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Does the first one always hurt like a B!^!%@


PuffyShirt

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PuffyShirt

I'll try to keep this short as I'm not sure really what i'm looking for in terms of support.

This girl was my first real relationship, sex, everything at my mid 20's, i know very late but i guess i never found someone good enough until her. The relationship started fast and we really got along as friends, shared friends and we got along great together, never had a fight. We moved in after one year for "convinience". I know that is a bad reason but it kinda worked out. After the second year I bought a house, emphasis on I, and she helped me fix it up but didn't put money in (one of my many mistakes, but i wasnt sure if this girl was the one at the time). Anywho early this year we were kinda fading out in the passion and eventually i asked her one day if she wants to break up because we just werent having any fun. Funny thing was that i didn't want to and she basically said yes. We lived together one month while she found a place to move out to. Ok so i was a mess. Worst time of my life. I was hurt badly because i didn't realize how much i cared for this girl. I felt like i got stomped hard, went through all emotions which you all know about. After she moved out we did a few things together but it only lasted a few days because i was still damaged goods and i would want her back and she just wanted to be friends. Tried this a few times with the same results. I asked her for no concact and that didn't work. Tried the friends thing again but again i wanted her back and it blew up again. So claims she is a mess, i believe her, and is depressed and says she loves me and misses me. I am quite down on myself, afraid i might become depressed.

 

Last thing. She says the reason she broke it off was because i wasn't romantic enought... like i didn't make her feel special. I admitted to her i made many mistaked, it was my first relatioship. I really tried after i realized this to make her feel special but still she says something is missing. I don't know what to do... I dont want this to happen again so i'm going back to my shell for a long time. Or should i try to win her back??? I would love another shot I just don't know if i'm wasting my time??????

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its up to you if you want her back. it fell apart because you lived together, thats a big part of what happend to me in my relationship i belive/know. when you see that person everyday you cant be all kissy face because you dont miss them at all. when peopel get married i believe they dont need all that crap to make them feel special becuase they are mature.

 

me and my ex were sooo in love before we went to college together. i believ its because we had our space. i had my time, she had her time, we had time to miss eachother. so when we saw eachother we would be all over eachother. it was a real treat to sleep togehter. then we moved to school and sleeped in the same bed for 6 months at age 20. it burned up the relationship, we didnt have anything to miss. she was questioning me on why i dont do the same things i did before like kiss her when i went to bed and stuff, romantic things like that. i told her that after you date someone for a long time that stuff fades away, i didnt really think about the space thing at that time. i didnt really undersatnd for a while, then figured out it was becuase we didnt have any space apartto miss one another. im pretty shure i can be sick of any single person in the world if i hang out with them every day, best friends, parents, anybody.

 

thats probably what burned your relationship. perhaps you could explain that to her. now that you guys have your space apart you want her soo bad. see. maby you say that, or maby its better off not to say anything. everyone on here is going to tell you not to talk to her and do the whole NC thing. which might be best to let yourself heal, it might even bring her back.give her something to miss. if you nag her about it it will push her away

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FiguringitoutinFL

YES, IT HURTS LIKE A MOFO!!! But the bright side is that it gets better over time. I too am in my mid 20s and just had my ex-fiancee leave me after 4.5 years together. We broke up in Jan and I thought my life was over especially when I would hear things about her dating new people, going out and getting drunk, and even her new bf.

 

The bright side is that I lost the 80 pounds I gained while I was with her, completed an international internship, traveled Europe, moved in with my best friend (awesome bachelor pad), and have been dating a new girl that fits me much better than she did.

 

I tried the No Contact thing which works really well AFTER letting her know your feelings. I tried it before telling her how I felt and it only made me feel worse.

 

What also helped me is remembering that this happens to A LOT of people and you are not alone. This website really helped me get through some of the tough times, misery loves company.

 

So stay strong, I feel your pain brother!

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I tried the No Contact thing which works really well AFTER letting her know your feelings. I tried it before telling her how I felt and it only made me feel worse.

 

how did you tell her how you felt? i really wanted to tell my exbf how i felt. but he just refused to talk to me. he said there was nothing to say. adn i needed it to move on. but he wasnt willing to give it to me.

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FiguringitoutinFL

I basically told her that I felt betrayed that she left me and that I wished we had ended our relationship more positively (she was very immature in the way she broke it off, for example she wont give me back my engagement ring). I sent it to her in an email and she did read it and responded to me negatively with an IM, but it gave me the closure that I needed. Whether she responded to me or not was not important to me, the fact that I got off my chest how I felt was.

 

I am sorry that your ex is doing that to you, but maybe you should still write down your feelings anyway and not send it. A lot of the advice columns say to do that, but I felt greater satisfaction sending it :) .

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we also ended it a little messy and i felt i had so much i wanted to say.

 

i called and he refused to meet me. i just felt the need to end things positivly since we will see each other in the future (school, projects, etc) and he said tehre was nothing to say.

 

now im just trying to move on, but what do you think, should i send him and email?

or jsut move on since he was not even willing to talk to me after a ten month relationship?

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FiguringitoutinFL

That is a difficult situation especially when he is emphatic about not wanting to talk to you. Maybe it might be a good idea to give it some time and let things cool down a bit before sending him an email (I didn't do it until about four months after our break up). By trying to talk to him so soon, he may see that as a plea to get back together, besides by then it might not matter to you anymore.

