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I have caused myself heartache again...


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 23rd October 2017, 10:04 PM   #1
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I have caused myself heartache again...

Not sure if you guys remember my most current story. Anyway, I did something I knew I shouldn't have and things ended badly. I guess I just needed to vent.

So the guy who ghosted me several months ago for another girl had recently entered back into my life and I stupidly gave him another chance. Things were going well for the most part. He then asked me to be exclusive with him and I agreed.

I did not find out until this time around that he suffers from alcoholism. He's struggled a great deal with this, to the point where he's almost killed himself a couple times. I will also say that he struggles with ptsd, anxiety and depression from his prior service in the military. He actually had to retire early due to the state of his mental health and this still haunts him. He constantly beats himself up over it. He blames his drinking on this. It's a vicious cycle for him.

Backing up a bit to when he first reached out to me after he ghosted me months prior. I was very hurt and figured I'd never hear from him again. I had began to move forward with my life. Then he reaches out and I'm taken by surprise. I initially felt bad for him and told myself I was only going to be there for him as a friend to help him through his struggles with alcohol. I told myself I wouldn't allow my feelings to get in the way, but we all know that never works and things don't go as planned. The more time I spend with him (which was practically daily) the more I began to fall for him.

His daily struggles with alcohol really took its toll on me. He started out doing so well. Got rid of all the liquor and beer in his place, was attending all his AA meetings....even asked me to attend some with him. He remained sober for a good two weeks before he relapsed. It was so difficult for me to see him put in so much hard work, make so much progress only to have it all go to waste. I supported him as much as I could, but it obviously wasn't enough. It hurt me to watch him go up and down with this battle. He opened up to me quite a bit about his abusive, alcoholic father, failed relationships, time in the military, depression etc. We became really close and felt like we could tell each other anything.

Things started to go even more downhill one day when I wasn't able to come over when I said I would. He got extremely upset. I had never seen this side of him. He started yelling and got very verbally abusive and calling me names etc. He was drinking at the time too. I left his place in tears. He later appologized and things got back to a good place again even though I never looked at him quite the same again. I knew he was struggling though. He told me that he sometimes has these flashbacks to his time in the military which was what happened the night he yelled at me.

Anyway, fast forward to now. I started having these nightmares about him still communicating with the girl he left me for before. She lives out of state. He told me that she did something that he could not forgive...basically screwed him over (his words) and that he no longer wishes to ever be with her again. Well one night I fell asleep on his couch. He left his phone on the couch and it kept going off. I noticed he had a couple texts, a call and voicemail from the out of state girl who he claims he no longer has anything to do with. (I had no clue what the texts/voicemails contained since he keeps his phone locked and I don't know the passcode.) When I confronted him about it he tells me she won't leave him alone. I ask him why he doesn't just block her? He kind of changes the subject. At this point I'm very suspicious, but I don't bring it up again.

Another thing I forgot to mention is even though he claimed he wanted to be exclusive with me he still had his dating profile up and was still quite active on the site. I also brought this up to him, but he would always give me an excuse of how he wasn't talking to anyone on there, wasn't looking for anyone, only went on when he was bored etc. I did not understand why if he wasn't looking for anyone else, why he just couldn't take his profile down? Again, I let it go. Well this past weekend I was at his place and he gave me his phone to look up Chinese restaurants close by to order from. While I was looking through places, he took the dog out to use the bathroom. While he was out there and against my better judgement, I went through his texts. That's where I found a recent conversation between him and the out of state girl talking about a trip that he was going to take to go and see her. I also found other texts from many other girls...some flirty and sexual. One text was from a girl he met up with just the day before. All very recent texts. I didn't have time to go through them all as there were so many.

I was completely gutted. My heart had been ripped out. But I also felt numb because it wasn't a complete shock to me. It didn't really make it easier, but I wasn't shocked. I'm saddened because we had many good times together. Aside from the bad, he was a very kind hearted, sweet, caring, charming, funny, loving man. I felt I could tell him anything and not be judged. He was comfortable to me. We would spend hours talking about everything. It was amazing. And now this...

I have not told him what I saw on his phone. I just know that I can't continue to be with him. I can't do this anymore. I feel sick. I just can't believe that everything he's told me has been lies. And yet I have no one to blame but myself. Fool me once shame on you....fool me twice shame on me. I knew better. I should have listened to my gut and because I didn't I'm in the same pain I was in before and it sucks.

I apologize for the long post. I just had to vent. Feeling very emotional and drained...
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Old 24th October 2017, 6:33 PM   #2
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Thank you for having the courage to go into detail about your current situation. Not many people will take responsibility for their choices, but it sounds like you're willing to step up and admit your not so great choices. Though you're hurting, it may be best to follow your own advice and block him completely. Guard your heart, lean on God and He will not steer you wrong. If you have to cry and go through the agonizing pain of a broken heart, it's better that you go through it now than later. You deserve an abundance of happiness so don't give up...brighter and happier days will come.
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Old 24th October 2017, 9:46 PM   #3
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Thank you so much for your reply. It has encouraged me more than you know.
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Old 25th October 2017, 11:30 AM   #4
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Hi Cora

Hugs.......

