LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Coping

Pain is overwhelming


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

Like Tree397Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 26th December 2017, 3:17 PM   #61
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 26,343
Answering beacheads' questions will help. You can PM beachhead if you don't want to post publically but the exercise will force you to see value in yourself, separate & apart from some EX BF or any SO
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 3:28 PM   #62
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 3,151
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heartbrokenandhurt View Post
It was short term again. Same scenario. He really liked me to begin with and then lost interest. Stopped doing all the nice gestures, I got upset and ended it. He wasn't that bothered, he moved on in a few months. He was more offended that he'd been dumped than upset over losing me. He told a mutual friend it 'ran its course' but it had barely any time to start!
According to you. This is your perspective. A few months is plenty long to see if two people have what it takes to go the distance. I wonder how much time you think a relationship should go on/run its course in order for the other person to be valid in their reason for wanting to end it? You seem to have a unique take on relationships.....that as long as they start off well, they all should last forever if the other person isn't a total jerk. It doesn't work that way for most people, though.
Minneloa likes this.
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 3:31 PM   #63
Established Member
 
Blanco's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 2,569
OP, you have given this man far too much power. He is not the key to your happiness. No one is. That you think this shows how deeply rooted your self worth issues are. That is the real issue here. The guy is merely a symptom of your real problem.
Blanco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 3:41 PM   #64
Established Member
 
Blanco's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 2,569
One more thing to consider: People who have little to no self-worth unless they are in a relationship are great candidates to get steamrolled, manipulated, and abused by their partner. These people feel they are so unworthy of love that they are willing to forego any semblance of pride or self-respect in the name of "love."

I highly suggest you address and work on these issues before you concern yourself too much with finding someone, because without this critical work, you will not have a healthy relationship even if you find a man. Best of luck.
Blanco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 4:00 PM   #65
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 4,346
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heartbrokenandhurt View Post
... don't feel that will make much difference to this situation or my handling of it?
Wow, you are really intent on being miserable, aren't you.

I think what was intended, was for you to begin to focus on the positives and have some gratitude for the good things in your life. In doing that, you will see that your self worth and your very life is worth more than whether you are or are not with this, or any other man...

But, if you are not interested then by all means, continue to wallow in your sadness and depression...

Look - I know how painful it is to watch your friends in relationships and how lonely it can be when you are searching for a partner. I'm sorry you are feeling down, but the truth is... You have two choices. Wallow in self pity or search for some positive and know that this too shall pass... Tomorrow is another day. It's your decision.

Last edited by BaileyB; 26th December 2017 at 5:07 PM..
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 5:11 PM   #66
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
Wow, you are really intent on being miserable, aren't you.

I think what was intended, was for you to begin to focus on the positives and have some gratitude for the good things in your life.

But, if you are not interested then by all means, continue to wallow in your sadness and depression...

Look - I know how painful it is to watch your friends in relationships and how lonely it can be when you are searching for a partner. I'm sorry you are feeling down, but the truth is... You have two choices. Wallow in self pity or search for some positive and know that this too shall pass... Tomorrow is another day. It's your decision.
I've never had a loving relationship. I'm in my late twenties. All i've ever wanted from life was marriage and a family. I'm not even bothered about career. That was my goal in life and every year it just feels further and further away. Of course i'm sad all the time!! I found the guy I loved, and it feels he has taken my dream away. Because i'm not 'this' or 'that' and it feels horribly unfair.

I CAN be positive, but i'm very tired. Tired of being the one who never has it, tired of feeling a failure that i'm not reaching my goal. I tried with my ex, you can all see how much I wanted it to work out. When you're constantly not reaching this goal that everyone around you is, you do get demoralised and you do question whats wrong with you and then your self esteam keeps deminishing.
Heartbrokenandhurt is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 5:18 PM   #67
Established Member
 
heartbrokenlady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Asia
Posts: 244
I feel the same way. I've decided I'm going to see the doctor after Christmas. Not easy because 1) I'm not registered there yet. 2) I live in a foreign country where I don't speak the language. But I think sadness has tipped over into clinical depression.

