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Did my last relationship "break" me?


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 14th December 2017, 4:24 PM   #1
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Did my last relationship "break" me?

Ok, so it has been a little over a month since my breakup with a girlfriend of three months (the full drama story can be found here: Compulsive liar asked me to marry her while cheating the whole time???).

While it was only three months and I normally bounce back quickly from breakups, this time is much different. Now keep in mind I am 39 years old and have been through plenty of relationships in my days, the longest lasting approximately seven years. Anyway, even though this last relationship only lasted three months, it seems like I am still messed up emotionally.

I have gone on a few dates within the past week, but I don't feel anything for any of them. I have become friends with one, and I am most definitely physically/sexually attracted to them, but I'm not "feeling" anything for any of them beyond friendship. One of them I know very well I was definitely compatible with, yet I still didn't have any emotional feelings there beyond just being friendly.

Considering I have never dealt with anything like this breakup before, I'm not sure how to take it? I think my last girlfriend really messed me up because of the games she played. I don't want her back in the least bit after what she did to me, but I know I'm still messed up emotionally because of it. I still don't understand how someone could ask you to marry them, yet they are cheating on you with multiple other people. Emotionally, I simply couldn't ever do that. I know she cared to some extent, as she would look through my phone when I wasn't around and would get extremely jealous of other women at times. However, it just doesn't make sense to me that she cared enough about me to want me all to herself, yet didn't care enough to stay faithful to me when I treated her like a princess.

I'm thinking at this point, my subconscious may be making me feel this way as a defense mechanism, but it has never happened to me before. I'm used to going on a date and either I do "feel it," or I don't "feel it." Now, it's almost like I'm just numb and don't feel much of anything. I can connect with them in a friendly way, but not in an emotional way.

Probably best for me to just focus on friendships and myself at this point, right? I'm just confused, as since I have never felt like this after a breakup before, I'm not sure how to most constructively move past it? I guess I'm just a bit concerned that this girl "broke" me in a way I have never dealt with before and just not sure how to process it and move past it?
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Old 14th December 2017, 5:53 PM   #2
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Its only been a month man. Maybe you are still a little emotionally raw from the love bombing she gave you. I am sure with a bit more time, you will be back to the old you and ready to date again. Dont force things if you are not ready.
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Old 18th December 2017, 3:31 AM   #3
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Not all relationships are the same and I absolutely understand where you’re coming from feeling that this last relationship “broke” you.

Something similar happened to me. I think for me it was trying to process several feelings all at once.


For example, I have never been cheated on until this last relationship. Add to that the simple fact that she gave me so much affection, I was left with feelings that I had never felt before. It felt as though someone had poured a bucket of emotions over my head and asked me to unpack that tangled web of emotions.


The dating part, too. That sounds familiar. You’re still grieving. You might feel some distrust or have some hesitation about giving your trust to another person again. Then there are feelings of self-doubt stemming from the love she showed you and her opposite actions.


I don’t know how you are “built” so to speak. But if I could go back in time I would have waited longer before I started dating again, because two things happened, every time a date didn’t go well, I’d go back to missing my ex.
The second thing that happened was that I was looking at those women and interacting with them when my head was in a foggy state of mind, still trying to process what happened.


As a result, it prolonged my healing process and made me bitter.


Again, I don’t know what you’re like, how you process things and deal with them, but if it was me, I would have waited longer before dating again.
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Old 18th December 2017, 3:36 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trustyourself View Post
Its only been a month man. Maybe you are still a little emotionally raw from the love bombing she gave you. I am sure with a bit more time, you will be back to the old you and ready to date again. Dont force things if you are not ready.

I can relate to this. My last relationship was so intense in such a small amount of time. I didn't know what love bombing was until I met my ex; she f*cking told me she loved me after the 2nd week of going out.... Still working on getting over her.
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Old 18th December 2017, 4:37 AM   #5
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It can, i have the same feeling. It's been three month since we broke up but anything is still the same for me and i made my mind.

I did move on but i can't see myself with another woman, today, tomorrow or never.

I'm not saying i will not date anyone but i can't see myself commiting again with all my heart to anyone, let another wife take some vows towards me, it all seems bull**** to me today.

The trauma is here and i really don't know if someday, i will get through it.

I know, everyone are not compulsive liar, cheater ... But if i meet another one ? My wife wasn't one too when i meet her, she was the most kind woman i'd ever met, so the risk seems to big, i can't feel again those same feelings, emptyness, feel like i was a crap, crying, not eating during month...

I prefer to protect myself so from this day, this will be a lonely road for me.

I guess some people can change you forever and you just have to live with it.

Best of luck to heal, this is a pretty long road.

This is not all dark for me, i'm a better father now, i know what i want to do in my life, my self confidence is back and i'm trying my best to construct a good futur for the kids and myself.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 9:58 PM   #6
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Hi,

I don't really have any advice for you, but I wanted to tell you that I found this thread helpful. Helpful because I am in a similar situation; I feel like I've been 'broken' too, and can't see myself with anyone ever again, either - it's helpful to know I'm not alone in feeling like this.

xx
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Old 23rd December 2017, 5:31 AM   #7
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There is nothing wrong with waiting till you're emotionally stable before imoosing yourself on others! Nah, seriously, what i really mean is to take the time to process most of it for your own sake, as well as the sake of a poor, unsuspecting victim! It really isn't fair to expose others to your angst, either directly or indirectly, as a result of YOUR unresolved issues, but many people do it.

I was in a similiar position to you, and although cautious now, i'm at a point where i would be honest with a potential suitor.. Eg, "i want to take my time. Just letting you know i've been burned in the past, not very long ago, but am ready to date, am interested in you, but i need to feel safe before i proceed with anything further".

If they run, then i know they're not for me. If somebody did this with me, i'd respect them 100%.

Take the time to heal. It is not fair on you, or the other person if you rebound.

Good luck in your healing
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Old 30th December 2017, 11:21 PM   #8
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I feel the same
Doesnt matter how cool, attractive etc the guy seems I just can't see my self brewing those feelings again and I just dont feel an interest to either.

:/

Lets just be patient and work on ourselves towards recovery
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Old 31st December 2017, 2:37 AM   #9
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