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Breakup gone terribly wrong... trying to pick up the pieces


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 7th November 2017, 11:11 AM   #1
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Breakup gone terribly wrong... trying to pick up the pieces

I dated a guy for 7 months. The last 4 months we were on again off again. He'd try to break up with me but never really did it and would always come back. In the meantime I pretended I was fine with "friends with benefits," but he confused me by calling us a relationship and treating me like a girlfriend.

He struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. He drank too much, so did I. He was planning on moving states.. we should have ended it MONTHS ago but neither one of us could. It was intense. We both agreed we'd never had an emotional connection with the opposite sex like this. In retrospect, I think we were codependent.

Anyhow - finally it ended, and it was a relief. He ended it on the phone and I said ok. But then, 3 weeks later, I made the mistake of accusing him of cheating on me when I saw something online. He LOST it, texted me some horrible things and told me to never talk to him again.

A few days later he texted me again to tell me he never cheated on me and proceeded to inform me that since our breakup he's been arrested for drunk driving and ended up in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. It was a pretty mellow convo that ended amicably. I told him I agreed our relationship was a mess and that he did the right thing by ending it.

Unfortunately 2 days later I saw an old Facebook message from him which was originally a response to my cheating accusation. In it he accused me of giving mixed signals our whole relationship and that he only stayed with me because I guilted him in to it. Ugh, I texted him and very calmly said it hurt to read that, and apologized for keeping him in an unhappy relationship. He called me and started yelling at me for bringing this all up again. I agreed, said I was having a hard time letting this go... that I understood I was acting irrationally but that I was struggling. He calmed down a bit and said it was an emotionally charged response and that he never would have spent so much time and energy on someone he didn't have feelings for.

We proceeded to have a quick convo about our lives after the breakup, his move, the alcohol troubles... He asked if I wanted him to return a gift I'd given him, I said no... it was best we don't see each other again and he should keep it. We ended it with goodbyes. He told me "All is forgiven," as though I'd been the only one to make mistakes.

So.. it was ugly. A hot mess. I turned into the crazy ex that wouldn't let it go. I'm planning on getting into therapy to address some of this. I'm really just typing this all out to get it off my chest. I hate that something that started out so beautifully degraded into something so messy. Why did I behave this way? I'm not sure. I'm struggling SO MUCH with the idea that he stayed with me out of pity. How will I know the next guy won't do that too? I'm drinking too much now and am unhappy most of the time. I think about him constantly, even though I don't want to be with him.

This is a sad post.. sorry. I just want to get it off my chest. My friends see me as this strong independent single woman and I just can't bring myself to tell them all this. Thank you Internet strangers for reading my tale.
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Old 8th November 2017, 7:30 AM   #2
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He stayed with you because he wanted to be with you. He said he stayed out of pity because in the throws of the break up he wanted to hurt you.

Do get some therapy but when you get back out there to date, do not assume every guy is like him. Be confident in your choices & try to have fun.
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Old 8th November 2017, 10:02 AM   #3
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He stayed with you because he wanted to be with you. He said he stayed out of pity because in the throws of the break up he wanted to hurt you.

Do get some therapy but when you get back out there to date, do not assume every guy is like him. Be confident in your choices & try to have fun.
Thank you kind person.

His words were probably the cruelest thing anyone I cared about has ever said to me. They ring in my ears and it's hard to forget. I'm angry with him and myself. 7 months ago I was fit, happy, and secure. Now I've gained 20 pounds, I drink and do drugs, and I'm unhappy. I don't blame him, I blame myself.. well okay, part of me blames him. He dragged me into his depressive world and then says he did it out of guilt? Hmph!

And even now, when our tie has been severed, I still worry about him. He's already almost killed himself once with alcohol, I hope he doesn't do it again.

Anyways I am promising myself I will look forward and begin to love myself. I've never experienced such an ugly, emotional relationship AND breakup.

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Old 8th November 2017, 12:27 PM   #4
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Although it was a short relationship there was a lot of drama involved on his end. I definitely think he has some issues that he has to figure out and that this was a genuine "its not you, its me situation". So don't take it badly that he dumped you. But you cannot wait to see if he figures out his problems.

The key word being "if"

Good luck to you, heal and you will find a better more stable love.
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Old 8th November 2017, 2:22 PM   #5
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Although it was a short relationship there was a lot of drama involved on his end. I definitely think he has some issues that he has to figure out and that this was a genuine "its not you, its me situation". So don't take it badly that he dumped you. But you cannot wait to see if he figures out his problems.

The key word being "if"

Good luck to you, heal and you will find a better more stable love.
Oh I do NOT want to get back together with him, that's not my struggle here. Granted.. yeah, I do miss him. I do WANT to be with him, I think he's an incredible person when he's at his best, but our relationship was a nightmare. I wanted to end it all the time but I kept hoping it would get better if I just stuck it out. It didn't. I now understand why in the last 6 years of his dating experience our 6 month "relationship" has been his longest.

I just hate the idea that he was with me out of pity. It makes me feel dirty. Why do people say such mean horrible things to someone they supposedly cared about? I never said ANYTHING mean to him... I thought about it, I did, but I didn't.

