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Blessing my ex's new marriage


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 23rd September 2017, 11:35 AM   #1
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Blessing my ex's new marriage

Just curious as to others thoughts on this.

A little background. I told my wife that I thought we were "done" on Father's Day this year because I was tired of her not wanting to do anything with me anymore.

Well June 20 she said she was moving in with her cousin. Moved out the 22nd was in love 3 or 4 days later. Filed for divorce July 18th: tattooed his initials on her neck august 15, divorce was final September 20th. Told my daughter they were getting married in November.
Nearest I can tell this must be what they call limerence and she mustbe completely nuts. She seems to want nothing to do with me at all and not much to dodo with our 18 yo daughter.

She said they had been "talking" for about a month prior to her moving out.

Question is obviously she is done with me but I'm still hoping she'll snap out of it at some point. What do you think the odds are?

And also since we're divorced now and no matter how nice I am and understanding to her it still seems like she hates me. I was thinking bout giving her my blessing on her upcoming wedding to build good Will from her in case she has a change of heart in the future.

Good idea or bad?

Forgot to mention we have been together 24 years married 19. And the last 10 years or so relationship has been strained

Last edited by RickyT; 23rd September 2017 at 11:49 AM..
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Old 23rd September 2017, 4:23 PM   #2
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So, your wife

-started "talking" to a man sometime around May

-left you at the end of June

-filed for divorce in July

-got a tattoo of his initials on her neck in August

-announced her upcoming marriage while the ink was still wet on the divorce papers

-wants nothing to do with you

and you're wondering if giving your blessing to her union might somehow smooth things over if she ever decides to come back? WTF?


You're divorced. She's getting married to her AP. She has moved on. You also need to move on. Whether you're single or find a special someone, you aren't in her life anymore. What she does isn't your business. Unless she asks you for your blessing, stay silent.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 5:20 PM   #3
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Gee thanks! Wanna stab me in the back a few times too?


but really aside from me being an f'ing idiot, ive read a lot about this limerence thing wearing off in time and they come running back. Maybe I wont want her back at that point, but now I'm older and scared and alone, and hopeful of it just being a temporary nut job phase shes going thru. 24 years is a lot of time. every move I go to make it seems wrong with her missing.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 5:52 PM   #4
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Gee thanks! Wanna stab me in the back a few times too?


but really aside from me being an f'ing idiot, ive read a lot about this limerence thing wearing off in time and they come running back. Maybe I wont want her back at that point, but now I'm older and scared and alone, and hopeful of it just being a temporary nut job phase shes going thru. 24 years is a lot of time. every move I go to make it seems wrong with her missing.
I am sorry this has happened, my feelings on this are .....she isnt in limerence.....sounds like she checked out a long time ago on your marriage, her interest in this guy or how long she has been seeing him might be longer than you think.....i have int he past waited years to make a move towards being in a relationship[ with a guy i am interested in..i feel in this way i weed out the temporaries.....and get a guy who can go the distance.....because thats what i am looking for....staying power..needless to stay ...i dont date often

.im a slow chess player.....i need time to know my partner before dating...know how he ticks...and when and if i do date because of this wait...things move fast......and intense......is your ex a slow chess player?..do you think its possible this guy was int he picture way before you think he was?...

i would like the other poster suggest also to be silent...sometimes silence is the best you can do.....to maintain a semblance of dignity and respect....deb
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Old 23rd September 2017, 5:55 PM   #5
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She was probably like most having an affair and you either didn't recognize the signs or were in denial. In order to do that they normally rewrite the marital history and you have to be the bad guy to justify everything.

You're trying to "nice her back" just makes you look weak and pathetic. You should block her and go completely no contact. It seems you can't let go and move on like she has which will just keep you bound where you are.

The only one who can keep you there is you.

