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Time Doesn't Heal


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It simply pushes memories deeper and deeper. But the scars, like all physical scars, are still there. The pain just fades away, but it's never completely gone.

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Thats true Logos, is not really about time but personal work and life experiences along the way.

Are you spending time doing things that make you happy and are you trying to learn/grow out of the whole situation? Are you doing a solid NC?

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Full NC. I'm trying to do things that I enjoy but life keeps throwing me curveballs.

 

Not last indefinitely, but at least have a reasonable balance between happiness and sadness.

 

 

Are you familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of needs?

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I am familiar with it, yes. My point was that nothing in life is permanent. That doesn't mean it feels good to lose something you enjoy or love. Relationships, particularly romantic ones, are transient, even if they have a long shelf life.

 

I can understand why you feel anger about your ex, but I guess my point was that you cannot let one woman's actions embitter you toward relationships as a whole, nor let those actions make you feel like your chance for a quality romantic relationship is gone for good.

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It simply pushes memories deeper and deeper. But the scars, like all physical scars, are still there. The pain just fades away, but it's never completely gone.

 

When I first came here, another poster said it better than me. Time does not heal wounds. Time only passes. It's what you do with that time that determines if you heal or not.

 

Another way to look at it. Each loss we experience grafts itself into our life story. A lot of people mistakenly believe that once they get over an ex, they will go back to the way they were before they met the person. It doesn't work like that. The experience becomes a part of your life story. Eventually, it's not a big part. It's just another part. But for awhile, it seems like the biggest event in your life. You see everything in terms of "before and after the breakup/divorce." It's a tough road to walk, but the intensity fades with time.

 

Life is a series of losses, and, like Blanco said, nothing is permanent. No relationship is permanent. It will end at some point whether it's by death of the other person leaving. Familial relationships will also eventually end. We are hardwired to handle loss and to move on. Humans have been doing it since the beginning.

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Full NC. I'm trying to do things that I enjoy but life keeps throwing me curveballs.

 

Life will continue to throw you curve balls. You can bank on that. But you can learn to deal with the curve balls. Three years ago, I got thrown a curve ball when I found out my ex was going to be working for the same hospital as me, and I'd have to see him occasionally. It really sucked at first, but I dealt with it. It got easier as time passed, and, now, it doesn't even register if I pass him in the hall. Chin up, confront it, and move forward. You will gain strength as you deal with the curve balls that come your way.

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I am familiar with it, yes. My point was that nothing in life is permanent. That doesn't mean it feels good to lose something you enjoy or love. Relationships, particularly romantic ones, are transient, even if they have a long shelf life.

 

I can understand why you feel anger about your ex, but I guess my point was that you cannot let one woman's actions embitter you toward relationships as a whole, nor let those actions make you feel like your chance for a quality romantic relationship is gone for good.

 

I understand that in general, until someone settles down, girlfriends will come and go in and out of one's life.

 

But, if relationships are transient, then how is it that my parents' generation managed to maintained decades-long commitments, love and passion for each other?

 

The baby boomer generation seems much more stable than today's generation. They had solid values, integrity, and moral standards.

 

Today's generation seems to be more selfish, narcissistic and materialistic. It's as though there is no such thing as love anymore, just one person using another because he's good in bed, has high status (financial or social) and can be used as an object to brag about, a trophy.

 

Love, in the traditional sense, seems extinct. And all those people on online dating sites who talk about finding their soulmates and finding their prince charming, I don't think they understand what they are talking about. They've simply seen too many movies.

 

I haven't lost hope that my chances are gone for good, but I have become so cynical that I don't think it will happen any time soon, and I carefully analyze people's behaviors. I have developed an ear for red flags. Perhaps it's a good thing. Perhaps this will spare me the time and emotional energy and help me focus it on a healthier relationship with better compatibility. But at the same time, it takes away from the glamor and fun of dating. It's become a chore.

 

And, I don't trust what people say anymore. I judge them by their actions. So when a woman tells me that the best thing since sliced bread, I think, "Yeah ok". Some women on online dating sites, just like my ex, will lavish you with compliments and show great interest, but later either disappear or in my ex's case, do the opposite and cheat or give the cold shoulder. Horse manure has become the cornerstone of today's culture. It seems there is no morality left. People cheat, lie, deceive, manipulate, and the list goes on. Sure, I can adapt to it. I can learn from it so I can protect myself, but WTF.

 

I feel like we're back to the Middle Ages where people got married for status and procreation. And the bride and groom barely knew each other. It's no different than arranged marriages in the sense that true love has long been relegated to the dustbin of history.

 

In a healthy relationship, couples should stand by each other, be good friends and faithful partners. How often do you find that these days?

 

There's a reason the divorce rate is so high. One person passes by another attractive person on the street and they're immediately entertaining the notion of leaving their partner.

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I understand that in general, until someone settles down, girlfriends will come and go in and out of one's life.

 

But, if relationships are transient, then how is it that my parents' generation managed to maintained decades-long commitments, love and passion for each other?

