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I Don’t Recognize Myself Anymore


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When I think about my “soul”, how gentle and affectionate I was leading up to the breakup and after, and now, I feel as though I have become a grumpy, cold cynic. It bothers me that I’ve lost that chivalrous charm and affectionate heart.

 

But perhaps it’s for the best, perhaps I’m less naive now, less sentimental and more realistic and tough.

 

 

I missed out on a good opportunity last week of getting a cute woman’s phone number because I was disrespectful without even noticing it. Then later on, I tried to figure out where my reaction came from. That wasn’t me.

 

 

And what hurts is that we were immediately atttracted to each other as soon as we laid eyes on each other. But I ruined it before it even started. I don’t feel much pain anymore. I feel more apathy than pain.

 

And right now, I can’t imagine anyone loving and showing me so much affection as my ex did, at least early on. I just can’t see it happening.

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Your break up hurt you. You are healing. In time you will go back to your old self. You just aren't there now so the timing was wrong with the cute woman. Allow yourself to grieve & heal. It's part of the cleansing process.

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I was in the grocery store shortly after my breakup and felt eyes upon me in the produce section. I turned to find a beautiful gal staring at me. Our eyes locked for an extended period, but I couldn't even muster a smile. I finally turned back to the lettuce, then looked again as she disappeared around the corner. I never saw her again and scolded myself for not responding better, but I just didn't have it in me.

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I have this fear, this unshakable fear, after all the ignored messages on online dating websites and in person, that I will never again in my life be with another person who’s as affectionate and loving as my ex was, at least during the honeymoon period.

 

I have never experienced anything like that before in other relationships so that’s where the fear comes from.

 

 

But I don’t want this to wind up being a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

 

Can people smell the urge that I feel to be in a relationship and that’s why they are not interacting with me, you know, like a dog can sense fear?

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fieldoflavender

The thing is - your ex was not actually loving if they did what they did to you in the end. All that was a facade. So it's better to get someone who is also realistic about how much they give IN THE LONG TERM, not just for a honeymoon period. My ex love bombed me for a few months and then broke at the end and turned into a jerk. What was the point of that? He should have self reflected from the beginning and realized how much he was willing and could put into the relationship.

 

What you need is someone with maturity and self reflection.

 

We are fearful after being hurt. But it just means we take things one step at a time for the future.

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The thing is - your ex was not actually loving if they did what they did to you in the end. All that was a facade.

 

It's hard for me to tell, one way or another, not because I'm trying to comfort myself or seek solace, but because there were cues and indicators that sometimes sway me in one direction and other times sway me in the other direction.

 

So, I decided to take it at face value, take the good and leave the bad, cherish the good memories and forget the bad ones. Somehow, that has brought me closer to feeling some closure.

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