He won't fix his problems, which makes me so sad. He's in such denial about everything. All of his life problems were always the result of someone else's wrong doing. He was never wrong. He never apologized for anything. I hope he does seek help eventually, but I won't hold my breath.

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Old 8th November 2017, 7:06 PM   #6
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Wow, for a moment I could have sworn you were talking about my ex. Your situation sounds so similar. My ex also suffers from severe depression and is an alcoholic. His addiction to it almost killed him a couple times now and he's had to be hospitalized. He also always blames his problems on somebody else. It's never his fault. He even blamed the relationship ending on me even though he was the one who lied constantly and cheated with multiple women. Our relationship also only lasted 6-7 months. I too wanted to end it several times, but couldn't. I worried about him too much with his alcohol issues. Also, when he was sober and at his best things were so magical. Never in my life had a connection like I did with him.

Anyway, just wanted to say I can relate. You deserve so much better.
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Old 8th November 2017, 7:45 PM   #7
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Wow, for a moment I could have sworn you were talking about my ex. Your situation sounds so similar. My ex also suffers from severe depression and is an alcoholic. His addiction to it almost killed him a couple times now and he's had to be hospitalized. He also always blames his problems on somebody else. It's never his fault. He even blamed the relationship ending on me even though he was the one who lied constantly and cheated with multiple women. Our relationship also only lasted 6-7 months. I too wanted to end it several times, but couldn't. I worried about him too much with his alcohol issues. Also, when he was sober and at his best things were so magical. Never in my life had a connection like I did with him.

Anyway, just wanted to say I can relate. You deserve so much better.
Right?? It's awful. When it was good it was GOOD, but when it was bad I was miserable. There's a quote from Bojack Horseman that I really like - "When you're wearing rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like... flags." And that's exactly what happened with this relationship.

But yes, he spoke frequently of all of his relationships (which were <4 months) and looking back I realize that every single one of them he blamed the girl. He never did anything wrong. I mean... even after the DUI and the alcohol poisoning he still didn't think it was a big deal. He told me he's just "limiting himself to 2 beers a day." Oh boy.

How did you get over it?

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Old 8th November 2017, 8:29 PM   #8
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Right?? It's awful. When it was good it was GOOD, but when it was bad I was miserable. There's a quote from Bojack Horseman that I really like - "When you're wearing rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like... flags." And that's exactly what happened with this relationship.

But yes, he spoke frequently of all of his relationships (which were <4 months) and looking back I realize that every single one of them he blamed the girl. He never did anything wrong. I mean... even after the DUI and the alcohol poisoning he still didn't think it was a big deal. He told me he's just "limiting himself to 2 beers a day." Oh boy.

How did you get over it?
How did I get over it? I'm not over it. Not by a long shot. Things just ended with us the end of October so my feelings are still very raw. My emotions are all over the place. Still think about him a million times a day. I wrestle between feeling sad and feeling angry. I miss him...the sober, sweet, loving, charming him. I don't miss the lying, cheating, the drunken outbursts. It's hard because I still care about him deeply. Despite being hurt by him, I don't want to see him drink himself to death. I fear that's where he's headed and it kills me. But I can't worry about that. I just pray every night that he is safe and will take care of himself and find happiness. I pray that I will be able to move forward and get past this pain. I'm just taking it one day at a time. That's all we can really do. Time will eventually heal and hopefully there will be a better tomorrow...
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Old 8th November 2017, 9:04 PM   #9
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How did I get over it? I'm not over it. Not by a long shot. Things just ended with us the end of October so my feelings are still very raw. My emotions are all over the place. Still think about him a million times a day. I wrestle between feeling sad and feeling angry. I miss him...the sober, sweet, loving, charming him. I don't miss the lying, cheating, the drunken outbursts. It's hard because I still care about him deeply. Despite being hurt by him, I don't want to see him drink himself to death. I fear that's where he's headed and it kills me. But I can't worry about that. I just pray every night that he is safe and will take care of himself and find happiness. I pray that I will be able to move forward and get past this pain. I'm just taking it one day at a time. That's all we can really do. Time will eventually heal and hopefully there will be a better tomorrow...
Agreed. I vacillate between hurt, sad, angry, and relieved. I think what really gets me is in his text/message to me where he said all those nasty things he also said "I thought maybe in a while we could start talking again but now.. no, never." So of course I'm like "Damnit, we had a chance!" and immediately after I'm like "Respect yourself girl, you should want nothing to do with him anymore." Granted, we had a relatively respectable phone call after all this but still... never once did he actually apologize for saying something so cruel.

Time will give us better perspective. I'm focusing now on the typical things a dumpee does - eating better, exercising, and practicing self love. I'm also going to see a therapist tomorrow. Baby steps Cora.
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Old 9th November 2017, 7:42 PM   #10
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You're on the right track

Hi Converoma! There is no need to apologize about posting a “sad post”. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this part of your journey with us. I want to applaud you (and you should applaud yourself!) on recognizing the need and value in therapy. I pray the first counselor you connect with is the right one for you, but don’t give up on working through this! They will be able to help you discover the answers to those questions of what happened and how did it end up going the way it did. You are making some good steps in the right direction. It will just take time to heal and extend grace to yourself during that time.
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