Though if you are happy living at home, there is nothing wrong with that. You have to do what makes you happy.
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Old 29th December 2017, 6:16 AM   #100
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Woke up today thinking about him as usual. Wishing he was with me, wondering why he can't love me. It just cycles all the time, its made me so unhappy. I can't stop thinking about him even if I try. My friend told me he was in my area a few weeks ago, at a bar he knew I used to go with a friend. I could have been there that night and bumped into him, luckily I didn't... i'd of probably had a panic attack! I just wish I could be at peace with all of this, i'm so ground down after a year.
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Old 29th December 2017, 7:47 AM   #101
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Sometimes I feel like suicide would be the only cure of the hell i'm living. I don't want to die, but I can't continue this daily either. No matter how I try, it always comes back... these thoughts always come back.
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Old 29th December 2017, 10:44 AM   #102
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Get some therapy. You have become the cause of your own pain, and you need help to change that.

You are seriously depressed if you are considering taking your own life because a guy left you. Nobody, and no relationship, is worth your life.

Suicide is not the answer. Call a suicide hotline or go to emergency if you are feeling suicidal.
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Old 29th December 2017, 12:29 PM   #103
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The thoughts can be overwhelming.

Please try meditation. It will help you become aware of your thoughts and emotions. You can then be in control of your thoughts, instead of vice versa.

Take care my friend.
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Old 29th December 2017, 1:49 PM   #104
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I have been on meds for a few years and i'm having therapy.

Maybe its knowing hes around my area at the moment. It makes me uncomfortable. Because the places I go he'd probably go. I wouldn't want to bump into him as i've been NC for a few months.
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Old 29th December 2017, 1:57 PM   #105
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I have been on meds for a few years and i'm having therapy.

Maybe its knowing hes around my area at the moment. It makes me uncomfortable. Because the places I go he'd probably go. I wouldn't want to bump into him as i've been NC for a few months.
You seem quite intent on continuing to dwell on it and let it occupy your thoughts.

What can you do to change that?
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