Better wake up if you want a future and a life.
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Last edited by Marc878; 23rd September 2017 at 6:07 PM..
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Old 23rd September 2017, 9:15 PM   #6
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Ok thanks for everyone's input. I appreciate it
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Old 23rd September 2017, 9:19 PM   #7
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I told my wife that I thought we were "done" on Father's Day this year because I was tired of her not wanting to do anything with me anymore.
She was probably already having an affair, which is why you sensed her not wanting to do anything with you. She might have even been purposefully manipulating the situation to make YOU the bad guy in calling off the relationship/making you think it was your idea.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 9:30 PM   #8
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Lightbulb

No she wasn't a calculating type. Just whimsical. She may have been seeing him for a longer period of time. I just don't know but what I gathered from my detective work, lol is that he wouldn't have sex with her until she filed for divorce which was 20 days after she moved out, and he wouldn't let her move in with him till the divorce was final September 20th three days ago.

And another reason it just doesn't seem normal to me is because she stayed in her cousins house all day whil he was at work instead of coming to be with her daughter and spend time together and also she doesn't care about all the pictures of our life or the equity in the house, she just wanted to be with him all of a sudden all the time. I think she just layed in that house pining away for him while she waited to see him again, and me and daughter just got in her way.

The first few weeks after she moved out she came around the house and we had sex occasionally and she was reasonably nice to me and the she went like all of a sudden cold and head over heels for this guy.

I wondered if him making her wait for everything was some type of psychological deal to pull her in and make her want him more

Last edited by RickyT; 23rd September 2017 at 9:33 PM..
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Old 23rd September 2017, 9:49 PM   #9
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Could be limerance, could be infatuation, could be a mid life crisis. But what no one has commented on is the neck tattoo. Did your ex have tattoos, was she an artist/musician? There are a lot of tattoo artists who will not easily do a face or neck tattoo unless you are, again, in the business where it's okay to have ink on your face and neck. That said, having someone's initials......I don't see it as a normal act for the average person.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 11:06 PM   #10
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She had a small tattoo on the back of her neck and he took her to get it touched up and apparently had his initials put there too. No this isn't normal it's very abnormal for a 46 yo woman to get a mans initials on her neck after 4 months or a year or 5 years. Anyone knows How stupid that is. Which makes me think she just out of her head right now. 4 months ago she would have thought anyone doing something like that was foolish.
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Old 24th September 2017, 8:26 AM   #11
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Gee thanks! Wanna stab me in the back a few times too?


but really aside from me being an f'ing idiot, ive read a lot about this limerence thing wearing off in time and they come running back. Maybe I wont want her back at that point, but now I'm older and scared and alone, and hopeful of it just being a temporary nut job phase shes going thru. 24 years is a lot of time. every move I go to make it seems wrong with her missing.
Those weren't meant to be stabs, but to point out the reality that she is making permanent decisions. Her actions say she isn't coming back. Ever. You need to let that idea go. You need to move on, become comfortable in your own skin, get used to being alone and learn to be happy or at least content flying solo. After you've gotten yourself and your life sorted, you can always seek out a new mate.

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No she wasn't a calculating type. Just whimsical. She may have been seeing him for a longer period of time. I just don't know but what I gathered from my detective work, lol is that he wouldn't have sex with her until she filed for divorce which was 20 days after she moved out, and he wouldn't let her move in with him till the divorce was final September 20th three days ago.

And another reason it just doesn't seem normal to me is because she stayed in her cousins house all day whil he was at work instead of coming to be with her daughter and spend time together and also she doesn't care about all the pictures of our life or the equity in the house, she just wanted to be with him all of a sudden all the time. I think she just layed in that house pining away for him while she waited to see him again, and me and daughter just got in her way.

The first few weeks after she moved out she came around the house and we had sex occasionally and she was reasonably nice to me and the she went like all of a sudden cold and head over heels for this guy.

I wondered if him making her wait for everything was some type of psychological deal to pull her in and make her want him more
He sounds like a decent guy. Apparently, she wanted to have a physical affair with him and he refused to become sexually involved with her until she ended her marriage to you. Wrap your mind around that. SHE wanted to have a sexual affair with him and HE was too moral to go along with her.