I'm so sorry. I remember this guy; I think I even replied to your last thread about him. Either way, I'm glad you went thru his phone. When you have that gut feeling that something is off, it's best investigate. Otherwise this could have gone on for weeks, months or years.

At least now you 100% know what he is up to. I'm so sorry you've been hurt by him. His actions are a reflection of his low self worth, and NOT a reflection of the beautiful person you are.

Again so sorry.
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Old 25th October 2017, 12:47 PM   #5
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Hi Cora

Hugs.......

I'm so sorry. I remember this guy; I think I even replied to your last thread about him. Either way, I'm glad you went thru his phone. When you have that gut feeling that something is off, it's best investigate. Otherwise this could have gone on for weeks, months or years.

At least now you 100% know what he is up to. I'm so sorry you've been hurt by him. His actions are a reflection of his low self worth, and NOT a reflection of the beautiful person you are.

Again so sorry.
Thank you so much! That means a lot to me.

I had Monday off for an MRI I needed to get done. We had plans to see each other later that day since I was off and he gets home from work early. I just told him I was drained and didn't feel like seeing him. I can't see him. Just the thought of him makes me feel sick. He of course was upset that I wouldn't come over which was fine. I didn't tell him what I found on his phone. I know he would just turn it around on me anyway and make excuses. A part of me wants to tell him and then the other part of me is like why bother?

I just feel angry, hurt, disappointed, betrayed and foolish. He knew it was difficult for me to trust people. My gut feeling is usually always correct. I just need to trust it more often and not let my guard down so easily just because people give me all these reasons to believe them.

It could of been a lot worse. I will be ok. I know the drill by now. Kind of getting used to being let down. Of course I'm not blaming this all on him. I knew better.

Thank you again for your kind words.
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Old 25th October 2017, 12:52 PM   #6
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Aside from trusting your gut, when you start to see the red flags, get out. Don't stick around hoping things will change. Most times, people don't change. And when you are in that "rescue" mindset, you stay in relationships that are bad for you longer than you need to.

This guy had flags from the very beginning. This is painful but in the long run it's going to be a very valuable lesson for you.

It would be best for you to block him completely and stop engaging. Send him a text saying that you are choosing to end the relationship and block/delete.
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Old 25th October 2017, 9:42 PM   #7
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Aside from trusting your gut, when you start to see the red flags, get out. Don't stick around hoping things will change. Most times, people don't change. And when you are in that "rescue" mindset, you stay in relationships that are bad for you longer than you need to.

This guy had flags from the very beginning. This is painful but in the long run it's going to be a very valuable lesson for you.

It would be best for you to block him completely and stop engaging. Send him a text saying that you are choosing to end the relationship and block/delete.

Thank you for your reply. I have a bad habit of sticking around too long. I am in tears tonight over this whole thing. First time I've actually cried over it. It seems so silly to cry over and yet I can't stop the tears. I tend to always get involved with the wrong kind of men. Perhaps it's just meant for me to be alone.

I told him goodbye tonight. Hardest thing I've had to do in awhile.
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Old 26th October 2017, 9:13 AM   #8
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Thank you for your reply. I have a bad habit of sticking around too long. I am in tears tonight over this whole thing. First time I've actually cried over it. It seems so silly to cry over and yet I can't stop the tears. I tend to always get involved with the wrong kind of men. Perhaps it's just meant for me to be alone.

I told him goodbye tonight. Hardest thing I've had to do in awhile.
Maybe you need to invest some time and energy into discovering why you settle for unhealthy relationships. Rather than throw your hands up and get into a limiting mindset that you're doomed to be alone for the rest of your life. Maybe it's time to figure out why.

I've been in your shoes. There's something ingrained in your own behavioral patterns that keeps you in a cycle of seeking and staying in bad relationships. The reason you likely stay is because you are dependent on a relationship/man fulfilling you. So you stick around even when it is bad or even when you see the red flags. The alternative -- being alone is not an option.

Seek a counselor. I think it's a good start to figure out why you do the things you do. It would be in your best interest to focus on cultivating a relationship with yourself first. When you learn how to love yourself, when you have a better standards and a stronger boundary system, when you discover emotional independence -- you will be able to get out much sooner when you're faced with a red flag because the reality is that you can be just as content and fulfilled in life without a man/relationship.
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Last edited by Zahara; 26th October 2017 at 9:17 AM..
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Old 26th October 2017, 9:22 AM   #9
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I am in tears tonight over this whole thing. First time I've actually cried over it. It seems so silly to cry over and yet I can't stop the tears.
Also, there is nothing silly about crying. You're grieving the loss of what you thought could have been. The disappointment and hurt is natural. Cry as much as you want to and let it all out. The more you purge the better you will feel.

Try and lean on your friends and family. Be around those that love you. You're going to be okay -- it's just going to take time for you to get through this. But in the meantime, you feel what you feel so embrace it and process through it the way you know best.

Don't dismiss your emotions -- you're human and you are hurting. Be gentle, be patient and be kind to yourself.

