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Pain is overwhelming


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 25th December 2017, 8:24 PM   #46
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What made this particular man stand out so much from the rest?
It always just felt kinda right. It just flowed with him. He is confident, has a good sense of humour which is exactly like mine, caring, successful and ambitious. He said and did all the right things in the beginning, I fancied him so much. I just doubt I shall meet somebody with all these qualities again. He was perfect for me.
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Old 25th December 2017, 8:48 PM   #47
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It always just felt kinda right. It just flowed with him. He is confident, has a good sense of humour which is exactly like mine, caring, successful and ambitious. He said and did all the right things in the beginning, I fancied him so much. I just doubt I shall meet somebody with all these qualities again. He was perfect for me.
But he wasn't. You're in love with whom you wanted him to be. Not with who he actually was. And who he actually was is someone who was not compatible with you which is why he left. That's neither your fault nor his. That's just what is.

You've dated a lot of guys since then. That tells me that you are more than capable of attracting people on an emotional and physical level. In fact, I bet you never stopped to think that one of the guys that you've dated and brushed off talked to a pal of his and was probably saying something like "She was really cute and I liked her. I don't know why she didn't call me back. Wanted it to work out."

You don't see yourself like that. But others do.
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Old 25th December 2017, 9:05 PM   #48
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Heartbrokenandhurt, there's an answer for you that will heal you and that will make you the most loving person you can be. The answer isn't found in a man or even within yourself. It is found in Jesus Christ, and a deep relationship with Him through reading scripture and prayer. You will be amazed at how confident and at peace you will be with yourself, without depending on anyone else for happiness,

Sometimes I read posts like yours and don't write the above because very few people are open to being close with God. A lot of people would rather mock and many ignore the idea. Which is nuts because it's such a fulfilling way of life.

The Bible says, "Taste and see that the Lord is good." I promise you that if you do your life will change for the better! With God in your life, yes, you'll have disappointments. But, you will never be alone and He will make your mind believe life is well worth living, in fact, you will find life is dynamic and exciting as you grow more deeply into a relationship with Him. Sending you hugs and best wishes!
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Old 25th December 2017, 9:27 PM   #49
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Heartbrokenandhurt, there's an answer for you that will heal you and that will make you the most loving person you can be. The answer isn't found in a man or even within yourself. It is found in Jesus Christ, and a deep relationship with Him through reading scripture and prayer. You will be amazed at how confident and at peace you will be with yourself, without depending on anyone else for happiness,

Sometimes I read posts like yours and don't write the above because very few people are open to being close with God. A lot of people would rather mock and many ignore the idea. Which is nuts because it's such a fulfilling way of life.

The Bible says, "Taste and see that the Lord is good." I promise you that if you do your life will change for the better! With God in your life, yes, you'll have disappointments. But, you will never be alone and He will make your mind believe life is well worth living, in fact, you will find life is dynamic and exciting as you grow more deeply into a relationship with Him. Sending you hugs and best wishes!
I'm not gonna preach, but if this is something OP (or anyone) is willing to embrace, I highly recommend Beth Moore's book/study called So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us.
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Old 25th December 2017, 9:47 PM   #50
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It always just felt kinda right. It just flowed with him. He is confident, has a good sense of humour which is exactly like mine, caring, successful and ambitious. He said and did all the right things in the beginning, I fancied him so much. I just doubt I shall meet somebody with all these qualities again. He was perfect for me.
He might have been all these things in the beginning. But by the end, you saw the real him. And you didn't like the real him and so you picked fights with him. Is this really what you want to go back to?

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I only wanted that one person though. Why is it so much to ask for in life?
You wrote this in the beginning of the thread. I'm not sure if you realise, but this is definition of entitled thinking. All of us really want things at different points in our lives, but it doesn't mean we will or should get that thing. So yes, getting something because we really want it IS too much to ask in life.
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:39 AM   #51
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I'm not gonna preach, but if this is something OP (or anyone) is willing to embrace, I highly recommend Beth Moore's book/study called So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us.

Sounds great, CO! I haven't read the book/study but I'm familiar with Beth Moore and have been in a couple of her studies.
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Old 26th December 2017, 2:32 AM   #52
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But he wasn't. You're in love with whom you wanted him to be. Not with who he actually was. And who he actually was is someone who was not compatible with you which is why he left. That's neither your fault nor his. That's just what is.

You've dated a lot of guys since then. That tells me that you are more than capable of attracting people on an emotional and physical level. In fact, I bet you never stopped to think that one of the guys that you've dated and brushed off talked to a pal of his and was probably saying something like "She was really cute and I liked her. I don't know why she didn't call me back. Wanted it to work out."

You don't see yourself like that. But others do.
Is it not just because of me though? Would the nice gestures and effort of continued had he liked me enough?

Woke up this morning with the usual replaying of hurtful moments of the breakup. This is a living hell. Every. Single. Day.
I need real love to recover from this. Atm I truly don't think I can be deserving. He didn't even remember me at Christmas!!
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Old 26th December 2017, 6:11 AM   #53
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Is it not just because of me though? Would the nice gestures and effort of continued had he liked me enough?