I feel the pain too. I don't think I'm worthless but I feel worthless at the moment.
heartbrokenlady is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 5:27 PM   #68
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 4,346
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heartbrokenandhurt View Post
I've never had a loving relationship. I'm in my late twenties. All i've ever wanted from life was marriage and a family. I'm not even bothered about career. That was my goal in life and every year it just feels further and further away. Of course i'm sad all the time!! I found the guy I loved, and it feels he has taken my dream away. Because i'm not 'this' or 'that' and it feels horribly unfair.

I CAN be positive, but i'm very tired. Tired of being the one who never has it, tired of feeling a failure that i'm not reaching my goal. I tried with my ex, you can all see how much I wanted it to work out. When you're constantly not reaching this goal that everyone around you is, you do get demoralised and you do question whats wrong with you and then your self esteam keeps deminishing.
You can complain to me and I will certainly empathize, but I won't enable your self pity because I literally waited until I was in my early 40's until I found a truly wonderful, loving relationship. Before that, it was a series of bad first dates and very short term relationships. I watched all my friends and family get married and have children while wanting nothing more for myself...

It didn't happen. It just wasn't meant to be. Was I sad? Of course... I was completely heartbroken and depressed at times. But, at a certain point you have to accept that there are things you control and things you don't control... you have to make your peace with that. My life changed when I decided to let it go - why was I going to let the fact that I didn't have a man in my life make me unhappy and miserable? That's not the woman that I wanted to be! Life didn't go the way that I would have planned, but I decided to be happy anyway... I built a great career, I travelled the world, I loved my family and developed close friendships, and I decided to be the best auntie ever... My life has been rich and full and wonderful.

And then one day, I met the most wonderful man. I feel so blessed to have him in my life because it was literally, the one thing that was missing. But, that is just it... It was the ONE thing that was missing. The rest of my life was wonderful. If he left tomorrow, I would be heartbroken but it would not break me. Because, I know that I am more, and my life is more, than any relationship with a man.

Darling girl, cry a little and then focus on what you want for your life in the coming year. What brings you joy? What would make you happy? What do you have to do to make your life full, and rich, and wonderful so that when he comes along... It will simply be a bonus, because you have created a life that makes you happy and proud.

Last edited by BaileyB; 26th December 2017 at 5:33 PM..
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 5:40 PM   #69
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 8,001
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heartbrokenandhurt View Post
I've never had a loving relationship. I'm in my late twenties. All i've ever wanted from life was marriage and a family. I'm not even bothered about career. That was my goal in life and every year it just feels further and further away. Of course i'm sad all the time!! I found the guy I loved, and it feels he has taken my dream away. Because i'm not 'this' or 'that' and it feels horribly unfair.

I CAN be positive, but i'm very tired. Tired of being the one who never has it, tired of feeling a failure that i'm not reaching my goal. I tried with my ex, you can all see how much I wanted it to work out. When you're constantly not reaching this goal that everyone around you is, you do get demoralised and you do question whats wrong with you and then your self esteam keeps deminishing.
Goodness, no wonder you're miserable. You've set yourself goals which you cannot achieve without one particular person going along for the ride. It's not sustainable to have goals which involve a single other person. Why? Because you have no say in what others do. You may as well have a goal to move the sea.

The goals which can be reasonably achieved are ones which rely primarily on you. Education. Exercise. Self worth. Career. Mindfulness. A new skill. Etc. The things you want come AFTER you've achieved a well rounded life.

It's not horribly unfair that this one guy didn't want you. This stuff happens to ALL of us. We've all wanted people who don't feel the same about us. You don't get to have privileges which are denied to the rest of us. Again, you're back to a very entitled way of thinking.