 

Because the institution of marriage has changed since then. It's only been very recent that love is the foundation for marriage. Up until about 100 years ago, marriage was a business transaction that was undertaken for different reasons. Women could not work and needed to get married, so they would not become destitute or a financial burden to their parents or other male relatives. Additionally, one needed to get married to secure a legitimate family line.

 

Our grandparents and, to some extent our parents, did not see divorce as an option. My grandmother wanted to go to college, but her family was too poor to send her. She grew up destitute during the Depression, so her only option was to get married. She never really liked my grandfather, and he had multiple affairs. They are still married to this day, and that kind of setup is probably more common than you think. She had a high school education and four kids. She had no option but to stay with him. Also, there were legal barriers. In the US, no fault divorces weren't even introduced until the 1970s. Before that, you had to prove someone was at fault due to something like adultery.

 

I think you are romanticizing marriage and relationships. People didn't stay in love forever in olden times. It's just that divorce was either illegal, a social stigma, or impossible because women could not financially support themselves. Emotions are not stable. Emotions change all the time, so doesn't it seem unwise to bank something permanent, like a relationship, on emotions? Some food for thought.

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Emotions are not stable. Emotions change all the time, so doesn't it seem unwise to bank something permanent, like a relationship, on emotions?

 

Then, what's the point? Who wants to live a life on an emotional roller coaster if the grass is always greener on the other side?

 

Women complain about 'players', but at the same time they change their emotions and attachments whichever direction the wind is blowing.

 

I guess I'm better off living a life between one night stand and the next, or through 'casual relationships', or one of those other BS euphemisms today's generation, especially women, uses to rationalize their immaturity and flakiness. So fickle.

 

Millions should just have f** buddies they can summon at a moment's notice whenever their primal instincts kick in and they're horny and then kick them out once their needs are satisfied.

 

The next time I'm in a relationship I won't invest in her. I'll treat her like an inanimate object that lacks emotions, and tell her to drive to McDonalds if she wants dinner.

 

I wish men would boycott women. That'll learn them.

 

How does that work for the women out there?

 

They want chivalry and gentlemanly behavior, but they wonder where all those men have gone.

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You're missing the point of her post. Bow out of the dating scene until you're less bitter, maybe.

 

People romanticize relationships and marriages that span decades. I know of plenty of such relationships that have long since run their course and neither person is happy. Why should that be celebrated or viewed as something to emulate?

 

And you're naive if you think monogamy is something only recently comprised by our generation. People were just more discreet about it in the past.

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fieldoflavender

I think - at the end of the day, the person has to be worth it. But each person should still have a set of core values. And they have to resonate with yours. I will never cheat - I think towards the end of my relationship, I was starting to lose interest in him, and did find some other people attractive, but I never acted on it. It should have been a sign - but I was like oh well, meh. But people shouldn't have to stay committed if they truly don't love anymore - but cheating is never right. At least in my books, you can always leave a relationship, why cheat?

 

I think that's my biggest lesson - I want to find someone who is worth it to me - to make sacrifices and who finds me worth it to make sacrifices. Love isn't perfect, commitment is hard, but if the love is there - and if we are both worth it to each other, then we will pull through the hard times. But it should be built on core values and fundamentals - not just superficial things like physical attraction (people get old duh), money (can be gone in a heartbeat), and other tangible things. But who a person is will never change.

 

And words - yeah forget that bull****. My ex said +++++++ wonderful things, but honestly, in the future, it's not that I won't ever trust anyone, but they should be able to back it up with actions. "I will love you forever" is romantic - but what if you die? Then you can't love me "forever" can you now? It's still a cute phrase, but if someone says it, so what? But if they move for me to help further my career, if they ask me what is important to me and make sure that is in place for us, then those are solid actions.

 

Now - as to where this great guy is....lol, that's the harder part.

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Then, what's the point? Who wants to live a life on an emotional roller coaster if the grass is always greener on the other side?.

 

I've asked myself the same question. I don't have the answers. We all want relationships to last forever, but the reality is that they don't. I wish it were different.

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I think that's my biggest lesson - I want to find someone who is worth it to me - to make sacrifices and who finds me worth it to make sacrifices. Love isn't perfect, commitment is hard, but if the love is there - and if we are both worth it to each other, then we will pull through the hard times. But it should be built on core values and fundamentals - not just superficial things like physical attraction (people get old duh), money (can be gone in a heartbeat), and other tangible things. But who a person is will never change.

 

 

Why is that so hard to find? Where are those people?

 

I have found one or two in recent years that were close, but there were other issues that turned me away from those relationships.

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I've asked myself the same question. I don't have the answers. We all want relationships to last forever, but the reality is that they don't. I wish it were different.

 

 

Well, we're not immortal. We're human. One would think, at the very least, that relationships built on solid ground would last as long.

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Well, we're not immortal. We're human. One would think, at the very least, that relationships built on solid ground would last as long.

