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2 years later and still not moved on.


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

Old 25th September 2017, 12:45 PM   #1
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2 years later and still not moved on.

I miss a girl after 2 years who I only ever met online.

This story is very much intwined with a more serious issue at the time which was my mum having cancer, which I believe, somehow, is connected with my feelings about this girl.

My mum had been diagnose in June 2014 and had treatment etc, and was cleared in her scan in January 2015. That is when I met this girl online. I had been investing all of my energy into researching things to do with my mum's condition and suddenly when her scan was clear, all that energy and adrenaline came to a standstill.

The relationship with the girl ran primarily from January to June and it got more and more intense as time went on - bigger more deeper messages, and the dynamic of the relationship transitioned into essentially a boyfriend/girlfriend one (despite the long distance).

If you imagine, we were writing every day during that time and she was a great change from the cancer before. In June the relationship turned bad, simply because I "liked" a selfie on Facebook of a smiling female friend who I had known long before this girl. She ignored me after this until I messaged after 2 weeks to ask what was the matter, while at the same time my mum was having more tests for a suspected cancer reoccurence.

After liking this photo her behaviour towards me completely changed into being cold, telling me about other guys coming to visit her, subtle jibes. My mum was diagnosed with cancer again in July, and as an example of her new coldness, it took her 2 weeks to reply to my message telling her (while I could see she was active on facebook during that time, interacting with other guys etc).

This coldness continued for over 2 and a half months. During this time my mum had nearly died twice in hospital, again while that was happening the girl was still ignoring me for another 2 weeks. The day after my mum came home, I got a message from the girl who, in a very blasť way, wrote "my boyfriend and I" to start a sentence. At some point after the photo when she wasn't replying, she was replacing me for another guy she knew online and it was only apparent to me then. My head was not in a good way and I never replied, ever.

She sent me a message a few weeks later to ask what was up and about 4 months after reached out another way. But I was too sad to reply. Despite the lack of support and bad way she made me feel, I liked her so much. She was my light for a while, after a very depressing period.

2 years later, I have started a new job, been keeping in good shape, played sports, taken up a new language, met new friends and other women... but I still miss the way this girl made me feel when we wrote during the good times. I know she is still with this guy and I can't bring myself to even look at their photos. Why is it taking me so long to move on? The pining always gets worse whenever my mum has another scan - which makes me think they are connected and I need some kinda counselling. Sorry for the long message and sounding like an absolute loser.
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Old 25th September 2017, 3:03 PM   #2
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I just wanted to say that I identify with what you say when you talk about connecting your mom's cancer and this girl.




















My ex used to tell me a lot of things about the future, about the fact that we would be together when I have a stable job or that he'd marry me if I had long straight hair and if I did a makeover, things like that. Sometimes, when I study to get my Master's degree, I think of him and miss him. He pops up in my mind whenever I'm getting closer to my 'best self' because he always used to imply that we'd be fully together and committed when I'll be the best version of myself. It makes me miss him because even though, written like that, those things sound kinda superficial and dumb, those words were really important for me because they made me feel special and loved. I also noticed that I miss him a lot when someone hurts me emotionally or makes me feel unloved or unattractive. I think it's one of my brain's defense mechanisms.












Maybe, it's the same for you. Even though that girl eventually hurt you, she also made you feel really happy for a while. And, when things get tough again, your brain goes back to her because she was a really comforting presence in your life. It makes me think of an article I had found a while ago because I was worried about pining for him like that : https://www.sciencefriday.com/articl...get-nostalgic/
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Old 28th September 2017, 11:50 AM   #3
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Thank you very much for your reply.

"Maybe, it's the same for you. Even though that girl eventually hurt you, she also made you feel really happy for a while. And, when things get tough again, your brain goes back to her because she was a really comforting presence in your life"

This quote really resonates with how I feel at the moment. I think maybe I should just accept I still have feelings for this girl, not fight it, but not let it interfere with my current life either.
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