 

I know that is hard, and you will get through this, just give it some time.

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PuffyShirt
Originally posted by rastafari

. everyone on here is going to tell you not to talk to her and do the whole NC thing. which might be best to let yourself heal, it might even bring her back.give her something to miss. if you nag her about it it will push her away

 

Thanks for the advice. Actually i am doing the NC thing. I started a week ago and actually it has been her that keeps contacting me not the other way around. This is very confusing because its like we can't be together and we can't be apart. We still miss each other alot. I guess the part i'm having problems with is the hope of me getting back together with her. I want to, i hope so but then i realize later that it probably wont happen and that is devastating. We have had many talks where we pour our hearts out and it doesnt do any good as nothing changes. She claims a big part she did it was for her own reasons, to become independant, which i respect alot but i didn't know that also meant dumpsville for me. I just wish i could know if this was something i should pursue again later or am I just going to get hurt all over again.

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Umm.... both of your are acting a bit immature...

 

From what I gather... you both care for each other... LOVE each other... and in some ways want each other........ but the external pressures of needing to grow up (I don't know why people have this I NEED TO DO IT... NOW.. NOW NOW.... mindset these days... I thought growing up just happened..... but that's the topic of another thread)......

 

I think you should sit down and talk to her...... both... honestly... as mature as possible..... and discuss EXACTLY what she has on her mind as for why things are getting the way the are... and why you think. When people really love each other... really really really meant to be love... they don't get sick of each other... at all......... in fact they need to know how the other person is feeling/doing all the time.......

 

As for romanticism/being romantic....... that just happens....... there's no way to be proactively romatic..... nope... impossible. And being romantic is a by product of wanting to be with the person.

 

I honestly think.. and given what happened to me an my relationship... that you shouldn't let it die that easily.... you shouldn't let it just fade away.... cause now that I think/feel about it... man... it really hurts..... i feel as though I failed not only her by myself as well. So like I said.. sit down with her..... take a walk with her.... talk to her.... tell her.. "I this.. I that.. I feel this.. I think that... I don't know if... " Make sure it's I.. I.. I...... don't ever ever ever use "You this.. You always that.. You never".. nope that won't work. And in fact, she's more than likely to do it to you... but don't get frustrated.. just keep in mind that she's opening herself up.... leaving herself completely open/vulnerable.

 

I think you guys love each other... and are now faced with the grand challenge of FOREVER......... and FOREVER isn't easy.

 

And she wont' give you back your engagement ring because she doesn't want it die.... she's just a bit confused. I mean.. imagine if she came up to you and said "You wanna call it quits....." out of the blue.. how would that make you feel??? And no.... she hasn't betrayed you because she quit... nope.. that's not her fault.. that's yours...... so don't feel that way.

 

Goodluck.... and keep your mind open.

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FiguringitoutinFL

"Umm.... both of your are acting a bit immature..."

 

To whom are you referring to? Myself or Puffy Shirt the one who originally posted this question? Are you that easy to pass judgment so quickly?

 

"I think you should sit down and talk to her...... both... honestly... as mature as possible..... and discuss EXACTLY what she has on her mind as for why things are getting the way the are... and why you think. When people really love each other... really really really meant to be love... they don't get sick of each other... at all......... in fact they need to know how the other person is feeling/doing all the time.......

 

I honestly think.. and given what happened to me an my relationship... that you shouldn't let it die that easily.... you shouldn't let it just fade away.... cause now that I think/feel about it... man... it really hurts..... i feel as though I failed not only her by myself as well. So like I said.. sit down with her..... take a walk with her.... talk to her.... tell her.. "I this.. I that.. I feel this.. I think that... I don't know if... " Make sure it's I.. I.. I...... don't ever ever ever use "You this.. You always that.. You never".. nope that won't work. And in fact, she's more than likely to do it to you... but don't get frustrated.. just keep in mind that she's opening herself up.... leaving herself completely open/vulnerable. "

 

While I understand what you are saying, I am talking about praticallity. It makes it difficult in some situations where the other person is not interested in hearing about what you have to say, for example em88's situation. Not every situation is the same, nor is it worth fighting for when the other party has no interest or is giving mixed messages. At that point I see it to be more beneficial to start healing ones self. Life is too short.

 

"And she wont' give you back your engagement ring because she doesn't want it die.... she's just a bit confused. I mean.. imagine if she came up to you and said "You wanna call it quits....." out of the blue.. how would that make you feel??? And no.... she hasn't betrayed you because she quit... nope.. that's not her fault.. that's yours...... so don't feel that way."

 

Here you are referring to me, I can sit here all day long and hypothesize about what she was really thinking or why she kept my engagement ring, but it does me no good. I'll tell you exactly how it felt, I felt betrayed and hurt which is a normal feeling when someone that has promised to love you forever no longer wants to be with you anymore. I am a strong believer that if it was meant to be then we can "take that walk and discuss our feelings", until then I need to move on with my life (like many others) and not count on that fantasy to happen.

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Holly smokes... I clumped the two stories together... hold on a minute.. lemme re-read these again......

 

Okay.. Okay... I understand....

 

Puffy shirt... aside from the engagement ring.. I think you guys have a chance....

 

FiguringitoutinFL......... I think your doing what you should be........ turn the cheek and be the better man that you've become. Keep it up!

 

 

Sorry was a bit confused there.

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