 

Well, emotions aren't necessarily solid ground. Not all the time anyway. I don't think a relationship that lasts a decade (but not a lifetime) is a failure or wasn't built on solid ground. That's a good run for a relationship. Sometimes, you have to change your perspective. People fall out of love all the time for no apparent reason. That is the reality of human emotions. I don't say all this because I want it to be true. I say all of it because it's the reality for most of us.

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Yeah Op I agree with you.

My ex left 1 year ago and a part of me wishes he would contact me. I know its never going to happen although I had hope for a long time that it would.

I remembered something yesterday and it triggered a memory of him and I cried so much. I still love him even now. Even though I can function everyday, tho I don't tell anyone that because I don't want to look crazy and desperate. Tho it might be too late for that

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Then, what's the point? Who wants to live a life on an emotional roller coaster if the grass is always greener on the other side?

 

Women complain about 'players', but at the same time they change their emotions and attachments whichever direction the wind is blowing.

 

I guess I'm better off living a life between one night stand and the next, or through 'casual relationships', or one of those other BS euphemisms today's generation, especially women, uses to rationalize their immaturity and flakiness. So fickle.

 

Millions should just have f** buddies they can summon at a moment's notice whenever their primal instincts kick in and they're horny and then kick them out once their needs are satisfied.

 

The next time I'm in a relationship I won't invest in her. I'll treat her like an inanimate object that lacks emotions, and tell her to drive to McDonalds if she wants dinner.

 

I wish men would boycott women. That'll learn them.

 

How does that work for the women out there?

 

They want chivalry and gentlemanly behavior, but they wonder where all those men have gone.

 

I have no idea what to believe anymore. I honestly don't date anymore. I dont have the energy. we think we have the answers on why women or men dont like us even though we have the qualities they are looking for.

 

I have read millions of profiles online. They state they want a romantic guy, stable, a gentleman, caring, sweet, family oriented, etc, etc. You get the point. You need a combination of things to make love work. The right chemistry with that someone. Its not easy. One may have all those qualities, but, there is still something missing and we get dumped, hurt.

 

I dont date, nor will I do online dating if I do decide to date again. when you go online, women are more pickier. They have millions of options. millions of men email them all day long. its different for a man on a dating site.

 

I am fine alone. I have no desire to take a woman out to eat and grab a drink. Its a waste of time for me. I tried and tried. I was the gentlman, the nice guy. The man who would come to your job and bring you your favorite coffee. No. Not anymore. That me is gone. Nobody cares about me, why should I give a **** back. But they tell me I havent found the one. At this point, I just dont care to find the one. some of us are meant to be alone.

 

sorry for being negative. I am just trying not to sugar coat things anymore. I feel your pain.

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I have no idea what to believe anymore. I honestly don't date anymore. I dont have the energy. we think we have the answers on why women or men dont like us even though we have the qualities they are looking for.

 

I have read millions of profiles online. They state they want a romantic guy, stable, a gentleman, caring, sweet, family oriented, etc, etc. You get the point. You need a combination of things to make love work. The right chemistry with that someone. Its not easy. One may have all those qualities, but, there is still something missing and we get dumped, hurt.

 

I dont date, nor will I do online dating if I do decide to date again. when you go online, women are more pickier. They have millions of options. millions of men email them all day long. its different for a man on a dating site.

 

I am fine alone. I have no desire to take a woman out to eat and grab a drink. Its a waste of time for me. I tried and tried. I was the gentlman, the nice guy. The man who would come to your job and bring you your favorite coffee. No. Not anymore. That me is gone. Nobody cares about me, why should I give a **** back. But they tell me I havent found the one. At this point, I just dont care to find the one. some of us are meant to be alone.

 

sorry for being negative. I am just trying not to sugar coat things anymore. I feel your pain.

 

 

 

No. Not negative at all. Just realistic.

 

 

I was out tonight and I approached a few women with a smile and a polite and courteous demeanor and all I got in return was either a blank stare, a frown or a shrug.

 

 

Women, for the most part, might think they are ladies, but deep inside they’re selfish *****.

 

 

There’s an imbalance in today’s world and I wish men would grow a pair and start treating those women the way they deserve to be treated.

 

 

If or when at any point in the future, a woman who will be with me will complain, belittle or say something hurtful, I will either tell her to get out of my car and Uber her way home, or if I’m with her, I’ll tell her to get out of my house, immediately, and block all her communication.

 

 

I spent thousands of dollars on my ex. I was thinking about that earlier today. All those expenses add up. I was generous and a giver and she was a stingy little taker, a succubus. Narcissistic. She thought she was always right, never wrong. And her way was always the right way. At times, she acted as if she was better than me. I wish I had told her to “Shut the **** up!”

 

 

I came across a profile on an online dating website the other day. In her profile the woman wrote that she was looking for a nice, old fashioned gentleman who won’t talk badly about his ex and who will always pay for dinner.

 

 

I moved on to the next one after reading that.

 

 

It’s that arrogant sense of self-entitlement that I find repulsive.

 

 

Sometimes I feel like saying to them:

 

 

“Who? The ***? Do? You? Think? You? Are?”

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