(( hugs ))
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Old 27th October 2017, 10:56 PM   #10
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Maybe you need to invest some time and energy into discovering why you settle for unhealthy relationships. Rather than throw your hands up and get into a limiting mindset that you're doomed to be alone for the rest of your life. Maybe it's time to figure out why.

I've been in your shoes. There's something ingrained in your own behavioral patterns that keeps you in a cycle of seeking and staying in bad relationships. The reason you likely stay is because you are dependent on a relationship/man fulfilling you. So you stick around even when it is bad or even when you see the red flags. The alternative -- being alone is not an option.

Seek a counselor. I think it's a good start to figure out why you do the things you do. It would be in your best interest to focus on cultivating a relationship with yourself first. When you learn how to love yourself, when you have a better standards and a stronger boundary system, when you discover emotional independence -- you will be able to get out much sooner when you're faced with a red flag because the reality is that you can be just as content and fulfilled in life without a man/relationship.
Thank you. I've been looking into some counselors. I think seeking counseling could do me some good. It's been so tough. Just the task of getting through work today was brutal. All I could do was think about him and want to cry. I think it was so hard today because today is Friday and normally on Fridays after work I'm headed to his place to spend the weekend. Tonight though I'm home alone and it feels so strange...so unfamiliar. I know it's because I got so used to being at his place that my own place feels so foreign to me now. I'm constantly thinking thinking thinking that I can't sleep and when I do sleep I want to sleep the day away and not get out of bed. It's like I can't get back into the swing of things...back to the way things were before he came into my life. I can barely remember the way things were before him. It sounds pathetic I know. Everyday driving to work, I pass by all the restaurants we used to eat at. So many reminders. I know it's a slow process and that I'll eventually move on. I've been here before. It just seems so hard when you're in the moment.

Perhaps I do have an issue with being dependent upon a man, I don't know. I've been single for a long time and have been fine with it, but once a man comes into my life and then it doesn't work out it's just so difficult for me. Because I know these connections are so few and far between. I am very introverted so I don't meet people easily and it takes me forever to feel comfortable enough to open up.

Anyway, thank you again for your very thoughtful reply. It's like at least a little ray of sunshine in this sea of gloom.
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Old 28th October 2017, 2:44 AM   #11
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Tonight though I'm home alone and it feels so strange...so unfamiliar.
And so quiet, right?

Ugh girl i know how you're feeling. It's so awful.

The gentle gift of time will maje it easier.... its just fact....

Try to put some clean sheets on your bed and climb into bed and read something/listen to yourube... something tgat ministers to your soul.

Curl up in your lovely bed and know that this will absolutely get better with time.

F#@cking awful in the moment-- time will, will, will make things easier--just kniw that somewhere in you
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Old 28th October 2017, 4:18 PM   #12
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And so quiet, right?

Ugh girl i know how you're feeling. It's so awful.

The gentle gift of time will maje it easier.... its just fact....

Try to put some clean sheets on your bed and climb into bed and read something/listen to yourube... something tgat ministers to your soul.

Curl up in your lovely bed and know that this will absolutely get better with time.

F#@cking awful in the moment-- time will, will, will make things easier--just kniw that somewhere in you
Yes! It is so very quiet!! The silence is defening! Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so sorry you are hurting too. It is overwhelming at times isn't it? I pray that this pain will leave us both soon. Take care of yourself.
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Old 28th October 2017, 4:36 PM   #13
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Sadly, there is a lot of men out there looking to take advantage of kind women with low self-esteem. Especially on dating sites which is pretty much the only avenue for us introverts.

The pain will pass. You need to think about why being with this men who treated you terribly was better than being alone. I am single and older than you but I actually look forward to evenings alone
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Old 28th October 2017, 10:00 PM   #14
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Sadly, there is a lot of men out there looking to take advantage of kind women with low self-esteem. Especially on dating sites which is pretty much the only avenue for us introverts.

The pain will pass. You need to think about why being with this men who treated you terribly was better than being alone. I am single and older than you but I actually look forward to evenings alone
I guess I wanted to be with him because there were lots of good times despite the bad. It wasn't all bad. The bad times were enough though to cause me to almost break up with him several times, but for whatever reason I did not have the heart to go through with it. And things started getting better. I sometimes wonder if I had left back then would I have saved myself some pain? But that's water under the bridge now.

It's not that I mind being alone. I enjoy my alone time and was alone for quite some time before I met him. The relationship with him took a lot of getting used to for me. He wanted to be with me all the time and in the beginning I felt smothered. I needed MY time and space to do my own thing and to recharge. He did not understand this and took it as a sign I wasn't that into him or that I was seeing someone else which wasn't the case at all! I guess I'm taking it so hard now because I got so used to spending all my time with him and now it's going to take me some time to get used to being alone again. We went from daily contact to nothing instantly and it's quite an adjustment for me. I'm not taking it well.

I do realize that the relationship with him was not healthy and I do have some self esteem issues. I've been struggling with these issues for a long time now and times like these just bring them out worse. I have been researching different counselors. My birthday is a little over a week away and I took the day off from work. I'm going to see if I can get an appointment then. I think counseling may help. At least I sure hope so. Thank you so much for your advice.
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