I say this in the kindest way possible: Your entitled way of thinking is holding you back so much. Remind yourself that you're no different to the rest of us and are not exempt from the same heartaches we all suffer.

What you have to do now is come up with some goals which are actually achievable on your own.
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 6:01 PM   #70
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 3,151
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heartbrokenandhurt View Post
I CAN be positive, but i'm very tired. Tired of being the one who never has it, tired of feeling a failure that i'm not reaching my goal. I tried with my ex, you can all see how much I wanted it to work out. When you're constantly not reaching this goal that everyone around you is, you do get demoralised and you do question whats wrong with you and then your self esteam keeps deminishing.
I know this is very difficult . I've had friends in the same position. One just got married this year at age 46 for the first time. She struggled for years, but she absolutely did not let it define her and instead embraced all the things she could do that others could not (for her this was being an amazing mentor to the kids she taught and counseled). Her life was full before marriage, and it will be full after marriage. (As a side note she's the most devout Christian woman I know and her worth comes from her relationship with God, not a man).

My sister struggled with singleness for a long time and she was also sad and bitter at times. During that same time frame, I struggled with infertility and did not always handle it with grace. I wish I could go back in time and "do better." My sister who waited so long for a husband also struggled with infertility and someone else even carried her first baby for her.

Life is FULL of us not getting exactly what we want when we want it or getting what we do NOT want (infidelity, sickness, divorce, death, etc.). It's totally natural to want a marriage and family. But, a MAN or a CHILD is not going to meet all the needs you think they are going to. Furthermore, it isn't fair to expect them to and you will be wasting a lot of potential good days/months/years if that's all you're waiting for. Maybe this is one reason your relationships haven't worked out....maybe these men realized you were too dependent on them for your happiness and didn't love yourself like you should.

I hope you take everyone's advice and work on your self worth and self esteem first.....everything else will fall into place.
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 6:16 PM   #71
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 474
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heartbrokenandhurt View Post
... don't feel that will make much difference to this situation or my handling of it?
The purpose is to get you to think about yourself. You haven't answered the questions. You don't have to tell any of us. You can write them down on a sheet of paper for yourself but it's something that you need to do.

Your self-esteem is low and so is your confidence which makes your self-worth/respect minimal and it's dangerous because it means your susceptible to accepting crappy treatment into your life. The NUMBER ONE quality you cannot afford to lose in your life is your self-respect. We teach people how to treat us by the way we treat ourself and the way we treat ourself depends on the way we see ourself which is governed by our thoughts.

As you can see, you missed out on enjoying Christmas because of a situation that happened one year ago. You have family and you get to spend time with them. That is something you should have been grateful for but you were unable to feel it because of your negative train of thought. Our mind is powerful. We can actually alter it by practice of thought..be it good or bad. When you practice negative thinking like running yourself down and seeing yourself as worthless, your mind will alter itself to follow this train of thought. Likewise, if you practice positive thinking like acknowledging your strengths and how you've helped others, you'll rewire your brain to follow that path.

Right now, you have exercised your brain with unhealthy thinking for one whole year so now your mind just wants to sulk and wallow because it's completely used to this way of thinking and that has manifested itself into your behavior and into your way of life.

This is the equivalent of eating nothing but fastfood all year and becoming extremely unhealthy. To get back to form, you'd have to treat your body well by committing regularly to healthy eating habits and workouts for several months to a year. It takes time. It's slow. It's grueling. Sometimes you slip up and jam 5 cookies into your mouth when no one's looking but if you stay on path regardless, you will see the results. The result is what will change you both physically/mentally. It gives you new perspective. Make you realize that things are possible.

Strengthening your mind is the same. You have to exercise it with a positive lifestyle (Keep good company, strive to learn/experience more and better yourself) and feed it good thoughts everyday. Like training the body, you will slip up and fall back to old patterns of thinking but you will have to catch yourself and correct it and continue until the desired behavior becomes a part of who you are. Once you see the result..it'll change you OP. Believe me.