What's "normal"? You have said your shared child is now an 18 year old adult. It's natural for fledgling adults to be left to their own devices most of the time. From your wife's POV, her child is raised and she now has the freedom to live her own life as her daughter is living hers.

I can understand why she doesn't have an interest in the pictures and mementos. I left my first marriage for an AP who I am now married to. The truth is the old life and all those things just didn't have any meaning for me anymore. I didn't want to haul around boxes and albums of things that I had no sentimental attachment to. I ended up tossing most of it, but I did keep a few things for the kids because I understood that those items might have meaning for them.

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She had a small tattoo on the back of her neck and he took her to get it touched up and apparently had his initials put there too. No this isn't normal it's very abnormal for a 46 yo woman to get a mans initials on her neck after 4 months or a year or 5 years. Anyone knows How stupid that is. Which makes me think she just out of her head right now. 4 months ago she would have thought anyone doing something like that was foolish.
Again with the "normal". What's normal for you isn't necessarily someone else's normal. I know more than one woman over 40 who has recently gotten tattoo'd. Some always wanted tattoos, but didn't get them because of social stigma. Proper wives and mothers don't do that, after all, and what would the boss say? Now their kids are older or grown, and tattoos are so common, they go for it.

She's in love. People in love make grand gestures. She's planning to marry this man shortly. She blew up her life to be with him. She's middle aged and knows we middle aged folk are on the back 9 of life. She's planning to spend the rest of her Earthly existence with this man, so what's adding his initials to a tattoo compared to that?

You can't live your life waiting and hoping she'll come back. She may have found the love of her life. She seems to think so. You need to understand that the divorce is final, the marriage is over, and she isn't likely to ever come back, even if this relationship does fail. If there was any doubt in her mind, she wouldn't have gone through with the divorce, she wouldn't be tattooing his initials on her person, and she wouldn't be planning their wedding.


If you want my honest assessment, I think she detached and checked out a long time ago and was staying for your kid. Now that the child has grown, she has gone. It would explain why she moved on so quickly and why she has no interest in your home or mementos. She was over it a long time ago and you're still catching up.
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Old 24th September 2017, 9:54 AM   #12
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Actually I believe you are right. But I think she used this man to escape our marriage and transferred all her hopes and dreams onto him.

I think it will end at some point badly for her but I don't really think she'll come back to me.

More than likely jump to another man after the magic goes out of this one.

Still love her and want the best for her but I must move on.
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Old 25th September 2017, 8:21 AM   #13
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Actually I believe you are right. But I think she used this man to escape our marriage and transferred all her hopes and dreams onto him.

I think it will end at some point badly for her but I don't really think she'll come back to me.

More than likely jump to another man after the magic goes out of this one.

Still love her and want the best for her but I must move on.
There is a term for using an AP to leave a marriage. It's called an exit affair. Sometimes the exit affair works out, sometimes it doesn't. Just like most relationships.
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Old 25th September 2017, 12:06 PM   #14
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Yes I've read about the exit affair and it seem accurate for my situation.

I went ahead and gave them my blessing on their relationship and marriage and even though they didn't need it I felt much better and felt more closure and ex even thanked me and said it meant a lot to her. Now I can get on building my life.😀
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Old 25th September 2017, 12:38 PM   #15
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Yes I've read about the exit affair and it seem accurate for my situation.

I went ahead and gave them my blessing on their relationship and marriage and even though they didn't need it I felt much better and felt more closure and ex even thanked me and said it meant a lot to her. Now I can get on building my life.😀
I can understand why you did it. My ex got a new gf weeks after I cut contact with him when he was still saying he loved me. I had reached out and wished him well before going back to NC, regardless of the resentment and disappointment I had for him in how crass he went about it. I was able to walk away with dignity that I didn't leave us on a bitter note. I can say I'm proud of that because I was assured of myself and whatever he did after won't hold me back.
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