,<snip>

I need real love to recover from this. Atm I truly don't think I can be deserving. He didn't even remember me at Christmas!!
Yes, his gestures might have continued if you were Ms Right. But you weren't Ms Right for this guy. And back when you broke up, he clearly wasn't Mr Right for you either. I really can't understand why you're so hung up on a guy who wasn't meeting your needs.

You don't need someone else's love to recover from this. What you need is self worth. And this is something only you can give yourself.

While I wouldn't say you're not "deserving" of love, you're certainly not in a place to receive love at present. How on earth would it be fair for you to use a man's love to get over another a past heartbreak? That was a rhetorical question. It would not be fair at all. Using another man's love to recover from this would be a hateful thing for you to do. Yes, I've put it bluntly, but using a man is exactly what you're proposing.

And even if you do find another love what will you do when that love ends? Find yet another guy who's love you can use? Let's face it, almost all of us have many loves before we find the one. The secret to coming back after heartbreak is self worth. It's resilience. It's knowing that you're perfectly good as you are.
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Old 26th December 2017, 9:21 AM   #54
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I didn't do anything wrong, I don't feel I deserve to cast off as 'not Ms Right'.

I was single for 5 long years before him. That period of time was where my self esteam issues came from. All my friends being taken out, spoiled on their birthdays, someone who loved them... I never had that. I was always the 'single one'.

Then I met him, I thought 'Finally all those years of suffering were because I was waiting for you!'. I hadn't felt that way about a guy before. And then... it feels like it was cruelly taken away from me. All my hopes and dreams that had felt they were going to be true, were a fluke.

I don't want another 5 years not feeling good enough for a decent man. I'd rather die.
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Old 26th December 2017, 10:22 AM   #55
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Originally Posted by Heartbrokenandhurt View Post
Is it not just because of me though? Would the nice gestures and effort of continued had he liked me enough?

Woke up this morning with the usual replaying of hurtful moments of the breakup. This is a living hell. Every. Single. Day.
I need real love to recover from this. Atm I truly don't think I can be deserving. He didn't even remember me at Christmas!!
How would it have helped if he'd "remembered" you at Christmas? You're broken up. You are falsely believing that the only way you're going to be happy for the rest of your life is if he wants you back. It's simply not true, but you are refusing to be open to the idea of believing it.
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Old 26th December 2017, 10:35 AM   #56
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Heartbrokenandhurt

I get it. You are profoundly lonely & you don't understand why what seems so effortless for others hasn't happened for you.

The problem is you are looking for self esteem outside of yourself. You say you want your EX to fix it. When you got together with him you thought he was the answer to your 5 year drought. You also think that being loved by somebody else will complete you. It won't.

The only way for you to recover from this & to find true love is to love yourself. You have to be balanced & at peace within your own soul to be whole. You have to be whole to attract the healthy lasting relationship you want.

Have you considered that it wasn't that you weren't good enough for him but that he left because you were too good for him?

It really wasn't about somebody not being good enough. It was simply about incompatibility. Think of it as a puzzle. When you put the puzzle together you have to connect the pieces that fit. You can't just put any 2 pieces together; you won't get the puzzle put together correctly.
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Old 26th December 2017, 10:36 AM   #57
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I didn't do anything wrong, I don't feel I deserve to cast off as 'not Ms Right'.

I was single for 5 long years before him. That period of time was where my self esteam issues came from. All my friends being taken out, spoiled on their birthdays, someone who loved them... I never had that. I was always the 'single one'.

Then I met him, I thought 'Finally all those years of suffering were because I was waiting for you!'. I hadn't felt that way about a guy before. And then... it feels like it was cruelly taken away from me. All my hopes and dreams that had felt they were going to be true, were a fluke.

I don't want another 5 years not feeling good enough for a decent man. I'd rather die.
So this is your second relationship. Who was the first guy? Tell me about him. How was the relationship and why did it end?

Last edited by Beachead; 26th December 2017 at 10:40 AM..
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Old 26th December 2017, 1:57 PM   #58
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It was short term again. Same scenario. He really liked me to begin with and then lost interest. Stopped doing all the nice gestures, I got upset and ended it. He wasn't that bothered, he moved on in a few months. He was more offended that he'd been dumped than upset over losing me. He told a mutual friend it 'ran its course' but it had barely any time to start!
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Old 26th December 2017, 2:28 PM   #59
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Okay. Can you do me a favor?

1.Tell me 4 things you like about yourself or are good at.
2.Tell me a time you helped someone.
3.Tell me something nice that someone said about you be it a friend, acquaintance, family member, boyfriend..anyone.
4. Tell me about a proud moment in your life.

I want to know

Last edited by Beachead; 26th December 2017 at 2:38 PM..
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Old 26th December 2017, 3:05 PM   #60
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... don't feel that will make much difference to this situation or my handling of it?
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