You need to start by understanding this.

Last edited by Beachead; 26th December 2017 at 6:26 PM..
Beachead is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 6:31 PM   #72
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 3,151
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beachead View Post
Our mind is powerful. We can actually alter it by practice of thought..be it good or bad. When you practice negative thinking like running yourself down and seeing yourself as worthless, your mind will alter itself to follow this train of thought. Likewise, if you practice positive thinking like acknowledging your strengths and how you've helped others, you'll rewire your brain to follow that path.
This is so true. It is possible change the neural pathways in our brains, especially with regard to the way we think. I've done it (with therapy). But, you have to want to do it. As another poster pointed out, you seem to want to stay miserable, which to me is an indication you are really unable to think through things clearly at this point and medication could help you get there. When I've been very depressed, this has been the case. Medication can sometimes (it's not for everyone!) help you get out of that negative spiral to a place where you are thinking about things more clearly. You're your own worst enemy right now.

But the key question is.....do you even want to feel better?
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 7:05 PM   #73
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 474
Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
This is so true. It is possible change the neural pathways in our brains, especially with regard to the way we think. I've done it (with therapy). But, you have to want to do it. As another poster pointed out, you seem to want to stay miserable, which to me is an indication you are really unable to think through things clearly at this point and medication could help you get there. When I've been very depressed, this has been the case. Medication can sometimes (it's not for everyone!) help you get out of that negative spiral to a place where you are thinking about things more clearly. You're your own worst enemy right now.

But the key question is.....do you even want to feel better?
Exactly. And that's the problem. I believe OP does want to feel better but is being seduced by her pain. I am sure we can all appreciate how easily it can lure us into an abyss. The way it wants to keep us bedridden. The way it makes us stop eating, working out or taking care of ourself because it just drains us of our physical energy. The way it just convinces our mind to give up. Like a warm, comforting blanket to shield us from the cold except it's not a warm comforting blanket..it's death.

Grieving is something that needs to happen and we should allow ourself to feel the pain but it's easy to get lost in the abyss. Too easy. That's why knowing who we are, knowing what we've been through and accomplished. Who we've helped. What we bring to the table...is so important. This is what will keep us from becoming lost. And the more we invest in ourself spiritually, socially, intellectually, physically, the more we arm ourself with all the tools we need to fight back. I always thought of this investment as life.

Last edited by Beachead; 26th December 2017 at 7:11 PM..
Beachead is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 7:33 PM   #74
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 3,151
The last man I dated is someone who truly feels that he could never be happy and fulfilled in life unless he's in a relationship/married. He's miserable when he's not in a relationship (at least a lot of the time). This is one of the reasons I do NOT want to date him. It's unattractive to me if a man is not having fun all on his own in life without needing a woman to complete him. I doubt it's much different for a lot of men.

If I had to choose between the one moping over not having a relationship and the one loving life and simply being open to a relationship, I'd choose the second one any day of the week.
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 8:05 PM   #75
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 186
I am reading each and every one of your posts. It is helping. But I still feel very unfullfilled. I don't want to wait till my 40s to have a serious relationship, and miss out on having a family. I already feel less than friends etc because I can't keep a boyfriend. Can you tell me honestly, why do you think your friends who were so single, single for so long? Were they not attractive enough?

Even just checking my phone makes me feel rejected. Its like i'm waiting/hoping for a message that will never come.
Heartbrokenandhurt is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Overwhelming gut feeling? Puller Breaks and Breaking Up 17 4th February 2016 9:49 PM
Pain of breakup still causing overwhelming despair RuinedLife Coping 8 6th August 2011 1:16 PM
Overwhelming guilt? nhoward The Other Man / Woman 18 11th May 2011 7:51 PM
Has anyone taken prescription meds to deal with overwhelming pain> RRyan65 Coping 10 9th December 2008 9:08 PM
Overwhelming guilt Guest Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 1 16th August 2006 11:11 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 9:44 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.